Archive for Articles:Corporate BS

My Dinner With Scrooge

In the lull before the impending storm of the Republican National Convention,  here’s another golden oldie article from our archive…

This article is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Employee Finds Dinner With Boss Disappointing

Terry McCoy, an employee at DensonCorp, recently was invited to dinner by his boss, Byron Hart. However, McCoy was extremely disappointed when he found out that instead of being treated to a fancy dinner at a restaurant, he was served a homemade meal at Hart’s house.

“I’m completely bummed,” lamented McCoy. “I mean when the boss invites you out to dinner, you have visions of steaks, lobsters and fine wine, dancing in your head. Instead Byron invited me over to his partially furnished condo. He popped a couple of Budget Gourmet Pepper Steak dinners in the microwave and we had some Coors Light while we sat on crates in his living room watching a DVD of the first season of Saved by the Bell on his little twelve inch TV. After I choked down the pepper steak and rice, he breaks out a gallon of vanilla ice cream and we watch Deuce Bigalow. I just thought my employers would be a little more appreciative of my efforts.”

Co-worker Steve Kennedy commented on McCoy’s dinner. “Terry’s lucky, man. To show his gratitude for my work on the Henderson account, Hart took me out for lunch and bought me a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Oh, I almost forgot. He did buy me a Hamburglar action figure, which I display proudly on my desk to remind myself of what a cheap ass company this is.”

Hart defended the dinner. “Listen, I’m just a little fiscally conservative that’s all. I didn’t get to where I am today by spending money on extravagant things like furniture, television or food. Terry’s is a very lucky person to have gotten what he got. I just don’t break out the Deuce Bigalow DVD for just anyone, you know.”

When Hart’s supervising boss, Burt Worley, heard about the dinner, he expressed complete astonishment. “Pepper steak?! Come on! I serve my guests chili-macaroni! That Hart is never going to make it into the upper echelon of DensonCorp by spending so much on…employees. How often do I have say it people; the money goes to the executives… not the grunts. That’s the American way!”

Conservatives Without Conservation

We read an article online ranking the worst environmental presidents in history and to no one’s surprise, ol’ Dubya ranked as the worst. And not surprisingly, many Republican presidents were equally as bad (St. Ronald Reagan was 2nd). There’s not a lot of conservation in today’s conservative. Why can’t more Republicans see the environment like Teddy Roosevelt did: something to be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Oh that’s right: there’s money to be made.

Here’s an article from our August 14, 2003 issue, back when Dubya was in favor of corporate sponsorship of our National Parks. Talk about putting the wolves in the sheep pen.

Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park

As part of President Bush’s plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.

“We are very pleased with this development,” said President Bush. “This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently.” He paused and then added, “Oh and we’ll also get to drill for more Texas tea.”

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, “This will be the greatest park in the world. We’ll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They’ll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!”

Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. “This park is so boring now. I can’t wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo.”

Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.

Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. “If you think Ol’ Faithful was something,” said Jamieson. “Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!” Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.

Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.

You Will Have Fun and That’s An Order!

More Corporate BS and hijinx…this time some fun, fun, fun from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Local Company Enforces Mandatory Fun

Local Internet company, Swellco, Inc. has come up with a sure-fire way to boost employee morale. It has instituted a Fun, Fun, Fun day every last working day of the month.

Marketing manager, Biff Timmons, explained why the day was created. “Lately our employees have been putting in long, long, hours to meet some pretty strict, unattainable deadlines. We’ve just decided that this is our way of saying ‘Gee, Thanks guys! You’re doing a swell job!’ And each Fun, Fun, Fun day will have a different theme. That’s what will make it fun, fun, fun for all!”

This week’s Fun, Fun, Fun day will be called “Rootin’ Tootin’ Rodeo”. Everybody will come to work in western garb. In the morning, there will be a ‘Rope the Li’l Doggie’ contest. Biff Timmons will play the role of the steer. One representative from each department will then try to rope and hogtie him. The winner will get an official looking certificate stating that they won the contest. Then an official ‘western’ style meal will be served at lunch featuring beanie-weenies, potato salad, chips and sarsaparilla. In the afternoon, there will be a ‘Barrel Racing’ contest. In this case, the barrels will be computer monitors, placed randomly and carelessly on the ground around the office. One representative from each department will race around the monitors, and the fastest finisher will win and get branded with a temporary tattoo with the Swellco logo on it. The festivities will end with an official hoedown with western music played on a portable CD player and line dancing.

Employee reaction to the Fun, Fun, Fun day was mostly negative. “God, what a lame-ass idea!” said programmer Mark Seitz. “This is the best idea our marketing department can come up with? No wonder our company is going down the tubes! I think I’ll have a cold that day.”

Web developer Tom Eldred said, “If they really want to improve morale, they should give employees more money or more vacation time. Instead we get to rope Biff Timmons. I’ve had enough already. I’m logging onto Monster!”

CEO Bradley Melkerson had some advice for his employees who may not be enthusiastic about the Fun, Fun, Fun day. “It’s important that employees realize the hard work that went into the planning of the Fun, Fun, Fun day. This day is for you. Therefore, it is mandatory that employees have a good time or else. Oh, and if you break one of those computer monitors during the barrel racing, you pay for it.”

Biff Timmons concluded, “You get beanie-weenies, you get a Swellco Brand tattoo, and you get to rope and hogtie the ol’ Biffer. How could that not be fun, fun, fun?”

 

Trickling Down

Our Corporate BS retrospective continues…Here’s an article from our January 18, 2004 issue.

New Drugs To Combat Effects From Environmental Pollution

Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies has released of a suite of new drugs for combating the effects of nuclear radiation and environmental pollution. This is in response to the announcement last month by the National Research Council calling for drugs to prevent effects of nuclear radiation for people living near nuclear plants.

“We feel this is a very timely solution for every American,” said Drugzilla spokesperson, Sally Whitman. “With the relaxed environmental regulations passed by the Bush administration, pollution will most likely increase. But Americans need not worry. We have created a whole new set of drugs to fight the symptoms of pollution. For instance, Nukitol, is for people living near nuclear power plants who may be exposed to radiation. Carbomonoxitol offers relief for urban dwellers who breathe in massive amounts of car exhaust fumes or factory exhaust each and every day. Nixochemitol helps people who may drink contaminated water from mining, manufacturing or chemical plants. Plus we have several other drugs available to aid the average citizen in living with the necessary pollution of modern corporate America.”

Doris May Watkins, a housewife from Corpdump, New Jersey, expressed gratitude for the new medication. “We live right next to a chemical plant and we can’t afford to move. But thanks to these wonderful drugs, my raging migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea can be fixed with just one tablet eight times a day at the affordable price of just $10 a tablet. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Beau Garner, from Dungheap, Texas, who lives next to a nuclear power plant, said, “This is great! Now maybe my gums and my stomach will stop bleeding long enough for me to eat. Maybe my hair will stop falling out, too. I mean I’m only twenty-five for Pete’s sake. I’m unemployed and got no health insurance, but it’ll only cost three quarters of my unemployment check to buy the drugs. That leaves a cool fifty bucks to pay my bills and buy me food for the month. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Whitman warned that the drugs do have possible side effects like cramping, headaches, uncontrollable salivation, seizures, hair loss, heart palpitations, spleen rupture, night sweats, blindness, war flashbacks, bloody stool, heebie-jeebies, bladder infection, tremors, hairballs, sterility, memory loss, incessant flatulence, body rashes,  kidney failure, limb paralysis and an inexplicable urge to listen to parody music by Weird Al Yankovic. Fortunately, Drugzilla makes drugs to combat all of these side effects.

President Bush praised the new drugs. “This is a great victory for the American people and the economy. See, I told you so. By allowing more pollution, all my friends and benefactors are making more money and the economy is being stimulated. Trickle down economics does work. God Bless America!”

Those Poor, Poor Millionaires

Continuing with our Corporate BS retrospective…This article is from our March 13th, 2005 issue, back when then President Bush signed the ‘Tort Reform’ bill. Never forget folks: corporations are the most important ‘people’ in America.

Bush’s Tort Reform Aids Poor, Defenseless Corporations

President Bush came to the rescue of poor American corporations recently when he signed into law the so called ‘Tort Reform’ bill which places limits on class action lawsuits placed against corporations.

“This is a momentous occasion for my corporate benefactors,” said Bush. “From now on, our poor, defenseless American corporations will never be fleeced by greedy, money-grubbing consumers who are out to screw our decent CEOs out of their hard earned millions.”

Sally Whitman, spokesperson of Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies, praised the legislation. “This bill is a godsend. I’m so sick of people complaining, ‘Oh, this medicine caused me to break out in a rash’, ‘This medicine made my child vomit’, ‘This medicine killed my husband’. Has anyone heard of the phrase, ‘Buyer Beware’? No one held a gun to your head to take the medicine. A doctor’s prescription doesn’t necessarily have to be followed, people.”

Dr. Ted Cargill said, “This is great for all us doctors who’ve ever had to worry about malpractice suits. Now when I mistakenly amputate a patient’s right leg instead of the left leg, I won’t have to suffer any consequences, like losing my license to practice medicine, my membership at the country club or my Porsche. God, I’d die if I lost my Porsche.”

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, said, “Now I don’t have to put up with employee complaints of working them over forty hours a week. They’ll work when I want them to work. When I say jump, they’ll say ‘How high, Mr. Juggers?’ I bet I can even get away with paying less than minimum wage now. That means maybe I can get vacation home number ten. I’m thinking a nice little hideaway in Aruba will do nicely.”

Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is disastrous for the average American. While it may be true there are a few tort lawyers who abuse the system, the majority of the cases brought before the state courts are legitimate. Now that the tort cases will be brought before federal courts, the likelihood of a case being dismissed will be greater. The consumer stands the chance of not having any retribution if they purchase a faulty product, have a conflict with an employer or are harmed by defective drugs. They will have no rights.”

Americans seemed ambivalent about the bill. Jenny Miller of Madison, Wisconsin, said, “I welcome corporate slavery. I don’t mind working an extra five, ten or twenty hours a week for my boss. I mean he doesn’t pay me more but there are benefits. He lets me take an extra donut every morning. I’d say that more than makes up for it.”

James S. Quinton, of Atlanta, Georgia, said, “Well I was going to sue Dr. Jamieson’s ass for giving me a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy. But I guess I can get used to wearing pantyhose and heels. I hope my wife doesn’t mind if I use hers.”

Ernest Jefferson, of Houston, Texas, who lost his life savings in the Enron scandal, said, “When I say the word, can you kick the chair I’m standing on out from underneath my legs. Thank you.”

The Job Creators

Our Corporate BS retrospective continues…This article is from our very first issue back on May 19, 2003. It’s amazing how some things remain the same in the ol’ Corporate States of America. Remember folks… it’s all about the profits.

CEO Says Layoff is ‘Move of Strength’

CEO Mike Montgomery of MicroDinks, Inc. says this weeks layoff of 25% of the work force was a ‘move of strength’. “This move will position us positively in the market place and enable us to be mean and lean for the future,” said Montgomery at a news conference.

“Move of strength my ass!” said laid off technician Jerry Nelson. “I’ve worked for MicroDinks for ten years and this is the thanks I get! I’ve got three small kids, a sick parent, a mortgage and two car payments. That two week severance check ain’t going to cover crap. And my health coverage is gone! I can’t afford those COBRA payments. They’re expensive as hell!  I’m screwed!”

John Germann, a laid off computer programmer said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. The job market sucks. I’ve looked on monsterspaz.com, nerdorama.com and geeksforhire.com. There are just no technical jobs to be found.”

Montgomery insisted that the move was necessary in order for MicroDinks to make a profit for the upcoming fiscal year and keep stock prices high to appease stockholders.

Even though 250 people were laid off, neither Montgomery’s nor other officer’s salaries were cut. Montgomery makes a reported salary of $40 million year. Other officer salaries ranged from $5 million a year to $20 million a year.

“Well hot damn,” added Nelson. “That warms the cockles of my heart knowing that ol’ Mikey won’t have to sell his Porsche or his Hummer. He even gets to keep his five homes. Greedy Frigging Bastard!”

“Maybe I could get a job as his pool boy,” said Germann.

 

Corporate Sports – A Marriage Made in Hell

One more post with our Sports BS retrospective and the beginning of our Corporate BS retrospective. Well whaddya know…here’s an article from our September 17, 2006 issue that combines BS from the sports world and BS from the corporate world in one convenient article. Who wouldn’t want to work at this company?

Innovative Boss Makes Computer Programming Spectator Sport

G. Terrance Wallace, the Vice President of Technology at software company Conglomeris, located in the Cactus Corners Ocotillo Office Park, recently instituted a novel new program geared at increasing productivity and visibility for his employees as they toil away on a daily basis in their cubicles. Taking a cue from the sports world, the innovative boss has made the cubicles into an arena and has invited people in to watch and cheer on his software engineers as they code and debug programs.

“This is a revolutionary move,” commented Wallace. “Time after time, my programmers complain that they’re working harder than any of those professional athletes and they’re smarter than those athletes but yet they earn decidedly less. Well, I can’t give my programmers a million dollars. That would be ridiculous!” Wallace then chuckled for several minutes and continued. “Seriously, I can’t. But what I can do is increase the appreciation level for their work. Therefore, I’ve built a spectator arena where fans can come and watch these guys work their magic. I’ve built a concession stand where we sell hot dogs and sodas for fans. I’ve given the programmers numbered jerseys, with the Conglomeris logo of course. I’ve managed to coerce Vera and Ruth from Accounting to be cheerleaders. I’ve even printed trading cards with the programmer’s pictures and programming stats on them. We’ve come up with stats like lines written per hour and bug fix quotient; it’s a stat junkie’s wet dream. We’re also in the works for bobbleheads. I predict that this will be the new trend of the future in high tech industry.”

Senior Software Engineer Larry Deaver said, “This is like a dream come true for me. I was never very athletic in school. I was on the chess team, but no one ever came to our matches. But I could code…code like the wind. Now, I’ve got cheerleaders rooting me on with chants like ‘Debug debug go go!’ Nothing motivates you faster than those foxy accounting babes egging you on. I fixed ten Class B bugs and five Class A bugs today. I was as they say ‘en fuego’.” Deaver then pumped his fist and accidentally hit it against his desk. “Ooowwwwieeeeee! Ooowwwwieeeeee! I hurt my mouse hand! Injury time-out! Send in the medic!”

Cheerleader Ruth Rubinowitz said, “Oh this reminds me when I was a wrestling cheerleader in high school; I’m used to cheering at empty arenas. Hey, the boss is giving me an extra dollar an hour to do this gig so I don’t mind. That one programmer with the coke bottle glasses, Dan Schlueter, is kinda cute. Sure he leads the department in introduced software bugs, but he’s due for some bug fixes. C-O-D-E Coooooooode! Yeah!”

Not all the programmers were enthusiastic about the new program. Scott Majewski said, “This is so frigging lame! Look at the cheerleaders. Ruth and Vera both got to be in their late forties.  I’m sorry, baggy sweats just aren’t sexy or motivating. The stands are empty. The hot dogs are staler than the ones at Kwik-n-Easy. The only reason Wallace is doing this is to get on the cover of TechNews. Terry’s a complete egomaniac. Not only that, he’s a bonehead. He wouldn’t know good code if it bit him on the ass. He doesn’t care about good programming practices, he just wants software ready for demos so he looks good to headquarters and to do that, he’s got to push us like sled dogs with gimmicky tricks like this heap of dog dung.”

Database programmer Rick Oswald echoed Majewski’s sentiments. “Screw the trading cards. Pay me what they pay professional athletes and I’ll work my ass off. Hell pay me what they pay minor league athletes and I’ll work my ass off.”

Since the arena was opened one month ago, only two people have showed up to watch the programmers; one was a man who was waiting for a bus and had an hour to kill, the other was a homeless man who wandered in for a hot dog, but soon after eating it, became sick and left.

But Wallace is determined his vision will ultimately succeed. “Oh this will work,” said Wallace confidently. “If the programmers don’t want their jobs to go to India next year, they’ll produce and I’ll be named Executive of the Year by TechNews.” He then laughed maniacally and rubbed his hands together.