We were scanning through our archives recently and we noticed this article about the foibles of working in corporate America from our January 11, 2006 issue. You see, workers have been getting screwed for some time now and, unfortunately, this article still works for today like it did in 2006. The beat goes on . . . and on . . . and on . . .
Juggermart Holds Exciting New Lottery For Lunch Breaks
In response to recent court cases complaining of its employees not being able to take lunch breaks, retail giant Juggermart, has announced a new lottery for employees to ‘win’ full half hour lunch breaks.
Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, explained the new system. “This lottery will allow five employees per store the chance to have a full half hour lunch break for the day. A full half hour lunch break! This is great news for the employees who win. This means the lucky employee will not only be able to choke down their tuna fish sandwich, but he’ll also be able to wash it down with a refreshing beverage from one of our store soda vending machines, where every drinks sell for the low, low price of $1.00 for a 12 ounce can. The employees who don’t win will continue to get their regular ten minutes, not including rest room break. The employee will also be required to purchase their lottery ticket at the low, low price of two dollars per ticket. I mean who wouldn’t want a full half hour lunch break? With this fantastic program, geared for today’s worker, nobody can say that I’m not generous.”
Consumer advocate Clarence Simons said, “This is an outrage! Not only does Juggermart pay barely above minimum wage to it’s employees and forces them to work over forty hours a week without extra pay, they’re now stuffing this down the employee’s throat. Pretty soon the workers in this country will have no recourse whatsoever. I don’t know how Lawrence T. Juggers can sleep at night. If they didn’t have such low, low prices, I’d never shop there again.”
Employees had mixed reaction to the new ‘Lunch Lotto’ promotion. Sales clerk Dale McDougall at the Ft. Dinsdale, New Jersey store, said, “Well it would be nice to have a enough time to eat a sandwich. And to have a bathroom break so I don’t have to hold my pee all day long. And to have health care. And to see my wife and kids during waking hours. And to be able to pay my mortgage, even though I’m working seventy hours a week. But I’m just a lowly sales clerk. I’m sure Mr. Juggers knows what’s good for me better than I do.”
Cashier Fern Stack, of Juggermart’s Blythe, California store, said, “So let me get this straight. We have to pay two goddamn dollars for the lottery ticket and only five employees per store per day win a measly half hour lunch break while the rest of the employees continue to get ten friggin’minutes . . . as long as Juggermart keeps its low, low prices, I’m good!”
Store greeter Lou Farmer at the Winchester, Mississippi store, said “I’ve always wondered what it was like being a slave like my great-great-great grandfather. Now I know. Thanks Juggermart!”
Stock clerk Bessy Kuhlander at the Poedunk, Iowa store, said, “Oh, boy. I think it is a great idea. Mr. Juggers has certainly shown me why he is the boss. What a generous man. I sure hope I’m able to win the ‘Lunch Lotto’ one day and get a whole half hour to eat my lunch. I certainly hope Mr. Juggers remembers my kind words when he is filling the position of head stock clerk.”