Holy Huckster Hijinx – Page 27 – BilgeBucket Gazette

A Douchey Move

We’ve had a changing of the guard here in Arizona during the last election. Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer has handed over the reigns of her wingnut kingdom to former ice cream magnate Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey). Ducey, not to be outdone on the insanity meter by Indiana’s Mike Pence, this past week signed a bill that prohibits women from using the federal health exchange health care program to pay to an abortion. Also they stated erroneously that doctors have the right to tell women that the process is reversible, a claim critics call junk science. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Republicans are making up science to match their narrow ideology. I mean most Republicans believe angels exist, think the Earth is only six thousand years old and Jesus co-existed with the dinosaurs. Coming soon from the Republican Science Labs: the Sun really does revolve around the Earth.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey's health plan for women who want an abortion is a good old fashioned wire hanger. — Arizona Governor Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey) announces his ‘old fashioned’ health plan for women who may want to terminate a pregnancy.

They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Discrimination And Intolerance

The nation’s outrage over Indiana’s recent law guaranteeing ‘religious freedom’ and condoning discrimination and intolerance is growing. Boycotts have been announced. Even corporations have announced that they’ll be changing their business relations with the state; which is very serious because this nation is a corporate oligarchy and business is the golden calf here. So you think with all the economic pressure coming to bear on Indiana, do you think conservative christian stalwart, Governor Mike Pence, is going to relent? Hah! No way! He stands firmly behind his decidedly non-christian behavior. Not only that, other leading candidates for the Republican nomination like Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz have announced support for Pence. Because you see, admitting that you’re wrong on anything is not something that conservative christian Republicans do. But as the christians have always stated throughout history(see Spanish Inquisition, Meso-America conquest, Native American conquest, Pacific Islander conquest, Galileo’s scientific discoveries, etc…), it’s not discrimination or intolerance when we do it; it’s God’s will. It reminds us of that old song we learned in church “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love”, which has been conveniently updated in our photo-toon to reflect the state of modern christianity.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence's new slogan "They'll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance". — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s new slogan “They’ll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance”.

Cotton, Cotton; This Guy’s Rotten

We’re all familiar now with the name of Tom Cotton, the brash young Senator from Arkansas who stupidly authored a letter signed by 47 idiotic Republican Senators to the leaders of Iran behind President Obama’s back thus putting his negotiations with Iran on a possible nuclear deal in jeopardy and also committing treason. Well the wing nut Teabaggers in the Republican leadership are already trying to clear the way for a Cotton presidency in 2020. Yes, Cotton makes Teabagger darling Ted Cruz look good by comparison. Maybe that’s what the Republican plan is: to keep coming up with more insane candidates to make the previous lunatic look sane by comparison. Shut down the government; run for President. Commit treason; run for President. Just another day in the wacky, wonderful world of the GOP!

Senator Tom Cotton, checks with his insanity mentor, Ted Cruz, to see if he 'dun gud'. — Author of the Iran Letter, Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, checks with his insanity mentor, Ted Cruz, on his job performance.

Speaking of stupidity, Ted Cruz has announced his candidacy for President in 2016 but apparently didn’t have the foresight to secure the domain name tedcruz.com. Yes, what a great leader he’ll be. Here’s a screenshot of the site tedcruz.com as of today. Hilarious!

Liberal Media My Ass!

Back in December we posted about how obnoxious the Republicans were being about President Obama’s immigration executive order. We also posted about their claims of Obama being an imperial president despite having the fewest number of executive orders of any two term president going back one hundred years. One thing we failed to mention is that none of the four major news networks decided to cover the President’s executive order. Let me repeat that; NONE. ZILCH. NADA. NULL. Hmm… we think that’s a fairly odd way for the ‘liberal media’ to behave. We would think a ‘liberal’ media would televise every moment of a supposedly ‘liberal’ president’s important executive order concerning immigration reform; touting it as the greatest event ever. But, not one of the four major news networks, ABC, NBC, CBS or FOX(big surprise), covered the event.

Now the Republican Noise and Fear Machine has its sights set on probable 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. They’ve already been whining about the Benghazi non-scandal. Now they’re crying about Hillary Clinton using a personal server for government email correspondence as Secretary of State. We’re not trying to sugarcoat Clinton’s handling of her email; she blundered. But it’s no worse than when good ol’ Dubya lost millions of emails in 2007, which the supposedly ‘liberal’ media conveniently glossed over. Or the fact Colin Powell and Karl Rove have used personal email for their own purposes. Or that former Florida governor Jeb Bush, the leading Republican candidate for President in 2016 and Dubya’s brother, had some email problems of his own, using personal email to discuss troop deployments and security issues.

Could it be that the ‘liberal’ media is just a great big con job by the biggest, most well funded, propaganda artists since Joseph Goebbels’ propaganda machine in Nazi Germany? Nah, come on! Just like their stupendously stupid letter to Iran, the Republicans are just joshing with us. Pretty funny, eh?

President Obama takes time to thank the 'liberal' media for their generous coverage of his important immigration executive order back in November 2014. — President Obama takes time to thank the ‘liberal’ media for their generous coverage of his important immigration executive order back in November 2014.

Insert Knife; Twist Knife

Just when you thought the Republicans couldn’t be more obnoxious, they surprise you and pull off an even more colossally dickish move. In a move right out of Julius Caesar, our Senate Republican Brutuses sent a letter to Iran signed by 47 Republican Senators (7 Republicans, to their credit, didn’t sign) saying that even if the Iranians reach an agreement with Obama, there’s no guarantee that it will be ratified by the Congress. So basically, the Republicans have gone behind the President’s back once again with a foreign power, undermining the President’s authority. They have committed treason for the second time in a week. Here’s a list of the 47 imbeciles who have committed treason against America. Even Iran’s Foreign Minister Javad Zarif dismissed the letter as “mostly a propaganda ploy” and also challenging Republicans on their understanding of constitutional law and of the U.S. Constitution.

Here’s some other reviews on this astronomically assholish move. The New York Daily News said, “We strenuously condemn their betrayal of the U.S. Constitutional System”. The American Conservative said, “Ignorant…Unwelcome and Potentially Harmful. The Washington Post said, “Farcically condescending in word and tone”. The Kansas City Star said, “A nearly unprecedented attempt by one party to meddle in the foreign diplomatic affairs of the United States.” The Detroit Free Press said, “A profound and dismaying disrespect for the office of the Presidency.” We think you get the picture, but go ahead and read why this is “one of the most plainly stupid things a group of senators has ever done”.

It’s pretty obvious that the Republicans are doing everything possible to undermine the President. Many Republicans have openly said they’ve wanted Obama to fail ever since he’s gotten into office. Can we expect to see a push for impeachment in the next year? As Teabagger darling Sarah Palin would say, “You betcha!”

President Obama proceeds cautiously with negotiations with Iran on their nuclear program, while Senate Republicans like John McCain, Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz prepare to stick their knives in and commence to twisting. — President Obama proceeds cautiously with negotiations with Iran on their nuclear program, while Senate Republicans prepare to stick their knives in the President’s back and commence to twisting.

Bibi’s Boner …Or Boner’s Bibi

The big news of the last week is that Israel Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. It’s not rare that foreign dignitaries address Congress. But what is rare is when leaders of the opposition party, in this case the Republicans, arrange for it without the President’s knowledge. Yes, Speaker of the House and Chief Oompa Loompa, John Boehner (pronounced bo-ner), secretly arranged for Netanyahu to come speak to Congress to push for opposition of President Obama’s upcoming nuclear agreement with Iran. In some circles, the covert negotiation of a foreign leader or government by an unauthorized citizen is known as treason. As Jon Stewart pointed out in his always hilarious analysis, if the Democrats had invited the President of France behind George W. Bush’s back in the lead up to the Iraq War, the Republicans would have been screaming bloody murder. Despite this treasonous act by Boehner and the other Republicans in Congress, President Obama calmly and effectively explained afterward why he thinks Netanyahu, who, like Republicans, has been beating the war drum consistently for a quarter of a century, is wrong. One can only describe this move by the Republicans as colossally dickish, but what else is new.

New United States President, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu suggests a war with Iran as successful as the Iraq War as treasonist John Boehner approves. — The Republican’s newly anointed President, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu, proclaims his intentions for war with Iran with giddy approval from Treasonist of the House and Chief Oompa Loompa, John Boehner.

Ebola Is Coming! Ebola is Coming?

Remember those halcyon days before the election when the Republicans and, not coincidentally, the supposedly ‘liberal’ media were blathering on and on about how immigrant children were amassing at the border ready to flow into America and take everyone’s jobs; and ISIS was amassing at the border ready to take hostages and behead Americans; and of course the biggest threat of all, the Ebola virus was amassing at the border ready to infect Americans and cause a hideous and painful death. Not surprisingly, these fear tactics worked like gangbusters on the American sheeple. Lo and behold, Congress and the Senate are now filled with Republicans. Nowadays, there’s rarely mention of these menacing invaders ready to take freedom from every American. Surely, Ebola will resurface next year, when the Republicans need to scare the public into voting for Jeb Bush or whoever the Republican Presidential candidate is.

Rednecks discuss how Republicans scared away the Ebola virus and will now make everyone rich. — Some red state Republican voters discuss the brilliance of the GOP fearmongering campaign during the 2014 election, which not only scared away the Ebola virus but will certainly make everyone rich.

Super Fan Has The ‘Powah’

The Super Bowl is coming up this week, right here in Arizona. Just like there are people who think they can control events in other parts of the world with the ‘powah of prayer’, there are certain Super Fans who think they can actually influence events on a football field. We thought only Zeus, Odin, God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster could affect sporting contests. You live and learn. Here’s an article from our September 25, 2003 issue about a Super Fan with the ‘powah’.

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday’s Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

“I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday,” said the sixty year old Poston. “It was the first quarter and I was thinking, ‘Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin’ and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it’s touchdown Cardinals!”

“Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, ‘The Cardinals really need to stop him.’ And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!”

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston’s contributions. “Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev’s voice in my head saying, ‘throw the ball, throw the ball’. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up.”

Dexter Jackson concurred. “Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her voice in my head saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit.”

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo’s breakup.

GOP Sez ‘Science Evil’

The Senate just voted 98-1 that global warming is happening, as if nature needed human consensus that it was real. Of course, the anti-science Republicans aren’t admitting that humans are causing it. Here’s an article from our August 29, 2004 issue, where good ol’ Dubya explains why scientists are ‘evil’ and shouldn’t be trusted, but the saintly oil, mining, timber and energy companies deserve our complete trust.

Bush Dismisses ‘Evil’ Scientists

The Bush Administration deflected recent criticism from numerous preeminent scientists that the White House is distorting and manipulating scientific findings and giving handouts to industries, which have given massive monetary support to the President, like oil, mining, timber and energy companies.

Dr. Jared Reed, environmental biologist and member of the non-profit group, Union Of Concerned Scientists, said, “This administration is far worse than even the Reagan administration. They have rolled back over 300 regulations since Bush has taken over the Presidency. He has loaded the EPA with lobbyists from the mining, logging, and energy industries as payback for their support during the election. He is systematically blacklisting legitimate scientists in favor of consultants who manipulate and massage data to fit his radical ideological agenda. This blatant disregard for the environment and for the health of the general public needs to be stopped before it is too late.”

Bush defended his environmental policies. “People, I mean we all know that this so called ‘global warming’ is caused by cows farting and volcanoes. And this mumbo jumbo that our rivers and streams are polluted; didn’t you see John Stossel jump in the Hudson River. If it’s so polluted, how come he’s still alive? Stem cell research is evil, too. Scientists want to grow babies and then kill ’em folks. That’s just plain evil. Besides, I think I know a little bit more about the world than these smartsy fartsy liberal ‘scientists’. I mean I am the president and I talk to God on a daily basis. We don’t need any more ‘scientific’ studies. If I were doing something wrong here, don’t you think God would say something.”

Vice President Dick Cheney backed Bush’s views. “Our public land is vast and it’s there for Americans to use and exploit. Those damn animals aren’t using it. Why should they have it? Like the great James Watt said, God wants us to subdue nature. I’ll be damned if some fish or butterfly is going to prevent me from making my millions.”

Many citizens have expressed support for Bush’s environmental policies. Lionel Starker of Pusbucket, Arkansas, said, “Me more smart than animal. Me more smart than plant. Me think Bush smart. Me vote Bush.”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “Thanks to President Bush, the Apocalypse is now closer then ever. We need to hurry up and use all of God’s resources before the end of the world. Can I get an amen?”

NASA On Cruz Control

From the ‘You’ve got to be kidding me’ file…anti-science enthusiast and the smuggest human alive, Ted Cruz, has been named chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. Gee, what better person to put in charge of Science than a religious, nut case, teabagger who is ‘skeptical of the scientific theory’ of global warming, this despite a consensus of 97% of climate scientists that climate change is happening. With a man like Cruz, who barely believes in gravity, you can kiss NASA goodbye, even though he claims he’ll increase funding for NASA. Maybe he’ll put creationist, Ken Ham, in charge of NASA. The hijinx would really start then! We think, NASA should invite Senator Cruz on board a test flight and ‘accidentally’ shoot him into space. That would be a win for Planet Earth.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz calls himself Mr. Science and names Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham, as head of NASA. — Teabagger darling and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, promises he'll remake NASA and science to his and his religious supporters' liking.