Archive for December 30, 2017

Simplify, Simplify: The Fisherman Story

Given the unprecedented mounds of crap heaped upon us from America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, this year, we wanted to end this most craptacular of years on a positive note.

We’re presenting here The Fisherman Story. Various versions of it have made the rounds on the Internet for the last twenty years. It’s a simple story with a powerful message that forces each and every greedy, materialistic, ultra-competitive, consumer addicted American to reevaluate one’s life and take inventory about what’s really important. Like Henry David Thoreau stated back in the 1840s: we need to simplify, simplify. Also feel free to buy a Simplify, Simplify t-shirt, sticker or mug to support this site.

The Fisherman Story
Author Unknown

A small fishing boat docked in a tiny, picturesque Mexican village.

A passing American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his simple needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with all your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, help my wife around the house, play with my children and teach them things, and take a siesta in the afternoon. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing some songs…I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!”

“You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.”

“Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.”

“You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the fisherman.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well, that’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stock and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that — and this is the best part — you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings singing, drinking and enjoying your friends!”

Rockin’ Around The Festivus Pole

We’d like to wish everyone a Happy Festivus!

And to Trump supporters and the Republicans who just passed a massive tax cut for the plutocrats of this nation…we think you know where you can stick the Festivus pole.

Happy Festivus aluminum pole

Ajit Pai = A Shit Pie

The assholes keep coming out of the woodwork in the Trump administration. The latest jerk is none other than FCC chairman former Verizon lawyer, Ajit Pai,(or as we’re crudely calling him from now on, Ashit Pie, who this week brought an end to net neutrality and quite possibly will change how the Internet works in the future. Pie and his stupid, big ass coffee mug (because bigger is always better, folks), commented in the snarkiest way possible that the end of net neutrality will provide us with more freedom, which is corporate talk for even more profits for mega-rich telecom giants like Verizon, Comcast and AT&T and less bang for the buck for the average consumer and complete devastation for small businesses. He even produced a repulsive YouTube video (which we’re not going to provide a link to: FU Ashit Pie!) promoting all the things you can still do on the Internet, like gramming their food. Mark Hamill even slammed Ashit Pie for wielding a light saber in the video because a Jedi ‘would never enrich giant corporations’.

The surprising thing here is that the vast majority (83%) of the American public, covering the whole political spectrum( 75% of Republicans, 86% of Independents and 89% of Democrats), are in favor of keeping net neutrality regulations. You would think that most politicians on both sides of the aisle would be pushing to reinstate the laws. This opens the door for broadband providers to possibly throttle content based on politics, thus jeopardizing freedom of speech. It says in the Constitution that the general welfare of the United States citizenry should be promoted, not the coffers of a few already wealthy individuals. The Obama administration was right when it viewed the Internet as a public utility. In the 21st century, it is a basic part of every American’s life. Everyone should have access and all traffic should be treated equally just like electricity or water for our homes or phone calls. But thanks to corporate lackey Republicans, the American public is getting screwed once again.

No matter what happens, Ashit Pie is now one of the most hated persons in America behind pharma bro Martin Shkreli and just about everyone else in the Trump administration like Scott Pruitt, Mike Pence, Rex Tillerson, Stephen Miller, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Wilbur Ross, Steve Mnuchin, Jared Kushner…sweet freaking Zeus, the list goes on and on and the swamp just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger… One thing’s for sure: Ashit Pie is one massive DICKHEAD! 

FCC chairman, big mug aficionado and colossal DICKHEAD, Ajit Pai, a.k.a. A Shit Pie, explains to a consumer peon how awesome freedom from regulation will be much to the delight of a nearby plutocrat telecom stockholder.

FCC chairman, big mug aficionado and colossal DICKHEAD, Ajit Pai, a.k.a. Ashit Pie, explains to a consumer peon how awesome freedom from regulation will be much to the delight of a nearby plutocrat telecom stockholder.

Arpaio?! Seriously?!

In a stunner that we certainly didn’t see coming, Doug Jones beat bible thumper and teenage girl aficionado, Roy Moore, in a special election and will now be the first Democratic Senator for Alabama in 25 years. This will also hopefully put Moore out of the national spotlight(we’re absolutely sick of him), although he’s still got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do to the women he’s harassed.

So are what are racist, authoritarian, conservative, christian Republicans to do? Have no fear, wingnuts. Fresh from his pardoning by Donald Trump, former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced that “he’s seriously, seriously, seriously considering running for the U.S. Senate” in Arizona. Seriously…that’s right, folks: America’s favorite racist, authoritarian law enforcer says he may run for Jeff Flake’s vacant seat in 2018.

We thought the 85 year old Arpaio was losing it before, but this pretty much makes it official. He got thumped by Paul Penzone for a county level position, and yet he thinks he can seriously win a state wide election given his notoriety. If it wasn’t for his pal Trump, he’d be doing some time. Arizonans are sick of his schtick. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. Retire already! Ride off into the sunset like a good former sheriff and leave the good people of Arizona alone. Because you know what…we’re seriously, seriously, seriously NOT voting for you!

Authoritarian, colossal egoist and former Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, announces that he's seriously, seriously, seriously considering a run for the Senate, to which Arizona voters reply that they will seriously, seriously, seriously not vote for him.

Authoritarian, colossal egoist and former Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, announces that he’s seriously, seriously, seriously considering a run for the Senate, to which Arizona voters reply that they will seriously, seriously, seriously not vote for him.

GOP: The Party Of Moral Hypocrisy

With the special election for the Alabama senator coming up next Tuesday, the Republicans are walking back their earlier condemnations of Roy Moore and are now throwing their full support behind him. America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, said “We don’t want to have a liberal Democrat in Alabama, believe me.” Oh yes…we’d much rather have a sexual predator.  Mitch McConnell, a.k.a. Turtle Boy, who previously condemned Moore, now states, in typical Turtle Boy form, that he’s going to let Alabamans make the choice. And of course, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, who previously withdrawn support for Moore, has now said he’ll work with Moore if he’s elected while hypocritically saying that Al Franken, who has also allegedly done some groping of women, (though not teenagers), should resign as Senator. Alabama conservative, evangelical, christian Republicans are also fully supportive of Moore, one church even comparing Moore to Jesus. Who knew that Jesus liked to sexually harass teenage girls.

But unfortunately, Alabama is a deep red state and it certainly looks like Moore will probably win. And people wonder why no one wants to visit Alabama.

American CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump and his GOP cohorts, Turtle Boy Mitch McConnell and Lyin' Ted Cruz endorse teenage girl aficionado, Roy Moore, while claiming moral superiority.

American CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump and his morally superior GOP cohorts, Turtle Boy Mitch McConnell and Lyin’ Ted Cruz enthusiastically endorse teenage girl aficionado, Roy Moore, while condemning Democratic Senator Al Franken.

Making Those Poor Plutocrats Richer

As expected, the Republican corporate lackeys passed their ugly tax bill early Saturday morning by a 51-49 vote much to the delight of their plutocrat benefactors. This tax cut plan, which benefits mostly the 1%ers, including America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, is being negatively received by mostly everyone. It also cuts the corporate tax rate from thirty-five percent to a mere twenty percent. But despite all the crowing by Republican corporate lackeys, the bill doesn’t stand up to scrutiny, which is one reason why they’re trying to jam it through. But the GOP had to also act quickly on the tax cut bill because Trump may not be available for much longer with Michael Flynn pleading guilty of lying to the FBI on Friday, and Trump tweeting that he knew Flynn lied which means he admits to obstruction of justice. Hence, another reason for rushing even though it was mostly unreadable (see Montana Senator Jon Tester’s video noting the shoddiness of the rewrites).

What’s astonishing is that there are people, a.k.a Trump supporters, a.k.a. rubes, who still believe the myth of trickle down economics. When the rich get money, they don’t let it leave their greedy little hands. They’re not going to invest it; they keep it or spend it on their favorite people; themselves. To illustrate this point, Iowa senator Chuck Grassley stated “I think not having the estate tax recognizes the people that are investing, as opposed to those that are just spending every darn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” Yeah, what about buying food, clothing, health care and the necessities of life, which are becoming more expensive thanks to the out of control greedy assholes like Grassley and his fellow Republicans in this country. We like the Young Turks commentary on this colossal jackass. But this is indicative of how all Republicans think of the middle class and poor. If we were Iowans who were among the 99%, we’d start a torch and pitchfork parade to Grassley’s farm for some up close and personal explanations and to possibly explain to Mr. Grassley how compassion for your fellow human beings actually works.

Some clueless Trump supporters, a.k.a. rubes, still believe that the plutocrats who own the Republican Party and will benefit the most from Trump's tax cuts, are actually going to let money trickle down to them.

Some clueless Trump supporters, a.k.a. rubes, still believe that the plutocrats who own the Republican Party and will benefit the most from Trump’s tax cuts, are actually going to let money trickle down to them.