Archive for August 28, 2023

Rewind: SEGUMUCA Nation Redux

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The big news this past week is all the nineteen defendants in Georgia’s RICO case have turned themselves in and had their thugshots taken including the head thug TFG, who predictably is trying to profit off of it by offering merchandise to grift his followers. It’s been a horrible eight years since TFG first came down the escalators to announce his candidacy and the American people’s sanity has gone down the drain because of him. The petulant, megalomaniacal man-child has dominated the corporate media because the corporate media loves him. Even liberal sites cover him because he boosts their ratings. If there’s one thing that has become self-evident during the Trump era is that greed, avarice, materialism, ratings, followers and likes are the most important things in the world now, which is probably why democracy is on the brink of destruction.

We’re reposting a photo-toon from our May 17, 2016 post where we lamented our predicament with candidate Trump and unfortunately things have worsened since then. Our analysis then still rings true today. Most Americans who have been raised on the belief that capitalism is the only sensible economy for this planet, look to the self-aggrandizing, megalomaniac billionaire, who has had three trophy wives and scores of material possessions like houses, cars, planes, etc… and say “Hey! I want to be like him.” That’s the American way.  Add to the fact that conservative evangelicals now view Trump as a better role model than Jesus and we’ve got a hell of a problem on our hands. So what do we do? We’ll just repeat our final paragraph from that post for simplicity’s sake.

We think it’s time that all Americans do a bit of self-introspection, especially conservatives. Conservatives generally don’t do this because in the conservative mindset, they are always right, hence no need to look at oneself in the mirror. Questioning your actions is bad and a sign of weakness. One must do what has been traditionally done forever and ever. And don’t even think of apologizing; that is absolute weakness and worthy of death. But is Donald Trump really who were are as a nation? Are we really like Trump? Are we a SEGUMUCA nation: a nation of Selfish, Egotistical, Greedy, Ultra-Materialistic, Ultra-Competitive Assholes? (Catchy eh?…[sound of crickets chirping]…hellllooooo) Isn’t it time we put the people’s health and welfare, the public good and the environment above profits and selfish, greedy materialistic desires? Maybe if we do that, we won’t look in the mirror, see Donald Trump snarling back and say to ourselves, “Holy Shit! How did we get so fugly!”

Uncle Sam recoils in horror as he looks in the mirror and sees that he has become a Selfish, Egotistical, Greedy, Ultra-Materialistic, Ultra-Competitive Asshole.
Uncle Sam recoils in horror as he looks in the mirror and sees that he has become a Selfish, Egotistical, Greedy, Ultra-Materialistic, Ultra-Competitive Asshole.

Aught 6 Headlines

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Continuing with our headlines retrospective, we’ve switched to our most prolific year, 2006. Therefore, lucky for you, we’ve increased our number of entries, some which are actually funny . . . really . . . no fooling!

Tom Jones Knighted With Queen’s Underpants
Scientists Reveal Urkel Annoyance Factor Increases Exponentially With Time
Strange ‘Watery’ Substance Falls From Sky In Phoenix Area
Apathetic Teen Wins Cell Phone: Gets 1000 ‘Whatever’ Minutes
Mike Wallace Retires: Plans In-Depth Investigation Of Strip Clubs
Bush Vexed By Iraq, Middle East, Ball Of String
Limbaugh Sez Michael J. Fox Faking Parkinsons: Fox Sez Limbaugh Faking Cognizance
Guy Wearing Stethoscope Around Neck Must Be Doctor

Rewind: Talk Show Burnout?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Let’s face it, folks – television is not what it used to be. Reality television SUCKS and the daytime talk shows are just a revolving door of SUCKAGE. We can’t watch two seconds of any daytime talk show without flipping the channel for something else . . . anything else . . . even commercials! Back in the early eighties, there were only a couple talk shows like Donahue and Sally Jesse Raphael. Then Oprah conquered the airwaves which brought a massive influx of semi-celebrities trying to duplicate her success. Then hosts like Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones came on the scene and television was officially swirling the drain. We’ve often marveled at the people in the audience, especially Springer gawkers and wondered why the hell they’d want to be in the audience and watch this bilge in person. Surely, they must be paid to sit through these crapfests. Which brings us to our article published on December 22, 2006 where we speculate on the very real phenomenon of professional talk show audience member burnout. Maybe folks at The View will cover this important issue in a future show.

Professional Talk Show Audience Member Burns Out

Marla Donnelly, a professional audience member for talk shows ranging from Maury to Dr. Phil has resigned from her position citing exhaustion. She is the third professional audience member in the last three weeks to quit her position. Larry Dawson quit in early December and Kathy Corcoran quit last week.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” said a sullen Donnelly. “I mean that last Oprah’s Favorite Things giveaway was grueling, but then Ellen had her 12 Days of Giveaways. I mean a person can only get so excited about a cappuccino maker. I don’t even drink coffee so it was really tough screaming like a banshee when I saw it. Then we were asked to have an orgasm over towels from Ye Olde Hardware Shoppe. Towels for Pete’s sake! I just couldn’t be a screaming Mimi anymore. I had to get out of there.”

Dawson agrees with Donnelly. “I had to take time off because I just couldn’t fake enthusiasm when inside I felt like vomiting. I was doing the Maury show last month and I’m telling you, after the tenth failed paternity test, you just stop caring. Come on! The woman’s a slut if she can’t even pick out the father out of ten guys. These women are worse than Paris and Britney combined. And don’t even get me started on Springer. If I never see another love tryst between a redneck, his three hundred pound wife and his transvestite lover, it will be too soon.”

Corcoran said, “What did me in was the Rachael Ray Show. That rotating platform made me nauseous. Plus we had to applaud every time she added a pinch of cayenne pepper or dash of oregano. I’m sorry, oregano just isn’t that exciting. Not only that, Rachael was just too damn perky. No one’s that perky. Not even Katie Couric was that perky. At the end of one of her shows, I was ready to kill and I sing in my church choir.”

“It’s not surprising,” said audience member manager, Fay Goodman. “It’s not easy these days being an audience talk show member. Back in the old days, there was just Donahue. Then Oprah came on, then Springer, then Jenny Jones. Then everybody and their brother were getting talk shows. Remember Tempestt Bledsoe’s show? Or Charles Perez’s show? Thankfully, most of us have forgotten those timewasters. Now there are so many different shows on so many different networks. I know several of these women rush from Emeril to Martha and then over to Montel. It can really be quite grueling.”

Donnelly however didn’t rule out a return in the future. “I know I’m tired of the routine now but you never really get it out of your system. I know that sometime in the future, I’ll be watching Oprah and I’ll instinctively jump off the couch and start screaming like a howler monkey and send my seventeen cats up the draperies. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Rewind: Dubya’s Duplicity On Iraq

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Currently the Republicans are trying to gaslight their way to trying to get TFG elected in 2024 by claiming that all those indictments are a nothing burger. One might think that their duplicity is new, dating back only to the rise of Trump. But the GOP’s dishonesty goes way back. Remember Nixon(Watergate), Reagan(Iran-Contra) and both Bushes(Gulf War, Iraq War, Afghanistan War)? Volumes of lies, deception and propaganda to go around. Since most Americans seem to have the memory of a gnat (somehow, people actually approve of Dubya now), let’s revisit a fairly recent event of GOP gaslighting in 2006 when Dubya tried to spin our reasons for continuing the clusterf*ck in Iraq. The Bush administration repeatedly used the phrase ‘stay the course’ in the early phases of the war and then promptly did an about face, actually gaslighting the people saying that they didn’t use the phrase. That’s so Republican!

Here’s an article, selected quotes and lil’ Dub Toon from our October 28, 2006 edition.

Bush Revises Iraq War Rationale Again

President Bush recently held a press conference stating that the war in Iraq is all about oil and the new reason for staying the course in Iraq is that we need to save civilization. Previous reasons included finding weapons of mass destruction, liberating Iraqis from dictator Saddam Hussein, establishing democracy throughout the Middle East, training the Iraqis to police their own country, making sure the new Baghdad KFC and Pizza Hut’s were safe, and because ‘Uncle Dick and Rummy said so – so there’.

“You see my fellow Americans,” said President Bush. “If them Iraqians actually start using some of that oil under their country that’s rightfully ours – because we’re Americans –the price of gas will skyrocket. Everybody was bellyaching about the price of gas this past summer, but if you think that was bad, wait until we leave Iraq and let the Iraqians run things. We must stay to keep gas prices low. You could say we came for the WMDs and stayed for the oil. Hey! That’s pretty funny.” Bush then chuckled to himself for two minutes.

Vice President Cheney emerged from his secret undisclosed lair, brushed the President aside and said, “Out of my way monkey boy! This isn’t about oil at all. This is the last chance for Western Civilization as we know it. It’s up to me and Rumsfeld to save the world. We’re the only ones who know how to exploit the region for fun and profit. I ask you my fellow Americans. Do you really want to take food out of the mouths of innocent Halliburton employees? That’s why we must win the war in Iraq and you must elect Republicans in this upcoming election. Because if you don’t, the next thing you know, we’ll be riding in ox carts, eating dates and drinking camel’s milk. Terror. Terror. Terror. Fear. Fear. Fear. God Bless Me and Rumsfeld!”

Joan LeBlanc of the international watchdog organization, Citizens For Peace, said “This is just another example of the lies and distortions this administration doles out to the American public on a daily basis. The truth is we are stuck in Iraq, thanks to this administration’s incompetent decision to invade in 2003. If we stay we will continue to be caught in the middle of sectarian violence. If we leave, Iraq will devolve into full scale civil war. We are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. The genie is out of the bottle and it won’t be going back in any time soon. Pandora’s box is opened. The can of worms is not only open, the worms are spilling out all over the place. The scab has been picked and the wound is infected and oozing with pus. Well, I’m out of cliches. I’m done.”

However, American citizens seemed okay with the White House’s latest explanation. Senior citizen Ruth Thomason of Des Égout, Mississippi said, “I believe the Vice President when he tells me we need to stay in Iraq to save civilization. I also believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy with whom I’m very upset. She hasn’t left me any money for my teeth in the last sixty years and I’m beginning to get a bit miffed.”

Fred Granger of Tuckerville, Illinois said, “Well I was damn mad at the President about everything. Damn mad, I tells ya! I was even going to vote an all Democratic ticket this election. But then the price of gas dropped. Can you believe it’s almost $2 a gallon? Well, all’s forgiven Mr. President. I’m voting Republican.”

Tom Carter of Dorfman, New Jersey said, “I know the Republicans have completely botched the situation in Iraq but I’m comfortable with their incompetence. Go GOP!”

June Amerson of Julesberg, Washington said, “I’m voting for the Republicans because they’re strong on terrorism even though that report that came out says terrorism is much worse in the world since we invaded Iraq. Wait a second. Let me think about that. No wait. Thinking is too tough. Republican it is!”

“We will stay the course. “

George W. Bush
08-30-2006

“We will stay the course, we will complete the job in Iraq. “

George W. Bush
08-04-2005

“And that’s why we’re going to stay the course in Iraq. And that’s why when we say something in Iraq, we’re going to do it.”

George W. Bush
04-16-2004

“And my message today to those in Iraq is: We’ll stay the course.”

George W. Bush
04-13-2004

“And so we’ve got tough action in Iraq. But we will stay the course.

George W. Bush
04-05-2004

“We will stay the course until the job is done, Steve. And the temptation is to try to get the President or somebody to put a timetable on the definition of getting the job done. We’re just going to stay the course. “

George W. Bush
12-15-2003

George W. Bush's pants catch on fire after his latest prevarication about never saying 'staying the course'.
“Stay the course? Nuh uh! I never said stay the course!”