Archive for May 31, 2012

This Is The Word Of Arpaio

Once again, Arizona has moved to the forefront of the news with some more lunacy, this time courtesy of Secretary of State Ken Bennett. Last week, Bennett said that although he doesn’t believe it, ‘several constituents’ wanted proof that President Barack Obama was actually born in Hawaii, even though he officially released his certificate of live birth which has been verified many times by Hawaiian officials. Look at his CNN video about the ‘birther’ conspiracy. But this isn’t good enough for the ‘birthers’. And of course the head ‘birther’ in Arizona is Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Arpaio is known as “America’s toughest sheriff” because of his unorthodox disciplinarian methods used on prisoners such as making them wear pink underwear, live in tents, work on chain gangs and eat green bologna.  He’s no stranger to controversy. He’s currently being investigated by the federal government for abuse of power for his enforcement methods of the controversial anti-illegal immigration act SB1070. We remember when this unenforceable, discriminatory law was passed, a journalist famously asked Governor Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer, ‘What does an illegal immigrant looks like?’. In true Brewer fashion, she gave a deer in the headlight look, hemmed, hawed, mumbled and finally admitted she didn’t know. Because she knows that to enforce the law, you have to racially profile a certain segment of the population and to the conservative mindset, that means Hispanics.

Yes, Sheriff Arpaio has indeed been a popular figure in Arizona, especially with conservatives. He’s been in office for twenty years. He even had a short tv series on Fox Realty Channel. But we think his ego has gotten out of control. There’s a laundry list of controversies surrounding this man including several concerning abuse of power. His pursuance of the ‘birther’ issue using taxpayers money and the SB 1070 law are just two of the latest more annoying instances of this abuse of power.

So we say this to Sheriff Joe(like he’s going to listen to us): Please retire. Arizona can survive without you as Sheriff. You’re 80 years old. You’ve had a great twenty year run and a lot of great moments. Even we liked the pink underwear and chain gangs. But this latest escapade with the ‘birthers’ and SB1070 shows that it’s time to ride off into the sunset in true Arizona sheriff tradition. Please quit embarrassing our great state and give the reins to someone else.

So remember Arizonans: do ol’ Sheriff Joe and this state a big favor this fall and vote him out of office.

Space station astronauts took this photo of the ego inflated head of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio rising up into the troposphere proclaiming his words of wisdom to all within earshot.

 

Mormon Chants

It was a beautiful afternoon the other day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. The temperature had dropped into the low 100’s, so our gruff but lovable senior citizen staffer, Chester Einstein, went for a late afternoon constitutional through one of the many Cactus Corners subdivisions.  He was having a fine time: enjoying the blue skies, green trees, chirping birds, barking dogs, rock landscaped yards, slithering snakes and blossoming cacti. Then suddenly he was accosted…by two pimply faced, bicycle riding, Mormon missionaries. Yes, these well groomed youngsters rode next to and harassed Chester about where he lived, how long he has lived there, did he want to go to heaven or hell and whether he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior for several blocks. Finally, Chester pulled the old “Look! It’s Jesus!” ploy and when the boys excitedly turned to look, Chester ducked behind a hedge and ran like hell. Needless to say, his carefree outing was ruined, but he did get some good exercise.

This reminded us of an article in our August 1, 2004 issue. Just a reminder folks: in the land of Mormons, conversion is a year round process. So even in 100 plus degree heat, stay vigilant and when you see them coming, start running.

Local Mormon Lads Sweating Their Asses Off

Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.

“I must admit it’s been a bit challenging lately,” commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. “I mean shit… ooops, damn. I didn’t mean to say that…we’re sweating our asses off here…, Fuck I did it again. Hell, I’m cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried.”

“I don’t think this is very fair,” said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. “It’s so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we’ve got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don’t want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt.”

It’s a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It’s also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren’t accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, “It’s important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn’t complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don’t start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that’s hot!”

“I don’t see how we’re going to convert people, when we’re all hot, sweaty and smelly,” said Brennan wearily. “You should see people’s reaction when they see us coming. It’s like we’ve got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I’m really starting to get a complex.”

“Catholics don’t have to do this crap,” snarled Neal. “Hunt wants more conversions, I’ll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I’ll probably go to hell now! But I don’t fear hell; I’ve been to Cactus Corners, Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.

…And The Children Shall Lead

No satire in this post, just a couple of great links. This fantastic Flash app, The Scale of the Universe 2, shows the scale of the universe from the very small to the very large. The truly amazing thing about this application was that it was built by a couple of 14 year old California teens, Cary and Michael Huang. If you haven’t seen this app already(it’s been viral for awhile), click on the link and play with the slider. If more kids understood science like these kids (hell if more adults understood science this well), this planet would have a bright future. Great job guys!!

Brotherly Love

Now that President Obama has come out in support of same sex marriage, we think it’s the perfect time to present this selection as our Book o’ the Month. Give it to a relative who is a red state, redneck conservative and watch his head explode. Fun times!

Rebel Without A Tattoo

It seems like everyone nowadays has a tattoo and body piercing. Some people even have them crawling up their necks (D-Backs Ryan Roberts) and on their face (Mike Tyson). Some people even get metal spikes installed in their heads. As little as thirty years ago, getting a tattoo or body piercing meant you were a rebel and a non-conformist.  Now it seems that if someone wants to rebel and be different, they need to decline to modify their bodies with art or metal. Could it be that being a square is the new cool? We wouldn’t go that far…but the possibility would be funny.

Here’s an article from our August 1, 2004 issue which covers just such a scenario.

College Student Rebels: Opts For No Tattoos Or Body Piercing

Austin McDaniel, who is a freshman at Arizona State University, decided to rebel against his peers and not get a tattoo or body piercing.

“I don’t know,” said McDaniel. “I just decided to go against the grain. I mean, come on. Either you got a ring through your tongue or you got a skull tattoo on your ass. It’s so cliché. I play by my own rules. I just thought I’d do something different.”

Other students noticed McDaniel’s rebellion. “I don’t get it,” said senior General Studies student Sean Heaton. “Why wouldn’t you want a piercing through your nose or tattoos on your neck? I just don’t understand this younger generation. I really fear for our future.”

Senior Communications major Melinda Kord agreed. “Some people just have to be non-conformist hooligans! For me there’s nothing sexier than a guy with tattoos and piercing all over his body. Take Brady Shelton. He’s got fifty tattoos on his body, a nose piercing, both of his ears pierced, his toes pierced, his eyebrows pierced, his tongue pierced, his lips pierced, his nipples pierced. He’s even got his you-know-what pierced. He’s so peachy keen! Golly, I wish he’d ask me out for a malted.”

However, Exercise Science major, April Donovan, said that McDaniel’s rebellion is sexy. “Sure, he doesn’t set off metal detectors, but I guess a non-decorated body is kinda radical. I do love a rebel. I wonder if he drives a station wagon. That would be so out there!”

It’s The Size That Counts

The last photo-toon in our zany zealot retrospective features Osama Bin Laden from our October 28, 2007 issue. Yes, relive those glorious years of the Bush Administration when you proved how much you loved America by wearing a flag lapel pin at all times, even in the hot tub. Remember, in America: the bigger, the better.

Al-Qaeda leader and the world's biggest pain in the ass, Osama Bin Laden, released another tape recently where he denied that he was a terrorist.

Oh, It’s Bora Bora…

Continuing with our zany zealot retrospective…we finally switch to the biggest pain in the world’s rear, Osama Bin Laden, who like Saddam Hussein, was a monster created by the United States. He was one of the Afghan freedom fighters against the Soviet occupation that were much heralded by then President Ronald Reagan. The mastermind of the 9/11 attacks and other terrorist attacks around the globe, and the leader of the terrorist group Al-Qaeda hid successfully in Pakistan, our supposed ally, for ten years until President Barack Obama ordered the attack that killed him last year. BTW, we think President Barack Obama has a right to tout the attack. If Dubya can don an enhanced flight suit, land on aircraft carrier and use 9/11 repeatedly for political purposes for his re-election in 2004, then we have no problem with Obama doing the same.

Here’s a photo-toon from our December 5, 2004 issue, when Osama Bin Laden was supposedly hiding in the Tora Bora region in eastern Afghanistan.

Last week, Pakistan intelligence sources revealed Osama Bin Laden isn't in Tora Bora in Afghanistan, he is in Bora Bora in Tahiti.

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – May 2012

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter, is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, May 17th – Origami Cactus Party at Maggie Bell’s house. Everybody will create their own origami cacti. Maggie will supply the paper, you supply the booze.
  • Saturday, May 19th – I Hate Men Night at Mistress Spankarella’s dungeon. Women, get your aggressions out on all men as Mistress Spankarella straps some poor schlep on the Wheel of Pain for some big time retribution. A male volunteer is needed. Hello. Anyone?
  • Monday, May 21st – Midnight rollerblading at Cactus Wash Drainage Ditch. Be sure to bring your flashlights, because it’s crazy dark down there. Word has it the concrete is a bit uneven, too. Helmets and pads are optional.
  • Thursday, May 24th – Candyland Night at Dale Carlson’s house. Bring your own sweets to enjoy while navigating Gumdrop Pass and Lollipop Woods. The night’s overall winner wins a big, 12 inch, candy cane courtesy of Dale.
  • Sunday, May 27th – Thin the Herd Hike planned at Rattler’s Canyon in the Buzzard Mountains southwest of Gila Bend. This remote, isolated area, miles from the nearest hospital, is noted for it’s abundance of poisonous critters like the Western Diamondback rattlesnake, the Gila Monster, the bark scorpion and numerous other exciting, deadly animals. Be sure to wear as little clothing as possible because it will be plenty hot out. Don’t worry about water, either. Our 75 year old map says there’s a small stream in the canyon.
  • Wednesday, May 30th – Happy Hour at Café Muy Caro in Cactus Pavilions Strip Mall. Join us for lackluster conversation, somewhat edible food, and tremendously overpriced drinks. Be sure to bring your credit cards, because you’ll get reamed worse here than at the gas pump.
  • Friday, June 1st –Casino Night at Cactus Valley Casino. This casino guarantees not only the loosest slots in town, but also the loosest sluts. Spend your paycheck at the blackjack tables; lose your mortgage payment at the craps table; or just get loaded from the free drinks served by the sexiest waitresses this side of Ahwatukee. Plus, relive the glorious music of 1980’s super group Wang Chung with the Wang Chung Experience in the Charlie Callas Room. Like the song sez: Everyone have fun tonight, everyone Wang Chung tonight!
  • Sunday, June 3rd – Hike planned at Grommet’s Ravine near Wickenburg. This area used to be an industrial waste dump and has been semi-cleaned up. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a few wild dogs with two tails, five legged cats and three-eyed mice. Wear waterproof shoes since some of the left over toxic sludge tends to eat through shoe leather and skin.

 

Saddam’s Grim Visitor

Another Saddam photo-toon, this time from our November 13, 2006 issue. A certain Mr. Reaper pays a visit to the pillar of humanism to remind him of his grim prospects.

Saddam Hussein, who was sentenced to death last week in his trial in Iraq for crimes against humanity, has his tirade interrupted by a special visitor.

Saddam’s Lawyer?

Our zany zealot retrospective continues with more Saddam Hussein… This photo-toon is from our July 18th, 2004 issue and features Saddam’s surprise choice of lawyer for his criminal trial in Iraq. We think he may have watched too much American TV.

Saddam Hussein surprised the world when he introduced Ben Matlock to be his defense attorney for his upcoming trial.