Tag Archive for company

My Dinner With Scrooge

July 13, 2016 bb_admin Articles:Corporate BS, Articles:Society BS, Corporate States of America

In the lull before the impending storm of the Republican National Convention,  here’s another golden oldie article from our archive…

This article is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Employee Finds Dinner With Boss Disappointing

Terry McCoy, an employee at DensonCorp, recently was invited to dinner by his boss, Byron Hart. However, McCoy was extremely disappointed when he found out that instead of being treated to a fancy dinner at a restaurant, he was served a homemade meal at Hart’s house.

“I’m completely bummed,” lamented McCoy. “I mean when the boss invites you out to dinner, you have visions of steaks, lobsters and fine wine, dancing in your head. Instead Byron invited me over to his partially furnished condo. He popped a couple of Budget Gourmet Pepper Steak dinners in the microwave and we had some Coors Light while we sat on crates in his living room watching a DVD of the first season of Saved by the Bell on his little twelve inch TV. After I choked down the pepper steak and rice, he breaks out a gallon of vanilla ice cream and we watch Deuce Bigalow. I just thought my employers would be a little more appreciative of my efforts.”

Co-worker Steve Kennedy commented on McCoy’s dinner. “Terry’s lucky, man. To show his gratitude for my work on the Henderson account, Hart took me out for lunch and bought me a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Oh, I almost forgot. He did buy me a Hamburglar action figure, which I display proudly on my desk to remind myself of what a cheap ass company this is.”

Hart defended the dinner. “Listen, I’m just a little fiscally conservative that’s all. I didn’t get to where I am today by spending money on extravagant things like furniture, television or food. Terry’s is a very lucky person to have gotten what he got. I just don’t break out the Deuce Bigalow DVD for just anyone, you know.”

When Hart’s supervising boss, Burt Worley, heard about the dinner, he expressed complete astonishment. “Pepper steak?! Come on! I serve my guests chili-macaroni! That Hart is never going to make it into the upper echelon of DensonCorp by spending so much on…employees. How often do I have say it people; the money goes to the executives… not the grunts. That’s the American way!”

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AZ’s Solar Obstructionists

May 6, 2016 bb_admin Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Let Them Eat Cake, Neocon Media Circus, There's No Planet B

We know the big news is that Trump has clinched the GOP nomination, but we’ve still got six more months of Con-a-thon 2016 to mock his crap. Nevertheless, this is our final post for now reviewing lame AZ public figures and issues…

When you think of Arizona, you usually think of one thing: sunshine…and lots of it. Arizona is sunny at least 85% of the time. You’d think with that much sunshine, Arizona would be the world leader in solar energy research. You’d think that when flying into Phoenix’s Sky Harbor airport, you’d see in addition to all the backyard pools, you’d see solar panels on every roof. You’d think that Arizona’s electric utility companies would be making roof top solar energy affordable to everyone and solar energy companies would be making money hand over fist. Well, in this state, you’d be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

First of all the cost of rooftop solar is so high($11,000 to rent, 20-30k to buy) that most people just can’t afford it. This is even despite the fact that an overwhelming number of Arizonans are interested in solar(94% according to the above article). Being energy independent is right in line with Arizona’s independent spirit. So with the demand so high, why isn’t the solar industry exploding?

Enter the monopolistic Arizona electric utility companies. APS and SRP are the power utility companies which provide power to the Phoenix metropolitan area. They’ve spent millions on building solar arrays in the desert, like SRP’s huge array by Gila Bend, which is terrific for using clean energy. And both companies are always advertising to ‘Go Solar’. But it’s all very disingenuous. We’ve mentioned the high costs. But the rate plans, like SRPs, are something we’d expect from pirates. The whole idea is to be energy independent with rooftop solar; to get off the grid. But with the rate plans in place, you’d still have to pay a steep monthly fee, which kind of defeats the purpose of having solar panels. Like the article in the link says, SRP is saying, “You can use solar power… but only if you buy it from us, and don’t generate it yourself.” But we really shouldn’t be surprised by this, since this state is controlled by anti-environmental, conservative Republicans and they pull this kind of crap all the time in this state.

We think that SRP and APS employees should just don pirate uniforms and quit trying to con people into thinking they’re so pro-solar, when all their rate plans and prices make it impossible for normal everyday people to supply their own electricity and be energy independent. Simply put, here’s a slogan which sums up perfectly how we feel: Support Rooftop Solar – Power to the People!

An Arizona electric utility company official and pirate explains to a naive energy independent minded consumer how solar energy really works in the state of Arizona.

An Arizona electric utility company official explains to a naive, energy independent minded consumer how solar energy really works in the state of Arizona. Arrrrggghh!

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GOP Sez ‘Science Evil’

January 22, 2015 bb_admin Articles:Political BS, Compassionate CONservatives, Corporate States of America, Dubya's Madcap Misadventures, Grand Old Plutocrats, Holy Huckster Hijinx, Neocon Media Circus, There's No Planet B

The Senate just voted 98-1 that global warming is happening, as if nature needed human consensus that it was real. Of course, the anti-science Republicans aren’t admitting that humans are causing it. Here’s an article from our August 29, 2004 issue, where good ol’ Dubya explains why scientists are ‘evil’ and shouldn’t be trusted, but the saintly oil, mining, timber and energy companies deserve our complete trust.

Bush Dismisses ‘Evil’ Scientists

The Bush Administration deflected recent criticism from numerous preeminent scientists that the White House is distorting and manipulating scientific findings and giving handouts to industries, which have given massive monetary support to the President, like oil, mining, timber and energy companies.

Dr. Jared Reed, environmental biologist and member of the non-profit group, Union Of Concerned Scientists, said, “This administration is far worse than even the Reagan administration. They have rolled back over 300 regulations since Bush has taken over the Presidency. He has loaded the EPA with lobbyists from the mining, logging, and energy industries as payback for their support during the election. He is systematically blacklisting legitimate scientists in favor of consultants who manipulate and massage data to fit his radical ideological agenda. This blatant disregard for the environment and for the health of the general public needs to be stopped before it is too late.”

Bush defended his environmental policies. “People, I mean we all know that this so called ‘global warming’ is caused by cows farting and volcanoes. And this mumbo jumbo that our rivers and streams are polluted; didn’t you see John Stossel jump in the Hudson River. If it’s so polluted, how come he’s still alive? Stem cell research is evil, too. Scientists want to grow babies and then kill ’em folks. That’s just plain evil. Besides, I think I know a little bit more about the world than these smartsy fartsy liberal ‘scientists’. I mean I am the president and I talk to God on a daily basis. We don’t need any more ‘scientific’ studies. If I were doing something wrong here, don’t you think God would say something.”

Vice President Dick Cheney backed Bush’s views. “Our public land is vast and it’s there for Americans to use and exploit. Those damn animals aren’t using it. Why should they have it? Like the great James Watt said, God wants us to subdue nature. I’ll be damned if some fish or butterfly is going to prevent me from making my millions.”

Many citizens have expressed support for Bush’s environmental policies. Lionel Starker of Pusbucket, Arkansas, said, “Me more smart than animal. Me more smart than plant. Me think Bush smart. Me vote Bush.”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “Thanks to President Bush, the Apocalypse is now closer then ever. We need to hurry up and use all of God’s resources before the end of the world. Can I get an amen?”

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You Will Have Fun and That’s An Order!

March 1, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Corporate BS

More Corporate BS and hijinx…this time some fun, fun, fun from our September 26, 2004 issue.

Local Company Enforces Mandatory Fun

Local Internet company, Swellco, Inc. has come up with a sure-fire way to boost employee morale. It has instituted a Fun, Fun, Fun day every last working day of the month.

Marketing manager, Biff Timmons, explained why the day was created. “Lately our employees have been putting in long, long, hours to meet some pretty strict, unattainable deadlines. We’ve just decided that this is our way of saying ‘Gee, Thanks guys! You’re doing a swell job!’ And each Fun, Fun, Fun day will have a different theme. That’s what will make it fun, fun, fun for all!”

This week’s Fun, Fun, Fun day will be called “Rootin’ Tootin’ Rodeo”. Everybody will come to work in western garb. In the morning, there will be a ‘Rope the Li’l Doggie’ contest. Biff Timmons will play the role of the steer. One representative from each department will then try to rope and hogtie him. The winner will get an official looking certificate stating that they won the contest. Then an official ‘western’ style meal will be served at lunch featuring beanie-weenies, potato salad, chips and sarsaparilla. In the afternoon, there will be a ‘Barrel Racing’ contest. In this case, the barrels will be computer monitors, placed randomly and carelessly on the ground around the office. One representative from each department will race around the monitors, and the fastest finisher will win and get branded with a temporary tattoo with the Swellco logo on it. The festivities will end with an official hoedown with western music played on a portable CD player and line dancing.

Employee reaction to the Fun, Fun, Fun day was mostly negative. “God, what a lame-ass idea!” said programmer Mark Seitz. “This is the best idea our marketing department can come up with? No wonder our company is going down the tubes! I think I’ll have a cold that day.”

Web developer Tom Eldred said, “If they really want to improve morale, they should give employees more money or more vacation time. Instead we get to rope Biff Timmons. I’ve had enough already. I’m logging onto Monster!”

CEO Bradley Melkerson had some advice for his employees who may not be enthusiastic about the Fun, Fun, Fun day. “It’s important that employees realize the hard work that went into the planning of the Fun, Fun, Fun day. This day is for you. Therefore, it is mandatory that employees have a good time or else. Oh, and if you break one of those computer monitors during the barrel racing, you pay for it.”

Biff Timmons concluded, “You get beanie-weenies, you get a Swellco Brand tattoo, and you get to rope and hogtie the ol’ Biffer. How could that not be fun, fun, fun?”

 

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Trickling Down

February 29, 2012 bb_admin Articles:Corporate BS, Corporate States of America, There's No Planet B

Our Corporate BS retrospective continues…Here’s an article from our January 18, 2004 issue.

New Drugs To Combat Effects From Environmental Pollution

Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies has released of a suite of new drugs for combating the effects of nuclear radiation and environmental pollution. This is in response to the announcement last month by the National Research Council calling for drugs to prevent effects of nuclear radiation for people living near nuclear plants.

“We feel this is a very timely solution for every American,” said Drugzilla spokesperson, Sally Whitman. “With the relaxed environmental regulations passed by the Bush administration, pollution will most likely increase. But Americans need not worry. We have created a whole new set of drugs to fight the symptoms of pollution. For instance, Nukitol, is for people living near nuclear power plants who may be exposed to radiation. Carbomonoxitol offers relief for urban dwellers who breathe in massive amounts of car exhaust fumes or factory exhaust each and every day. Nixochemitol helps people who may drink contaminated water from mining, manufacturing or chemical plants. Plus we have several other drugs available to aid the average citizen in living with the necessary pollution of modern corporate America.”

Doris May Watkins, a housewife from Corpdump, New Jersey, expressed gratitude for the new medication. “We live right next to a chemical plant and we can’t afford to move. But thanks to these wonderful drugs, my raging migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea can be fixed with just one tablet eight times a day at the affordable price of just $10 a tablet. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Beau Garner, from Dungheap, Texas, who lives next to a nuclear power plant, said, “This is great! Now maybe my gums and my stomach will stop bleeding long enough for me to eat. Maybe my hair will stop falling out, too. I mean I’m only twenty-five for Pete’s sake. I’m unemployed and got no health insurance, but it’ll only cost three quarters of my unemployment check to buy the drugs. That leaves a cool fifty bucks to pay my bills and buy me food for the month. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Whitman warned that the drugs do have possible side effects like cramping, headaches, uncontrollable salivation, seizures, hair loss, heart palpitations, spleen rupture, night sweats, blindness, war flashbacks, bloody stool, heebie-jeebies, bladder infection, tremors, hairballs, sterility, memory loss, incessant flatulence, body rashes,  kidney failure, limb paralysis and an inexplicable urge to listen to parody music by Weird Al Yankovic. Fortunately, Drugzilla makes drugs to combat all of these side effects.

President Bush praised the new drugs. “This is a great victory for the American people and the economy. See, I told you so. By allowing more pollution, all my friends and benefactors are making more money and the economy is being stimulated. Trickle down economics does work. God Bless America!”

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