Tag Archive for Dubya

Rewind: Journalism’s Clown Prince

One unfortunate consequence of Donald Trump becoming CEO/Dictator of America, is that the conservative ‘journalists’ are scurrying out from the sewer drains to fill up slots in the corporate news media in the Republican’s divide and conquer strategy of establishing dominance in all aspects of the media spectrum. So who does Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network call on to take Megyn Kelly’s slot (she’s spreading conservative ideology over at NBC now)? Why none other than that former bow tie wearing, smart ass, frat boy, Tucker Carlson.

We thought that Carlson was going to be banished to the Daily Caller hinterlands thanks to the Obama administration. But noooooooo. He’s been drinking the Trump kool-aid and lo and behold, he’s suddenly back at Fox News as the chief ball tickler for Donald Trump. When they need a ‘tough looking’ interview that’s really just a firm kiss to Trump’s ass, they call on journalism’s clown prince. Jack Shafer has a decent analysis of this so called journalist and how to make sure he fails again. And who can forget Jon Stewart’s epic slam of Carlson on Crossfire back in 2004.

This photo-toon is from our May 16, 2006 issue.

Conservative talk show host and clown prince of journalism, Tucker Carlson, ditched his nerdy looking bow tie and started wearing attire that more closely reflects his journalistic skills.

Conservative talk show host, Tucker Carlson, ditched his nerdy looking bow tie and started wearing attire that more closely reflects his journalistic skills.

Pence’s Inspiration

We’ve commented before about Vice President and modern day Puritan Mike Pence’s admiration for former Bush administration VP Dick Cheney.  Yes, Pence wants to be just like the lying, disingenuous architect of the clusterf*ck called the Iraq War in every phase including garnering an inspirational 13 percent approval rating. Way to aim high, Puritan Pence! We have no doubt that with his 17th century mindset, he’ll achieve his goal.

Vice President elect and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, vows to achieve the same lofty 13% approval ratings as his idol, Bush administration Vice President Dick Cheney.

Vice President elect and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, vows to achieve the same lofty 13% approval ratings as his idol, Bush administration Vice President Dick Cheney.

Rewind: America Chooses Insanity…Again

We’re shocked and in mourning for a sane, intelligent America. Words escape us at the moment so we’re reprinting an article from when America chose a similar path of insanity back in 2004 and re-elected George W. Bush. Yeah…that turned out well didn’t it. One things for sure; conservative Republicans never learn.

This article is from our November 7, 2004 post-election issue.

America Speaks: “51% Of Us Are Fucking Idiots!”

America went to the polls last week and re-elected George W. Bush as president even though he’s started a costly war on false premises with no exit strategy, plunged the nation into tumultuous debt, rolled back numerous environmental regulations in favor of industry, presided over an economy that has lost almost a million jobs, underfunded the ‘No Children Left Behind’ program, misled the nation about the cost of his healthcare bill which does nothing to alleviate high costs and performed anemically in all three televised debates.

Bush supporters spoke out and explained why they voted for him. Dale Gilman of Empty Noggin, Georgia, said, “I voted for him because he’s the one I’d rather drink a beer with. That’s my only criteria for president. I’ll have to invite him over to my trailer for a beer one of these days. It’s not quite the country club he’s used to, but I think my gun collection adds a certain redneck ambiance.”

Betsy Moeller, of Cornshoot, Ohio, said, “I was undecided until the very end, but what made me vote for the President was that he’s just so moral. Even when he lies to us repeatedly, he’s just so moral.”

Kirby Tucker, of Cracked Nut, North Carolina, said, “All I knows is I don’t want no wolves to catch me and eats me.”

Durwood Dunndoody, of Oozing Bed Sore, Texas said, “The big issue of this campaign was gay marriage. No doubt about it. Thank God, the President is going to make a stand agin’ those hell bound fruitcakes. They’re worst than the terrorists you know.”

Dwight Stevenson, of Ostrich Neck, Oklahoma, said, “I know the president has made some mistakes, but he’s a known quantity. I’m comfortable with his ineptitude.”

Rev. Fred Campbell, pastor of the Fifth Evangelical Church of the Backwoods in Dunceville, Tennessee, said, “Praise be to God! The rapture is so close I can smell it!”

Dave and Karen Lydell, of Dullardton, Iowa, said, “We believe in secretive Orwellian government. We completely trust President Bush to do what’s right, because it’s really none of our business to know or question what they’re doing. We don’t mind if our government monitors our every movement. It’s a small price to pay for freedom.”

Kerry supporters expressed extreme shock and disappointment. Mark Barry, of Tempe, Arizona, said while banging his head with a frying pan, “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!”

Donna Beacham, of Salem, Oregon, said while booking a flight to Vancouver, Canada, “The choice was so obvious. It’s like we’re speeding for the edge of a cliff in a gas guzzling hummer, and the passengers vote to drive off. Un-fucking-believable!”

College student, Craig Kaster, of Santa Bonita, California, said, “I’m so voting for that Kerry dude. What? The elections were last week. Oh man! I like so spaced that off.”

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, said. “This is great! Al-Qaeda will get stronger, America will go bankrupt and I’ll get to live four more years. That chimp Bush is playing right into my hands. Allah Akbar!”

Rewind: The Bush Putin Bromance

As we’ve noted before, GOP nominee Donald Trump and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have struck up quite the bromance lately. But it’s not Putin’s first bromance with a Republican President. George W. Bush and Putin developed quite a chummy relationship back during Dubya’s disastrous presidency. Bush even famously said, “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.”  Wow! Get a room will ya.

As a matter of fact, Trump and his VP nominee, Mike Pence, have stated that they think Putin is a stronger leader than Obama. And why wouldn’t Republicans not like the authoritarian dictator (we know he’s technically president, but come on!). Putin strong arms and bullies everyone and stifles dissent, just like Republicans. Gee, no wonder he has a high approval rating. If you disagree, you die. This is what the Republicans have been after since…well…forever; absolute power and dominance over not just this country, but the world.

There’s a reason why some people consider Putin the most dangerous man in the world; we’re talking James Bond kind of villainous. Putin sees a way to make Russia great again. Putin saw a sucker with Bush and he sees another simp in Trump. If he can cleverly get America to bite on several more disastrous quagmires like Iraq and Afghanistan, which would be likely with the hotheaded Trump in charge(we’re thinking Syria, Iran, Iraq again, North Korea, Ukraine and Mexico – basically World War III), America’s wealth would be bled away again and Russia would return to prominence in the world order.  So go ahead Trump supporters; make Russia great again and enjoy all those new wars in which you’ll be fighting. There’s a reason Millennials hate Trump; with him they have no future.

This photo-toon is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Putin advises George W. Bush that to rid himself of pesky dissenters, just use a pinch of Polonium 210 and a dash of AK-47 and Voila.

While rekindling their romance recently in Maine, President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin discussed possible solutions to some of their more difficult problems, like dealing with people who disagree with them.

The Tragedy Of Clogged Prayer Lines

Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay!

In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror!

This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.

Prayer Lines Clogged For Schiavo, Pope

A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.

Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, “Jesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord’s name in vain. Well, I’m sorry J.C! We’ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn’t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.”

President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. “People, we’re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don’t you hate it when you pray for something and don’t get it? It hasn’t happened to me lately, but it’s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can’t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we’re going to have to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don’t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who knows what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!”

Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, “I’ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it’s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We’ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember – we’ve got better connections with the Man Upstairs because we’re holier than you disgusting, degenerate sinners.”

All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, “Well everything has calmed down for now. We were hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously. Yeesh! I ain’t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, that are as old as Methuselah, aren’t going to hold much longer, especially if Bush invades Iran. It’s going to be the apocalypse!” After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, “Are you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.”

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

The Trumputin Bromance

As the Democratic National Convention wound up this week and the Democrats, the only sane party left in the United States, united to support their nominee Hillary Clinton, news surfaced that the Russians may have been involved in hacking the DNC email server. If that wasn’t enough, authoritarian demagogue, GOP nominee and comedian extraordinaire,  Donald Trump, “jokingly” hoped his pal Vladimer Putin hacked into Hillary’s email server to find missing emails. Way to go Trump! Nothing says patriotic like conspiring with the Russians and committing treason on your fellow American.This shouldn’t surprise anyone though because Republicans have been pulling this shit for the last half century at least. Remember Nixon sabotaging the Paris peace talks in 1968. Or how about St. Ronald Reagan’s secretive deal with Iran, behind the Carter administration’s back, in 1980. Then there’s the whole Watergate affair with Nixon again. And who could forget the malfeasance of the 2000 election, when the conservative leaning Supreme Court and Dubya’s brother Jeb, handed the presidency to George W. Bush. If you’re looking for filthy politics, look no further than your nearest Republican.

Then, to top it off, Trump then tried to distance himself from his hot bromance with Putin, by saying they’ve never met despite evidence to the contrary. What’s amazing (and frightening) is that there are still people who want this orange haired pathological liar to have his finger on the nuclear button.

Donald Trump thanks his pal, Vladimir Putin for hacking into Hillary's email server and awkwardly flatters him with a comparison to his lovely wife Melanoma.

The budding bromance between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and U.S. President-Wannabee, Donald Trump, seems to be taking all kinds of awkward turns and twists these days.

Rewind: Stay The Course!

From the unfrigginbelievable file…

It was just announced that none other than ol’ Dubya, George W. Bush, has come out of retirement to help GOP Senators who are having trouble with their failing campaigns this fall because of the toxicity of the Republican nominee for President, Donald Trump. Isn’t that like calling in an arsonist to put out a fire? It’s amazing that just ten years ago, most sane Americans were thinking the Republican party couldn’t get much worse than good ol’ Dubya and the Bush administration. For those of you with anemic memories who actually have forgotten how horrible George W. Bush was, here’s a short list and a longer list to remind you that he’s the worst President since Herbert Hoover.

Of course, conservative Republicans being conservative Republicans, can never admit that they’re ever wrong about anything. So rather than change direction, they just plow over the cliff and into the abyss. Good luck with that Dubya thingee, GOP.

Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue.

President Bush shouts his mantra 'Stay the course!', while joyriding his Republican made vehicle, America, off a cliff with Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld.

President Bush shouts his mantra while joyriding his Republican made vehicle, America, off a cliff with Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld.

Trump’s Wage Slave America

We used to think it was funny that Donald Trump was the frontrunner when this charade called Con-a-thon 2016 started last summer. We figured that all his gaffes, miscues and hateful comments would surely lead to his demise before the first primaries and one of the more seasoned ‘establishment’ GOP candidates, like Bush, Walker or Rubio, would take the lead. But Trump is clearly on track to becoming the Republican nominee and it’s becoming more scary than humorous. As a matter of fact the Economic Intelligence Unit(EIU) ranked the prospect of a Trump presidency as one of the biggest threats to global economic stability, right up there with radical jihadists.

The most perplexing thing: the supporters of Donald Trump. These are people who should be supporting the man who would really help them, socialist Bernie Sanders. But as we’ve commented here before, many lower and middle class Americans view themselves as ‘temporarily embarrassed millionaires’ , not the exploited backbone of the nation that they truly are. Americans are overworked and underpaid but yet somehow, some of them think that Donald Trump, who is a master at manipulating people and the media, will make their lives better because of the trickle down myth which the Republicans have successfully trumpeted ever since the days of St. Ronald Reagan; Donald Trump is rich, so his riches will trickle down and he’ll make us all rich. It didn’t work in the eighties under Reagan, the aughts under Dubya and it won’t work in the future under Trump.

We’ve been hoping that the people who support Trump would have woken up by now, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. In fact, with the outbreak of violence at anybody who speaks against Trump, they seem more adamant than ever to place America into the hands of an authoritarian megalomaniac with a lust for power and a hatred for dissent. The true future for Trump supporters will more likely be as low wage slaves at his resorts and casinos.

Supporters for Donald Trump like him because he bosses people around, makes up the truth and hates the same people they hate.

Supporters for Donald Trump express their obsequious desire to be future wage slaves for the authoritarian megalomaniac.

Jeb? No!!!!!!!!

Well the South Carolina primaries were this past weekend and there was another expulsion from the Republican clown car in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2016. Despite getting help from his brother Dubya, George W. Bush, (or maybe because of it), Jeb Bush bowed out of the presidential race. His campaign was hemorrhaging money and he needed a spectacular finish to stay in the race. Unfortunately for Jeb and the Bush clan, he didn’t get it.

Thus, that means that the so called ‘establishment Republicans’ will have to get behind Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016, or Ohio governor, John Kasich, who somehow is still in the race. What’s so funny here is the con that Donald Trump is not an ‘establishment Republican’. He represents everything the Republican stands for: greed, business and industry above all others, authoritarianism, christianity only, white Americans only. He is the epitome of the Holy Corporate Empire or the Corporate States of America that the Republican party would like the United State to become for all eternity. At the beginning of this stupid campaign season, we thought for sure Jeb Bush or another mainstreamer like Scott Walker would prevail and that Donald Trump was nothing more than a red herring; someone so insipid that he made the rest of the candidates look responsible by comparison. Apparently the Teabagger wing has taken over the Republican party totally and completely. The GOP is officially and blatantly bat shit insane.

Jeb Bush bows out of the Republican presidential campaing with help from his brother Dubya.

It appears that Jeb Bush will have time now to help his brother George W. Bush paint pictures in the bathtub.