Archive for October 30, 2011

Rewind: Halloween 2003

It’s Halloween again and speaking of ghouls and goblins we got to reminiscing about those glorious days of the Bush Administration. Here’s a photo-toon from our November 6, 2003 issue, when Dubya threw the mother of all Halloweenie parties at the White House. Those conservatives sure know how to party!

The Deficit and the Iraq Occupation make a surprise appearance at the Bush Administration's wacky Halloween party.

 

Jindal, Jangle, Jingle

More Political BS…

Remember Republican Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal? Well he just won re-election by a landslide. Which has us here at the Bucket wondering if he’ll be the next Republican candidate to join in the fun that is Con-a-thon 2012. He was very highly touted by the GOP in 2009 until he gave his rebuttal to President Obama’s state of the union address. Could he be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans?  Here’s an article and photo-toon from our April 8, 2009 issue to refresh our memories.

Jindal Sez It’s Okay To Want Democrat Presidents To Fail

Republican Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, who was widely panned by both parties for his less than stellar rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union address, defended Rush Limbaugh and others who have openly wished President Obama to fail with his agenda at a recent press conference.

“Boys and girls of the United States of America,” said Jindal in a mild sing-song voice, wearing a casual red sweater, tie, slacks and sneakers. “We truly are living in exciting times aren’t we? We’ve got the very first African American President; we’ve got another thrilling season of American Idol; and our economy is on the verge of completely saying bye-bye. But you know what isn’t exciting? It’s when people say other people shouldn’t say things. And that’s what’s happening today boys and girls. Poor Republican party members like Boss Rush Limhogg are yelled at for saying innocent things like ‘I want President Obama to fail’. Poor Boss Limhogg. Poor Republicans. Why are we conservatives always the victim of mean attacks by the liberal media? That’s right boys and girls; like that sweet angel Ann Coulter says, the liberal media is bad and they’re out to get us.”

“Now I know what some of you liberals are thinking. You’re saying well didn’t Republicans say during the Bush presidency that we should always support the President no matter what? Didn’t the Republicans say things like ‘you’re either for us or against us’ or ‘people need to watch what they say’? Didn’t the Republicans say Democrats supported the terrorists? Well, yes but that was different. We had a great, brave, Republican President back then named George W. Bush. Yaaaaay! Now we have an evil, liberal, Democrat as President. Remember how bad President Clinton was? Booooooo! That means it’s perfectly okay for all good American boys and girls to say to the President, ‘You’re a liberal and you obviously hate America. Just look how much you made Glenn Beck cry. You’re a bad, bad man, so I hope you fail.’ It’s just that simple.”

“All us poor, persecuted Republicans are saying is that the only way to heal our nation’s boo-boos is with tax cuts. Yes boys and girls, tax cuts to the wealthiest of Americans are like medicine that will make all our owies better real soon. You see, rich people know best about spending and investing money, so they should have more of it. You shouldn’t have to worry your pretty little heads about something hard like investing. The smart, rich people will do that and the money will trickle down to you…in about 70 to 100 years. Giving money to dumb things like volcano monitoring and alternative transportation will only make us sad. And we want to be happy don’t we boys and girls? Besides who do you trust more: the big, bad, evil tax and spend liberal Democrat government…booooooo; or the nice, rich, corporate CEOs who only want a happy stock market…yaaaaaay! I think you all know the answer to that.”

Prominent Republicans voiced support for Jindal. Fox News personality Glenn Beck said, “This Jindal guy truly understands what it means to be a conservative Republican. I think St. Ronald Reagan would be proud. Oh God. Here I go again. I’m getting misty.” He then paused and wiped a small, small tear from his eye. “God Bless America. God Bless America.” Fellow Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly rushed over and gave Beck a consoling hug. Then O’Reilly barked to the cameras, “Are you happy now, liberals?!”

Republican Party Boss, Rush Limhogg said, “I like this Jindal kid. He’s a good, useful little lackey. He knows his place. Hey! Steele! Get back here! You missed a spot on my boots. And take off your hat! I need an ashtray.”

Most conservative Republicans from all over the country responded favorably to Jindal’s statement. Todd Murphy of Rancid Holler, Georgia said, “Oh man I feel so…ummm…what’s the word I’m lookin’ fer…good. I mean I think that the Democrats are so …ummm…bad. But what Jindal done said, I think Republicans will do real….ummm…good.”

Pete Junkins of Curtisvilleton, Missouri said, “I like Jindal and all but I’m still gonna vote for Sarah Palin in 2012. I hear she hunts wolves in a bikini. Man that’s so hot!”

Jean Grayhill of Felderkarb, Tennessee said, “He talks to me like I’m an eight year old and you know what…I like it. The easier my leaders make it for me to understand, the better. I really don’t like thinking all that much. Oh look; a shiny nickel. I’m going to stare at it for a while.”

Reverend Fred Devlin of Dillweed, Virginia said, “I think with a Jindal-Palin ticket in 2012, we will most definitely see the Rapture. Come and get us Lord!”

Jeb Dean Bob Jones of Burnt Cesspool, Texas said, “All I know is I just got done watching Glenn Beck and I can’t stand to see a grown man fake cry like a little lady. I’m ready to join the revolution. President Chuck Norris of Texas forever! Where’s my AK-47? Yeeeeeee-haaaaaawwwww!”

Jindal closed his conference by saying, “Now everybody get to bed now and dream little dreams of fast cars, guns and Jesus. Sleep tight and don’t let the liberals bite.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal addresses the good little boys and girls of the United States on the Republican cure for all of our nation's owies. Yay!

Boss Limhogg Barks Orders To GOP Lackeys

Here’s some political BS from our March 7, 2009 issue.

Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh took a bold step last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington D.C. and proclaimed himself head of the Republican party. Limbaugh, sporting a black cowboy hat and southern style suit, announced that he would know like to be known as Boss Limhogg to which the crowd of sycophantic Republicans howled with an approving “gkew-gkew-gkew”.

“My fellow conservatives,” croaked Limhogg. “Remember back during the Iraq War when I said that we should never criticize the President and how un-American that would be. Well, screw that! We are the last bastions of true patriotic Americans and it is our duty to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama, the magic Negro, fails at everything he does as President. He doesn’t truly represent Americans; he wasn’t even born in this country. His socialist agenda would be catastrophic for our poor bankers and Wall Street CEOs who are fighting valiantly to preserve the plutocracy that we’ve worked so hard to establish. He even wants to help those homeowners who were stupid enough to take those risky loans instead of the money lenders who bravely offered them. Why it’s the second coming of Stalin I tells ya!”

New RNC Chairman Michael ‘Roscoe’ Steele was the first to acknowledge Limbaugh’s unquestioned superiority. “I apologize for ever saying Mr. Limhogg was ugly or even worse, an entertainer. He’s the finest American I know and I am proud to be his right hand flunkey. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Georgia GOP Representative, Phil Gingrey, who openly criticized the radio personality in January, offered nothing but flattery. “I’m so sorry about ever saying anything negative about Boss. You’re the smartest person ever and I’ll always ask your advice on every issue from now on. I love you Rush, I truly do! Oh please forgive me Rush! Please oh please oh please! Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Many big names in the Republican Party raved about the new Boss. Former disgraced Republican Congressman Tom Delay praised Limhogg loudly and strongly. “Boss Limhogg is a great role model and I know all about role models since I am one. Every American should want to be like Rush: overweight, obnoxious, crass, rude, hypocritical, egotistical, and drug addicted. Why the world be a lot better place if we were. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Evangelist Pat Robertson said, “Why if Jesus Christ was right here in front of me, which he hopefully will be very soon, he’d be saying that Rush is what Christianity is all about. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani gushed, “I love Rush’s makeover. He looks like Boss Hogg and Johnny Cash all in one. I can see why he gets all the babes. Why if I were dressed up like a woman right now, I’d be all over that stylish tub of goo. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Dittoheads also expressed their support for Boss Limhogg. Cletus Dillman of Scarlet Thorax, Texas said, “I can’t stand the idea of being socialist. Everyone being equal and sharing things? As a Christian, I find that idea very offensive.”

Farley Kerwood of Beetle Meadows, Georgia said, “Ugggh. Rush good. Obama bad. Me hungry. Me want beer.”

Darryl Hull of Rebel Falls, Mississippi said, “I listen to Boss Limhogg everyday and I think he is such a regular guy. I would love to get together with El Rushbo and have a beer with him. That is if he ever steps foot outside his Palm Beach mansion or gets off the golf course at his country club. But I’m sure he’d acknowledge my presence.”

Boss Limhogg then dismissed his fawning minions. “In closing, we’ve got to get those Obama boys and keep our moonshine…er…money safe for all of Hazzard Coun…er…I mean the United States of America. Now everyone form a line so that you may come up here and kiss my ass” to which the audience gave a resounding “gkew, gkew gkew”.

New self-appointed Republican head honcho Boss Limhogg, dressed stylishly in his Boss Hogg/Johnny Cash ensemble, keeps his lackey, new RNC Chairman Michael "Roscoe" Steele in line.

The True Media Darlings Protest

The big question on the blogosphere these days is which protest group is the one true protest group that America can embrace and call its own, the Occupy Wall Street movement or the Teabaggers. While it has been been reported that some Teabaggers actually showed up to show their support, most have been complaining that the OWS movement is nothing like their sparkling example of how a true, red-blooded, American protest group should act. Could it be that the Teabaggers are green with envy besides being green with cash from corporate backing? Will the real Patriots please stand up!

Cactus Corners Teabaggers Harold and Martha Kowalski respond with derision rather than solidarity for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Shows Tonight on CSPAN

What’s this? Why its a new What’s on Tonight TV Listing. Since the OWS movement has taken off, we’re wondering what’s on the channel which covers the antics of America’s corporate lackeys.

Shows Tonight on CSPAN

7:00pm Bribery 101
7:30pm Conning Your Constituents That You Give a Rat’s Ass About Them
8:00pm Getting The Most From Your Lobbyist
8:30pm Great Moments in Corruption: Tom Delay’s Moolah Laundromat
9:00pm Kickbacks and Relax: The Best Caribbean Tax Havens
9:30pm Congress After Dark: Interns Gone Wild

Con-a-thon 2012

The Republican comedy tour continues this fall and now it looks like there is a new front runner. Former pizza magnate Herman Cain, has surged to the top of Republican polls touting his plan 999 from outer space in order to save the planet. Sounds like another flavor of the month to us.

We’ve held off as long as we could, but we’re going to start our coverage of the upcoming election, Con-a-thon 2012. Today we present the leading GOP comedians candidates: Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Mitt(Spiff) Romney, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich.

Poor, Distressed Wealthy Respond To Evil, Unjust OWS Movement

Occupy Wall Street has gone world wide and is gaining momentum. The 99% now have demonstrations going strong in every major world city from Phoenix to Toronto to Brussels to Berlin to Madrid to Auckland, New Zealand.  And what does the media do. They’re still asking questions like “What do these people want?”, “How can they be taken seriously without leadership?”,  and saying things like “They’re just lazy and don’t want to work”. Well, what do expect from the mouthpieces for those poor, oppressed, unfortunate %1ers.

But finally, we’re starting to hear from those hapless, persecuted, underrepresented 1%ers. Hopefully, justice will prevail and bank, insurance and oil companies will continue making billions and not have to pay taxes. We wouldn’t want their executives to go without their yachts, luxury car fleets and caviar. Egads! How could those poor wretches survive?

MegaloCorpBank CEO J. Charles Harrington IV, finally weighs in with compassion for the vile, brutish, beastly 99% from the poor, misunderstood, underrepresented 1%.

 

After MASH and After Frasier?

Here’s an article from our May 9, 2004 issue.

Frasier Planning Spinoff Show

Friends isn’t the only show getting a spinoff series. NBC announced this week that Frasier supporting characters, Gil Chesterton, Bulldog Briscoe and Noel Shempsky will star in the new sitcom, After Frasier, which will be set in a casino in Laughlin, Nevada.

“This show will be a blockbuster just like Joey,” said NBC executive Biff Jones. “People love seeing characters they’re familiar with, in new, exciting surroundings. After Frasier has everything. Gil, Bulldog and Noel were extremely popular characters and we have no doubt that the show will be a smash hit. Plus you never know what Frasier cast members will drop in for a visit. This also gives Kelsey Grammer the chance to keep the Frasier Crane character going for another ten years, just in case his other projects don’t work out.”

The premise of the show will revolve around Bulldog (Dan Butler) moving to Laughlin to take care of his ailing father (played by Ed Asner), a former cop who got shot and likes to gamble and drink beer. As it turns out, Gil Chesterton (Edward Hibbert) gets a new job as the food critic in a local casino. Noel Shempsky (Patrick Kerr) joins the fun when he pursues his life long dream of performing as a Klingon in the Laughlin production of the Star Trek musical, The Phantom Of The Enterprise. Together, the four bachelors will have many wacky adventures living it up in Sin City Jr.

Frasier fans were ecstatic about the news. “Oh sure. Everyone talked about Fraiser and Niles or Niles and Daphne,” said Beatrice Tilden of Albany, New York. “But for me, it was that spark between Noel and Roz that kept me tuning in week after week.”

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t believe it! Gil Chesterton lives on! In a casino! Now this is ‘Must See TV’!
I am so there!”

“We’re so confident that this show will score, we’re putting it in Friends old spot,” said Jones. “Take that reality shows!” Jones then pumped his fist and yelled, “Boo-yaa!”

Earl Heiniemann’s BigAss Hammock

A SKYMart product from our August 31, 2006 issue:

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

The latest reports indicate that over 60 percent of Americans are obese. Since Americans are becoming bigger and bigger, larger leisure furniture is an absolute necessity. The BigAss Hammock is the perfect solution for today’s larger girthed Americans. Just conveniently hang your BigAss Hammock on any nearby suspension bridge and Voila! You’re ready for a nice afternoon snooze. Hell, snooze all day! The BigAss Hammock is just the latest quality product from the leader in trendy toys for the donut loving, hamburger snarfing, beer guzzling, BigAss American; Earl Heiniemann. Sale Price: $75.2 million. Price does not include bridge reconstruction costs.

Top Exciting Events During A Cricket Match

Autumn is here and the baseball playoffs are in full swing. So of course it’s time for a BilgeBucket List about … cricket?  Here’s one from our December 19th, 2004 issue, the one done completely by our outsourced Indian staff member, Sanjay Tandoori.

Cricket is one of the most popular games in the world. It is played in England, Australia, India and other countries throughout Asia and Africa. Though similar to America’s baseball, it is decidedly different. There is much action in the six hour matches, which make cricket a non-stop thrill-a-thon. Sanjay Tandoori, a big cricket fan, has compiled a list of some of the exciting plays that may occur during a cricket match. Hold onto your wickets, mates!

  • Getting four wickets to skittle your foe
  • Winning a Test two balls into the fourth day
  • Removing your opponent with a jaffer
  • Scoring a run by googling a six
  • Getting caught from behind by the wicket keeper
  • Sledging your opponent with mental disintegration
  • Taking a wicked full blooded at a grubber
  • Scoring a century off a pie thrower
  • When a quickie bowls a maiden
  • Seeing a chucker with no balls
  • Watching India’s greatest player, Sachin Tendulkar, whack a lofted past the long off
  • When the nightwatchman knicks a googly off the hand of the silly mid off
  • Getting a sticky wicket