Archive for Wide World O’ Wacky

Rewind: John Bolton’s Image Makeover

The exodus of personnel from the disaster that is the Trump White House continues. Rumor has it that NSA advisor, H.R. McMaster, one of the few competent people in the Trump administration, is heading for the hills. The scuttlebutt is that everyone’s favorite mustachioed, hate filled, crusty curmudgeon, former United Nations Ambassador during the Bush Administration, John Bolton, is being considered for the NSA position. Bolton is an unabashed warmonger and would be disastrous not only for the country but for the world.

Back during Dubya’s days in the White House, we had a regular feature here at the Bucket called Probing Inquiries. Bolton definitely had an image problem (and still does) and desperately needed an image makeover so he’d appeal to a wider swath of Americans. How’d it turn out? You be the judge.

This is from our January 11, 2006 issue.

Probing Inquiries

Fantasticus - BilgeBucket GazetteJohn Bolton Softens His Image

The new controversial U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, recently hired a crew to completely makeover his image from a grizzled curmudgeon to a softer, more amiable statesman. Leader of the makeover team, world renowned fashion consultant Fantasticus, who is also responsible for the stylish makeovers of Katie Couric, Condoleezza Rice and Prince Charles’ polo horse Skippy, describes the different looks considered in the makeover odyssey. The final result will surely make John Bolton the most loveable U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations ever!

John Bolton with a Michael Bolton makeover.The obvious first choice was to make John Bolton look like the other famous Bolton in America, singer Michael Bolton. We thought the long locks, smoldering eyes and sex appeal of Michael would transfer well to John. We were wrong. Next!






John Bolton with a Donald Trump makeover.Next!!!!!








John Bolton with an Easter Bunny makeover.We decided to try to make John Bolton more fluffy and lovable and who is more fluffy and lovable than the Easter Bunny. Well this just plain frightened our test group, which was made up of mostly children. I’m pretty sure they’ll probably have nightmares for the remainders of their lives. Next!





John Bolton with a Tyra Banks makeoverThe makeover was going downhill quicker than Bill O’Reilly’s ‘War on Christmas’, so I called in makeover diva, Tyra Banks, as a consultant. Tyra is known for her ‘fierce’ makeovers, but this look just creeped everyone out. Next! Hurry!






John Bolton with a Dame Edna makeover.WINNER! We fired Tyra immediately, but she was on the right track. Who’s more non-threatening in a masculine-feminine way than Dame Edna. This look will put his fellow ambassadors at ease and bring laughter and love to the entire United Nations.






We’re Living In 1984

We’re sick of Trump and his horde of gun loving, conservative Republican malcontents, so we’re doing a palette cleanser today and instead focus on how technology has transformed our society and not always for the best.

We’ve commented before about the ubiquity of cell phones and how we’re completely and totally distracted by all things related to technology. We saw the old Apple Macintosh commercial from 1984 not too long ago and the irony leaped out at us. In the commercial, the downtrodden people are slaves to their masters who appear on screens barking instructions on what to do and how to do it. By choosing the Mac, one can break free from the bonds of uniformity and gains independence.

Cut to the 21st century and people everywhere are walking around like automatons taking orders from first, Apple’s guru Steve Jobs, who passed away in 2011, and now Tim Cook. When Apple issues a new iPhone, people drop what they’re doing and wait in line for days for the new gadget. When Jobs spoke, people sat spellbound in the audience just like in the 1984 commercial. Now, Cook does the same. Oh, the Irony!

We’re not saying all tech is bad. The Internet is clearly a wonderful thing. No longer does one have to trek to a library to do research. One can find the weather forecast instantaneously or watch world events happening in real time.  But the fact is that we don’t control technology anymore; technology controls us.  We are truly slaves to technology. And the people who are in control of our society are taking complete advantage.  At any given time, you can be tracked down and located. One disturbing instance in Orwell’s book 1984 was that people couldn’t even enjoy their own privacy. Big Brother was always watching them and knew where they were at all times. Well, Big Brother is watching us now and it’s not just the government. Tech companies like Facebook, Twitter and Google wield enormous power and influence. Our society is permanently distracted by social media and until we learn to control our addiction, our society will continue to suffer. When the measure of a human being is how many friends one has on Facebook or how many followers you have on Twitter then something is seriously wrong. We need to break free from this conformity and regain our independence or else accept that the dystopian future of 1984 has come to pass.

Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell's book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.

Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell’s book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.

America’s Ultimate Creepy Clown

Sometimes reality writes the best jokes…

There have been a rash of creepy clown sightings world wide recently. But nothing like the huuuuuuuge sighting last night in St. Louis, Missouri at the 2nd Presidential Debate. Yes America… Donald Trump is the Ultimate Creepy Clown.

Donald Trump stakes his claim as America's ultimate creepy clown.

There was a huuuuuge creepy clown sighting at the 2nd Presidential Debate last night in St. Louis, Missouri.

The Stoner Who Would Be President

As if the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 couldn’t get any stranger, the once respectable Chicago Tribune announced this past week that they’re going to endorse not Donald Trump… not Hillary Clinton… but Libertarian candidate and stoner extraordinaire, Gary ‘Dude’ Johnson. We’ve gained a little, tiny bit of respect lately for the Arizona Republic and the San Diego Tribune for breaking with tradition and endorsing the only sane choice for President, Democrat Hillary Clinton. But come on Chicago Tribune. This man had another ‘Aleppo’ moment last week on Chris Matthews when he couldn’t name a world leader. We think the people at the Trib may be ex-High Times employees and may be smoking the same thing as the ‘Dude’.

Libertarian candidate Gary 'Dude' Johnson says that Captain America is a gnarly world leader much to the approval of the stoners at the Chicago Tribune, who endorse him totally for President.

The stoners over at the Chicago Tribune think that Libertarian candidate Gary ‘Dude’ Johnson would be a totally awesome choice for President.

Rewind: The Bush Putin Bromance

As we’ve noted before, GOP nominee Donald Trump and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have struck up quite the bromance lately. But it’s not Putin’s first bromance with a Republican President. George W. Bush and Putin developed quite a chummy relationship back during Dubya’s disastrous presidency. Bush even famously said, “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.”  Wow! Get a room will ya.

As a matter of fact, Trump and his VP nominee, Mike Pence, have stated that they think Putin is a stronger leader than Obama. And why wouldn’t Republicans not like the authoritarian dictator (we know he’s technically president, but come on!). Putin strong arms and bullies everyone and stifles dissent, just like Republicans. Gee, no wonder he has a high approval rating. If you disagree, you die. This is what the Republicans have been after since…well…forever; absolute power and dominance over not just this country, but the world.

There’s a reason why some people consider Putin the most dangerous man in the world; we’re talking James Bond kind of villainous. Putin sees a way to make Russia great again. Putin saw a sucker with Bush and he sees another simp in Trump. If he can cleverly get America to bite on several more disastrous quagmires like Iraq and Afghanistan, which would be likely with the hotheaded Trump in charge(we’re thinking Syria, Iran, Iraq again, North Korea, Ukraine and Mexico – basically World War III), America’s wealth would be bled away again and Russia would return to prominence in the world order.  So go ahead Trump supporters; make Russia great again and enjoy all those new wars in which you’ll be fighting. There’s a reason Millennials hate Trump; with him they have no future.

This photo-toon is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Putin advises George W. Bush that to rid himself of pesky dissenters, just use a pinch of Polonium 210 and a dash of AK-47 and Voila.

While rekindling their romance recently in Maine, President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin discussed possible solutions to some of their more difficult problems, like dealing with people who disagree with them.

Remembering Aleppo Marx

Last week was a bad week for everyone involved with the farce known as Con-a-thon 2016, (especially we the people who have to endure this shit). Hillary Clinton kept getting hit about her emails and then got pneumonia to boot. Donald Trump’s fraud, lies and deceptions kept proliferating. Matt Lauer completely botched the Commander-in-Chief forum. Anyone else?

Yes indeed! Libertarian candidate and former Republican Gary Johnson had the biggest fail of all last Friday. When questioned about the besieged Syrian city of Aleppo, Johnson replied with a perplexed look on his face, “What is Aleppo?”. Not good! Not good at all…especially for someone who would be making vital decisions in this region for years to come. He’s running for President of the United States, not President of the PTA. He did recover somewhat and even took responsibility for the gaffe saying he needed to do better. But the damage was done. We’re guessing that maybe Johnson should’ve laid off the weed before the interview. The disturbing thing is…he still knows more than Donald Trump.

Libertarian presidential candidate, Gary 'Dude' Johnson' explains that Aleppo was the funniest of the Marx Brothers.

Libertarian Presidential candidate, Gary ‘Dude’ Johnson, explains that Aleppo was the funniest of the Marx Brothers.

Children Of The Don

The adult children of GOP nominee Donald Trump made headlines this past week by releasing a truly creepy ad aimed at Millennials. Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. looked eerily like some combination of the Children of the Corn, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and the Stepford Wives as they seem to be saying to their peers: Vote for our dad… or we will destroy you! It kind of makes us glad that we’re old coots here at the Bucket, and we’ll be kicking the bucket relatively soon. We’d hate to have to live in a world where these soulless husks of human flesh rule over humanity. At least they’ve got a future in horror movies.

Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump command millennials Children of the Corn style to vote for their dad or face complete destruction.

Donald Trump’s children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr,  have released a new ad that commands Millennials to vote for their dad or face the dire consequences.

In This Corner…

Here’s a shocker: Donald Trump said something outrageous! In keeping with his daily blathering of nonsense, the megalomaniac, orange haired rage monster said recently that he’d love to debate, “But I have to see the conditions”. Yeah…right! Given the Donald’s penchant for wrestling in the past, we here at the Bucket have an idea of what kind of debate he wants; a no holds barred wrestling match with Hillary. Just think of the ratings! But be sure to keep an eye on ol’ hound dog Bill and Melania at ringside(wink, wink).

Democrat Hillary Clinton puts Republican Donald Trump in a headlock in the first ever Presidential Debate/Wrestling Match while their respective mates, Bill Clinton and Melania Trump, get to know each other at ringside.

Democrat Hillary Clinton puts Republican Donald Trump in a headlock in the first ever Presidential Debate/Wrestling Match while their respective mates, Bill Clinton and Melania Trump, get to know each other at ringside.

The Trumputin Bromance

As the Democratic National Convention wound up this week and the Democrats, the only sane party left in the United States, united to support their nominee Hillary Clinton, news surfaced that the Russians may have been involved in hacking the DNC email server. If that wasn’t enough, authoritarian demagogue, GOP nominee and comedian extraordinaire,  Donald Trump, “jokingly” hoped his pal Vladimer Putin hacked into Hillary’s email server to find missing emails. Way to go Trump! Nothing says patriotic like conspiring with the Russians and committing treason on your fellow American.This shouldn’t surprise anyone though because Republicans have been pulling this shit for the last half century at least. Remember Nixon sabotaging the Paris peace talks in 1968. Or how about St. Ronald Reagan’s secretive deal with Iran, behind the Carter administration’s back, in 1980. Then there’s the whole Watergate affair with Nixon again. And who could forget the malfeasance of the 2000 election, when the conservative leaning Supreme Court and Dubya’s brother Jeb, handed the presidency to George W. Bush. If you’re looking for filthy politics, look no further than your nearest Republican.

Then, to top it off, Trump then tried to distance himself from his hot bromance with Putin, by saying they’ve never met despite evidence to the contrary. What’s amazing (and frightening) is that there are still people who want this orange haired pathological liar to have his finger on the nuclear button.

Donald Trump thanks his pal, Vladimir Putin for hacking into Hillary's email server and awkwardly flatters him with a comparison to his lovely wife Melanoma.

The budding bromance between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and U.S. President-Wannabee, Donald Trump, seems to be taking all kinds of awkward turns and twists these days.

Brand Recognition

On the eve of the Republican National Convention, a.k.a. The Finest Dumpster Fire The World Has Even Seen, the RNC is busy preparing themselves for what looks to be a complete clusterf*ck. Donald Trump seems to have selected Indiana governor, christian soldier and blandest man alive, Mike Pence, as his running mate. Many prominent Republicans are not even attending the convention, preferring to distance themselves from Mr. Trump. Given this, the Republican party has decided to officially assent to the rise of Trump by re-branding the party with a brand new logo which more properly reflects its current ideology: a steaming pile of patriotic shit (note the dead elephant’s trunk sticking out on top).

On the eve of the Republican convention, the GOP has revealed its brand new logo which more accurately represents its current ideology: a steaming pile of patriotic shit.

On the eve of the Republican convention, the GOP has revealed its brand new logo which more accurately represents its current ideology.