Archive for January 31, 2012

The Wide World of $ports

The biggest sporting event in America occurs this weekend when the New England Patriots meet the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI. What a perfect time to reflect on the BS which is professional sports. We’re presenting archived articles all this week which celebrate the follies of the pro sporting world and the people who cover it. Besides we need a break from all the political BS happening now in Con-a-thon 2012. Does anybody really care about the Republican debates or primaries any more? We support Newt Gingrich’s moon base if we can put all the Republican candidates there forever.

Speaking of the New England Patriots, here’s an article from our February 13, 2005 issue, right after Super Bowl XXXIX. Amazingly, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson are stillshoveling it…broadcasting every Sunday on the NFL on Fox. Thank goodness for the mute button.

Fox Sportscasters Agree: Patriots Are A ‘Dynasty’

Last week, the New England Patriots captured their third Super Bowl in four years by beating the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21 in Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, Florida. Almost 86 million people tuned into watch as the Fox Sportscasting team of James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson discussed the Patriots victory.

Bradshaw declared forcefully, “There is no doubt that the Patriots are a ‘Dynasty’. Look, they’ve won three out of the last four Super Bowls. To me that says ‘Dynasty’ and I’m not talking about the 1980’s T.V. show.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“No question about it,” said Long. “Anytime a team can win back to back Super Bowls, you have to start talking ‘Dynasty’. I mean Jimmy knows all about dynasties because he had the last ‘Dynasty’ back in the ’90s with the Cowboys. You won three out of four Super Bowls from ’92 to ’96. That is a ‘Dynasty’.”

“Yes we did,” said Johnson. “And yes this is a ‘Dynasty’, no doubt about it. The Patriots have won three out of the last four Super Bowls. If there was any doubt before this Super Bowl, there shouldn’t be any now. The Patriots are the new ‘Dynasty’ in the NFL.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“Now don’t forget my ‘Dynasty’ back in the ’70s with the Pittsburgh Steelers,” said Bradshaw. “We won four Super Bowls in six years. We were a ‘Mega-Dynasty’. But I’d definitely have to say the Patriots have a good chance of beating that because they are the new NFL ‘Dynasty’. I mean they’ve won three out of the last four Super Bowls.”

“Absolutely,” said Johnson. “They are a ‘Dynasty’. And they have a chance to be a ‘Mega-Dynasty’. They’re off to a great start with three Super Bowl wins in the last four years.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“Yes, they are definitely the first ‘Dynasty’ of the new millennium,” said Long.

“Absolutely!” said Bradshaw. “They are the new millennium’s first NFL ‘Dynasty’.”

“No doubt about it,” said Johnson. “Three Super Bowl victories in four years. They are a ‘Dynasty’.”

By this time most of the 86 million viewers had turned the channel to watch the special Super Bowl Edition of the Antique Road Show.


Brewer Embarrasses Arizona…Again

You can just about set your watch by it these days: a conservative Republican politician in Arizona acts like an ass on the national and world stage. The long list includes former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio, former congressman J.D. “Rush Jr.” Hayworth, Senator John “I gave the world Sarah Palin” McCain, former Governor Fife “I like cooking food and books” Symington, the king of crazy, former Governor Evan “blacks love being called pickaninnies” Meacham and the Republican slanted state legislature and its infamous “anti-immigration” bill SB 1070. Last week Arizona Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer greeted President Obama on the tarmac and had a testy exchange of words over her treatment of him in her new book and ended up wagging her bony forefinger at the President as if he were a school child and not the leader of this country. This from a woman who gave this unforgettably embarassing performance in the 2010 gubernatorial debates. Incredibly and even more embarrassingly, she won the election! Yep, there’s a lot of scary conservatives living here in Arizona. Getting back to the “showdown”, if former governor and current United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano would have greeted Dubya that way, Republicans would have been calling for her head on a platter.

At least the Guvnuh’s new book, “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border” (yep, My Fight or Mein Kampf in German), got a fantastic boost in sales from her “showdown with Obama”. Or maybe, that’s why she did it in the first place. Hmmmm… Anyway, we here at the Bucket think that the desert heat may have cooked the Guvnuh’s brain liked a baked potato, especially with that tin foil hat she likes to wear.

Arizona Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer warns President Obama that he has entered the Kingdom o' Wingnuts and that he had better beware.

Shows Tonight On The Infomercial Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Infomercial Channel. Change to this channel in the next five minutes and get a free key chain/potato peeler/sex toy just for watching.

Shows Tonight on The Infomercial Channel

7:00pm I’ve Got a System: Breaking the Bank in Vegas
7:30pm I’ve Got a System: Breaking the Bank on Wall Street
8:00pm The Bestest Exercise Machine Ever
8:30pm Become a Real Estate Tycoon by Placing Tiny Little Ads
9:00pm Time Life Presents: The Joanie Loves Chachi DVD Collection
9:30pm Make Money Off Gullible People Who Can’t Sleep

The Saint Racket

Yet even more religious BS from our December 2, 2006 issue. This time we dare to criticize…cue the lightning and thunder… the catholic church. We think it’s pretty humorous that the head honchos in the catholic church are responsible for choosing saints and not God(not that we believe God exists). We would think that God would be more than capable of selecting the holiest of the holy for heavenly glory instead of letting humans select saints as if it were voting for some sports hall of fame. What are the requirements for sainthood? We think you need two miracles, 200 saved souls and 500 home runs but we could be wrong on that.

Dead Priest Misses Out On Sainthood Again

Recently, Pope Benedict XVI canonized five new saints while once again passing over former Missouri priest Fr. Buford Wiggins. Wiggins, died fifty years ago on a farm while attempting to stop the wedding of a man and his male cousin when he tripped into a moonshine still and triggered an explosion killing himself in the process. Wiggins, has become very distraught over the repeated snubbings.

“I’ve been sitting up here in the great beyond playing the banjo for half a century and I still gets no respect,” said Wiggins, puffing on a corncob pipe. “Whaddya gotta do to be a saint? Not to take anything away from that Reverend Cruchaga, but I worked with the young and the poor, too. But I got blown to kingdom come trying to stop the unsanctity of a gay wedding. Doesn’t that count for something? Goddamnit! Ooops! Good thing I’m already in heaven.”

Another rejectee, Brunhilda Von Mannheim, a devout schoolteacher in 1940’s Germany who was killed by the SS, said “I, too, am vexed by not being chosen. Come on. The new Pope is German. I thought I’d be a shoo-in. Shouldn’t the saint making process be done by God or some of the other saints here in heaven? Why should humans on a tiny little planet floating in galaxy ASPWQ12489393877, sector ZNCB8376676667368743887, quadrant LJJYW93439892877492 decide who gets to be the holiest of the holy? Quite frankly, I think the Grumplians on planet Felxnar in galaxy KDKLS889478923787, sector HWWEU834893888, quadrant RSBCX7673643628 are far better suited to choose saints. I know, my friend Yeep, who is a Grumplian, is highly upset that he isn’t a saint. He was strung up by his doobledorn for his beliefs. Humans don’t even know he even exists for that matter. It’s very frustrating for him.”

Heaven spokesman, St. Sixtus said, “People, people…calm down. Not everyone can be a saint okay. I know some of you died spectacular deaths and we appreciate it, we really do. But it’s a numbers thing okay. I tell you what. I’ll talk to J.C. and see if you people can’t get promoted to angel or something okay?”

Wiggins continued his rantings. “No one prays to me. I want people to start praying to Saint Buford of the Still. Well that tears it! It’s all a racket! That Pope John Paul bypasses me and now his buddy Benedict puts him on the fast track for sainthood. That Benedict wouldn’t know a real saint if he came up and flogged himself right in front of him. I tell you what. I know a few creatures up here. I’m going to get a whole bunch of Blovards from the planet Rigel BX10 in galaxy PEWKD843827492898, sector LMEUR763647626482, quadrant ILEJD3674264623877 and go down to Earth and do a little haunting at the Vatican. Those Blovards look like Roseanne Barr on steroids. That ought to put the fear of God in Pope Benny and get me sainted.”

The Powah of Prayer

Here’s more religious BS from our September 10, 2007 issue, not long after Hurricane Felix slammed Central America killing 130 people and causing $720 million in damages.

Man Forgets To Pray; Causes Hurricane Felix

Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.

“We think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn’t come to church and pray this past Sunday,” said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. “Rumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn’t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I’m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9/11.”

Televangelist Maureen Kay said “Let this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord…”

Thirty year old Nielsen said, “You gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I’ve got child support payments to make. I’ve got alimony to pay. I’ve got rent to pay. I’ve got insurance to pay. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t make it to church. I’m sure Jesus would understand.”

Scheister took offense to Nielsen’s explanation. “How dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn’t know what Jesus thinks! I’m the pastor. I’m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President Bush and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I’m going to sell the Lord’s word, I’ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!”

When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, “Well we’ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we’ve found that if we would’ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would’ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, Mr. get-a-divorce-rather-than-stay-together-in-a-loveless-marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don’t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.”

Austerity Dentistry

Times are definitely tough right now. 99% of us are tightening our belts and trying to do more with less. What is especially tough is the high cost of health care especially dental care. It is estimated that 40-60 million Americans don’t have dental insurance. That’s why we’re presenting this timely book as our Book o’ the Month. Buy this bestseller and say goodbye to costly dental bills…and chewing your food.


Veering Right…Into the Rapture

It’s no secret that the Republicans have veered sharply to the right ever since St. Ronald Reagan was president. But today’s political and national climate has become ridiculous. Candidates have been openly pandering to the 30-40% of the people in this country who identify themselves as evangelical christians. These same people also don’t believe in evolution, deny climate change, think that the Earth is all but a few thousand years old and think the rapture is coming very soon so why bother taking care of the planet. If you ever have watched TBN, there are televangelists who unabashedly salivate at the notion that the world is going to end; probably not the best people to be calling the shots. They also openly want to make the United States a christian theocracy.  Haven’t we already learned from history that theocracy is a bad idea? Hey, with Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum and Timmy Tebow leading the way, what could go wrong, right?

Here’s an article from our June 6, 2005 issue (back when ol’ Dubya was presidentin’) about the absurdity of the religious right.

White House Endorses Biblical Explanation For Grand Canyon

In what is considered to be a complete surrender to religious right extremists, the Bush White House completely endorsed a biblical explanation for the Grand Canyon and wants to quickly phase out all other theories on how the great chasm came into existence. The White House also wanted to push an ‘intelligent design’ agenda into schools eventually eliminating the teaching of evolution.

“I’ve discussed this matter with the Big Guy and he agrees with me,” said President Bush. “We have to put an end to the teaching of evolution by these smartsy fartsy liberal thinkers once and for all. Men from apes! That’s just absurd. Do I look like some sort of smirking chimp to you?”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “We’re very excited that we finally have the chance for truth to prevail in the world instead of the unfounded science touted by so called scientists today. The scientific community wants to force Americans to believe in evolution. They want to shove it down our throats. This is so completely wrong. We believe that the only people who can force beliefs down people’s throats is the religious community.”

Paul J. Bryan, head researcher at the Revelations School of Truthful Science said, “Evolution is just a theory. Through work at our institute we’ve discovered that the Grand Canyon is not millions of years old like evolutionists would have you believe, but is in fact just a few thousand years old and created during Noah’s flood. Dinosaurs lived not millions of years ago like evolutionists would have you think, but actually lived side by side with early humans. Humans probably used them for doing laborious work like building pyramids and buildings much like the Flintstones. As a matter of fact, we think the Flintstones is a pretty accurate portrayal of early life for man. Dinosaurs weren’t the monsters as depicted in Jurassic Park. They were playful and harmless pets like Dino.”

Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania supported the institute’s findings and wants to have them taught side by side with evolution in schools. “If schools do not include intelligent design in the new teaching standards, many students will be denied a first-rate science education. Many will be left behind. And I won’t be re-elected by my wacky Christian Fundamentalist electorate.”

Bryan added, “We feel that the events in the Bible are accurate and are not just Judeo Christian myths and stories written down by Bronze-Age peasants. No these stories are accurate and with some creative manipulation, the science of today can be folded, spindled and mutilated to support the stories of the Bible. If the evolutionists would stop thinking logically and start reading only the Bible, then they too might become enlightened. Remember; if you read one book, make it the Bible!”

People had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jerry Swoboda of Cambridge, Massachusetts, said, “This is unbelievable! I’m a grad student in geology. I know science and I know what the geological evidence says about the history of the earth. And you’re telling me that some bible-thumpers who feel threatened are dictating policy and trying to inform me the Grand Canyon was created by a worldwide flood two thousand years ago. I say what are you smoking and where can I get some!”

Mildred Moller of Pebble Noggin, Mississippi, said, “Evolution just doesn’t give me the same warm fuzzy that creationism, …oops…intelligent design, gives me. Just don’t be curious about anything and you’ll be so much happier. Ignorance truly is bliss.”

Mike Ellerby of Dewy Meadows, Maryland, said, “Well of course I believe that Noah’s flood really happened and that Noah built an ark that could hold the millions of species of animals that exist on Earth and that no animal ate any of the other animals during that whole forty day, forty night time span. I also believe that there’s a whole micro-world of leprechauns living on my hairy ass.”

Shocking Development: Rich White Guy Wins

The shocking results from New Hampshire are in: a rich, white guy won the GOP primary. In this particular case, it was former Massachusetts governor, Spiff “I’m for everything” Romney winning and crusty ol’ prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul coming in second. John “I’ve got three hot daughters” Huntsman finished a surprising third.

It’ll be interesting to see if Huntsman will become the next flavor of the month in this joke that is…drum roll please… Con-a-thon 2012. But for right now, Spiff Romney and his magic underwear are riding high. Will his momentum continue onto the next primary in South Carolina or will Uncle Newtie Gingrich’s ‘Anti-Romney’ campaign bring the Spiffster down? The suspense is just riveting isn’t it folks. How many more months of this crap do we have left?

GOP candidate and corporate hatchetman, Spiff Romney, won the New Hampshire primary handily with chameleon like tactics that will surely please everyone, especially corporate 'people' with deep pockets.



Top Mall Stores That Won’t Make It

The holiday season has come and gone and with it comes the inevitable decline in shopping. But while we were running around hectically trying to find that perfect gift, we also noticed that there were some specialty stores in the malls of Cactus Corners, that because of their merchandise or services, probably won’t be around for very much longer. Here they are in convenient list form.

  • Faded Charms Used Lingerie
  • T’oh Clipperz
  • Broccoli on a Stick
  • Dickeys For Less
  • Paper Clip City
  • The Tampon Hut
  • Olson’s Designer Toothpicks
  • Itchy Cosmetics
  • Whirligigs and Crap
  • The Lederhosen Depot
  • Turnip Treats
  • The Amish Fashion Barn
  • Turbans, Turbans, Turbans
  • U.S. Army Recruiter


Shows Tonight On The Numismatist Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Numismatist Channel. Who knew coin collecting could be so exciting!

Shows Tonight on The Numismatist Channel

7:00pm The Sacagawea Dollar: What The Hell Happened?
7:30pm Topics in Coin Collecting: Dealing with Loneliness
8:00pm Presidential Coin Mania! James Buchanan – Bad Coin, Bad President
8:30pm U.S. Coin Patterns of 1792
9:00pm Drachmas: The Misunderstood Currency
9:30pm The Money Shot with Herm Finkelstein