Next Stop: The Big Show

We’re pretty sick of current events, especially the election. So, for a little change of pace, here’s another golden oldie article from our archive.

This is from our May 9, 2004 issue.

Little League Coach Eyes Major Leagues

Coach Marv Dvorak said yesterday that he suspects that he may be getting a call soon from a Major League club because of his club’s performance the last two seasons in the Cactus Corners Little League. His team, the Cubs, comprised of 10-12 year olds, has taken first place in their division each of the last two years.

“There’s no question about it,” said Dvorak. “They’re interested. I’m pretty sure I saw some scouts from the D-backs and Padres in the stands. And why not? I’m the best damn coach in the league. I can see it now. There I am standing in the third base coaching box in Bank One Ballpark, waving in Luis Gonzalez with the winning run.” He paused, chewed on his stale stogie for a moment, scratched his groin and continued. “I’m a natural.”

Many of the kid’s parents have mixed feelings about the coach’s methods. “He is a little hard on the boys,” said Blanche Lewis. “I believe kids need to learn sportsmanship at this age, not bloodlust. I mean he wants my little Jerry to spike the other boys when he’s sliding into bases. He tells the pitchers to throw at the batters. And I don’t know where he got the idea that the Majors are interested in him. I mean those men he thought were scouts work over at the DMV. They were just wearing D-backs and Padres hats. But don’t try and tell him that. He’s convinced his next stop is the Major Leagues.”

Jake Paulsen said, “He works the boys way too hard. My Justin is an honor roll student. He doesn’t have time for three-hour workouts, four times a week. He’s eleven years old and he’s burnt out already. And on top of that, because Justin’s such a Poindexter, Dvorak hardly plays him. That really gets my dander up!”

Mike Appleton agreed, “That guy needs to lighten up. When he’s hitting fielding practice, you should see some of the bullets he’s hitting. And if the boys don’t field it cleanly, he hits it harder to them the next time. If my kid wasn’t the starting second baseman, I might say something.”

The players seem to take Dvorak’s coaching in stride. Starting catcher, Tyler Green, said, “Sure he’s tough on us, but it’s tough love. Like last week when he called me a fat-ass tub of goo who couldn’t catch a cold, I knew he meant that in a good way.”

Dvorak dismissed any criticism. “There are some parents who call my coaching style extreme,” said Dvorak. “All I have to say to them is go screw yourselves you panty waists! My teams are winners.” Dvorak then stopped and barked a command out to one of his players who just got beaned in the face by a fastball. “Jackson! Quit loafing around! Stop your bleeding and get up off the ground, you wimp!”

My Dinner With Scrooge

In the lull before the impending storm of the Republican National Convention,  here’s another golden oldie article from our archive…

This article is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Employee Finds Dinner With Boss Disappointing

Terry McCoy, an employee at DensonCorp, recently was invited to dinner by his boss, Byron Hart. However, McCoy was extremely disappointed when he found out that instead of being treated to a fancy dinner at a restaurant, he was served a homemade meal at Hart’s house.

“I’m completely bummed,” lamented McCoy. “I mean when the boss invites you out to dinner, you have visions of steaks, lobsters and fine wine, dancing in your head. Instead Byron invited me over to his partially furnished condo. He popped a couple of Budget Gourmet Pepper Steak dinners in the microwave and we had some Coors Light while we sat on crates in his living room watching a DVD of the first season of Saved by the Bell on his little twelve inch TV. After I choked down the pepper steak and rice, he breaks out a gallon of vanilla ice cream and we watch Deuce Bigalow. I just thought my employers would be a little more appreciative of my efforts.”

Co-worker Steve Kennedy commented on McCoy’s dinner. “Terry’s lucky, man. To show his gratitude for my work on the Henderson account, Hart took me out for lunch and bought me a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Oh, I almost forgot. He did buy me a Hamburglar action figure, which I display proudly on my desk to remind myself of what a cheap ass company this is.”

Hart defended the dinner. “Listen, I’m just a little fiscally conservative that’s all. I didn’t get to where I am today by spending money on extravagant things like furniture, television or food. Terry’s is a very lucky person to have gotten what he got. I just don’t break out the Deuce Bigalow DVD for just anyone, you know.”

When Hart’s supervising boss, Burt Worley, heard about the dinner, he expressed complete astonishment. “Pepper steak?! Come on! I serve my guests chili-macaroni! That Hart is never going to make it into the upper echelon of DensonCorp by spending so much on…employees. How often do I have say it people; the money goes to the executives… not the grunts. That’s the American way!”

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Once again we’re sick of current events so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

What happens when parents can’t control their delightful little urchins in a public restaurant and the wee ones run amok? Fun times, that’s what!

This article is from our July 25, 2006 issue.

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Most of the patrons at the Bucky’s Burgers at Cactus Corners’ Blue Cactus Shopping Center were absolutely delighted by the antics of Layla Cooper’s six rowdy and rambunctious children last Monday evening. Cooper and her urchins invaded the fast food chain at around 6:00pm and stayed for a full hour charming the customers.

Cashier Danica Drew said, “When Layla came in with her children, the place just livened up immediately. Those kids were running around the dining room, yelling, pushing and punching each other, pulling each other’s hair. They weren’t shy either. They’d run right up to people and scream at ‘em. It was so fun watching those little scamps. Then once their food was ordered, they had a good old fashioned food fight right there in the dining room. They threw everything; fries, hamburgers, drinks. We’re still trying to get those shake and root beer stains out of the carpet. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do right?”

“I’m telling you,” commented senior citizen Gert Metzger. “Those little whippersnappers were delightful. Take that little brown haired boy with the runny nose. I was eating my burger when he comes up and yells in my ear. My hearing aid started whining and I dropped my burger on the floor. Then the little dickens used my shirt sleeve as his Kleenex and wiped his nose all over it. That ragamuffin sure got me good. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?”

Mechanic Al Stanley said, “Well I was sitting on the toilet, reading the latest issue of Cosmo, when all of a sudden I hear all these footsteps. It sounded like a herd of buffalo. Then one of those delightful little sprites kicked open the door and much to my delight all six kids were standing there watching me take a dump and laughing. Then they left the stall door open and went screaming out of the rest room leaving the rest room door wide open to boot. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?… I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…those goddamned little %$^%&#@*((*&&*!*(**@&$.”

Cooper said that she has tried to discipline her kids, but she claims it doesn’t work. “I’ve tried to make ‘em mind, but they just got minds of their own,” said Cooper as she took a drag off her cigarette. “And each of the kid’s fathers ain’t around anymore. Why my last boyfriend ain’t even seen little Chance. That’s him over there, tipping over the trash can. He’s strong for a two year old ain’t he? My current boyfriend and I are trying to have another kid. He’s got a good job, too. He’s a stock boy over at Juggermart. He’s really good to the kids, too, although I’ve seen him letting A.J. have some of his beer. A.J.’s only nine, you know. Angela! Put mama’s cigarettes down honey pie. You’re not supposed to smoke until high school. Besides, everybody just loves my kids. They’re not bad. They’re just spirited and energetic. Yeah, that’s it; spirited and energetic.” She paused and took the cigarette lighter away from Angela. “Besides, we like it here at Bucky’s. We’ll probably come back here next Monday.”

Cashier Drew, upon hearing of Cooper’s upcoming visit, immediately requested the following Monday off.

The Powah of TV

We’re sick of current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

There is enormous power in television and visual media. All it takes is one appearance on tv or visual media, whether it’s a commercial, local news or even Youtube, and a normal everyday human being becomes a star; a person somehow better than everyone else just because he or she appeared in front of a camera at the right time and place. Yes – we humans are a strange bunch aren’t we.

This article is from our March 13, 2005 issue.

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggly brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “Like I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”

A Little Too Retro

We’re still fed up with current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

Nostalgia never goes out of style. People become middle aged and fondly remember their younger years when things weren’t so complex. People now are nostalgic about the 90s, if you can believe that; that golden era when Bill Clinton fooled around with anything in a skirt, the Macarena was actually a thing and watching Frasier on TV was still enjoyable. But sometimes people take going retro a little too far.

This article is from our August 15, 2004 issue.

Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro

Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the ’70s: the 1870s that is.

Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed mustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.

“What’s with that dude?” asked Candy Bergman. “He shows up to all our parties dressed like he’s Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like ‘Good evening, my lady!’ I don’t what he’s thinking but that gentleman crap doesn’t work with the women of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either ‘ho’ or bitch. That works for me anyway.”

Resident Mike Fernald said, “That guy’s got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it’s 110 degrees outside and he’s wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro’s cool if you’re, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man.”

Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. “That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody’s wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can’t dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you.” Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.

Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. “I must say that I’m truly vexed by their attitude. I’m only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan’t lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I’m late for my evening constitutional.”

Parental Delusions

We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes…

Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth control.

Here’s an article from our May 31, 2006 issue.

Local Couple Has Best Baby Ever

Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.

“There is no question about it,” said Austin smugly. “Our baby is superior in every way. He’s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he’s only six months old. He’s performing at a nine month old level. I’m telling you he’s a genius.”

Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. “Oh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He’ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be…dare I say…an American Idol.”

Austin’s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise’s baby or that ‘Brangelina’ baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.”

However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner’s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, “Oh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He’s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I’d say he’s going to do 5 to 10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He’s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there’s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That’s why I’m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she’s the best baby in the world.”

Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters’ claim. “There is no way Rhonda’s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I’m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we’ll all see who’s the most perfect baby in the whole world!”

Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, “Okay! You think your baby is better than mine, we’ll see about that. I’m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!”

When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.

Must…Worship….Celebrities!

And now for something completely different…

Remember when there was a dearth of celebrity worship shows? Neither do we. Here’s an article from our January 4, 2004 issue.

American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven’t been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin’ with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!”

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, “I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don’t have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don’t know what she’s doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end.”

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, “I’m all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I’d probably kill myself.”

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, “Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they’re the most intelligent people on the planet. They’re so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that’s all I need to know.”

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. “This is sooooooo fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! OMG! Marilu Henner is cutting her toenails!”

Guns, Guns, Guns

In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?

Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”

NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”

Imperial Force

More retrospective articles from those dark days of debacle called the Bush administration… This article is from our April 11, 2004 issue. The Iraq War had begun to look like a quagmire, but Dubya was staunchly defended his new tenet of American imperialism, the Bush Doctrine. Now, if you look at United States history, American has had imperialistic tendencies ever since the Spanish American War and under both Republican and Democratic administrations. But the Bush Doctrine, which essentially states the U.S. can pre-emptively invade a country if it thinks that country poses a threat, opened up a humongous can of worms, and all possible kinds of unpleasant possibilities of abuse of power and violation of civil liberties. By the way, in case you didn’t know, WMD’s were never found.

Local Man Invokes Bush Doctrine To Invade Neighbors Garage

Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it’s okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.

Dillman defended his actions. “Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn’t know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn’t know. But I’ve had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he’s got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of…them.”

Dillman continued. “So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn’t find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That’s audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen.”

Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. “First of all, I’m part Italian, part Hungarian, so I’m sorry I’m a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I’m a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That ‘box’ was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I’m missing my Rob Zombie CDs.”

The police say their hands are tied. “We’d really like to help,” said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. “But we’re talking the Bush Doctrine. If it’s good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They’re so 80’s.”

Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, “I don’t think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I’ve heard just about enough of Motörhead. That’s definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I’m concerned.”

Mildred Dressler said, “I appreciate that I don’t have to put up with any more Ratt while I’m watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony’s garage.”

Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. “Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!”

Mormon Chants

It was a beautiful afternoon the other day here in Cactus Corners, Arizona. The temperature had dropped into the low 100’s, so our gruff but lovable senior citizen staffer, Chester Einstein, went for a late afternoon constitutional through one of the many Cactus Corners subdivisions.  He was having a fine time: enjoying the blue skies, green trees, chirping birds, barking dogs, rock landscaped yards, slithering snakes and blossoming cacti. Then suddenly he was accosted…by two pimply faced, bicycle riding, Mormon missionaries. Yes, these well groomed youngsters rode next to and harassed Chester about where he lived, how long he has lived there, did he want to go to heaven or hell and whether he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior for several blocks. Finally, Chester pulled the old “Look! It’s Jesus!” ploy and when the boys excitedly turned to look, Chester ducked behind a hedge and ran like hell. Needless to say, his carefree outing was ruined, but he did get some good exercise.

This reminded us of an article in our August 1, 2004 issue. Just a reminder folks: in the land of Mormons, conversion is a year round process. So even in 100 plus degree heat, stay vigilant and when you see them coming, start running.

Local Mormon Lads Sweating Their Asses Off

Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.

“I must admit it’s been a bit challenging lately,” commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. “I mean shit… ooops, damn. I didn’t mean to say that…we’re sweating our asses off here…, Fuck I did it again. Hell, I’m cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried.”

“I don’t think this is very fair,” said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. “It’s so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we’ve got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don’t want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt.”

It’s a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It’s also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren’t accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, “It’s important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn’t complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don’t start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that’s hot!”

“I don’t see how we’re going to convert people, when we’re all hot, sweaty and smelly,” said Brennan wearily. “You should see people’s reaction when they see us coming. It’s like we’ve got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I’m really starting to get a complex.”

“Catholics don’t have to do this crap,” snarled Neal. “Hunt wants more conversions, I’ll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I’ll probably go to hell now! But I don’t fear hell; I’ve been to Cactus Corners, Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.