Archive for Wide World O’ Wacky

Akron Instead Of Dallas?

During our 20th anniversary retrospective last year, we reposted a couple of photo-toons from our Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors feature we had from 2003-2009, postulating that we would resurrect the light hearted feature in the future when we needed a palate cleanser from the dirty world of politics. We’ll here’s our latest installment, just in time to take a break from TFG and his corrupt pals in the joke that is the Roberts’ Supreme Court.

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources takes a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

Today’s completely not made-up authentic rumor is that the smash ’80s TV show Dallas was originally named Akron and set in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. The show was to revolve around the exploits of the Ewing family who were a clan of rubber robber barons. Wow! Does that sound exciting or what? If this show would’ve taken off, people would have flocking to Akron during the ’80s instead of Dallas. Oh, what could have been.

Rumor has it that Dallas was originally named Akron when it was first conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around the Ewing family who were rubber robber barons living in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. Fortunately, veteran actor Larry Hagman suggested that the Ewings be a family of oil tycoons who lived on a sprawling ranch in the Texas city of Dallas, which was experiencing massive growth at the time. The result was one of the most popular television series of all time. The third season cliffhanger episode of "Who shot J.R.?" was one of the most watched episodes ever and made Larry Hagman a megastar. We can only imagine at how quickly the show would have been cancelled had it stayed in Akron.
Rumor has it that Dallas was originally named Akron when it was first conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around the Ewing family who were rubber robber barons living in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. Fortunately, veteran actor Larry Hagman suggested that the Ewings be a family of oil tycoons who lived on a sprawling ranch in the Texas city of Dallas, which was experiencing massive growth at the time. The result was one of the most popular television series of all time. The third season cliffhanger episode of “Who shot J.R.?” was one of the most watched episodes ever and made Larry Hagman a megastar. We can only imagine at how quickly the show would have been cancelled had it stayed in Akron.

Forecast 2024: Goodbye Women’s Rights?

We’re not going to lie to you, folks. We’ve been thinking of hanging up the old bilge bucket over the last couple years. We don’t like what’s happening with TFG, the GOP or the corporate media. If this were a functioning socity of law and order, he should already be in jail serving a sentence for any of his 91 criminal counts, especially provoking the Jan. 6th insurrection. It’s obvious and if the Republicans were in any way honest, they’d admit their mistake, cut him loose and choose a new standard bearer for their party. But they’re not honest in the slightest despite claiming to be conservative christians. We honestly don’t think if Jesus somehow came back to Earth, he’d be hanging out with Trumpty Dumpty.

We think Biden is doing a great job – a lot better than we thought he would quite frankly. He’s been laser focused on restoring our relationships with our allies, helping spread democracy in Ukraine and improving the economy. His legislative victories (Infrastructure Act, Inflation Reduction Act, Chips Act, Pact Act, etc . . .) are reminiscent of LBJ’s first term. So we absolutely don’t trust polls that say Trump is leading Biden. Moreover, the media is doing an atrocious job of highlighting Biden’s accomplishments. Remember, Trump said the stock market would crash under Biden, but instead, it’s been approaching all-time highs. Not only that, he has hardly spent any time on the golf course unlike a certain orange tub o’ goo.

We’ve decided to go one more election cycle (or Con-a-thons as we like to call them) and then call it quits. We’ll be mostly posting old photo-toons relating to TFG since he’s the same a-hole that he’s been since forever. Plus, we’ll add some new ones on him and the new confederacy of dunces masquerading as GOP congressmen and senators. Plus, to keep our own sanity, we’ll post non-political schtuff to try and get back to our original quest of being a poor man’s Onion. Will it work? Who knows! But let’s see what happens anyway.

Republicans have already taken away reproductive rights from females and are aiming to regress the role of women in America to 19th century status of being just a non-voting baby factory.
Republicans have already taken away reproductive rights from females and are aiming to regress the role of women in America to 19th century status of being just a non-voting baby factory.

Rewind: R U Rapture Ready?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The recent turmoil in the Middle East between Israel and the Palestinians have the got the conservative evangelical christians thumping their bibles salivating for the end times and the rapture when all good christians will be slurped up to heaven (which is presumably somewhere in Earth’s atmosphere although no satellite photos have shown its precise whereabouts).


Of course, anytime anything goes wrong in the Middle East (which is pretty much every day) the christians scream about the end times and how Jesus is coming again. Back in July and August of 2006, the Lebanon War between Hezbollah and Israel had evangelicals sounding the alarm. But alas, the end of the world didn’t happen and nobody was raptured. The fact that at that time, legitimate news organizations like CNN would actually mention the rapture should make logical, intelligent and reasonable citizens very weary of any news organization that would promote such ridiculous bunk as the rapture. It’s kind of like entertainment shows that still feature astrologers and horoscopes. But then again, America elected Trump in 2016. Stupid is as stupid does.

This photo-toon is from our August 11, 2006 issue.

The escalation of hostilities in the Middle East has launched an obsession of talk about the Apocalypse, the end of the world and the Rapture on supposedly responsible news networks like CNN.
The escalation of hostilities in the Middle East has launched an obsession of talk about the Apocalypse, the end of the world and the Rapture on supposedly responsible news networks like CNN.

Rewind: The Earth Speaks

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

This repost isn’t from 2003-2009 but it is very appropriate given the latest turmoil in the Middle East. We originally posted it to honor Earth Day but we feel it covers the deadly conflicts that constantly seem to erupt in that region as well. The Middle East: it could very well lead to the death of the Earth. Way to go, humans!

This photo-toon is from our April 22, 2012 post.

The Earth comments that humans will be the death of it
The space station astronauts took this rare photo of the Earth commenting on the latest violent conflict to erupt in the Middle East.

Rewind: The Rockford Flies?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Here’s the second (and final) of our old photo-toon series called Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors. The intro for this schtick was as follows:

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources takes a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

In this photo-toon from our October 28. 2006 issue, we explore the completely not made-up authentic rumor that the original title of The Rockford Files was actually a transposition of the l and i in the word flies resulting in much more intriguing and hilarious The Rockford Flies. Can’t you just see it now? James Garner as a garbage man solving crimes with two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. We believe it would have been just as good as old TV classics like Mr. T and Tina, Joanie Loves Chachi and Manimal. Oh, what could have been!

Rumor has it that this show was named The Rockford Flies when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around an easy going garbage collector on the gritty streets of Los Angeles who solves crimes with the help of two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. Fortunately savvy star James Gardner suggested to simply transpose the l and the i in the title and make Rockford an easy going private investigator living in a Malibu beach trailer and replace the flies with a human dad. The result was an Emmy winning classic television detective show that lasted six seasons and produced one of the best loved theme songs by Mike Post. We can only speculate what may have happened had the executives kept the original title and premise. We predict it would have challenged Mr. T. and Tina, Joanie Love Chachi and Manimal on the top of the scrap heap of awful television shows.
Rumor has it that this show was named The Rockford Flies when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around an easy going garbage collector on the gritty streets of Los Angeles who solves crimes with the help of two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. Fortunately savvy star James Gardner suggested to simply transpose the l and the i in the title and make Rockford an easy going private investigator living in a Malibu beach trailer and replace the flies with a human dad. The result was an Emmy winning classic television detective show that lasted six seasons and produced one of the best loved theme songs by Mike Post. We can only speculate what may have happened had the executives kept the original title and premise. We predict it would have challenged Mr. T. and Tina, Joanie Love Chachi and Manimal on the top of the scrap heap of awful television shows.

Rewind: Diagnosis Mortar?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

We’re still rummaging through our archives and we discovered a fun little photo-toon series that we called Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors. Unfortunately, we only produced a couple pieces but the possibilities for hijinx are endless given that the Internet is the rumor mill on steroids, so we may try resurrecting it in the near future . . . that is if we don’t become a fascist authoritarian nightmare after the 2024 election. The intro for this schtick was as follows:

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources takes a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

In this photo-toon from our March 29. 2007 issue, we explore the completely not made-up authentic rumor that the original title of Diagnosis Murder was actually Diagnosis Mortar. Now that would’ve been an exciting TV show, amirite? Dick Van Dyke as a doctor moonlighting as a masonry advisor for Hollywood celebrities? Why, the jokes write themselves!

Rumor has it that this show was named Diagnosis Mortar when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around a respected L.A. doctor, who moonlights as a masonry advisor for celebrities. Fortunately, television legend, Dick Van Dyke, realized the lameness of the premise and suggested that his character, Dr. Sloan, moonlight as a detective solving some of L.A.'s toughest murders. The result was a classic television series that lasted from 1993 to 2001. This despite having Scott Baio on the show for two years. The idea for Diagnosis Mortar was resurrected in 2004 by Fox with star Bob Villa, but was cancelled half way through the show's first commercial break.
Rumor has it that this show was named Diagnosis Mortar when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around a respected L.A. doctor, who moonlights as a masonry advisor for celebrities. Fortunately, television legend, Dick Van Dyke, realized the lameness of the premise and suggested that his character, Dr. Sloan, moonlight as a detective solving some of L.A.’s toughest murders. The result was a classic television series that lasted from 1993 to 2001. This despite having Scott Baio on the show for two years. The idea for Diagnosis Mortar was resurrected in 2004 by Fox with star Bob Villa, but was cancelled half way through the show’s first commercial break.

Rewind: Pat & Rudy Time Warpin’

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Pat Robertson, the uber-evangelical preacher who, together with fellow holy huckster Jerry Falwell, blew hot air into the christian nationalism movement that is threatening to turn our democracy into a theocracy, died last week. We had a very poignant salute to Falwell when he died in 2007 (and repost in 2015) listing all his greatest hates so just visit that page and you’ll be up to date on Robertson’s dubious record. We’ve also had a photo-toon featuring Robertson and his exceptional ability to exaggerate, but then that’s what you should expect from an evangelical con-man. But we found another photo-toon from our November 29, 2007 issue of Robertson endorsing Rudy Giuliani for President in 2008, presumably for his role in helping New York heal after 9/11. We had an article covering that election. But this photo-toon features Robertson with Giuliani dressed in drag ala Rocky Horror Picture Show. In case you’ve forgotten, Giuliani dressed in drag on more than a few occasions including a strange one with megalomaniac man-child Donald Trump. We wonder what ultra-conservative, christian, anti-LGBTQ MAGA Morons and QAnon nutbags would say if they saw this video of Trump motorboating Rudy’s fake boobies.

Ultra-conservative televangelist Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President in 2008 even though Giuliani had supported abortion and gay rights, two issues which Robertson is vehemently against, and had dressed in drag on several occasions.
Ultra-conservative televangelist Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President in 2008 even though Giuliani had supported abortion and gay rights, two issues which Robertson is vehemently against, and had dressed in drag on several occasions.

Rewind: Fashion Shrubberies

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

One of the strange constants in this modern world is the wackiness of the fashion industry. Each year, fashion houses pump out the latest in haute couture with models prowling the catwalks wearing trendy costumes that no normal woman or man would wear even for Halloween. And yet, celebrities flock to these extravaganzas and schmooze with other wealthy elites just to be seen in what many view as an orgy of status attainment and snobbery.

We’ve had some fun with the fashion world before at the Bucket (here and here) and we uncovered another photo-toon from our October 6, 2006 issue illustrating the wackiness of these avant garde trendsetters. Are you ready for some fashion shrubberies? We’re sure they’ll be available soon at your nearest Kohls or Home Depot.

Fashion shrubberies, like this one by Elmer Goochie Nurseries presented last week at London Fashion Week, are making a huge comeback this spring.
Fashion shrubberies, like this one by Elmer Goochie Nurseries presented last week at London Fashion Week, are making a huge comeback this spring.

Rewind: Pickles – RAW

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

There weren’t many good things about the Bush administration. Let’s face it, folks: they screwed up the economy, the United States’ standing in the world and crippled us with two unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. About the best thing about Dubya and his gang of corrupt buffoons was Laura Bush. As First Lady, she wasn’t awful. Sure she was a kowtowing christian wife who meekly demurred to her christian husband. Remember in 2006 when she said it was okay to sing the national anthem in Spanish and when she heard Dubya’s opinion differed she changed her mind to match her husband. Man do thinking – women make food, have babies. Ugggh!

But Laura Bush did have a sense of humor as evidence in 2005 at the White House correspondent’s dinner. She gave a bawdy little stand up routine that was well received by everyone across the political spectrum. Some of the jokes were even at the expense of lil’ Georgie who sat red faced while she mocked him roundly. One particular anecdote dealt with Dubya’s early attempts at ranching that thoroughly humiliated him. “George didn’t know much about ranches when we bought the place. Andover and Yale don’t have a real strong ranching program. But I’m proud of George. He’s learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What’s worse, it was a male horse. “ Yes, the imagery of ol’ Dubya whacking off a stallion is pretty damn funny. Not even Jon Stewart could have done better.

Here’s a photo-toon from our June 6, 2005 issue featuring the cover of Laura ‘Pickles’ Bush bawdy new comedy album RAW featuring horse masturbation jokes.

Emboldened by her recent success at the White House correspondents' dinner, First Lady Laura 'Pickles' Bush released her bawdy new comedy album last week.
Emboldened by her recent success at the White House correspondents’ dinner, First Lady Laura ‘Pickles’ Bush released her bawdy new comedy album last week.

Rewind: Top Revelations In The DaVinci Code

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Since the evangelical christians and conspiracy minded QAnon wingnuts have taken over the GOP we’ve decided to repost a BilgeBucket List from our May 31, 2006 edition when we reported on the top revelations of the movie The DaVinci Code. This film threw a lot of christan groups and conspiracy buffs into royal hissy fits. The blockbuster by Ron Howard, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, opened to huge box office numbers. Its opening week raked in $224 million worldwide. The controversial book elicited complaints from the Catholic Church and other christian organizations because it speculates that Jesus actually married Mary Magdalene and has descendants walking among us today. But there were other juicy tidbits as well. So, here are those shocking and totally not made up revelations in no particular order.

  • Jesus and Mary Magdalene had two children named Wally and ‘The Beav’
  • Peter always walked around au natural at meetings which annoyed all the other apostles except James . . . Hmmmmm
  • The beverage served at the Last Supper: Zima
  • Emperor Constantine legalized Christianity at the Council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. and also penned the classic Disco hit “Get Down Tonight”
  • Zeus is the one true God
  • Jesus liked to wear his hair in braids, adorn himself with bling and rap with his homies when he wasn’t performing miracles
  • JFK was killed by space aliens
  • Judas annoyingly ended everybody’s sentences by saying “That’s what she said!”
  • The Mona Lisa was smiling because DaVinci’s fly was open while he was painting her
  • The world was created by leprechauns
  • Opus Dei members get a special member discount at Walmart
  • Elvis is alive and well and managing a Burger King in Tuscaloosa
  • The original message scribbled under the Mona Lisa: “So Dark The Wrath of Khan”
  • The Holy Grail is actually a big ass beer stein located in Munich’s Hofbrau House
  • Black helicopters are really more of a midnight blue
  • The current Grand Master of The Priory of Sion: Pauly Shore