Archive for July 31, 2012

Cactus Corners Forecast – July 31, 2012

The hot, muggy, summer Monsoon weather continues with temps in the low hundreds and dew points in the 50’s. Our suggestion: sprout gills.

Here’s the upcoming forecast for this week.


Fiscal Priorities

Con-a-thon 2012 drags on and on and on….  Isn’t this election over yet? What’s really shocking about this election is the record amount of money spent on the elections. Thanks to the Citizens United decision by our supposedly enlightened Supreme Court, corporations can contribute the moon to buy the election for their favorite lackey, politician. Republican affiliated Super PACs alone are planning on spending one billion dollars on the election. Democrats are estimated to spend anywhere from 100-400 million dollars. Wow!  What’s pathetic is that this money could be spent on something more constructive like building infrastructure, paying off America’s debt or … I don’t know…creating jobs and sorry, we don’t consider election jobs real jobs even though nowadays the election cycles seem perpetual. Is this country broken??? Nahhhhhh. Just donate to your nearest Super PAC and don’t worry your pretty little heads about it. The ‘job creators’ are taking care of everything.

MegaloCorpBank CEO J. Charles Harrington IV, explains the American election process to a clueless, middle class peon.

Aught 5 Headlines

More headlines, this time from ’05 (or aught 5 as us grizzled old desert rats say).

Aniston, Pitt Split: Life As We Know It Likely Over
Meaning Of Life Revealed In Ashlee Simpson Song
Bush Proposes $80 Gazillion More Dollars For Iraq: Vows To Remove Troops By 22nd Century
Rumsfeld Launches New Fragrance: Rummy
MLB’s Angels Rename Team: Now Called The Amazing Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Located In The Trendy California County Of Orange In The Awesome Country Of The United States Of America

Guns, Guns, Guns

In light of the recent event in Colorado, it may be time to revisit the Assault Weapon Ban, which was signed into law in 1994 and expired in September 2004. Seriously, do we really need assault weapons to hunt quail?

Here’s an article from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

“Wow!” said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. “This makes my job so much easier. Now I don’t have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher?”

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, “George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America’s police officers harder, and that’s just plain wrong.”

NRA members scoffed at Kerry’s statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, “America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn’t understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can’t kill a quail effectively without an UZI.”

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, “Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I’m gonna give up my assault weapon, he’s got another think coming. I’d rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I’d marry my gun if I could. Maybe I’ll support that queer marriage thing after all.”

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, “Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!”

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift, but also for President Bush. “I don’t know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election,” he said. “Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!”

Top Titles And Plots For Future Bourne Movies

The new movie, The Bourne Legacy, is due to open in theaters in August. However, in this movie, the action will revolve around a new character, Aaron Cross and not Jason Bourne, the former CIA assassin, turned rogue agent. This movie will surely be a blockbuster and the Bourne franchise will probably continue well into the future much like the James Bond series. Everybody loves a good spy film, right? Well, the BilgeBucket staff has come up with a list of suggested titles and plots for upcoming movies in the Bourne universe. If Hollywood chooses these gems, the movies are sure to be a smashing success!

  • New Bourne KingBourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Jesus
  • The Bourne LosersBourne gets amnesia and becomes a member of the Kansas City Royals
  • Bourne on the Fourth of JulyBourne get amnesia and thinks he’s James Cagney
  • Bourne to RunBourne gets amnesia and a chronic case of diarrhea
  • Bourne to be WildBourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Lady Gaga
  • First BourneBourne regains his memory temporarily and remembers his days as a schoolyard assassin
  • Bourne AgainBourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a televangelist
  • Water BourneBourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a dolphin
  • A Star is BourneBourne gets amnesia and becomes the toast of Broadway starring as Eliza Doolittle in a revival of My Fair Lady
  • Bourne FreeBourne gets amnesia and tries to live as a lion on the savannahs of Africa
  • Bourne on the BayouBourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a Cajun crocodile farmer
  • To the Manor BourneBourne gets amnesia and has bawdy adventures as a well heeled gentleman in merry old England
  • Natural Bourne KillersBourne gets amnesia and confronts a whole slew of people who just want to kill him (Wait…that’s the plot for the first three movies)
  • Bourne YesterdayBourne gets amnesia and time travels back to The Bourne Identity and relives his adventures from his first movie
  • Bourne and BreadBourne gets amnesia and makes lots of dough as a baker


Headlines, Get Your Headlines

More headlines from that glorious year 2004.

New Clinton Library Has Smokin’ Hot Adult Section
BilgeBucket Gazette Predicts Nader Landslide
Local Tabby Gets Cat Scan
Intelligence Is Major Concern For Bush
Dan Quayle Endorses Bush: Sez “He’s Smarte!”

Rewind: WMDs Found?

Remember when they found the WMDs responsible for leading America to invade Iraq and start the Iraq War which lasted eight years, cost almost a trillion dollars, and killed (depending on your source) between 100,000 and 1 million people? Oh, that’s right…they never found them. Huh, guess we got taken for a ride by ol’ Dubya and company didn’t we. But surely nothing bad has or will result from it, right?

Oh well, here’s a photo-toon from our October 28, 2006 issue which shows the Bush administration finding the WMDs in a most unexpected place.

Thanks to the recent satellite photos of Mars and the rover, Opportunity, the Bush administration has announced that they have finally found the weapons of mass destruction and that we must invade Mars immediately to spread freedom and democracy to the Martians.

Cactus Corners Forecast – July 14th, 2012

It’s monsoon season here in Cactus Corners, Arizona, which for us here in the blazing hot desert, is a kind of rainy season. The temps still stay above 100, but the humidity and dew point increase, so it gets more muggy. We get on average, about 8 inches of rain a year. We get on average, about 2.0-2.5 inches of rain during the monsoon season, which typically lasts from the beginning of July to about mid-September. Of course, mention our monsoon season to someone from India and they will laugh their ass off. In India, as much as 27 inches of rain can fall in a 24 hour period during their monsoon season. Nevertheless, the dust storms, thunderstorms and lightning storms that happen during July and August can be quite spectacular and a bit dangerous, even if they don’t always produce torrential rain.

With that in mind, here’s the forecast for this weekend.

Celebrity Look-a-likes for July 2012

A favorite feature nowadays in many papers across the country is one presenting local citizens who claim that they look like well known celebrities. Well we here at the Bucket know a lame-ass idea when we see it. We’ve asked residents of Cactus Corners, Arizona which celebrity they resemble. The results will astound you!

WARNING – You’re not seeing double folks!

Ruth Thomas: My girlfriends and co-workers at Juggermart say I look like Paris Hilton, especially when I pout and wear my jewel encrusted tiara.
Emil Martin: The kids at school don’t know what they’re talking about. My mommy says I look just like Justin Bieber.
Arthur Dinsdale III: People on the street are constantly stopping me and saying I’m the doppelganger of the 8th President of the United States, Martin Van Buren. CONSTANTLY, I tells ya!!
Stan, Men’s Department mannequin at Stack’s Fourth Avenue: The other mannequins in the store say I’m a dead ringer for Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Quite frankly, I think I’ve got more personality.

The New Faces of Crazy

The United States Mint has decided to re-issue the Arizona state quarter in honor of the state’s centennial. Instead of depicting the natural beauty of the state like they did the first time with the Grand Canyon, they’ve decided to represent the wacky right wing politicians who have commandeered this state and are now ramming their conservative agenda down our throats. Yes, nothing represents the new faces of crazy like Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer, Sheriff Joe “Just call me God” Arpaio and former state senator Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce.

The United States Mint has issued a new state quarter for Arizona in honor of it's centennial featuring Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer, Sheriff Joe "Just call me God" Arpaio and former state senator Russell "I'm not a Nazi" Pearce.