Archive for August 31, 2011

In the Beginning, There Was BS

The evangelical christians have sure been showing their true ignorance lately with Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann proclaiming that the east coast hurricanes and earthquakes are signs from God. Bachmann later recanted saying she was just jesting and that she has a fantastic sense of humor (well that statement made us howl with laughter). But what cracks us up here at the Bucket is religious conservatives’, especially GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, insistence that evolution is “just a theory” and that creationism should be taught in school on an equal footing with evolution. Of course they ignore that the Bible is a first century book of mythology and has tons of holes in it but we guess that’s just what’s called ‘faith’. Even Pope John Paul II said that evolution was “more than just a hypothesis.” But we like Biologist Richard Dawkins’ response to Rick Perry the best. Here’s the link.

Here’s one of our favorite photo-toons from our June 2, 2007 issue commemorating the opening of that bastion of ‘intelligent design’, the Creation Museum.

The Creation Museum, based on the teachings of the book of Genesis in the Bible, opened recently in Petersburg, Kentucky and contains such thought provoking, scientifically accurate displays as this one which depicts humans and dinosaurs co-existing peacefully in a sun-kissed, peachy keen world.


Condoleezza Rice’s Legsplomacy

The world is abuzz with the downfall of longtime Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi. Today, rebel forces stumbled across a photo album in Gaddafi’s Bab al-Aziziya compound in Tripoli of Condoleezza Rice. Apparently, the Libyan strongman was quite fond of the former Bush Secretary of State. In a 2007 interview with Al Jazeera, Gaddafi said of Rice, “I support my darling, black African woman. … I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders. … I love her very much. I admire her, and I’m proud of her because she’s a black woman of African origin.” Yeesh! That’s creepier than Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

Actually, we at the Bucket have known for a long time, Condoleezza Rice’s power over men. Here’s a photo-toon from our August 11, 2006 issue.

After failing to secure peace in the Middle East, Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, reveals her new diplomatic tactic in dealing with foreign leaders, especially males.

Shows Tonight on Home and Garden TV (HGTV)

Here’s a What’s on Tonight listing from January 11, 2006.

Shows Tonight on Home and Garden TV

7:00pm Becky’s Secret Garden
7:30pm Landscaping 101: Pink Flamingos or Gnomes?
8:00pm Renovating With Styrofoam
8:30pm Designer Outhouses
9:00pm That’s Stupid!
9:30pm Erotic Quilts

Support Your Local Millionaires

It’s August and like the weather, the pennant races are heating up. Surprisingly, the Arizona Diamondbacks are in first place in the National League West. We applaud this plucky team, especially hard nosed manager Kirk Gibson. This was a group of slackers who, thanks to Gibson’s guidance, have decided to compete this summer. But we were reading an article in the local online rag, that since they were doing so well, the players expected more people to be attending the games. Attendance has been pretty mediocre for a first place team and some players and front office types were expressing disappointment that more people weren’t attending games. Are athletes and execs that far removed from the sufferings of average citizens? It’s not that people don’t want to come. It’s because they can’t afford to come. This is a bad economy. People are struggling just to pay their bills and keep their houses. And the seats at Chase Field are not cheap. Let’s say a family of four wants to attend a game and sit in seats close to the field down the third base line in left field. The tickets alone will cost over $100 dollars. And then there’s the concessions. A hot dog and coke will run you $10. If you include parking expenses, a day at the ol’ ball game will probably end up costing the family close to $200. Not quite like the good ol’ days. Oh well. On second thought, who are we to interfere with conventional wisdom and people’s priorities. So, go ahead and skip making your mortgage payment, paying your electric bill or eating and get out there and support your local millionaires! Maybe they’ll get a clue.

Sports fans will sacrifice anything in order to support their local millionaires.


ProTekShun Laser-Armed Guard Owl

A SKYMart product from our August 16, 2007 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

From the leader in high tech Home Security, comes the latest trendy gizmo to protect your home: the Laser-Armed Guard Owl. This deadly owl detects motion, sounds an audible alert and blasts away with powerful, high energy, chemical, oxygen iodine, laser beams from its watchful eyes. This cutting edge technology is available only in military weapons and our owl. It will slice through skin in seconds leaving anybody who dares to bother you in excruciating pain. Send a message to all the scumbags in your neighborhood like the paperboy, that Jehovah's Witness who comes by every week to convert you and sweet old Mrs. Applebee and her decadent, fat producing chocolate cream puffs. Guarantee privacy and security for yourself with the new Laser-Armed Guard Owl, from your friend in high tech Home Security, ProTekShun. Sale Price: only $500,000

Dubya Spent 1020 Days on Vacation

There were blurbs on most websites today stating that some people are criticizing President Obama for taking a 10 day vacation right now. Those ‘some people’ are basically Fox News and neocons who have conveniently short memories when it comes to presidential vacations. Of his time in office, George W. Bush spent 1020 days on vacation, the most of any President in history. And at this time in Dubya’s presidency(almost 3 years), he had spent 180 days on vacation. Obama has spent a grand total of 61 days on vacation, a mere drop in the bucket compared to Bush. And let’s not forget that in August 2001, Dubya spent most of August patriotically clearing brush on his Crawford ranch ignoring stupid memos about ‘terrorists determined to strike inside the U.S.’.

Let’s revisit one of Dubya’s finer moments when he was looking for scapegoats for the botched Iraqi intelligence which led to the Iraq occupation fiasco. This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.

President Bush announces that the real culprits responsible for Iraqi intelligence failures were the adorable little imps from the Family Circus comic strips, Not Me and Ida Know.

Shows Tonight on The Food Network

Here’s a What’s on Tonight listing from June 6, 2005.

Shows Tonight on The Food Network

7:00pm Gertie Mae Jenkins’ Cooking Critters
7:30pm Grillin’ & Chillin’ with Cop Killah B
8:00pm Low Carb & Lovin’ It
8:30pm High Carb & Lovin’ It
9:00pm God How I Love To Eat!
9:30pm Stuff Your Fat Face With Chocolate

A Reading From The Book of Profits

GOP Presidential candidates Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have emerged as front runners in the Republican race. Both candidates are fervent evangelical christians, claim to have an intimate relationship with God, and are very popular with the Republican base, which consists of scores of evangelical christians.  Preachers like James Dobson, Pat Robertson and all those PTL preachers on TBN sure do rake in a lot of money. Isn’t it funny that all the preachers on television are impeccably dressed and can afford to build theme parks, finance movies and creationism museums. But just like many corporations, churches don’t pay taxes.  What a convenient, lucrative loophole! We think that in order to participate in the political process, you should at least pay taxes. And then there’s the prosperity gospel. Prosperity theology teaches that a combination of faith, positive speech, and donations to christian ministries(of course) will always cause an increase in material wealth…material wealth for the preachers that is. According to the little known Book of Profits, the churches can fleece their flocks with Jesus’ blessing. What makes this even more preposterous is that the biblical Jesus was pretty much a socialist and these hypocrites worship him as their lord and savior. Well, I guess if Bachmann and Perry make it to the White House (Zeus help us all!), at least they’ll have Americans ready for the Rapture. Hallelujah!

Here’s an old Pic O’ The Week photo-toon from our November 16, 2008 issue that addresses the teachings of capitalist Jesus.

Some conservative christian Republicans have lately been touting the little known capitalist teachings of Jesus.

Corporations Are People, Too

Republican Presidential candidate Mitt(or Spiff, as we at the Bucket call him) Romney was heckled, jeered and hooted at in Iowa the other day when he said in a speech that ‘corporations are people’.  We applaud this fine gesture but we think, since there are many farms in the Hawkeye state, the people should have also heaved some manure at the ol’ Spiffster.

Speaking of heaving crap, in 2010, the Supreme Court said basically that ‘corporations are people, too’ when they ruled that corporations should not be limited in the amount of money they can contribute to political campaigns. So this means that corporate America can use their immense wealth to greatly influence elections so that lackeys(Teabaggers anyone?) who support their agenda(tax cuts anyone?) will get elected. This kind of government is called a plutarchy, which is a combination of plutocracy and an oligarchy. And a plutarchy pretty much means the average citizen is royally screwed.

Depending on your source, it’s estimated that 50-60% of corporations pay no income taxes. In 2009, companies like GE, Bank of America, Citigroup and Valero paid no income taxes whatsoever while making billions of dollars in profits.  Now that’s patriotism!  So much for that saying ‘with great power comes great responsibility’. Well, we say if ‘corporations are people, too’ then they can start paying more taxes. Teabaggers keep blathering about returning to the good ol’ days of the ’50s. How about the 90% tax rate that the top tier paid during the Eisenhower(Republican) administration for starters. That would surely jump start a lot of infrastructure projects. But then again our corporate overlords wouldn’t get their million dollar bonuses and we absolutely need our tycoons happy or else they won’t create jobs for us peons. The Corporate States of America: for the corporation by the corporation, with liberty and justice for plutocrats.

Supreme Court Justice John Roberts wears the new NASCAR inspired logo robes which will now be worn by all conservative justices.

Movies Tonight on The Lifetime Channel

One of our small, regular features in every issue from March 13, 2005 until the end of 2007 was the television listing that evening for one of the gazillion channels available to the viewing public. Here’s one from March 13, 2005.

Movies Tonight on The Lifetime Channel

6:00pm All Men Are Scumbags
8:00pm My Evil, Lying, Cheating Husband
10:00pm I Married A Two Timing Rat Bastard