Archive for March 24, 2012

Gypstone’s Deluxe Mobile Head Massager

Here’s the next trend setting SKYMart product that will surely be a crowd pleaser.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchantshopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Have you ever been sitting in the airport and wanted your head massaged? You just can’t ask a stranger to rub his fingers over your noggin: just think of the germs, GROSS! Well, now you can get that much needed relief with the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from the leader in trendy, superfluous health products, Gypstone. Just place the chic looking, form fitting helmet on your head, tighten the lug nuts for a snug fit and relax. Feel the soothing, gyrating, molded plastic buffers rasp over your scalp, as Gypstone’s patented computerized, Massago-motors gently rattle your skull into incoherence. And the best thing is that it’s mobile. You can wear it anywhere: at the store, at the movies, at the bullfights, at the sumo-wrestling matches, driving the car, flying a plane, commanding a submarine or even making out. And since it’s so great looking, members of the opposite sex will find you completely irresistible. It even comes in two colors: Navy Blue and Flamingo Pink. So get ahead of the Joneses and purchase the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from Gypstone. Sale Price: $25,000. This product may result in dizziness, nausea, and general befuddlement.

 

Rewind: Sun ‘n Fun in Iraq

It’s time for another trip to yesteryear, back to those bucolic days in the summer of 2004, when Operation Iraqi Freedom a.k.a. the Iraq War, a.k.a the Slam Dunk was foundering into it’s second year, despite assurances from the Bush administration that all was well in the land of sand and oil. Now, thankfully, we’re out of Iraq and the Iraqis are left to administer their country on their own, even though sectarian violence continues and probably will continue until the country breaks out into an inevitable Civil War which has been building for a century. For a dry but informative read on the history of Iraq, pre-War, read Charles Tripp’s History of Iraq and see why we should have never gotten into this misadventure in the first place.

Here’s a photo-toon from our July 4, 2004 issue depicting Dubya’s rose colored glasses view of Iraq.

From President Bush's point of view, the new Iraq is a bright, rosy place chock full of fun and oil.

Fashion Smackdown

We saw an article on Slate that other day that commented that the most fashionable woman on the planet just may be Queen Elizabeth. Well, we couldn’t agree more! Here’s a photo-toon from our April 8, 2009 issue that comes to the same conclusion.

 

The much anticipated fashion smackdown between United States first lady Michelle Obama and French first lady Carla Bruni Sarkozy was spiced up even more with a third entrant, England's Queen Elizabeth.

Shows Tonight On Venezuelan State TV

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for Venezuelan State TV. ¡Míralo! ¡Todo el mundo le gusta Chávez!

Shows Tonight on Venezuelan State TV

7:00pm Hugo Chavez: El Presidente mas Grande!
7:30pm ¿Por qué es Hugo Chavez tan Macho?
8:00pm Hugo Chavez: El Mejor Hombre del Mundo!
8:30pm Venezuela Bueno: Estados Unidos Malo
9:00pm Full House
9:30pm Hugo Chavez en la Noche

Speako Englisho

GOP presidential candidate and neo-Neanderthal , Rick “Google Me” Santorum, showed off his diplomatic skills Wednesday while campaigning in Puerto Rico, when he said that for Puerto Rico to become a state, they would have to embrace English as the primary language. Puerto Rico currently is a bilingual U.S. commonwealth and is voting in November on whether or not to pursue statehood. Spanish is also the primary language in the country because of it’s strong Spanish heritage and history. Of course, Santorum’s view is consistent with conservative Republican’s world view that everyone should speak English and Americans should only have to speak English everywhere they go, despite the fact that the majority of people in the Western Hemisphere speak Spanish.  His viewpoint reminds us of when Archie Bunker tried to speak Spanish on an episode of that classic 70’s sitcom, All in the Family. Pues, creemos que Santorum es un pendejo grande!

GOP candidate Rick 'Google Me' Santorum impresses the bilingual crowds in Puerto Rico with his command of the Spanish language.

And The Award For Best Faucet Mounting Goes To…

The Academy Awards took place recently to much hype and ceremony. Billy Crystal hosted again for the zillionth time and everybody was riveted to the set to see which starlet would wear the most daring outfit, who would win Best Gaffer and who would make the most insipid acceptance speech. We here at the Bucket have noticed over the years that the entertainment industry sure does like producing awards shows and patting themselves on the back. It seems like there’s an awards show every week. Wouldn’t it be great if other professions like programmers, electricians or dentists staged extravagant, self congratulatory awards shows on a weekly basis, too.

What if the public fawned and drooled over plumbers instead of actors and actresses? Here’s an old article from March 14, 2004 about the glamour that is the Golden Plungers.

Melvin Swazicki Sweeps The Golden Plunger Awards

In a stunning and record setting performance last week, Melvin Swazicki of Toledo, Ohio, swept the top categories in The Golden Plunger Awards which were held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Golden Plungers are considered by most experts to be the top awards show for plumbers ranking ahead of the The Plumbers People’s Choice Awards, The American Plumbing Awards and The Morties, named after legendary Chicago plumber Morty Pawolinski.

“This is an incredible feat!” said show commentator Larry Buttner. “He swept all the top awards: Fastest Snake, Best Showerhead Installation, Best Faucet Mounting, Best Unclogging Of A Shower Drain System, and Best Join Sweating Of An Outdoor Underground Pipe System In Freezing Conditions. This guy does it all!”

When Swazicki came on stage to receive his first award, for Best Faucet Mounting, he exclaimed “You like me! You really like me!” Swazicki, wearing fabulous pinstriped Gucci overalls, displayed tact and modesty in his other acceptance speeches. “I couldn’t have done it without the other plumbers at Rootin’ Tootin’ Plumbing. It’s truly a team effort every time we go to a customer’s house.” The fifty-year old plumber paused, wiped a tear from his eye and continued. “I love you guys!”

Emil Czalewpski, Swazicki’s main competition, had nothing but praise. “Melvin deserves it. He’s been in the biz for a long time now. You know, it’s just an honor to be nominated.”

Joe Tabler, a junior plumber who works with Swazicki, said, “Wow! Melvin is truly an inspiration to the rest of us at Rootin’ Tootin’. I mean he’s a legend. When they asked me to work on Melvin’s team, I had to pinch myself. I’m working with Melvin Swazicki! I mean, it was just an incredible dream come true.”

The show was hosted by Billy Crystal. He got the evening off to a rip-roaring start when he told the audience “Gentlemen start your egos!” He then told them to “pipe down” after the opening number. He also told a model, who mistakenly dropped an award, “Hey don’t sweat it.” He later did a number where he inserted himself into clips of the nominees doing various kinds of plumbing work. Huge laughs came when he bent over to replace a toilet valve and showed large amounts of butt cleavage to the audience.

“That was hilarious!” said Fred Schindler of Des Moines, Iowa. “That happens to me all the time. Hell one time a youngun stuck a pencil in there and I didn’t even know it. I sure knew it when I tried to sit. Ouch! Hee hee hee!”

Of course, one can’t mention the Golden Plungers without mentioning the fashions. Entertainment Tonight’s Jann Carl said, “Melvin Swazicki may have took home the Golden Plungers, but Carl LeMay took home the fashion award with his Ralph Lauren leisure suit. Herman Jablonski also looked sharp in his Yves St. Laurent gold lamé jump suit. His wife Mabel, looked equally stunning in her Bob Mackie moo-moo. The biggest fashion disaster had to be avant-garde plumber, Tina Bjorkinski, who showed up wearing a toilet duck costume. What on earth was she thinking?”

The plumbing industry now looks forward to the next award show, the Morties, which will be held next month in Hoboken, New Jersey, and hosted by Whoopi Goldberg.

Santorum, Kansas: Proudly Entering the Stone Age

It looks like Rick “Google Me” Santorum has won the Kansas caucuses in the sham that is… Con-a-thon 2012. Yes a whopping 1% of the population in Kansas cast their votes Saturday and Mr. Santorum tallied an impressive 15,000 votes. Wow! Can you feel the excitement?! It’s like the ‘Joe-Mentum’ of Joe Lieberman all over again.

Of course it’s not surprising that Santorum won Kansas given it’s recent history of supporting teaching creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ in its schools alongside evolution. And according to creationism…oops…I mean ‘intelligent design’ the world is only a few thousand years old and stone age man roamed the earth with fun loving dinosaurs frolicking at their heels. Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue. The cave man’s resemblance to Mr. Santorum is uncanny!

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed Kansas state quarter to reflect the Kansas Board of Education's decision to allow teaching intelligent design in science classrooms alongside evolution.

Boss Limhogg Endears Self to Women

Controversial, conservative radio talk show host and unofficial Republican party boss, Rush ‘Boss Limhogg’ Limbaugh, has opened his large mouth and gotten himself in hot water with women again. Last week, Limhogg went on a misogynistic rant against Georgetown law student, Sandra Fluke, who testified before a House Democratic Steering and Policy committee about the financial burden of contraception for female law students. Boss Limhogg called her a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’ amongst other slurs on his show provoking outrage from many, including more centrist Republicans.

As a result, Limhogg’s radio show has lost a slew of sponsors. Does this spell the end of Boss Limhogg? Are you kidding?! This man is a conservative icon in the Republican party.  Although he ‘apologized’ to Fluke, he’s still ranting against her and women in general. This has happened tons of times before in the past twenty years. Look for nothing to change. After all, he is Boss Limhogg. We think this article over at Media Matters presents the Republicans relationship with Limhogg succinctly.

Unofficial GOP leader and female connoisseur, Boss Limhogg, reflects on the status of women in America.

Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club – March 2012

The Cactus Corners Singles Adventure Club is a singles club for adventure seeking individuals in the Cactus Corners, Arizona area. The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Dex Rexter, is a member of this fun loving group and has agreed to post upcoming events in an effort to boost membership. Meetings occur every other Friday at the Pink Gecko Karaoke Lounge in the Cactus Blossoms Strip Mall. Here are the exciting events planned for the coming weeks.

  • Thursday, March 8th – Cut Each Others Toenails Night at Phyllis Boyle’s house. Delores Romanowski recommends the Tweezerman SPA Deluxe clipper for best results.
  • Saturday, March 10th – Polka Night at Larry’s Dinner Barn in Apache Junction. Appropriate dress required. Lederhosen is available for sale or rent at Oskar’s Accordion Depot.
  • Monday, March 12th – Yahtzee Night at Frank Brinkman’s house. BYOB and bring lots of it! Trust us; you’ll need it.
  • Wednesday, March 14th – Skateboard Night at Cactus Corners Mall Skatepark. Over 65 skateboard champ Thelma Clausen will demonstrate proper skateboarding techniques including ollies, kick-flips and frontside 180s.
  • Friday, March 16th – Theater Night at Exit Stage Left Theater in Cactus Sweat Strip Mall. Now playing, “Judge Judy: The Musical”, starring Mistee DuBois as Judge Judy. Admission is $40 for adults, $39 for students, and $38 for senior citizens.
  • Sunday, March 18th – Road trip to abandoned gold mine in Skull Valley. We’ll attempt to climb down the rickety, unstable, old mine shaft and search for gold. Bring your picks.
  • Tuesday, March 20th – Cooking With Spam Night at Sarah Milton’s house. Sarah goes over her favorite recipes for cooking meals with Spam: everything from delicious Spam omelettes to mouth-watering Spam cupcakes. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!! Bring your pen and paper. You’ll want to jot these down.
  • Thursday, March 22th – Shuffleboard at Cactus Gallows Retirement Home. Elmer Scoggins demonstrates proper stick manipulation techniques.
  • Saturday, March 24th – Swinging at Nutcracker’s Social Club on Phoenix’s West Side. Wear some bling and bring your swing! Special fun rooms include a dungeon, a doctor’s office, and a congressional chamber. Admission is $75. Check with club personnel prior to arrival for appropriate gang signs to flash for entrance. Firearms are recommended. If you know what’s good for you, don’t stare at the midget!

 

The White Knight

It’s pretty obvious by the anemic turnout for the primaries and caucuses in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2012, that there are many Republicans who aren’t too thrilled with the four candidates that have survived thus far: Spiff Romney, Rick “Google Me” Santorum, Uncle Newtie Gingrich and that gruff ol’ Prospector Ron “I’m agin’ everything” Paul. Polls also indicate that President Obama would have an easy time beating any of these candidates. There are many articles on the mainstream media sites speaking of a brokered convention and a new ‘white knight’ candidate to ride in and rescue the party from ignominious defeat in November. Well we’ve discovered that a new candidate, who reflects the values of the most extreme conservative Republicans (who just so happen to have a stranglehold on the party), has stepped forward to change the fortunes of the GOP. Finally the ‘white knight’ has arrived!

A ‘White Knight’ candidate has emerged for the Republicans who embodies everything that the extreme right wing conservatives hold dear.