Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

America’s Obsession With Rude Assholes

We were rummaging through our archives and came across an article ten years ago written by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he laments how America seems to be fancying rude assholes and politeness and manners seem to be a thing of the past. Ten years on, with the rise of the King of Rudeness, Donald Trump, things seems to be getting worse rather than better.

This is from our June 19, 2006 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmerica Seems To Be Fancying Rude Assholes These Days

Recently, as I was watching the incredible duel between that Tyler Hick and Nanny McPhee on American Idol, it occurred to me; it seems that people in America seem to be infatuated with rude assholes lately. Not that Tyler or Nanny are assholes. On the contrary; they were delightful breaths of fresh, Mentos flavored air wafting through a flowery meadow. It’s that asshole Simon Cowell that gets my dander boiling! And it seems that every show these days has to have a resident asshole spewing forth offensive expletives and rude commentary. Look at that new cooking show, Hell’s Kitchen. Those people are just trying to cook food for pete’s sake and this chef rips ‘em a new one. Of course, that’s because nothing in America these days is entertaining unless it’s IN YOUR FACE!

Now I know a lot of you are saying, “Well geeeeeeeez Chester! Aren’t you in my face right now?” Well con sarn it, this is different! I’m in your face because I’m old and I’m supposed to be mad at you whippersnappers. I swear if I see one more youngun’ talking on a cell phone while driving… Dag nab it! Now I’m all discombobulated! What was I ranting about?… Oh yeah, America’s fancying of rude assholes. Well folks, this phenomenon goes beyond T.V.; it’s trickling down into every phase of life. I guess you could call it trickle-down insolence.

Look at the music young people are grooving to nowadays; that hippety-hop rappity crap that’s all the rage. Now the beat ain’t all that bad. I have to confess, I’ve tapped a foot or two listening to that Snoopy Dog fella, but the lyrics are down right frightening. Everybody’s capping each other’s asses, slapping their hos and killing cops. Back in my day, we rebelled, but we did it subtly; like taking an extra cookie, or dipping pigtails in ink wells, or giving swirlies to that geeky kid who was always answering teacher’s question. Poor Howie Hughes! I wonder what ever happened to that little nerd. But you don’t see gentle rebellion like that anymore. Now it’s drive-bys, shoot-em-ups and extreme payback. Everybody is all IN YOUR FACE! I’m scared to watch MTV anymore.

Take a look at the political scene. Those right wing radio show hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage have made a name for themselves belittling opposing points of view, spewing forth hateful words and pouring gasoline on the fires of ignorance. Take a look at that Ann Coulter…that is if you can. My God, she’s a walking skeleton! She looks like a meth addict! Has she heard of the concept of food and eating? Anyhoo, she complains that liberals are evil, mean and rooting for the terrorists and then she calls those 9/11 widows harpies and merry widows dancing on their husbands graves! That’s about as rude and assholish as you can get! And then those so called ‘compassionate’ conservatives like David Horowitz enable her by saying stuff like “she’s a national treasure”. Oprah’s a national treasure, you moron! Ann Coulter is just a miserable excuse for a human being! How’s that for IN YOUR FACE, Ms. Coulter? I remember seeing a plaque on the wall in a brothel in Nevada once that stuck with me to this day. It said “Be sure and wear a condom”. Wait… that’s not it… okay… I got it now. It said “Be the change you want to be in the world”. What a beautiful sentiment! Well, I guess the conservatives want the world to be rude, ignorant and full of hate.

Well, I’ve gone beyond my rant limit set by Dr. Mesmer; I’m still recuperating from my latest illness don’t you know. It’s time to calm myself down with an episode of Jerry Springer. Nothing says peace and quiet like squabbling, overweight rednecks who like to make fools of themselves on national television. Jerry, you’re an American treasure, too!