Archive for December 28, 2011

Prospector Paul Reckons Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Cornfields

It’s looks like there might be a new front runner in the GOP Con-a-thon 2012 Presidential race; that eternal contrarian, Ron Paul. Really? Ron Paul? The guy who’s been running since 2007 and no one takes seriously? Well, that crusty ol’ codger is leading in some polls with the Iowa caucuses only a week away. Paul has plodded along in the back of the Republican field mostly because of his libertarian views; he’s too conservative for liberals and he’s too liberal for conservatives. However, he has many staunch fans who like his cantankerous demeanor and his all-over-the-map views on issues ranging from his non-interventionist foreign policy to his vehement anti-abortion stance to his pro-prostitution views. We here at the Bucket see him as that ol’ prospector sidekick from the westerns. He’s good for comic relief and pushing discussions and issues forward, but should he really be leading the posse. Con sarn it, we’re agin’ it!

GOP candidate and crusty, contrarian curmudgeon, Ron Paul, reckons he'll rustle up some votes and vittles in ol' I-O-WAY.

Top Holiday Gifts For 2011

The holiday season is in full swing. If you haven’t spent yourself into bankruptcy yet and are still looking for the right gift for that special someone in your life, look no further. Our intrepid staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Take this to the mall and don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads. Holiday shopping is dangerous!

  • A set of masonry drill bits
  • Texas Hold ‘Em Poker Starter Set – For Kids
  • Mazeltel’s Talking Menorah featuring the voice of Fran Drescher
  • Mercenary Jesus Hummel Figurine
  • Lindsay Lohan’s new fragrance: Eau dat Skank
  • Pischer Frice’s My First AK-47 – For Kids
  • A jar of Colon Cleanse
  • A $30,000 Tiffany’s yellow diamond ring with a double-row of white round brilliant diamonds in platinum and 18k gold – Oops…That’s just for Newt and Callista Gingrich
  • Allahsbro’s Lil’ Suicider Fun Kit
  • Joan Rivers’ Do-It-Yourself Skin Tightening Clamps
  • Fear Factor Bug And Testicle Blender – For Kids
  • A barrel of sweet crude
  • ‘My Favorite Kwanzaa Memories‘ audio CD by Mitt Romney
  • A shiny, new Festivus pole

 

God Prefers Patriots To Broncos; Athletes Love Bird Watching

Tim Tebow mania has gripped the sports world. All any sports pundit can talk about these days is how this young, fiery, evangelical christian is taking the football world by storm and leading the Denver Broncos on a football crusade to the promised land of Super Bowl XLVI. There was even a poll on CNN the other day asking people if they thought that Tim Tebow’s meteoric rise is due to God. Apparently, God must prefer Tom Brady and the Patriots to Mr. Tebow because the Broncos got trounced 41-23 today.

We here at the Bucket think the buzz about Tebow is pretty ridiculous anyway. We’re atheists, except for Lamebeard the Pirate, who as a Pastafarian, praises the noodly appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  We feel that if God did exist, he probably wouldn’t care that much about who won a mostly violent, sporting event on a small rocky planet in one of millions of galaxies that exist in the universe. We would think an all-powerful God would have much more fun manipulating nuclear fusion to create a star, starting the celestial mechanics of a fledgling solar system or keeping black holes in line from consuming too much matter and energy. But more and more athletes these days point to the skies after they score a touchdown, make a bucket or hit a home run. We would think that these athletes should always be grateful to their God, not just on good plays. So baseball players shouldn’t just point to the sky after a home run, but also after striking out with the bases loaded, popping out in foul territory or grounding out into an inning ending double play. After all, a good baseball hitter fails seventy percent of the time. Also, if God is supposedly all around us, why point just to the sky? Why not point to a blade of grass, the dirt or a wall. Instead, on sports web sites, we get ‘action’ photos of athletes pointing to the sky instead of smacking a baseball or slam dunking a basketball or hauling in a football with an over the shoulder grab. Hmmm…Methinks there might some christians in professional athletics.

Here’s a photo-toon from our June 26, 2007 edition which offers another possible explanation for athletes pointing to the sky.

Baseball players have been pointing to the sky frequently in recent years showing off their obvious love of bird watching.

 

PatrioTrend’s Gun Toting Inflatible Jesus

Here’s a SKYMart product just in time for the holidays. Get it for that Jesus loving, gun waving, patriotic Teabagger in your life.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchant shopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Just in time for the holidays...Nothing says Merry Christmas America more than this house size inflatable Jesus who is toting an AK-47 and wearing an American flag lapel pin. Prove how much you love America and hate the terrorists by buying the biggest inflatable on the block. As we all know, bigger is better, especially in America. This large, inflatable savior means business and will put the fear of God into all those secular humanists and atheists. Inflate with hot air only. From the leader in trendy, exploitative, expensive, patriotic goods, PatrioTrends. Sale Price: only $12,250.

 

Shows Tonight on The Polka Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Polka Channel. Looks like a barrel o’ fun!

Shows Tonight on The Polka Channel

7:00pm Polka Legends: The Six Fat Dutchman
7:30pm Eddie Blazonczyk’s Accordion Hints: Proper Bellows Control
8:00pm The Jimmy Sturr Polka and Comedy Hour
9:00pm Oom-pa-pa!: The Incredible True Story of the Beer Barrel Polka
9:30pm Accordions and Sex: Confessions of a Polka Groupie

Top Rejected Holiday Television Specials

It’s the holiday season and that means television will be saturated with Holiday Specials like Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and …gulp…The Little Drummer Boy. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! However, our intrepid staff has uncovered some specials that the networks rejected and will never be released on the airwaves. Which is really too bad because some of these look like sure fire crowd pleasers.

  • The Arby’s Oven Mitt Saves Christmas
  • How Santa Gambled Christmas Away
  • Joe Lieberman’s Dreidel Mania
  • Newt and Callista Gingrinch’s Christmas at Tiffany’s
  • Call Me Mistress Claus
  • Harvey The Wino Drinks the Spirits of Christmas
  • Sarah Palin’s Reindeer Hunt
  • Quentin Tarantino’s Candy Cokehead Offs Frosty The Snowman
  • A Very Dick Cheney Kwanzaa
  • Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A Rick Santorum Christmas Nightmare
  • Heidi, the Christmas Hooker and The Motel Room Miracle

 

Looking Out For the Kids

If you’re looking for an educational Holiday gift for the wee ones, look no further than a book written by America’s own self proclaimed culture warrior, Bill O’Reilly. Yes Fox New’s biggest blowhard, who’s only goal in life is to look out for you, has written many a book in his day, but this one speaks to the kids and sets them on the right path; the far right path. Look for it at your nearest book store in the bargain bin.

Neocon talk show host, Bill O'Reilly, whose only goal in life is to look out for you, recently wrote a book to brainwash, er...make that, inform today's youth and help them navigate the mine fields of the evil 'liberal media'.