Tag Archive for conservative

The Last Responder

The Trump presidency continues on its catastrophic way while America’s CEO/Dictator, pathological prevaricator and man with a perpetual case of liarrhea, Donald Trump, keeps spinning more lies, delusions and deceptions to the American people. The Washington Post lie counter is well over 12,000 and the petulant man child shows no sign of letting up. He really has a penchant for alternative facts and alternative history as well like his Battle of Yorktown Airport speech just last month. As we’ve noted before, his cronies also serve up a heaping helping of distracting flak as well.

In keeping with his history of distraction, Donald Trump recently regaled the media and a group of first responders with tales of how he was actually at Ground Zero after 9/11 helping out the firefighters despite there being no actual evidence that he did anything. He also claimed to have predicted 9/11, saw thousands of Muslims celebrating and saw people jumping from the Twin Towers from his penthouse. All false statements. Of course, facts don’t matter to Trump or to his supporters. Anytime someone accuses him of stretching the truth he projects, like his conservative Republican cohorts, and calls the real news ‘Fake News’, while everything that spews forth from his gaping maw is ‘the truth’. This is red meat to his troll like followers. If Trump said 2+2=4 is fake, his followers would blindly follow. And as we’ve seen, when he speaks hateful rhetoric like ‘go back to where they came from’, his followers load up their guns and take aim.

So, let’s delve into that warped mind that is Donald Trump. Let’s imagine what it was like on that fateful day back on September 11, 2001, when Golden Man of Truth, Donald Trump, the muscles of his sculptured body rippling, stepped to the forefront upon a piece of wreckage and proclaimed to the weary firefighters, “Follow me, boys”; and then proceeded to save the soul of not only New Yorkers but all Americans. It’s all there folks, in Donald Trump’s imagination.

America’s CEO/Dictator, pathological prevaricator and man with a perpetual case of liarrhea, Donald Trump, recently regaled the masses with the story of how on 9/11, he stepped to the forefront and bravely led the first responders in rescuing many New Yorkers and saving the soul of America.
America’s CEO/Dictator, pathological prevaricator and man with a perpetual case of liarrhea, Donald Trump, recently regaled the masses with the story of how on 9/11, he stepped to the forefront and bravely led the first responders in rescuing many New Yorkers and saving the soul of America.

Moscow Mitch; Or Moscow’s Bitch

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a.k.a. Turtle Boy, has been in the headlines a lot lately. Apparently poor little Mitchy doesn’t like his new nickname, ‘Moscow Mitch’, given to him for his refusal to pass election security bills that would ensure Russia doesn’t interfere with the 2020 elections like they did in 2016. Why would anyone, especially a United States Senator, want a hostile foreign nation to interfere with our democratic elections?

Well, Turtle Boy knows that without Russian help, Republicans have no hope of winning. Ever since 1988, Republicans have only won the popular vote in the presidential elections once – that’s right folks – one time(2004). The only reason they’re even competitive in the House of Representatives is because districts are so gerrymandered by GOP controlled states that Republicans have a distinct advantage over Democratic candidates. Even Robert Mueller warned of Russian interference in his recent testimony before the House Judiciary Committee. The Russians hacked elections in all fifty states in 2016. Furthermore, Moscow Mitch knew about it and still did nothing to stop it in 2016 and he will continue to nothing about it because Moscow Mitch places the Republican party above country.

Moscow Mitch also has dubious ties to Russia in that Kentucky has gotten some pretty sweet deals from Russian oligarchs. Yes, Moscow Mitch has sold out his country for fun and profit and yet he has the audacity to accuse Democrats and media outlets of ‘modern day McCarthyism’. How is this dipshit still getting elected despite an approval rating in the thirties in his home state of Kentucky? Maybe its because voting machine companies donate heavily to his coffers. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen; Corporate America has fixed it so Moscow Mitch gets elected time and time again because . . . you know. . . corporations are people, too. Thanks Supreme Court!

So, poor wittle Turtle Boy better get used to being called Moscow Mitch because he will be called Moscow Mitch up until he loses his seat next November. But fear not; after he loses, at least Moscow Mitch can move to Russia to stay with Vladimir Putin and his Russian oligarch pals.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a.k.a ‘Turtle Boy’, whines about his new nickname 'Moscow Mitch' while his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin suggests a more appropriate moniker.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a.k.a ‘Turtle Boy’, whines about his new nickname ‘Moscow Mitch’ while his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin suggests a more appropriate moniker.

The Swamp Keeper

One of Donald Trump’s biggest promises during the 2016 election was that he would drain the swamp. The fact of the matter is that he hasn’t drained the swamp at all but, to the contrary, has restocked it with industry insiders, lobbyists and Wall Street plutocrats who have every intention of bringing down the government while filling up their own coffers. One of these swamp creatures is Wilbur Ross, who we’ve commented on before on his willing ignorance of Saudi customs and the plight of the modern day middle class.

Well, it turns out that Wilbuuuuurrr is being held in contempt of court, along with Attorney General Bill Barr, for his role in trying to get an illegal citizenship question on the census. America’s CEO/Dictator and petulant man child, Donald Trump, has been none too happy with this filthy rich plutocrat and rumors are swirling that Ross’s days in the cabinet may be through.

But fear not Wilbuuuuurrr fans. We’ve noticed that this filthy rich plutocrat bear a striking resemblance to the Cryptkeeper from the classic anthology series Tales from the Crypt. We have no doubt that if Hollywood decides to reboot this series, Ross would be a natural. He’s already shown adeptness at keeping the swamp in Washington D.C.; we’re sure he’ll be able to entertain all the boils and ghouls with his rapid fire wit and ghastly puns.

Commerce Secretary, plutocrat and swamp creature, Wilbur Ross, bears a striking resemblance to the Cryptkeeper and has even developed his own punny quips to nauseate all the boils and ghouls.
Commerce Secretary, plutocrat and swamp creature, Wilbur Ross, bears a striking resemblance to the Cryptkeeper and has even developed his own punny quips to nauseate all the boils and ghouls.

The Battle of Yorktown Airport

One of the most amusing things that’s happened since we’ve been on break is the Independence Day celebration in Washington D.C. with special guest ‘speaker’, America’s CEO/Dictator and petulant man child, Donald Trump. To his credit, the speech wasn’t partisan and the expected military parade complete with tanks rolling down the parade route didn’t materialize. But Trump’s speech was pure. . .Trumpian.

In it, he rambled on about the Revolutionary War and managed to mangle the history of this country beyond recognition, juxtaposing events of the War of 1812 with the Battle of Yorktown from the Revolutionary War and inexplicably linking both with the taking of airports. Watch a video of this mess. Of course, Trump blamed it all on his teleprompter.

The nightmarish thing about this travesty is that Donald Trump is still President of the United States. Yes folks; the embarrassment continues unabated thanks to our feckless members of congress who refuse to remove this clown from office.

In the meantime, let’s revel in Trump’s alternative facts history, when George Washington and his band of patriots bravely saved a Starbucks at Terminal 2 of Yorktown Airport from certain destruction and celebrated with victory caffè lattes for all.

America's CEO/Dictator Donald Trump recently regaled the masses with the story of the Battle of Yorktown Airport when George Washington and his band of patriots bravely saved a Starbucks at Terminal 2 from certain destruction and celebrated with victory caffè lattes for all.
America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump recently regaled the masses with the story of the Battle of Yorktown Airport when George Washington and his band of patriots bravely saved a Starbucks at Terminal 2 from certain destruction and celebrated with victory caffè lattes for all.

London Bawling

America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump just returned from a trip across the pond and to hear our man-baby-in-chief talk about it, it was a smashing success. Of course, the truth is somewhat different. As usual, Trump made many gaffes and ridiculous claims. He even had time to trash Bette Midler on Twitter, the platform of twits. The orange haired megalomaniac looked like Al Bundy in his tuxedo at a formal dinner. But probably the most egregious is the utter delusion he had of his own popularity. There were thousands who came out and protested Trump, complete with the Trump baby balloon, which accurately depicts our petulant toddler in all his diapered glory. But Trump said that they weren’t protesters; they were ‘fake news’.

We also have no doubt that with Trump’s colossal ego, he somehow thought D-day meant Donald’s Day and that everyone in the world was there to celebrate all the glory and wonder that is Donald Trump. As we’ve noted before, to think that in the span of fifty years, the Republican party has gone from a true hero in Dwight D. Eisenhower, to a world leader pretend like Donald Trump is nauseating, excruciating and revolting.

America's CEO/Dictator and petulant man-baby, Donald Trump, whines that the protesters that greeted him in London were actually fans there to celebrate D-Day, which of course means Donald's Day.
America’s CEO/Dictator and petulant man-baby, Donald Trump, whines that the protesters that greeted him in London were actually fans there to celebrate D-Day, which of course means Donald’s Day.

Mueller Passes Impeachment Buck To Dems

Finally, Robert Mueller broke his silence and made a statement concerning the report bearing his name investigating Russian interference and possible obstruction of justice by America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump. He really didn’t say much other than reiterate the main talking points of the report, which also refute what Attorney General and Republican fixer Bill Barr claimed: that the report exonerates Trump on all matters. First, he said that Russia clearly interfered with the 2016 elections and that all Americans should be concerned by this. Then, Mueller said that according to DOJ criteria, it was impossible for him to indict Trump (which we think is a crock of crap – it’s not a law; if he’s guilty, charge him – you’re an officer of the law). But he also couldn’t say Trump was innocent of crimes. As a matter of fact, he laid out ten cases in Volume II of his report where Trump indeed obstructed justice. In a nutshell, he’s not only passing the buck, he’s telling Congress that it’s up to them to pursue the matter further by impeaching the president.

Since Americans are a football obsessed country, let’s explain this in football-ese. Robert Mueller takes the kickoff and drives down the field of impeachment so that it’s first and goal at the five yard line. He hands the ball off to the Congressional House of Representatives, which is controlled by Democrats. So what do some Democrats want to do? They want to wait until the 2020 election a year and a half from now to let the people decide. So again, in football-ese, they’ve got a the ball on the five yard line, first and goal, and some Democrats. . . want to punt! We kind of understand why Dems are so reluctant. Even if they impeach him, the Republican Senate, led by feckless Turtle Boy Mitch McConnell, would no doubt acquit him along partisan lines. But it’s also a risk not to impeach, because Trumpty-Dumpty no doubt will accuse Democrats of being weak and proclaim that he’s truly innocent when he’s clearly not. It also opens up the 2020 election for another round of meddling by Russia. In short, he’s going to bully his way into getting away with it all.

We’ve got one thing to say to the Dems – do your jobs and impeach this insane, megalomaniac, petulant man child before he starts another trade war and some real wars in Venezuela, Iran and North Korea. Channel FDR and get tough with these bastards. Donald Trump is not only a danger to democracy and rule of law in this country but to democracy in every other country on this planet.

Despite former Special Counsel Robert Mueller handing the ball to them on the field of impeachment 1st and goal at the five yard line, some Democrats want to punt, thus again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and letting Republicans get away with their costly, authoritarian shenanigans.
Despite former Special Counsel Robert Mueller handing the ball to them on the field of impeachment 1st and goal at the five yard line, some Democrats want to punt, thus again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and letting Republicans get away with their costly, authoritarian shenanigans.

Stable Genius

As usual, America’s CEO/Dictator provided more aggravation for sane Americans during the past week. This time he abruptly left a meeting with Democrats over infrastructure because Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi mentioned before the meeting that Trump was trying to cover up things about the Mueller investigation by ducking congressional subpoenas. According to most accounts, Trump threw another hissy fit because he didn’t get his way and stormed out like the petulant man child he is.

This prompted our orange haired, megalomaniac liar-in-chief to hold a press CONference to proclaim for the umpty-ninth time what a stable genius he was. Then he bizarrely called many of his sycophants, like Kellyanne Conway and Sarah *uckabee Sanders, who lie almost as frequently as Trump, to recite how calm Trump was and that all the news of his bluster was all fake news. The only way Trump is a stable genius is if you’re referring to the way he shovels the horse shit to the masses. Then we’d say he is an expert without peer.

America's CEO/Dictator and stable genius, Donald Trump, proclaims to every one within earshot how masterful he is at shoveling **it to the masses.
America’s CEO/Dictator and stable genius, Donald Trump, proclaims to every one within earshot how masterful he is at shoveling **it to the masses.

Oreo Dreams

This past week an event took place that looked like it came from a Three Stooges movie involving Housing and Urban Development Secretary and snoozing aficionado, Ben Carson. During questioning at a recent congressional oversight hearing with the House Financial Services Committee, California Representative Katie Porter asked Carson about the rates for an REO(real estate owned) home, to which Carson replied like he was doing vaudeville schtick, “An Oreo?” Yeah, that’s right, Ben. It’s a hearing on housing and she’s asking you about cookies. You could tell from the smirk on his face he was having fun trolling Congress. He also did the same kind thing with Ohio Representative Joyce Beatty on the term OMWI (Office of Minority and Women Inclusion) in which Carson replied “Amway?” We’d expect this kind of “what? where?” foolishness from Vinnie Barbarino and the Sweathogs, not the head of HUD. Watch the videos in the link and see what a clown this man is.

This tomfoolery shows without a shadow of a doubt that he has no business being the secretary of housing. Of course, from what we’ve seen from Carson the last five years, we’re wondering how he ever became a neurosurgeon. We’re guessing he probably spends his time at HUD taking some naps and dreaming of those sweet, sweet Oreo cookies and a big glass of milk. mmmmm. . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

HUD Secretary and snoozing aficionado Ben Carson skillfully deflects questioning by congresswoman Katie Porter by proclaiming nap time so he can dream of those sweet, sweet Oreo cookies and a big glass of milk.
HUD Secretary and snoozing aficionado Ben Carson skillfully deflects questioning by congresswoman Katie Porter by proclaiming nap time so he can dream of those sweet, sweet Oreo cookies and a big glass of milk.

Ban Alabama

As if we didn’t know their viewpoint already, the right wing, conservative, christian Republicans have officially declared war on women. Twenty five Republican males in that hot bed of compassionate christianity, Alabama, have decided to make abortion illegal, even in cases of rape and incest, thus placing it directly in conflict with the 1973 decision of Roe v. Wade and almost guaranteeing a decision in the Supreme Court where ‘compassionate’ christians of all denominations are hoping über-Catholic Brett Kavanaugh will overturn the abortion law and relegate women officially to second class citizens who are nothing more than baby factories just like they were in the bible, two thousand years ago.

This isn’t the first time the right wing christian zealots have tried it and it won’t be the last. South Dakota tried it in 2006 (we even mocked up a re-issued state quarter for them). Other states like Ohio, Kentucky, Mississippi, Georgia and Missouri have also passed Draconian measures to give precedence to the potential life of a fetus over the life of the mother who is actually alive and breathing air in the current, real world. The fetus is a part of the woman’s body and a living woman should always have control over her own body.

We’ve got a suggestion to all sane logical humans who are sick of these so-called ‘right-to-life’ hypocrites who say life is sacred but turn their heads to gun violence which kills thousands every day. Ban these states (how convenient is it that the Alabama state flag is a big red X). Don’t travel to any of these states. Don’t buy merchandise from any store in these states. Women should leave these states in droves. Let these fine examples of compassionate christianity rot. Conservatives proclaimed that they voted for Trump because he was in your face supposedly ‘telling it like it is’. Well, we’re telling it like it is, too. It’s the 21st century, not the 1st century! It’s time to update your database connections you sanctimonious, knuckle dragging troglodytes! Personally, we’d rather have Puerto Rico as a state than Alabama.

Dear Alabama lawmakers: The rest of the United States would like to ban travel and trade to your state until you start living in the 21st century.
Dear Alabama lawmakers: The rest of the United States would like to ban travel and trade to your state until you start living in the 21st century.

Wagging The Rapture Dog

The news is out that the Democrats are pushing for Robert Mueller to testify before Congress and the Trump administration and Republicans are not happy about that. Mitch ‘Turtle Boy’ McConnell tried using Jedi mind tricks in the Senate by repeatedly uttering “Case closed….Case closed.” And of course, America’s CEO/Dictator and delusional man child, Donald Trump, continued his pathological prevaricating on Twitter and on his right wing echo chamber Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network. But there were some other disturbing developments on the international front that show that the Republicans might take an insane, catastrophic step in order to protect Trump from the fallout of Mueller testifying.

The United States has sent warships to the Gulf of Hormuz in response to ‘troubling’ actions by Iranians. National Security Advisor, war hawk and failed walrus impersonator John Bolton, has been beating the drums for war with Iran since the days of the Iraq War clusterf*ck, which Bolton still thinks was the right call. Now the delusional Bolton thinks starting another war in the Middle East would be another smashing idea and we’re sure the defense corporations are champing at the bit for a new avenue for profit. Therefore, Bolton and Trump are trying to create a Gulf of Tonkin incident so they can start a war with Iran.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo also seems to be supporting the idea of war with Iran but for a different reason. Pompeo is one of those looniest of loony evangelical christians called a rapturist. In the warped mind of these nutbags, the end times are a-coming which means that all good christians will be slurped up to heaven while the rest of us ‘heathens’ will be left to toil on Earth. One of the pre-cursors for the end times, according to ‘biblical scripture’, is that Jerusalem is recognized as the capital of Israel, which Donald Trump did last year. Now, according to the end times mythology, a great war will occur and Jesus Christ will come again which will facilitate the ‘rapture’. Many prominent Republicans are rapturists including Pompeo, VP Puritan Mike Pence, former Teabagger darling Sarah ‘Ubetcha’ Palin, former Attorney Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, housing secretary Ben ‘Mr. Sandman’ Carson and energy secretary and brain fart expert Rick Perry. So, with a normal, logical, reasonable Secretary of State, war is usually and wisely avoided. But with this evangelical loon, conditions are being forced that would result in a catastrophic conflict in the Middle East. This would mean that biblical prophecy would be ‘proven’ correct and all the ‘good people’ (christians) will get their just desserts in heaven and all the bad people (the rest of us) will suffer in lakes of fire here on Earth.

Of course, these wack jobs fail to consider that the people who wrote the bible lived two thousand years ago and didn’t know jack about the Earth or the universe. We’ve mentioned before that religious people connect to a tiny bronze age database while scientific people connect to a colossal, 21st century database chock full of knowledge. We’ve gained so much knowledge about everything in the last four hundred years. To ignore science, scientific inquiry and scientific methods is sheer lunacy and any person advocating radical ideology based on two thousand year old babble shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the corridors of power in this country. We guarantee to all those rapture loonies that unless you’re vaporized by a nuclear blast you’ll still be here left to toil on the Earth with the rest of us.

To distract from the possible testifying of Robet Mueller before Congress, American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump has decided to 'wag the dog' with multiple wars much to the delight of National Security Advisor and war monger extraordinaire John Bolton and Secretary of State and Rapture aficionado Mike Pompeo.
To distract from the possible testifying of Robet Mueller before Congress, American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump has decided to ‘wag the dog’ with multiple wars much to the delight of National Security Advisor and war monger extraordinaire John Bolton and Secretary of State and Rapture aficionado Mike Pompeo.