Archive for November 25, 2015

Screw Thanksgiving! All Hail Black Friday!

At this time of year, in the not too distant past, it used to be that people would gather around the dinner table with their families and friends, feast on turkey and pumpkin pie, play a little football, watch a little football, take tryptophan and wine induced naps and spend time with their loved ones, talking, playing and enjoying each others company.

Well, screw all that. There’s a new holiday in town and it’s called Black Friday. Why is this holiday replacing Thanksgiving? Because there is a thing in America called consumerism and it must me fed 24/7, 365 days a year or America will fall apart. Yes, thanks to a partnership from hell between corporate America and the ever pliant corporate media, Americans are bombarded with news of sales, sales, sales, even on Thanksgiving day. Hmmmm. Sales or family and friends? The choice is clear for today’s materialistic consumer automatons. Buy! Buy! Buy!!! And Bill O’Reilly thinks atheists are leading the so called ‘War on Christmas’. What a pinhead!

Screw Thanksgiving! Black Friday is America's new favorite holiday.

An American consumer automaton declares her love of the new holiday Black Friday, which replaces the much lamer Thanksgiving.

Do Unto Your Brother; But Only If He’s Christian

The big news lately in the wake of the Paris terrorists’ attack last week is what to do with the Syrian refugees. Many Americans are against letting them into the country at all, while others are demanding stricter standards for allowing them into the country. While we think sending troops to Syria is a knee jerk reaction, we  think stricter vetting of the refugees isn’t such a bad idea. We should use the same solid background checks that we use for any American who wants to purchase a gun. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? (Side note:Ms. Ubetcha, Sarah Palin, recently piped up and said Jesus would have loved guns.)

We also find it a bit odd that the most christian of the christians of the Republican candidates are saying that only christian refugees should be allowed into the country. Hmmmm…what would Capitalist Jesus have to say about that?

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, confesses his love for guns and suggests to use them on Syrian refugees because Christians rule.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, confesses his love for guns and suggests a use for them to his gun loving Christian followers.


It’s Not Jindal Time

Hey America! It’s not Jindal time! It sounds like a rap song, but it’s actually the next chapter in the charade that is Con-a-thon 2016. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that it’s “not my time” and dropped out of the Republican race.  Jindal came to prominence in 2008 but quickly nosedived after his less than stellar rebuttal to President Obama’s state of the Union address in 2009. We were kind of shocked that he decided to run for President because his sing-songy simplistic manner resonated with no one. His poll numbers were microscopic, indicating that there may never be a ‘Jindal Time’ ever in America. Oh well…that just means more room in the Republican clown car for the umpteen other loonies.

Bobby Jindal realizes that it will never be 'Jindal Time' in America

GOP candidate Bobby Jindal bows out of the Con-a-thon 2016 realizing that it will never be ‘Jindal Time’ in America.




The Eiffel Tower in Paris France.

Vive la France!

Ben Carson: Truth Doctor

As predicted, the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 is living up to expectations. The Donald no longer is the front runner and there is a new flavor of the month in the lead. That distinction now belongs to famed evangelical neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Unbelievably, this man has risen to the top of the GOP heap and in some polls(we suspect extremely errant polls) he’s even ahead of Hilary Clinton. Of course, all this despite Dr. Carson uttering the most non-sensical crap ever to spew forth from a presidential candidate’s mouth. But then you can never be too crazy with this year’s candidates in the Republican clown car. Seriously folks, the things that Carson has said are just mind-blowingly inane.

It appears that Dr. Carson is a pathological fabricator. He claims that he was excessively violent as an ‘impoverished’ child but no one who knew him back then can corroborate his story. He also falsely claimed to have applied for and been accepted to West Point. And this so called man of science doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks the Big Bang is a fairy tale.

In addition, it has recently been documented how that his house is basically a temple to himself. This follows along with the prosperity gospel being taught by many of today’s evangelical preachers, which is why the christian Tea Baggers are nuts for him…you know…because he believes in Jeebus. This despite his actions and viewpoints being mostly against anything Jesus ever said or did. But christians are authoritarians and when someone in authority, like Dr. Carson, says something, the good little sheep believe and obey. And of course, the authoritarian dictating his doctrines, like Dr. Carson, believes the truth is whatever he says it is.

Do Americans really want this chronic fibber as their leader? Well Dubya was president for eight years, so maybe they miss all the lies and deceptions. America is pretty dysfunctional in that respect. We’ve got another year to go in this travesty of democracy so we guess anything can happen. Maybe Jim Gilmore will come out of nowhere and be the next Republican flavor of the month.

Dr. Ben Carson explains that the Pyramids were for storing grain and the Great Wall of China was a big roller coaster much to the delight of his evangelical Teabagger followers.

New GOP frontrunner, Dr. Ben Carson, proclaims to all his evangelical Teabagger sheeple that the truth is pretty much what he says it is.

A Little Too Retro

We’re still fed up with current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

Nostalgia never goes out of style. People become middle aged and fondly remember their younger years when things weren’t so complex. People now are nostalgic about the 90s, if you can believe that; that golden era when Bill Clinton fooled around with anything in a skirt, the Macarena was actually a thing and watching Frasier on TV was still enjoyable. But sometimes people take going retro a little too far.

This article is from our August 15, 2004 issue.

Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro

Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the ’70s: the 1870s that is.

Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed mustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.

“What’s with that dude?” asked Candy Bergman. “He shows up to all our parties dressed like he’s Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like ‘Good evening, my lady!’ I don’t what he’s thinking but that gentleman crap doesn’t work with the women of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either ‘ho’ or bitch. That works for me anyway.”

Resident Mike Fernald said, “That guy’s got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it’s 110 degrees outside and he’s wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro’s cool if you’re, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man.”

Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. “That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody’s wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can’t dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you.” Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.

Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. “I must say that I’m truly vexed by their attitude. I’m only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan’t lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I’m late for my evening constitutional.”

Parental Delusions

We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes…

Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth control.

Here’s an article from our May 31, 2006 issue.

Local Couple Has Best Baby Ever

Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.

“There is no question about it,” said Austin smugly. “Our baby is superior in every way. He’s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he’s only six months old. He’s performing at a nine month old level. I’m telling you he’s a genius.”

Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. “Oh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He’ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be…dare I say…an American Idol.”

Austin’s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise’s baby or that ‘Brangelina’ baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.”

However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner’s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, “Oh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He’s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I’d say he’s going to do 5 to 10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He’s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there’s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That’s why I’m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she’s the best baby in the world.”

Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters’ claim. “There is no way Rhonda’s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I’m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we’ll all see who’s the most perfect baby in the whole world!”

Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, “Okay! You think your baby is better than mine, we’ll see about that. I’m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!”

When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.