Walker: Georgia Danger

Let’s face it, folks: the 2022 Republican candidates are bat shit insane. One of the biggest examples of this insanity is former football star Herschel Walker who is running for Senator in Georgia against Democrat Raphael Warnock. Walker has been making a lot of false claims (imagine that – just like his idol TFG). Some of his more egregious lies are: that he’s a police officer, a member of the FBI, valedictorian of his class and probably his most ridiculous – that TFG never claimed the 2020 election was stolen. Walker originally pulled out a prop honorary badge during a recent debate with Warnock and keeps doubling down on his lie insisting the badge is real.

Walker has a troubled history that includes a bout with mental illness and anger management issues. He has prevaricated on how many children he has. He even has claimed that he is pro-life even when he’s paid for a former girlfriend’s abortion and then offered to pay for a second with the same woman. So basically this man is a pathological liar which makes him a perfect candidate for today’s GOP.

Shockingly, the Georgia Senate race like all others featuring looney tunes MAGA Moron Republicans is tight. Warnock, who is a reverend for Pete’s sake, is clearly the best choice but Republicans, who are supposedly the party of moral superiority, are completely backing Walker. We’re pretty sure the FBI badge he has is probably a Federal Boob Inspector prop job which he probably uses to pick up all the women he gets.

Georgia Senate candidate and christian pillar of morality Herschel Walker whips out his FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) badge to try and impress another unsuspecting female.
Georgia Senate candidate and christian pillar of morality Herschel Walker whips out his FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) badge to try and impress another unsuspecting female.

D.C. Cherry Blossoms

Amazingly, it’s almost football season and most American men are looking to the soothing distraction of sports to take their mind off of how awful 2020 is. Seriously, 2020 sucks!!! It’s no surprise that the topic of the Washington Redskins offensive nickname has came up again and FedEx, the owner of the stadium the team plays in, has been insistent with Redskins ownership to change the name of the team to something less racist and obnoxious. The controversy has existed for many years and yet the owner of the team, Dan Snyder, refuses to change things, saying the name is part of the team’s heritage stating, “We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER—you can use caps.” Talk about being stubborn as a mule!

Since we’re talking about the gawdawful stupidity of collegiate and professional sports, it’s time for another edition of Helmet Hilarity. We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school and team mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So, in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of obscure collegiate teams (or future football teams) and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today we present a possible new contender for the Redskins. We did a BilgeBucket List several years ago about the re-branding theme; the top new names for the Washington Redskins. While the most logical new moniker would be Warriors, (you could keep the current color scheme and even the classic spear helmet), we’d like to see one of the names we suggested from our Bucket List get chosen. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the team name was changed to the D.C. Cherry Blossoms. We can just picture the pink helmet with a big cluster of cherry blossoms depicted on it, with pink, creme and cherry red uniforms. What manly man, testosterone crazed football fan in D.C. wouldn’t love it, amirite? Just imagine the excitement of the brand new Thanksgiving Day rivalry between the Cowboys and the Cherry Blossoms. Getting goosebumps yet? Or how about the ‘fierce mascot’ match-up between the Cardinals and the Cherry Blossoms? You could bring a picnic lunch and take a nap. ‘Cuz you know . . . there’s nothing more important in life for Americans than football and just like Family Guy needed Conway Twitty, Trump and the Republicans desperately need the distraction of professional and collegiate sports to obfuscate their gross incompetence and malfeasance to voters even if it means that the athletes could catch the coronavirus, which many baseball players have done already. But then again, sacrificing one’s health for the good of the economy is what living in Trumpland is all about. So, GO CHERRY BLOSSOMS!!!

The football helmet and jerseys of the renamed Redskins, now called the D.C. Cherry Blossoms, complete with pink, creme and cherry red color scheme which will surely please all the macho manly man football fans in the Washington D.C. area.
The football helmet and jerseys of the renamed Redskins, now called the D.C. Cherry Blossoms, complete with pink, creme and cherry red color scheme which will surely please all the macho manly man football fans in the Washington D.C. area.

Mueller Passes Impeachment Buck To Dems

Finally, Robert Mueller broke his silence and made a statement concerning the report bearing his name investigating Russian interference and possible obstruction of justice by America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump. He really didn’t say much other than reiterate the main talking points of the report, which also refute what Attorney General and Republican fixer Bill Barr claimed: that the report exonerates Trump on all matters. First, he said that Russia clearly interfered with the 2016 elections and that all Americans should be concerned by this. Then, Mueller said that according to DOJ criteria, it was impossible for him to indict Trump (which we think is a crock of crap – it’s not a law; if he’s guilty, charge him – you’re an officer of the law). But he also couldn’t say Trump was innocent of crimes. As a matter of fact, he laid out ten cases in Volume II of his report where Trump indeed obstructed justice. In a nutshell, he’s not only passing the buck, he’s telling Congress that it’s up to them to pursue the matter further by impeaching the president.

Since Americans are a football obsessed country, let’s explain this in football-ese. Robert Mueller takes the kickoff and drives down the field of impeachment so that it’s first and goal at the five yard line. He hands the ball off to the Congressional House of Representatives, which is controlled by Democrats. So what do some Democrats want to do? They want to wait until the 2020 election a year and a half from now to let the people decide. So again, in football-ese, they’ve got a the ball on the five yard line, first and goal, and some Democrats. . . want to punt! We kind of understand why Dems are so reluctant. Even if they impeach him, the Republican Senate, led by feckless Turtle Boy Mitch McConnell, would no doubt acquit him along partisan lines. But it’s also a risk not to impeach, because Trumpty-Dumpty no doubt will accuse Democrats of being weak and proclaim that he’s truly innocent when he’s clearly not. It also opens up the 2020 election for another round of meddling by Russia. In short, he’s going to bully his way into getting away with it all.

We’ve got one thing to say to the Dems – do your jobs and impeach this insane, megalomaniac, petulant man child before he starts another trade war and some real wars in Venezuela, Iran and North Korea. Channel FDR and get tough with these bastards. Donald Trump is not only a danger to democracy and rule of law in this country but to democracy in every other country on this planet.

Despite former Special Counsel Robert Mueller handing the ball to them on the field of impeachment 1st and goal at the five yard line, some Democrats want to punt, thus again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and letting Republicans get away with their costly, authoritarian shenanigans.
Despite former Special Counsel Robert Mueller handing the ball to them on the field of impeachment 1st and goal at the five yard line, some Democrats want to punt, thus again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and letting Republicans get away with their costly, authoritarian shenanigans.

Take A Knee America

We’re back from our longer than expected respite from TFS(Trump Fatigue Syndrome)…for how long, we don’t know. Under normal circumstances, with a normal President, not that much would have happened in a month. But America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump does more stupid things in a month than most people do in a lifetime. Add to that the incompetence, cowardice, corruption and greed of the Republicans in congress, the invisibility of the Democrats, and the normalization of the right wing by the corporate media and we just don’t have much hope left for this country. We just may fold up our tent and move to a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific, far away from the selfish, egotistical, greedy, ultra-materialistic, ultra-competitive assholes who now seem to proliferate and run this country.

We’ve got some posts readied for the hurricane responses, but first we’ll take a look at the ‘feud’ between Trump and the NFL over players taking a knee during the national anthem, which culminated with Vice President and modern day Puritan Mike Pence leaving the stadium during the Colts-49ers game because some of San Francisco’s players kneeled during the national anthem in protest of racial discrimination in America. Trump admitted that this was a planned stunt. Not only that, but the cheap political stunt was at the taxpayers’ expense. We don’t care much for the NFL or any professional sports for that matter. Both the owners and players make WAY too much money and have WAY too much influence on modern culture. But that being said, players have the right to kneel in protest because…THIS IS AMERICA. We have a thing here which separates us from other countries called freedom of speech. The players were kneeling as a way to draw awareness to racial discrimination which still plagues this country. Their protest in no way was to disrespect the flag or those who fought for it. But the poor ‘widdle’ rich guys in the NFL executive front offices and the poor ‘widdle’ rich guys in the Republican party see it as an affront to their authority, which in their puny, narrow minded, conservative mind set is absolute. I mean how dare any one with less money criticize the actions of the people in charge. Of course, they had quite a different opinion during the Obama era.

Well if Trump and Pence are so sensitive to people taking a knee, we wonder what would happen if all of America took a knee during the national anthem. Would they leave the country? Hey, it’s worth a try, folks. We have no doubt, Trump and Pence could crash with their pal Vlad in Russia.

Maybe if all Americans took a knee during the national anthem, easily offended American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his Puritan Vice President Mike Pence would leave the country and stay with their old buddy Vlad Putin in Russia.
Maybe if all Americans took a knee during the national anthem, easily offended American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his Puritan Vice President Mike Pence would leave the country and stay with their old buddy Vlad Putin in Russia.

The Fightin’ Ebolas

The college football bowl season is in full swing here in America. Yes, it seems like every poedunk town or city has a poedunk bowl game sponsored by a poedunk company. Do we really need the TaxSlayer Bowl in Jacksonville Florida or the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara California? Really? What’s more, losing teams are going to bowl games now. Congratulations on your awful 5-7 season; you still get to go to a bowl game! Talk about promoting mediocrity. Oh that’s right…we forgot. College football is a business now, not a sport. It’s all about the money. Gee, do we sound jaded?

Since we’re talking about the gawdawful stupidity of collegiate and professional sports, it’s time for another edition of Helmet Hilarity. We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of obscure collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today, we present the helmet of the Elmo Hopkins Medical School Fightin’ Ebolas. Everyone’s heard of Johns Hopkins University. Well, Elmo Hopkins was Johns’ less successful third cousin twice removed, who was a ‘doctor’ in the eastern Kentucky hills and founded a ‘medical school’ back in the early 1900s to promote his ‘health elixirs’. Back in 2000, the administrators decided to update their name and mascot to something scarier, more modern and more to do with medicine (or as they put it, ‘mediciniy sounding’). It had been the Elmo Hopkins Moonshiners with their mascot XXX, a big ceramic jug of ‘health elixir’. The powers that be decided against making a fearsome, deadly animal like a bear, lion or tiger their mascot. They also decided against intimidating, murderous humans like warriors, giants or raiders. They even said no to natural, lethal forces like hurricanes, cyclones and tornadoes. Instead they chose the smallest, deadliest creature around; the ebola virus. When you think about it, it’s a wonder why more colleges don’t feature more viruses, bacteria and germs on their helmet. The ebola virus is a good example. It’s so frightening, the Republicans used the threat of it coming to America to win the House and Senate in 2014. We know, we wouldn’t want to be facing a fightin’ ebola across the line of scrimmage.

The Fightin' Ebolas of Elmo Hopkins Medical School football helmet
The football helmet of the Elmo Hopkins Medical School Fightin’ Ebolas features Ebbie, the fun loving but mischievous ebola virus.

Super Fan Has The ‘Powah’

The Super Bowl is coming up this week, right here in Arizona. Just like there are people who think they can control events in other parts of the world with the ‘powah of prayer’, there are certain Super Fans who think they can actually influence events on a football field. We thought only Zeus, Odin, God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster could affect sporting contests. You live and learn. Here’s an article from our September 25, 2003 issue about a Super Fan with the ‘powah’.

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday’s Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

“I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday,” said the sixty year old Poston. “It was the first quarter and I was thinking, ‘Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin’ and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it’s touchdown Cardinals!”

“Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, ‘The Cardinals really need to stop him.’ And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!”

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston’s contributions. “Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev’s voice in my head saying, ‘throw the ball, throw the ball’. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up.”

Dexter Jackson concurred. “Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her voice in my head saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit.”

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo’s breakup.

The Capitalist Pigs

We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of little known collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today we present the helmet of the J. Prescott Worthington School of Financial Management Capitalist Pigs. This elite business college in the Gold Coast region of Lake Wannamoola, Connecticut really teaches their students the value of a buck and many graduates go on to successful careers bilking millions from unsuspecting rubes as brokers on Wall Street, politicians in Washington D.C and televangelists in the South.  The highlight at home games is when school mascot, Rich Uncle Oinkie, whose picture is prominently displayed on the teams helmet, roams the stadium in his chauffeured, custom designed, open top, Cadillac golf cart, lighting cigars with $100 dollar bills, sipping champagne, eating caviar and throwing cake out the window so some lucky peasants fans can scramble for the crumbs. The climax of the season is the game with their rival college across the lake, the Marx School of Liberal Arts Commie Bastards.

Speaking of capitalist pigs, be sure to check out the BilgeBucket store where you can purchase fine BilgeBucket gear just in time for Black Friday. BUY! BUY! BUY!

The football helmet of the J. Prescott Worthington School of Financial Management Capitalist Pigs features compassionate conservative school mascot, Rich Uncle Oinkie.

 

The Stoners

We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present our feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of little known collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.

Today we present the helmet of the Central San Francisco State Stoners. The unfortunate thing for opponents who actually have to look at them is that the Stoner’s uniforms are tie-dyed to match the helmets. Far out, man! At home games, school mascot, Doobie the Hippie, roams the stadium spreading ‘cheer’ to all the patrons. Of course, people who attend Stoner games aren’t too interested in the football. But for some reason, they spend a lot of time at the concession stand.

The football helmet of the Central San Francisco State Stoners features a cannabis leaf and colors...Oh man!....THE COLORS!!!

The Crimson Necks

Football season is in full swing here in America. Football is arguably America’s most popular sport and we’re certainly fans here at the Bucket. The NFL is gaining popularity not only in America, but officials are contemplating locating a franchise in London in the near future. College football has grown to more than just a sport; for some regions it’s a religion. Not only that, college football has became a huge business. Football rakes in the revenue for most colleges and universities. Some teams, like Arizona State, even have several different uniforms and helmets. It’s a far cry from the ’60s, when most teams just had simple one color shirt one color pants and one color helmets with maybe a stripe and a logo on the helmet.

We think the funniest thing about football and collegiate sports are some of the school mascots. For instance, the Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz or the Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College evoke a hilarious image, especially if you saw a big banana slug or an artichoke depicted on a football player’s helmet. So in this vein we present a new feature, Helmet Hilarity, featuring the helmets of little known collegiate teams and their unconventional, zany mascots.

You’ve no doubt heard of the Crimson Tide of Alabama, but have you heard of the Crimson Necks of South Central Alabama Tech?  And we thought the Washington Redskins team name was offensive. There’s nothing like the cackling face of the Crimson Neck mascot, Billy Ray Joe Jim Bob, to put fear into the opposing team.

The football helmet of the Crimson Necks of South Central Alabama Tech prominently features lovable school mascot, Billy Ray Joe Jim Bob.

Top New Names For The Washington Redskins

Native Americans have long taken offense with many professional sports teams with team names that reference their culture, sometimes in a derogatory manner. The biggest offenders who are usually mentioned are the Cleveland Indians(Chief Wahoo), Atlanta Braves(Chief Knock-a-homa) and the Washington Redskins. We think that the worst offender in this group is definitely the Redskins. The term Redskin is an offensive slur even to people of non-Native-American persuasion. Imagine calling a professional sports team in San Diego the Spics or a team from New York the Kikes or a team from Milwaukee the Honkies. It’s just not a good idea!  In basketball, the Washington Bullets changed their name to the Washington Wizards because they wanted to distance themselves from a reference to violence. Would it be so horrible for Washington to change the team name to something like the Warriors or some other name which appropriately reflects the city’s stature as the nation’s capital and political and military center? Well, the Bucket is here to help. Here’s a list of possible new team names for the Washington Redskins.

  • Washington Blowhards
  • Washington Kickbacks
  • Washington Intern Bangers
  • Washington SuperPACs
  • D.C. Cherry Blossoms (complete with pink, lavender and red uniforms)
  • D.C. Cabs
  • Washington Gasbags
  • Washington Lobbyists
  • Washington Generals (oops! Already taken!)
  • Washington Rear Admirals
  • Washington Snollygosters
  • Capital Critters
  • Capital Offenses
  • Washington Influence Peddlers
  • Washington Supremes
  • Washington Crooks