Archive for SKYMart Bargains

Gypstone’s Deluxe Mobile Head Massager

Here’s the next trend setting SKYMart product that will surely be a crowd pleaser.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchantshopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Have you ever been sitting in the airport and wanted your head massaged? You just can’t ask a stranger to rub his fingers over your noggin: just think of the germs, GROSS! Well, now you can get that much needed relief with the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from the leader in trendy, superfluous health products, Gypstone. Just place the chic looking, form fitting helmet on your head, tighten the lug nuts for a snug fit and relax. Feel the soothing, gyrating, molded plastic buffers rasp over your scalp, as Gypstone’s patented computerized, Massago-motors gently rattle your skull into incoherence. And the best thing is that it’s mobile. You can wear it anywhere: at the store, at the movies, at the bullfights, at the sumo-wrestling matches, driving the car, flying a plane, commanding a submarine or even making out. And since it’s so great looking, members of the opposite sex will find you completely irresistible. It even comes in two colors: Navy Blue and Flamingo Pink. So get ahead of the Joneses and purchase the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from Gypstone. Sale Price: $25,000. This product may result in dizziness, nausea, and general befuddlement.

 

PatrioTrend’s Gun Toting Inflatible Jesus

Here’s a SKYMart product just in time for the holidays. Get it for that Jesus loving, gun waving, patriotic Teabagger in your life.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Just in time for the holidays...Nothing says Merry Christmas America more than this house size inflatable Jesus who is toting an AK-47 and wearing an American flag lapel pin. Prove how much you love America and hate the terrorists by buying the biggest inflatable on the block. As we all know, bigger is better, especially in America. This large, inflatable savior means business and will put the fear of God into all those secular humanists and atheists. Inflate with hot air only. From the leader in trendy, exploitative, expensive, patriotic goods, PatrioTrends. Sale Price: only $12,250.

 

The Trendy Sharper’s Ionic Briefs

Here’s a new SKYMart product just in time for the holiday office party.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Ionic Briefs are the latest in clean air technology fashion from The Trendy Sharper, the leader in overpriced fads for today’s upscale spendthrift. These briefs are perfect for today’s go-getter who can’t afford letting an ill-advised lunch at Taco Pancho damage his chances at getting that important new business deal or scoring with that hot chick in the office. These stylish briefs detect any discharged bodily gas and automatically dispense charged ionic energy at the offending odor before it even leaves your pants. The air that wafts from your rear is as fresh as a spring day in Cleveland! Don’t pass wind inappropriately and be a loser! Take control of your trousers and blast foul flatulence to bits with a pair of Ionic Briefs. These comfortable briefs come in fashionable chocolate heather with yellow lining and a chic Trendy Sharper lightning bolt on the front to boost your confidence. Three pack now only $1000 dollars! Be the first in your office who can truly say that your shit doesn’t stink!

 

Earl Heiniemann’s BigAss Hammock

A SKYMart product from our August 31, 2006 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

The latest reports indicate that over 60 percent of Americans are obese. Since Americans are becoming bigger and bigger, larger leisure furniture is an absolute necessity. The BigAss Hammock is the perfect solution for today’s larger girthed Americans. Just conveniently hang your BigAss Hammock on any nearby suspension bridge and Voila! You’re ready for a nice afternoon snooze. Hell, snooze all day! The BigAss Hammock is just the latest quality product from the leader in trendy toys for the donut loving, hamburger snarfing, beer guzzling, BigAss American; Earl Heiniemann. Sale Price: $75.2 million. Price does not include bridge reconstruction costs.

Hamlacher Schmamlacher Personal Nuclear Reactor

A SKYMart product from our May 31, 2006 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Impress your friends with the ultimate in alternative energy chic. Yes, your personal nuclear reactor is a great conversation piece and will add a certain glow to your living room. These mini power plants come in three fantastic styles, Three Mile Island (shown), Chernobyl, and Diablo Canyon. And don’t worry about the dangerous, radioactive byproducts. Just place it in our stylish lead lined waste sacks, toss it in the garbage and it’s not your problem any more. Be the first on your block with a nuclear reactor from the leader in trendsetting fads, Hamlacher Schmamlacher. Sale Price: $1.2 billion Usually ships in three to four weeks. Locations in the Middle East and Asia may take longer.

ProTekShun Laser-Armed Guard Owl

A SKYMart product from our August 16, 2007 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

From the leader in high tech Home Security, comes the latest trendy gizmo to protect your home: the Laser-Armed Guard Owl. This deadly owl detects motion, sounds an audible alert and blasts away with powerful, high energy, chemical, oxygen iodine, laser beams from its watchful eyes. This cutting edge technology is available only in military weapons and our owl. It will slice through skin in seconds leaving anybody who dares to bother you in excruciating pain. Send a message to all the scumbags in your neighborhood like the paperboy, that Jehovah's Witness who comes by every week to convert you and sweet old Mrs. Applebee and her decadent, fat producing chocolate cream puffs. Guarantee privacy and security for yourself with the new Laser-Armed Guard Owl, from your friend in high tech Home Security, ProTekShun. Sale Price: only $500,000

Tuscanini Design Studio’s Luxury Stool

From our February 18, 2007 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

You can’t get much trendier than this Luxury Stool from the leaders in modern, contemporary, furniture design, Tuscanini Design Studio. This conversation starter is not only comfortable, it tones the body. By balancing on the streamlined tip, you’re toning your abs, hips, and scrotum in ways you’ve never dreamed possible. Plus, the cone shape enhances any trendy chic décor. Be the first in your upscale condominium with the new Luxury Stool from Tuscanini Design Studio. Sale Price: only $1 million