Archive for Articles:Political BS

Rewind: Dubya’s 2007 SOTU Speechifying

American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump finally gave his State of the Union address this past week after having it postponed due to the shutdown of the government for 35 days  because he wanted his unnecessary border wall. In typical Republican fashion, he pleaded for unity while simultaneously bashing the Democrats for the Russia probe or as Don the Con called it ‘partisan investigations’.

This reminded us of a similar State of the Union address by none other than ol’ Dubya after the GOP got thumped in the 2006 elections because of the Republicans’ disastrous policies during the Bush administration. In that SOTU, Bush trashed the Democrats while all of a sudden supporting things like healthcare and climate change. (For a hilarious breakdown of that 2007 event, watch Jon Stewart’s classic video…belly laughs even after 12 years!).  Of course, all the corporate media, including late night comedians like David Letterman, could focus on was how many times new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi blinked her eyes. We even made a photo-toon having fun with it, which we’ve rehashed below with our article about Dubya’s speechifying.

But Nancy Pelosi performed very well during this SOTU with her sarcastic clapback. We hope that Ms. Pelosi’s strong attitude toward the Republicans continues. The last thing we need is four more years of the orange haired man child in the White House, which is what happens if the Democrats let the Republicans control the narrative in the media like they’ve done too many times in the past.

It has become crystal clear: the Republicans are no longer the party of Lincoln. They aren’t even the party of Eisenhower or even Reagan. The last two Republican commanders-in-chief, Bush and Trump, have been the worst presidents since World War II and that’s including Nixon, he of the Watergate break-ins who was ‘not a crook’. The GOP is a broken, criminal party and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near government ever again. Like we’ve mentioned before: modern day Republicans don’t want small government, they want NO GOVERNMENT! And they just proved it with the longest government shutdown in history!

This article is from our January 31, 2007 issue.

Bush Addresses Nation; To ‘Surge’ On Healthcare, Global Warming

At his State of the Union address last week, President Bush touched upon many issues like the war in Iraq, the economy, and two issues that have suddenly become very important for him; healthcare and global warming.

After introducing new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, Bush got down to business. “We’ve got a new Democrat congress so I’ll dumb it down a little bit this year. Heh-heh. People we need to give ‘Surge’ a chance. Now there are some people who think we need to leave Iraq, like the Democrats, the Republicans, the Iraqi Study Group, the Iraqis, a majority of people in the World, and even one of my dogs, Ms. Beazley…the damn bitch. Now I acknowledge their opinion, but since I’m the Decider, we will stay in Iraq whether they like it or not. And we will confront any Iranians which may be trying to influence the Iraqi government. You see, only we can meddle in other country’s affairs. It’s not only in the Constitution but God told me so. Remember, I’m tight with the Big Guy.”

“And speaking of ‘Surge’,” continued Bush. “Did you like my little segue? Pretty cool, huh. Anyhoo, we need to not only ‘Surge’ on our new way forward, we need to ‘Surge’ ahead on the very real threat of global warming. Now I know what you’re all thinking, ‘Who’s going to win that swell Super Bowl game?’ Well folks, I think the best defense is a good offense, which is precisely our strategy in the Middle East. See how everything comes around. Wait a second… my train of thought derailed.” Bush then excused himself, turned and talked to Vice President Cheney, who hit himself in the forehead with his hand and brusquely reprimanded the President while Nancy Pelosi blinked in disbelief.

After a few seconds of confusion, Bush continued his address. “Like I was saying. We need to ‘Surge’ ahead on stopping global warming. That’s why I’m proposing we spend a whopping one thousand dollars to combat this menace. I also propose a New Way Forward Health Plan which will make health insurance affordable to all Americans…with an income over $100,000 a year. The rest of you will just have to work harder. Fortunately, the economy is going like gangbusters. Plus, according to our new federal accountants, who, by the way, did the books over at Enron, we’ve only got a deficit of $250 billion now. By next year it’ll be gone. See tax cuts to the rich do work.”

“I’d like to close by saying, I’m taking the Colts by ten. Oh, I almost forgot. Terror. Terror. Terror. 9/11. 9/11. 9/11. God Bless America only!”

Afterwards, the President addressed his many critics. “A lot of people were disappointed that I didn’t mention anything in my speech about New Orleans. Well, I was going to mention them but the Saints lost to the Bears so I lost that reference. Why else would I mention New Orleans? Did something important happen there in the past couple of years that I should know about?”

President Bush gives a warm welcome to members of both parties at the 2007 State of the Union address. Vice President Cheney and new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, react in the background.

President Bush gives a warm welcome to members of both parties at the 2007 State of the Union address. Vice President Cheney and new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, react in the background.

Rewind: The 2006 Blue Wave

Results are still trickling in from the 2018 midterms and the blue wave is a lot bigger than the corporate main stream media proclaimed it to be. Why is it that corporate news outlets, especially conservative ones like Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network, can never admit that the Republican candidates lost and their world view is not popular with average Americans? CNN, MSNBC and other corporate media outlets all declared early on that the blue wave was more of a blue trickle. They did this during the last big ‘blue wave’ election in 2006 as well.

We dug up from our archives, an old article from that “thumpin'” in 2006 that pretty much describes the same toxic climate we have for this year’s midterm elections. We guess it’s like that old corporate media saying, “if it’s broken, don’t fix it…as long as we’re making money”.

This article is from our November 13, 2006 issue.

Holy Cow! Dems Win! Republicans Trampled, Crushed, Whupped, Clobbered, Drubbed, Thumped…They Got Beat BIG TIME!

In a thunderous rejection of President Bush’s foreign policy in Iraq and the scandal ridden Republican controlled Congress, the American public voted Democrats into power across the board in elections held last Tuesday, November 7th. Not only did the Democrats take control of the House and the Senate for the first time since 1994, they also seized control of many state legislatures and have an edge in governorships as well. The Democratic victory has also prompted many resignations and dismissals, like Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlmann. Among the many high profile Republicans defeated were: Senator Rick Santorum, Senator George Allen, Katherine Harris, Representative Richard Pombo and Representative J.D. Hayworth..

The new Speaker of the House, California representative Nancy Pelosi, said, “This is a stinging rebuke for the misguided policies of the Bush Administration. The American people have spoken and they are angry. President Bush has to work with us now and in particular me. They say ‘paybacks a bitch’. Well that bitch’s name is Nancy Pelosi.”

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry said, “Well a few weeks ago I said we were like the Chicago Cubs; always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Boy I thought I blew the election with my botched joke about being dumb and getting stuck in Iraq. But even though the media beat it into the ground and flogged me with it on a daily basis, the American people decided they were fed up with Republican shenanigans and not my loquacious, meandering, sleep inducing manner of speaking. What I’m trying to say is: Cubs win! Cubs win!”

Even though President Bush acknowledged that is was ‘a thumping’, many Republicans and neocon pundits were in denial about the loss. Arizona Representative J.D. Hayworth, who was beaten by Democrat Harry Mitchell, still hasn’t conceded even though major wire services have called the race for Mitchell and there is a four percentage point difference in the vote count. “Nuh-uh!” whined Hayworth in typical Hayworth fashion. “There is no way I lost to Mitchell. That is just pure fantasy. I’m J.D. Hayworth. I wrote a book about immigration reform. People like me. I’m J.D. Hayworth. We’re just going to count and recount those votes until I’m victorious. So there! I’m J.D. Hayworth and I approve this tantrum.”

Host of Fox News Hannity & Colmes, Sean Hannity, said, “Please! I would hardly call this a ‘Blue Wave’ like everybody in the liberal media is calling it. Sure some Democrats won some races and they took back the House and Senate, barely. It’s nothing like the glorious revolution of 1994 when the Republicans swept into power ushering in a glorious age of ass-clenched conservativism. Those days are gone my friends. The next thing you know, Osama will be invited to address Congress by that terrorist loving Nancy Pelosi. She’s probably having a sex party in her office right now with her unholy sex slaves from San Francisco. God I hate her!”

Chris Matthews, host of Hardball, said, “You know who I’m going to miss? All those guys like Tom Delay, Bob Ney and Randall Cunningham. Sure they were corrupt, but they made it exciting didn’t they? Now we’ve got Hillary and Nancy nagging at us all like mother hens. Things will probably get done now. We won’t have any fun. God I hate them!”

Many Americans felt good about the election results. Karyn Green of Teller, Virginia said, “For the first time in six years I have a feeling of hope. Maybe now Congress will check Bush and his agenda which has gotten us into nothing but hot water.”

Natalie Harrison of Chesterville, Wisconsin said, “I don’t expect miracles from this new Congress, but maybe someone can come up with a plan for exiting Iraq. The current administration certainly doesn’t have a clue.”

However, Bush supporter Derrick Armstrong of Hubley, Colorado said, “Great! Now that Pelosi woman is going make me speak Spanish, hug a tree, get an abortion, do drugs and have sex with a guy. Thank goodness, my old pastor, Ted Haggard, showed me how to do the last two.”

Living skeleton Ann Coulter proclaims the 2006 blue wave to be nothing more than a blue trickle.

Neo-conservative pundits, like living skeleton Ann Coulter, were downplaying the November 7th election results saying “Only for half-brights with absolutely no concept of yesterday is this a ‘tsunami’ — as MSNBC calls it — rather than the death throes of a dying party.”

Rewind: America Chooses Insanity…Again

We’re shocked and in mourning for a sane, intelligent America. Words escape us at the moment so we’re reprinting an article from when America chose a similar path of insanity back in 2004 and re-elected George W. Bush. Yeah…that turned out well didn’t it. One thing’s for sure; conservative Republicans never learn.

This article is from our November 7, 2004 post-election issue.

America Speaks: “51% Of Us Are Fucking Idiots!”

America went to the polls last week and re-elected George W. Bush as president even though he’s started a costly war on false premises with no exit strategy, plunged the nation into tumultuous debt, rolled back numerous environmental regulations in favor of industry, presided over an economy that has lost almost a million jobs, underfunded the ‘No Children Left Behind’ program, misled the nation about the cost of his healthcare bill which does nothing to alleviate high costs and performed anemically in all three televised debates.

Bush supporters spoke out and explained why they voted for him. Dale Gilman of Empty Noggin, Georgia, said, “I voted for him because he’s the one I’d rather drink a beer with. That’s my only criteria for president. I’ll have to invite him over to my trailer for a beer one of these days. It’s not quite the country club he’s used to, but I think my gun collection adds a certain redneck ambiance.”

Betsy Moeller, of Cornshoot, Ohio, said, “I was undecided until the very end, but what made me vote for the President was that he’s just so moral. Even when he lies to us repeatedly, he’s just so moral.”

Kirby Tucker, of Cracked Nut, North Carolina, said, “All I knows is I don’t want no wolves to catch me and eats me.”

Durwood Dunndoody, of Oozing Bed Sore, Texas said, “The big issue of this campaign was gay marriage. No doubt about it. Thank God, the President is going to make a stand agin’ those hell bound fruitcakes. They’re worst than the terrorists you know.”

Dwight Stevenson, of Ostrich Neck, Oklahoma, said, “I know the president has made some mistakes, but he’s a known quantity. I’m comfortable with his ineptitude.”

Rev. Fred Campbell, pastor of the Fifth Evangelical Church of the Backwoods in Dunceville, Tennessee, said, “Praise be to God! The rapture is so close I can smell it!”

Dave and Karen Lydell, of Dullardton, Iowa, said, “We believe in secretive Orwellian government. We completely trust President Bush to do what’s right, because it’s really none of our business to know or question what they’re doing. We don’t mind if our government monitors our every movement. It’s a small price to pay for freedom.”

Kerry supporters expressed extreme shock and disappointment. Mark Barry, of Tempe, Arizona, said while banging his head with a frying pan, “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!”

Donna Beacham, of Salem, Oregon, said while booking a flight to Vancouver, Canada, “The choice was so obvious. It’s like we’re speeding for the edge of a cliff in a gas guzzling hummer, and the passengers vote to drive off. Un-fucking-believable!”

College student, Craig Kaster, of Santa Bonita, California, said, “I’m so voting for that Kerry dude. What? The elections were last week. Oh man! I like so spaced that off.”

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, said. “This is great! Al-Qaeda will get stronger, America will go bankrupt and I’ll get to live four more years. That chimp Bush is playing right into my hands. Allah Akbar!”

Rewind: Delightful Dubya Deceptions

We recently commented about the unbelievable poll that stated that more people viewed George W. Bush favorably now than President Obama, despite the fact that Obama has cleaned up the colossal mess that good ol’ Dubya made here and abroad. Here’s an article from our April 25, 2004 edition which may explain this phenomenon. It seems that people were actually comforted by the Bush Administration’s lies and deceptions.

Many Americans Comforted By Bush Administration Deceptions

According to recent polls, George W. Bush’s approval ratings have improved, despite revelations of deceptions and misinformation from the White House concerning the war in Iraq by Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, John Dean and Bob Woodward. The polls indicate that having a lying, deceitful president leading the country comforts many Americans.

Dwight Rodman of Festerville, Oklahoma, said, “That’s what Presidents do. Nixon lied about Watergate. Clinton lied about having sex with all those women. Now Bush has lied about WMDs in Iraq. It’s just the American way. Now if someone told the truth, then I’d worry.”

Mabel Ellis of Port Drudgery, New Jersey, said, “At least President Bush doesn’t have sex with nubile young interns. I can live with a multi-billion dollar war from which we have no clear cut way of exiting and will put us in excruciating debt for years to come. But having sex is something I will not tolerate.”

Theodore M. Farnsworth IV of Crudopolis, Texas, said, “I’m the CEO of a major energy corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the environmental damage I’m doing by fracking. Four more years!”

Byron G. Caldwell of Big Spud, Idaho, said, “I’m the CEO of a major logging corporation. The President’s lies are keeping the attention off me and all the regulations that are being relaxed so I can plunder America’s forests. Four more years!”

Mildred Dunwiddy of Backwater, South Carolina, said, “Oh, its just a little white lie. Besides, I think the biggest problem this nation is facing is that slut Janet Jackson and her malfunctioning wardrobe.”

Phil Smoots of Gator Crossing, Florida, said, “How can America be worrying about a quagmire in Iraq, when people of the same sex are getting married? I just don’t get this country.”

Jerry Scheissner of Fuddsworth, Missouri, said, “If things are going so bad in Iraq, how come we don’t see any pictures of coffins? How ’bout that, smart guy!”

Rev. Aloysius T. Terry of Piggettstown, Mississippi, said, “I’m an evangelical minister and I say President Bush is leading us one step closer to Armageddon and the Rapture. Halleluiah!”

GOP Sez ‘Science Evil’

The Senate just voted 98-1 that global warming is happening, as if nature needed human consensus that it was real. Of course, the anti-science Republicans aren’t admitting that humans are causing it. Here’s an article from our August 29, 2004 issue, where good ol’ Dubya explains why scientists are ‘evil’ and shouldn’t be trusted, but the saintly oil, mining, timber and energy companies deserve our complete trust.

Bush Dismisses ‘Evil’ Scientists

The Bush Administration deflected recent criticism from numerous preeminent scientists that the White House is distorting and manipulating scientific findings and giving handouts to industries, which have given massive monetary support to the President, like oil, mining, timber and energy companies.

Dr. Jared Reed, environmental biologist and member of the non-profit group, Union Of Concerned Scientists, said, “This administration is far worse than even the Reagan administration. They have rolled back over 300 regulations since Bush has taken over the Presidency. He has loaded the EPA with lobbyists from the mining, logging, and energy industries as payback for their support during the election. He is systematically blacklisting legitimate scientists in favor of consultants who manipulate and massage data to fit his radical ideological agenda. This blatant disregard for the environment and for the health of the general public needs to be stopped before it is too late.”

Bush defended his environmental policies. “People, I mean we all know that this so called ‘global warming’ is caused by cows farting and volcanoes. And this mumbo jumbo that our rivers and streams are polluted; didn’t you see John Stossel jump in the Hudson River. If it’s so polluted, how come he’s still alive? Stem cell research is evil, too. Scientists want to grow babies and then kill ’em folks. That’s just plain evil. Besides, I think I know a little bit more about the world than these smartsy fartsy liberal ‘scientists’. I mean I am the president and I talk to God on a daily basis. We don’t need any more ‘scientific’ studies. If I were doing something wrong here, don’t you think God would say something.”

Vice President Dick Cheney backed Bush’s views. “Our public land is vast and it’s there for Americans to use and exploit. Those damn animals aren’t using it. Why should they have it? Like the great James Watt said, God wants us to subdue nature. I’ll be damned if some fish or butterfly is going to prevent me from making my millions.”

Many citizens have expressed support for Bush’s environmental policies. Lionel Starker of Pusbucket, Arkansas, said, “Me more smart than animal. Me more smart than plant. Me think Bush smart. Me vote Bush.”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “Thanks to President Bush, the Apocalypse is now closer then ever. We need to hurry up and use all of God’s resources before the end of the world. Can I get an amen?”

Rummy Shows Some TLC

Since Donald Rumsfeld has decided to delight us with his presence again, we’ve decided to do a little Rummy Retrospective featuring some of his more hilarious antics from his tenure as Bush Secretary of Defense.

Remember that time ol’ Rummy spoke coherently and explained the complexities of the Iraq War? Neither do we. But there was the time back in December 2004, when Rummy was on the hot seat after one of his infamous quotes. At the time, soldiers were having to search through dumps for scrap metal so they could augment the inadequate armor they currently had on their vehicles, since you know, they were getting blown up. When a soldier asked why they didn’t have the armor available to protect the soldiers from harm, Rummy said, “It isn’t a matter of money. It isn’t a matter on the part of the army of desire. It’s a matter of production and capability of doing it. As you know, ah, you go to war with the army you have—not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.—You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and it can (still) be blown up…” What a compassionate conservative! Here’s a photo-toon from our January 16, 2005 issue, when Rummy tried to make it up to the troops with some TLC.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by showing some TLC for the troops.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shows how much of a 'compassionate conservative' he is by whipping up a batch of goodies loaded with TLC for the troops.

Rewind: Smells Like Rummy

It’s been like those old halcyon days of the Bush Administration lately. In our last post, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice spoke out against Obama’s foreign policy with Russia. Now, former Secretary of Defense and one of the architects of the debacle known as the Iraq War, has crawled out of whatever hole he’s been hiding in and weighed in with his two cents (as if anyone cares.) Good Ol’ Rummy said last week that ‘a trained ape’ would be better at foreign policy than Obama. This from a man who completely clusterf**ked the Iraq War and had to be removed from his post for his  incompetence (or excellence as the Republicans remember it). Here’s an article from our November 13, 2006 edition right after the 2006 elections when the Democrats won the House and Senate.

Rumsfeld Becomes President Of Rumsfeldia

Donald Rumsfeld, fresh from his dismissal as Secretary of Defense last week declared himself President of Rumsfeldia, which is what he calls his residence in Maryland.

“Am I surprised I was dismissed? Not really,” said a candid Rumsfeld from his living room throne. “Am I disappointed? You bet. But as I’ve said before, the President is correct whatever it was he said. Although I wish he hadn’t said what he said he said. Did I just say that? It doesn’t matter. What I mean to say is, sure, this is a setback. Will I recover? I think so, but the future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera! I don’t do predictions. I also don’t do dishes. Joyce, I’ve dirtied my coffee cup. Come clean it; on the double soldier. Where’s my latest issue of People? This Britney Spears divorce intrigues me to no end. She should have got out years ago.”

Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, seemed stressed and frazzled about her husband being around the house all the time. “He’s going to drive me nuts. It’s only been a few days, but he’s making me cuckoo bananas. He just sits there in the living room, which we’re supposed to call Command Central, or he rearranges the furniture or reorders the books on the shelves. Yesterday, he was in his bathtub playing naval battle with his model ships. Oy vey!”

Neighbor Fred Dittmeier said while cleaning his barbecue pit, “Don’s a smart guy. He needs to be active all the time. I’ve got a great job for him. He could be a greeter over at the Juggermart in Chevy Chase. He’d be a natural. He’s always got a clever response to questions. Plus he’s a former Secretary of Defense. I mean, what a drawing card! And just think of the classic Rumsfeld quotes he’d be spewing from that post. ‘Of course I know where the garden supplies are; they’re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.’ Wouldn’t that be a hoot!”

Rumsfeld daughter Marcy said, “I’m really worried about Dad. Like at dinner the other night, Mom put out the regular dinner plates and Dad questioned why Mom was putting out pottery ware for a Sunday dinner. Mom explained the good china was being cleaned and that this was all that was available. Well Dad was crestfallen. He muttered that you go to dinner with the plates you have not the plates you want or wish you had at a later time. He’s just repeating his old quotes over and over again. Mom’s hair’s already white. It’s gonna start falling out pretty soon.”

When asked about his immediate plans, Rumsfeld mused over the possibilities. “Well I’ll tell you. I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. It’s like I’ve said before: there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. I’d have to say I fall into that latter category.”

Rumsfeld then started micromanaging his pets. “Fluffy get off the couch. And pick up that hairball. Rover, why do you always have to lick yourself? And you Goldie! Honestly, if you don’t start swimming soon, it’ll be the toilet for you. And you Fido, quit sniffing Rover’s butt! You don’t know where it’s been. Besides, you’re doing it all wrong. Move aside. Must I do everything?”

GOP’s Prayer Health Plan

It’s no secret that the Republicans have been against Obamacare since day 1; I mean they shutdown the government because of it. But at the same time, they’ve offered no plans of their own. But on the contrary…we found an article in our August 31, 2006 issue where the Republicans came up with a fantastic plan that had their party all a- titter with excitement.

Republicans Push New Prayer Health Plan

Responding to the fact that almost 46 million Americans are without health insurance, conservative congressional Republicans are pushing for a new faith based health plan administered by churches instead of insurance companies. Proponents estimate that this new prayer health plan could save people millions of dollars.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who is also a doctor, described the new plan. “This affordable plan works in the following way. The participant phones in a prayer to the health insurance prayer network and our authorized prayer speakers, who are much holier than you, say a prayer for your health and well being. All this for only $50 a month for a family of four. Of course, if you want holier people, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to pray for you, you can opt for the $75 a month plan; for a family of four. What a bargain! Then there is the elite plan where President Bush will pray for you for $100 a month. Just think; God’s chosen one praying for you and your family! You’re sure to stay healthy! These plans don’t cover single people over 18, because in the Lord’s eyes, you must be married to a member of the opposite sex, before your life is worth anything. And no atheists, non-Christians, tree-huggers, free-thinkers, anti-War protesters, abortionists, gun control freaks, gays, lesbians, Democraps or other liberal wackos. To be covered you must convert to Christianity and Republicanism. And what’s more, you don’t need to see a doctor since you’re connected straight to the Lord. It looks like I’m out of business, heh-heh!”

Many in the religious community hailed the plan as revolutionary. “This new health care plan is exactly what America needs,” said televangelist Jerry Falwell. “Every thinking man knows that germs, bacteria and viruses are just the creation of the liberal elite and smartsy fartsy scientists. The only way to truly protect you and your family against illness is to pray, pray, pray.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, said “This is truly a great day for God-fearing Americans everywhere. Soon the evil, godless liberals will die off because they can’t participate in this plan and won’t want to convert. Then America will be cleansed and ready for the Rapture, which will be coming any day now, according to my communications with the Almighty.”

The Union for Advancement of Science spokesman Dr. Alfred Maxwell shook his head and said, “This is absolutely unbelievable. What is going on here? Have we taken a step back into the Middle Ages? What’s next? Witch burnings and inquisitions? I…I…I’m utterly speechless. This does it. I can’t stands it no more. I’m moving to Canada. Sure they’re idea of fun is curling, but at least if I get sick up there, it won’t put me and my family into debilitating debt for all eternity.”

Many Americans seemed relieved about the new health plan. Janice Wilcox of Shannon, West Virginia said, “Hallelujah! I never did trust those scientists and doctors. They said my lousy diet and no exercise was causing my obesity and bad health. Well nuts to them. All I need is prayer! I’m going for the President Bush plan. He talks to God, you know.”

Karl Billings of Tarrington, Georgia said, “At last; an end to all that evil scientific research and knowledge gaining. That stem cell research was just a liberal coverup for murdering innocent embryos. Maybe now people will do the Lord’s work and start killing some Muslims!”

Joe Jones of Lake Runamucka, Tennessee said, “Finally! An affordable risk-free health plan that’s sure to work.”

Holy Wiretapping!

With all the latest news about surveillance, we thought we’d dust off a little article from our June 19, 2003 issue, almost ten years ago. Remember those halcyon days when super christian John Ashcroft was Attorney General, the Patriot Act had just been enacted and Ari Fleischer, doing his impersonation of a Stasi agent, warned us we had to watch what we said. Yes, Big Brother had just started to trample on our civil liberties and it hasn’t gotten any better. Guantanamo Bay is still open, too. Feeling safer yet? We didn’t think so. Thanks Dubya!

Ashcroft To Wiretap Prayers

In his latest attempt to halt terrorism in its tracks, Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced a plan to wiretap prayers to determine possible plots against the United States.

“Our scientists have made a breakthrough in prayer technology that will enable us to intercept evil prayers from evil doers and bring them to justice,” said Ashcroft. “We’ve built a device that will allow us to monitor all prayers from all American people no matter what religion they may be. We can determine to which God they are praying and for what they are praying.”

Ashcroft then gave an example. “Let’s say Mohammed Muslim starts praying to Allah and asks him to destroy the United States. Our agents can intercept the evil prayer, trace it back to its sender and have him locked up in Guantanamo Bay before you can say Jesus Christ.”

Ashcroft then added, “But don’t say Jesus Christ. It’s a sin to take the Lord’s name in vain.”

When asked if this was an invasion of personal privacy and freedom of religion, Ashcroft retorted angrily, “Look! George Bush and I are tight with God. We are doing his work! He wants us to win and the only way to win is by monitoring the minds of every single American and make sure they have no evil thoughts against the Bush Administration.”

When asked what he thought about the wiretapping of prayers, Jesus Christ said from his palatial mansion in heaven, “Hey it’s what I’d do. I’m tight with these guys okay. They know my mind. Excuse me now but I’ve got to watch the Reds-Dodgers game. Fred McGriff didn’t pray yesterday so I think he’ll be striking out a lot today. Who says I don’t care about sports.”

Guns, Guns, Guns

In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?

Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”

NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”