Archive for BilgeBucket Lists

Rewind: Rejected Indiana Jones Movie Titles

June 5, 2023 bb_admin Articles:Hollywood BS, BilgeBucket Lists

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Back in August 2011 there was talk about doing a fifth Indiana Jones movie which prompted us to post a BilgeBucket List we did originally in our September 10, 2007 issue listing the top rejected movie titles for the fourth Indiana Jones movie which was subsequently released in 2008 as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and predictably made zillions of dollars. And this was when Harrison Ford was a spry and youthful 69 years old. Now he’s 80 and the fifth Indiana Jones movie has come to fruition with the name Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. Quite frankly, our list of titles is a lot funnier and more age appropriate so here’s a repost of the top rejected Indiana Jones movie titles featuring super senior citizen Harrison Ford.

  • Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Social Security
  • Indiana Jones Has Fallen and He Can’t Get Up
  • Indiana Jones and the Jewels of the Senile
  • Indiana Jones Adventure at Luby’s Buffet
  • Indiana Jones: Prostate of Fury
  • Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Medicare Form
  • Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Car Keys
  • Indiana Jones and the Dentures from Hell
  • Indiana Jones and the Diaper of Doom
  • Indiana Jones: Dude, Where’s My Preparation-H?
  • Indiana Jones and the Quest for Low Cost Health Insurance
  • Indiana Jones and the Treasure of Viagra Madre
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Rewind: Top Revelations In The DaVinci Code

April 11, 2023 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, Wide World O' Wacky

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Since the evangelical christians and conspiracy minded QAnon wingnuts have taken over the GOP we’ve decided to repost a BilgeBucket List from our May 31, 2006 edition when we reported on the top revelations of the movie The DaVinci Code. This film threw a lot of christan groups and conspiracy buffs into royal hissy fits. The blockbuster by Ron Howard, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, opened to huge box office numbers. Its opening week raked in $224 million worldwide. The controversial book elicited complaints from the Catholic Church and other christian organizations because it speculates that Jesus actually married Mary Magdalene and has descendants walking among us today. But there were other juicy tidbits as well. So, here are those shocking and totally not made up revelations in no particular order.

  • Jesus and Mary Magdalene had two children named Wally and ‘The Beav’
  • Peter always walked around au natural at meetings which annoyed all the other apostles except James . . . Hmmmmm
  • The beverage served at the Last Supper: Zima
  • Emperor Constantine legalized Christianity at the Council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. and also penned the classic Disco hit “Get Down Tonight”
  • Zeus is the one true God
  • Jesus liked to wear his hair in braids, adorn himself with bling and rap with his homies when he wasn’t performing miracles
  • JFK was killed by space aliens
  • Judas annoyingly ended everybody’s sentences by saying “That’s what she said!”
  • The Mona Lisa was smiling because DaVinci’s fly was open while he was painting her
  • The world was created by leprechauns
  • Opus Dei members get a special member discount at Walmart
  • Elvis is alive and well and managing a Burger King in Tuscaloosa
  • The original message scribbled under the Mona Lisa: “So Dark The Wrath of Khan”
  • The Holy Grail is actually a big ass beer stein located in Munich’s Hofbrau House
  • Black helicopters are really more of a midnight blue
  • The current Grand Master of The Priory of Sion: Pauly Shore

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Rewind: Rejected Super Bowl XL Halftime Shows

February 9, 2023 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, Wide World O' Wacky

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

BilgeBucket Lists were a staple for our site between 2005 and 2009. They’re basically our version of Top Ten Lists which were made popular by David Letterman on his Late Show. We’ve already reposted many lists in our category BilgeBucket Lists. Since Super Bowl LVII is coming up this week right here in Arizona, we’ve decided to do our part in building excitement and repost a list from out January 11, 2006 issue which delved into the top rejected halftime shows for Super Bowl XL which took place in Detroit, Michigan between Pittsburgh and Seattle. The halftime show of that Super Bowl featured the Rolling Stones. Just two years prior, the infamous wardrobe malfunction took place. By perusing our list below, just think of the glorious entertainment we might have had.

  • Kevin Federline performs the soon to be smash hits from his upcoming CD while reclining in his La-Z-Boy
  • The Performance Art Group The Masturbators
  • Clem Haywood and his Farting Pigs
  • Howler monkeys reenact the entire first half of gridiron action
  • Kalamazoo resident Fanny Jean Jones crochets a stylish poncho…LIVE!…ONSTAGE!
  • Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay and Dennis Hastert do a snappy song and dance routine to Jailhouse Rock
  • Tom Cruise jumps up and down on a couch while demonstrating his many cocky poses
  • Laura Bush performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
  • Hillary Clinton performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
  • William Huong and Celine Dion sing a medley of Clay Aiken hits
  • Poetry Slam featuring Donald Rumsfeld reciting the poems of 50 Cent
  • Janet Jackson exposes Justin Timberlake’s breasts
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The Seven Wonders Of Cactus Corners, Arizona

July 11, 2016 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, Wide World O' Wacky

And now for something completely different…

With all the depressing daily shootings that are going on, we thought we’d do something Pythonesquely different and devote some attention to summer travel and tourism. We haven’t done a BilgeBucket List for some time, so we decided to highlight our fair burg of Cactus Corners, Arizona, just in time for the sweltering 110+ degree heat. Everyone’s heard of the Seven Wonders of the World. Our little corner of the desert has some splendid attractions, well worth your tourist dollar. So, in an effort to educate the world on the awe-inspiring splendors that make Cactus Corners such a miserable hell hole, America’s trendiest suburb, here is a list of the Seven Wonders of Cactus Corners.

  • Delores Romanowski’s Five Story Compost Heap
  • The Hubcap Dinosaur Statue at Prospector Pete’s Gold Mine Ride & Fun-o-torium
  • Raul’s Sex Emporium’s Tower, which looks like a giant penis
  • The Mechanical Gila Monster on the ninth hole at J.J.’s Putt-o-rama
  • The flock of pink flamingo lawn ornaments at Cactus Trailer Park Supplies
  • The melted ice cream stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch
  • The melted ice cream stain of Elvis next to the melted ice cream stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch
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Top Holiday Gifts For 2013

December 16, 2013 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, In Guns We Trust

The holiday season is in full swing. If you haven’t spent yourself into bankruptcy yet and are still looking for the right gift for that special someone in your life, look no further. Our intrepid staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Take this to the mall and don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads. Holiday shopping is dangerous!

  • An Official Miley Cyrus Foam Finger
  • A painting by George W. Bush of George W. Bush in the bathtub
  • ‘Moby Dick’ by Rand Paul
  • The NSA Super Snooper Spy Kit – For Kids
  • Ted Cruz’s new fragrance: Arrogant Ass
  • A lump of coal autographed by Dick Cheney
  • ‘The Great Gatsby’ by Rand Paul
  • Sarah Palin’s Book ‘Good Tidings and Great Joy’ Yule Log
  • ‘Kwanzaa For Dummies’ by Paula Deen
  • A Carlos Danger Action Figure with Realistic Twerkin’ Motion
  • Walter White’s Meth Starter Kit – For Kids
  • ‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Rand Paul
  • A ‘Jesus was a Liberal’ T-Shirt (blatant capitalistic plug)
  • Guns, guns and more guns
  • Healthcare

 

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Top Royal Baby Names

July 23, 2013 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, Wide World O' Wacky

The world is going nuts over Royal Baby Mania! Why? We have no idea. For some reason, people are going gaga because some rich, privileged young couple, who happen to be a duke and duchess in an archaic, mostly for show monarchy that has no relevance in a modern democratic world, have just had their first son. Yay!  Now comes the hard part. What name are they going to give this lil’ guvnuh and future King of Britannia. Well, we’ve thought about this a long time…ahem…actually we just slapped it together at the last second…and we’ve come up with a jolly good list of names for the lil’ bloke. We can hear it now…(trumpet clarion) Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting to you…

  • Prince ‘Enery
  • Prince Spanky
  • Prince Wang Peng 
  • Prince Nigel Smythe Googlyham Witherford Helmsley
  • Prince Big Unit
  • Prince Voldemort
  • Prince Bubba
  • Prince Funkmaster G
  • Prince Slappy
  • Prince Snake
  • Prince Jesus
  • Prince Prince
  • Prince Dick
  • Prince Awesomeo
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Top Republican Suggestions For Better Conservation

March 26, 2013 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists, Compassionate CONservatives, Grand Old Plutocrats, Neocon Media Circus

The St. Ronald Reagan Institute For Real Science has recently released a new and improved guide to conservation, Republican style, called “Neoconservation”. The BilgeBucket Gazette presents to you some of the suggestions and fascinating findings stated in the report.

  • Go out and buy a Hummer. NOW!
  • Support your local utility company. Leave the lights on.
  • Smog is good for you. Trees cause pollution. Go cut down a tree.
  • Extinction is perfectly natural. The polar bear’s gonna die out eventually anyway.
  • Crude oil is a necessary part of a caribou’s diet.
  • Global warming is good for the planet and the economy. Just think of all the land in Antarctica that can be developed if the ice caps melt.
  • Less ozone means better suntans.
  • It’s our God given right as Americans to drill for and use every drop of oil on the planet.
  • America has plenty of mountains. We can spare two, three or fifty for mining.
  • Acid rain scrubs your body clean.
  • Factories are our friends. Go hug a smokestack.
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Top Titles And Plots For Future Bourne Movies

July 20, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Hollywood BS, BilgeBucket Lists

The new movie, The Bourne Legacy, is due to open in theaters in August. However, in this movie, the action will revolve around a new character, Aaron Cross and not Jason Bourne, the former CIA assassin, turned rogue agent. This movie will surely be a blockbuster and the Bourne franchise will probably continue well into the future much like the James Bond series. Everybody loves a good spy film, right? Well, the BilgeBucket staff has come up with a list of suggested titles and plots for upcoming movies in the Bourne universe. If Hollywood chooses these gems, the movies are sure to be a smashing success!

  • New Bourne King – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Jesus
  • The Bourne Losers – Bourne gets amnesia and becomes a member of the Kansas City Royals
  • Bourne on the Fourth of July – Bourne get amnesia and thinks he’s James Cagney
  • Bourne to Run – Bourne gets amnesia and a chronic case of diarrhea
  • Bourne to be Wild – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Lady Gaga
  • First Bourne – Bourne regains his memory temporarily and remembers his days as a schoolyard assassin
  • Bourne Again – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a televangelist
  • Water Bourne – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a dolphin
  • A Star is Bourne – Bourne gets amnesia and becomes the toast of Broadway starring as Eliza Doolittle in a revival of My Fair Lady
  • Bourne Free – Bourne gets amnesia and tries to live as a lion on the savannahs of Africa
  • Bourne on the Bayou – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a Cajun crocodile farmer
  • To the Manor Bourne – Bourne gets amnesia and has bawdy adventures as a well heeled gentleman in merry old England
  • Natural Bourne Killers – Bourne gets amnesia and confronts a whole slew of people who just want to kill him (Wait…that’s the plot for the first three movies)
  • Bourne Yesterday – Bourne gets amnesia and time travels back to The Bourne Identity and relives his adventures from his first movie
  • Bourne and Bread – Bourne gets amnesia and makes lots of dough as a baker

 

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Top Alternative Summer Vacation Destinations For 2012

July 3, 2012 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists

It’s summertime again in America. Its time for kids to take a break from school and adults to take a break from work to head out of town for a week or two and visit top tourist destinations such as Disneyland, Six Flags Amusement Parks and the dozens of beautiful National Parks which dot our great land. But there are many alternative destinations that are off the beaten path which deserve mention and visitation. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of these unconventional locales for 2012. So pack up your things…it’s time to go road tripping! And no complaining or we’ll turn this article around and go back. For more strange attractions, go to Roadside America.

  • The Wisconsin Cheese Repository in Gouda Vista, Wisconsin
  • Dow Chemical’s Pond of Mystery, Piscataway, New Jersey
  • Three Story Outhouse, Sticksville, North Dakota
  • World’s Largest Zit on Megan Roberts’ forehead, Irvine, California (Oh my God! It’s like so huge!)
  • Prostitution Monument, Morningwood, Nevada
  • America’s Smelliest Jail, Swelterburg, Mississippi
  • Fetid Gulch, Texas: Roach Capital of the World
  • Grosse Margine, Michigan: Birthplace of Accounting
  • Laxative Museum at Del Weaver’s Twilight City Retirement Community, La Popa, Florida
  • Little Kenny Dawson’s Dead Sparrow in a Shoe Box, 723 Adams St, Butler, Illinois
  • The Palace of Debilitating Despair, Toledo, Ohio
  • Grandpa Wally’s Liquor Bottle Village, Big Little Horn, Montana
  • Atom and Eve’s Nuclear Waste Dump and Health Spa, Glowing Sage, Nevada
  • House Made of Tampons, Kotex, Florida
  • Hall of Idiots, Morons and Felons, Capitol Building, Washington D.C.

 

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Top New Names For The Washington Redskins

April 10, 2012 bb_admin BilgeBucket Lists

Native Americans have long taken offense with many professional sports teams with team names that reference their culture, sometimes in a derogatory manner. The biggest offenders who are usually mentioned are the Cleveland Indians(Chief Wahoo), Atlanta Braves(Chief Knock-a-homa) and the Washington Redskins. We think that the worst offender in this group is definitely the Redskins. The term Redskin is an offensive slur even to people of non-Native-American persuasion. Imagine calling a professional sports team in San Diego the Spics or a team from New York the Kikes or a team from Milwaukee the Honkies. It’s just not a good idea!  In basketball, the Washington Bullets changed their name to the Washington Wizards because they wanted to distance themselves from a reference to violence. Would it be so horrible for Washington to change the team name to something like the Warriors or some other name which appropriately reflects the city’s stature as the nation’s capital and political and military center? Well, the Bucket is here to help. Here’s a list of possible new team names for the Washington Redskins.

  • Washington Blowhards
  • Washington Kickbacks
  • Washington Intern Bangers
  • Washington SuperPACs
  • D.C. Cherry Blossoms (complete with pink, lavender and red uniforms)
  • D.C. Cabs
  • Washington Gasbags
  • Washington Lobbyists
  • Washington Generals (oops! Already taken!)
  • Washington Rear Admirals
  • Washington Snollygosters
  • Capital Critters
  • Capital Offenses
  • Washington Influence Peddlers
  • Washington Supremes
  • Washington Crooks

 

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