Tag Archive for Cactus Corners

The Seven Wonders Of Cactus Corners, Arizona

And now for something completely different…

With all the depressing daily shootings that are going on, we thought we’d do something Pythonesquely different and devote some attention to summer travel and tourism. We haven’t done a BilgeBucket List for some time, so we decided to highlight our fair burg of Cactus Corners, Arizona, just in time for the sweltering 110+ degree heat. Everyone’s heard of the Seven Wonders of the World. Our little corner of the desert has some splendid attractions, well worth your tourist dollar. So, in an effort to educate the world on the awe-inspiring splendors that make Cactus Corners such a miserable hell hole, America’s trendiest suburb, here is a list of the Seven Wonders of Cactus Corners.

  • Delores Romanowski’s Five Story Compost Heap
  • The Hubcap Dinosaur Statue at Prospector Pete’s Gold Mine Ride & Fun-o-torium
  • Raul’s Sex Emporium’s Tower, which looks like a giant penis
  • The Mechanical Gila Monster on the ninth hole at J.J.’s Putt-o-rama
  • The flock of pink flamingo lawn ornaments at Cactus Trailer Park Supplies
  • The melted ice cream stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch
  • The melted ice cream stain of Elvis next to the melted ice cream stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Once again we’re sick of current events so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

What happens when parents can’t control their delightful little urchins in a public restaurant and the wee ones run amok? Fun times, that’s what!

This article is from our July 25, 2006 issue.

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Most of the patrons at the Bucky’s Burgers at Cactus Corners’ Blue Cactus Shopping Center were absolutely delighted by the antics of Layla Cooper’s six rowdy and rambunctious children last Monday evening. Cooper and her urchins invaded the fast food chain at around 6:00pm and stayed for a full hour charming the customers.

Cashier Danica Drew said, “When Layla came in with her children, the place just livened up immediately. Those kids were running around the dining room, yelling, pushing and punching each other, pulling each other’s hair. They weren’t shy either. They’d run right up to people and scream at ‘em. It was so fun watching those little scamps. Then once their food was ordered, they had a good old fashioned food fight right there in the dining room. They threw everything; fries, hamburgers, drinks. We’re still trying to get those shake and root beer stains out of the carpet. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do right?”

“I’m telling you,” commented senior citizen Gert Metzger. “Those little whippersnappers were delightful. Take that little brown haired boy with the runny nose. I was eating my burger when he comes up and yells in my ear. My hearing aid started whining and I dropped my burger on the floor. Then the little dickens used my shirt sleeve as his Kleenex and wiped his nose all over it. That ragamuffin sure got me good. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?”

Mechanic Al Stanley said, “Well I was sitting on the toilet, reading the latest issue of Cosmo, when all of a sudden I hear all these footsteps. It sounded like a herd of buffalo. Then one of those delightful little sprites kicked open the door and much to my delight all six kids were standing there watching me take a dump and laughing. Then they left the stall door open and went screaming out of the rest room leaving the rest room door wide open to boot. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?… I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…those goddamned little %$^%&#@*((*&&*!*(**@&$.”

Cooper said that she has tried to discipline her kids, but she claims it doesn’t work. “I’ve tried to make ‘em mind, but they just got minds of their own,” said Cooper as she took a drag off her cigarette. “And each of the kid’s fathers ain’t around anymore. Why my last boyfriend ain’t even seen little Chance. That’s him over there, tipping over the trash can. He’s strong for a two year old ain’t he? My current boyfriend and I are trying to have another kid. He’s got a good job, too. He’s a stock boy over at Juggermart. He’s really good to the kids, too, although I’ve seen him letting A.J. have some of his beer. A.J.’s only nine, you know. Angela! Put mama’s cigarettes down honey pie. You’re not supposed to smoke until high school. Besides, everybody just loves my kids. They’re not bad. They’re just spirited and energetic. Yeah, that’s it; spirited and energetic.” She paused and took the cigarette lighter away from Angela. “Besides, we like it here at Bucky’s. We’ll probably come back here next Monday.”

Cashier Drew, upon hearing of Cooper’s upcoming visit, immediately requested the following Monday off.

The Powah of TV

We’re sick of current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

There is enormous power in television and visual media. All it takes is one appearance on tv or visual media, whether it’s a commercial, local news or even Youtube, and a normal everyday human being becomes a star; a person somehow better than everyone else just because he or she appeared in front of a camera at the right time and place. Yes – we humans are a strange bunch aren’t we.

This article is from our March 13, 2005 issue.

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggly brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “Like I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”

A Little Too Retro

We’re still fed up with current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

Nostalgia never goes out of style. People become middle aged and fondly remember their younger years when things weren’t so complex. People now are nostalgic about the 90s, if you can believe that; that golden era when Bill Clinton fooled around with anything in a skirt, the Macarena was actually a thing and watching Frasier on TV was still enjoyable. But sometimes people take going retro a little too far.

This article is from our August 15, 2004 issue.

Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro

Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the ’70s: the 1870s that is.

Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed mustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.

“What’s with that dude?” asked Candy Bergman. “He shows up to all our parties dressed like he’s Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like ‘Good evening, my lady!’ I don’t what he’s thinking but that gentleman crap doesn’t work with the women of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either ‘ho’ or bitch. That works for me anyway.”

Resident Mike Fernald said, “That guy’s got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it’s 110 degrees outside and he’s wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro’s cool if you’re, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man.”

Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. “That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody’s wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can’t dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you.” Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.

Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. “I must say that I’m truly vexed by their attitude. I’m only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan’t lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I’m late for my evening constitutional.”

Parental Delusions

We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes…

Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth control.

Here’s an article from our May 31, 2006 issue.

Local Couple Has Best Baby Ever

Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.

“There is no question about it,” said Austin smugly. “Our baby is superior in every way. He’s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he’s only six months old. He’s performing at a nine month old level. I’m telling you he’s a genius.”

Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. “Oh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He’ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be…dare I say…an American Idol.”

Austin’s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise’s baby or that ‘Brangelina’ baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.”

However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner’s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, “Oh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He’s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I’d say he’s going to do 5 to 10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He’s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there’s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That’s why I’m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she’s the best baby in the world.”

Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters’ claim. “There is no way Rhonda’s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I’m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we’ll all see who’s the most perfect baby in the whole world!”

Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, “Okay! You think your baby is better than mine, we’ll see about that. I’m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!”

When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.

Super Fan Has The ‘Powah’

The Super Bowl is coming up this week, right here in Arizona. Just like there are people who think they can control events in other parts of the world with the ‘powah of prayer’, there are certain Super Fans who think they can actually influence events on a football field. We thought only Zeus, Odin, God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster could affect sporting contests. You live and learn. Here’s an article from our September 25, 2003 issue about a Super Fan with the ‘powah’.

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday’s Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

“I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday,” said the sixty year old Poston. “It was the first quarter and I was thinking, ‘Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin’ and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it’s touchdown Cardinals!”

“Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, ‘The Cardinals really need to stop him.’ And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!”

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston’s contributions. “Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev’s voice in my head saying, ‘throw the ball, throw the ball’. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up.”

Dexter Jackson concurred. “Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her voice in my head saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit.”

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo’s breakup.

Holy Shit!

It’s been awhile since we’ve posted some of our old satire articles from 2003-2009. So we’re going to start posting them more often, maybe a couple times a week. To start things off, in the wake of the religious fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, here’s one from our Religious BS file dated June 2, 2003.

Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary

Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.

“I was taking a dump,” said Torres. “And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I’m like ‘Look in the bowl’ and she said ‘I don’t want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!’ and I’m like ‘No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary’ and she squints down into the bowl and says ‘Dios Mio! It’s a miracle!'”

Many people are now making pilgrimages to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.

“I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector’s shit,” said Maria Torres. “It’s like she is saying to us, ‘Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.’ We are truly blessed!”

Hector’s brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. “The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can’t sleep at night. We can’t take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging.”

Hector’s other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and daughter, said, “I’m tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don’t get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my… quiet time.” He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, “I may go to Hell, but if Hector don’t flush that thing soon, I’m going to flush it myself!”

Cactus Corners Forecast – September 12, 2012

The 100+ temps keep-a-coming here in Cactus Corners. Soon it will be in the 90s. Whew!

Here’s the unrelenting forecast for this week.

Cactus Corners Forecast – August 29, 2012

Hurricane Isaac is hitting the Gulf states, but the 105+ degree heat continues here in Cactus Corners. Aren’t we lucky? Don’t answer that.

Here’s the sizzling forecast for this week.

Cactus Corners Forecast – August 14, 2012

The kids have gone back to school and the hot, muggy, 110+ degree weather continues. Does it get any better than this? Don’t answer that!

Here’s the shocking forecast for this week.