Here’s some more BS, this time of the political variety. We’ve refrained so far from commenting on the upcoming 2012 Presidential election because it’s still 2011. Remember back in the ’60s and ’70s, candidates usually didn’t start having debates until at least the summer before the election. Now we’re having them a year and two months before the election. And political pundits are declaring that it’s too late for Sarah Palin to run. We’ve got 14 months left. Everyone knows Ms. Ubetcha’s going to end up running. Yes, the 2012 election is gearing up to be one big joke. With that in mind, here’s an article from our May 12, 2007 issue.
Americans Ponder 2008 Presidential Candidates
The 2008 Presidential Election is heating up as the American electorate must choose their next President with a scant 18 months left until the general election. Both Democratic and Republican candidates have fielded questions about the issues in the hopes of setting them apart from each other. Most Americans unbelievably still haven’t made up their minds yet but many offered up their impressions of the candidates so far.
Democrat Ken Brewster of Maltby, Delaware, said “I’m a big fan of cookies so I like Dennis Kucinich. He looks just like a Keebler elf. Hopefully, he’s got some of that elfin magic.”
Texstar Oil Co. CEO Charles F. Townsend IV said, “For my money, I like George W. Bush. He’s done everything we’ve paid him to do. We’ve posted record profits since he’s been in office and he’s turned back just about every environmental regulation that hinders us from cashing in big time. What? He can’t run again because this is his second term. Well, we’ll just see about that. Kendra! Bring me my checkbook! I’ve got a Constitution to mold to my liking.”
Alan Jackson of Cedar Falls, Virginia said, “I’m an African American so it’s pretty obvious who I’m voting for…Mitt Romney. Who else speaks more for the poor, oppressed, disenfranchised black people of America than a squeaky clean, rich, white Mormon?”
Lisa O’Bannon of Walnut Creek, Indiana said, “I’m voting for Sanjaya. He’s sooooooooooo cute!”
David Wichita of Topeka, Kansas said, “I’m voting for Sam Brownback. He doesn’t believe in evolution. He knows that the only way to change your lot in life is by the power of prayer. Well that and sending at least one hundred dollars a month to the good Reverend Bilkwell’s ministries and their prayer specialists. Their prayers count extra don’t you know.”
Noel Chambers of Delshire, New Hampshire, said “I’m voting for that electrifying Democratic candidate from 2004. He was absolutely unforgettable. Oh, what was his name? I can see him so clearly in my mind’s eye right now. He was really wooden, had great hair and had a monotone speaking voice. Gore!…no wait that was 2000. Dukakis!…no that was in ’88. Mondale…no that was in 1984. Kerry, that’s it. Wow! I just had a revelation. I know why the Democrats have lost so many Presidential elections since 1980.”
Janice Meese of Conrad, Oklahoma said, “Most people think that as a woman, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton. But I believe a woman just shouldn’t be President. According to the Bible, the woman’s place is in the home, raising the kids, and cooking the meals. Why if I don’t have dinner on the table at 5:00pm when Jim gets home from work, there is hell to pay, believe you me. And I never question anything Jim says. He’s the man of the house and is therefore always right. Besides, a woman just won’t be able to protect us from those fanatical Muslims. Can you believe how badly they treat their women?”
Drag queen, Nina Broadway of San Francisco, California said, “Giuliani speaks to me for some reason. He’s the only candidate in either party who’s dressed like a woman… oops…that is besides Hillary. But then again, Rudy looks better in a dress than she does.”
“I like that Mike Gravel guy,” said Nick Yankowski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “He’s kind of cross between Fozzie Bear and Admiral Stockdale. Remember him. He was Perot’s running mate in ’92. Remember when he asked during the debates, ‘Why am I here?’ Hah! Hah! We need those kind of madcap antics in this election to keep our minds off what a mess this country is in.”
Staunch Republican Joe ‘Digger’ Belsky of Laughton, Illinois said, “I know who I’m not going to vote for and that’s Bill Richardson. That guy advocates diplomacy, fiscal responsibility and energy independence. Then he says the first thing he’s going to do is withdraw from Iraq and then he’s going to establish a sound, environmentally friendly energy policy. I mean, what kind of moonbeam, wacko, nut job is he?”