Archive for Articles:Sports BS

Next Stop: The Big Show

We’re pretty sick of current events, especially the election. So, for a little change of pace, here’s another golden oldie article from our archive.

This is from our May 9, 2004 issue.

Little League Coach Eyes Major Leagues

Coach Marv Dvorak said yesterday that he suspects that he may be getting a call soon from a Major League club because of his club’s performance the last two seasons in the Cactus Corners Little League. His team, the Cubs, comprised of 10-12 year olds, has taken first place in their division each of the last two years.

“There’s no question about it,” said Dvorak. “They’re interested. I’m pretty sure I saw some scouts from the D-backs and Padres in the stands. And why not? I’m the best damn coach in the league. I can see it now. There I am standing in the third base coaching box in Bank One Ballpark, waving in Luis Gonzalez with the winning run.” He paused, chewed on his stale stogie for a moment, scratched his groin and continued. “I’m a natural.”

Many of the kid’s parents have mixed feelings about the coach’s methods. “He is a little hard on the boys,” said Blanche Lewis. “I believe kids need to learn sportsmanship at this age, not bloodlust. I mean he wants my little Jerry to spike the other boys when he’s sliding into bases. He tells the pitchers to throw at the batters. And I don’t know where he got the idea that the Majors are interested in him. I mean those men he thought were scouts work over at the DMV. They were just wearing D-backs and Padres hats. But don’t try and tell him that. He’s convinced his next stop is the Major Leagues.”

Jake Paulsen said, “He works the boys way too hard. My Justin is an honor roll student. He doesn’t have time for three-hour workouts, four times a week. He’s eleven years old and he’s burnt out already. And on top of that, because Justin’s such a Poindexter, Dvorak hardly plays him. That really gets my dander up!”

Mike Appleton agreed, “That guy needs to lighten up. When he’s hitting fielding practice, you should see some of the bullets he’s hitting. And if the boys don’t field it cleanly, he hits it harder to them the next time. If my kid wasn’t the starting second baseman, I might say something.”

The players seem to take Dvorak’s coaching in stride. Starting catcher, Tyler Green, said, “Sure he’s tough on us, but it’s tough love. Like last week when he called me a fat-ass tub of goo who couldn’t catch a cold, I knew he meant that in a good way.”

Dvorak dismissed any criticism. “There are some parents who call my coaching style extreme,” said Dvorak. “All I have to say to them is go screw yourselves you panty waists! My teams are winners.” Dvorak then stopped and barked a command out to one of his players who just got beaned in the face by a fastball. “Jackson! Quit loafing around! Stop your bleeding and get up off the ground, you wimp!”

Super Fan Has The ‘Powah’

The Super Bowl is coming up this week, right here in Arizona. Just like there are people who think they can control events in other parts of the world with the ‘powah of prayer’, there are certain Super Fans who think they can actually influence events on a football field. We thought only Zeus, Odin, God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster could affect sporting contests. You live and learn. Here’s an article from our September 25, 2003 issue about a Super Fan with the ‘powah’.

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday’s Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

“I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday,” said the sixty year old Poston. “It was the first quarter and I was thinking, ‘Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin’ and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it’s touchdown Cardinals!”

“Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, ‘The Cardinals really need to stop him.’ And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!”

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston’s contributions. “Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev’s voice in my head saying, ‘throw the ball, throw the ball’. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up.”

Dexter Jackson concurred. “Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her voice in my head saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit.”

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo’s breakup.

Corporate Sports – A Marriage Made in Hell

One more post with our Sports BS retrospective and the beginning of our Corporate BS retrospective. Well whaddya know…here’s an article from our September 17, 2006 issue that combines BS from the sports world and BS from the corporate world in one convenient article. Who wouldn’t want to work at this company?

Innovative Boss Makes Computer Programming Spectator Sport

G. Terrance Wallace, the Vice President of Technology at software company Conglomeris, located in the Cactus Corners Ocotillo Office Park, recently instituted a novel new program geared at increasing productivity and visibility for his employees as they toil away on a daily basis in their cubicles. Taking a cue from the sports world, the innovative boss has made the cubicles into an arena and has invited people in to watch and cheer on his software engineers as they code and debug programs.

“This is a revolutionary move,” commented Wallace. “Time after time, my programmers complain that they’re working harder than any of those professional athletes and they’re smarter than those athletes but yet they earn decidedly less. Well, I can’t give my programmers a million dollars. That would be ridiculous!” Wallace then chuckled for several minutes and continued. “Seriously, I can’t. But what I can do is increase the appreciation level for their work. Therefore, I’ve built a spectator arena where fans can come and watch these guys work their magic. I’ve built a concession stand where we sell hot dogs and sodas for fans. I’ve given the programmers numbered jerseys, with the Conglomeris logo of course. I’ve managed to coerce Vera and Ruth from Accounting to be cheerleaders. I’ve even printed trading cards with the programmer’s pictures and programming stats on them. We’ve come up with stats like lines written per hour and bug fix quotient; it’s a stat junkie’s wet dream. We’re also in the works for bobbleheads. I predict that this will be the new trend of the future in high tech industry.”

Senior Software Engineer Larry Deaver said, “This is like a dream come true for me. I was never very athletic in school. I was on the chess team, but no one ever came to our matches. But I could code…code like the wind. Now, I’ve got cheerleaders rooting me on with chants like ‘Debug debug go go!’ Nothing motivates you faster than those foxy accounting babes egging you on. I fixed ten Class B bugs and five Class A bugs today. I was as they say ‘en fuego’.” Deaver then pumped his fist and accidentally hit it against his desk. “Ooowwwwieeeeee! Ooowwwwieeeeee! I hurt my mouse hand! Injury time-out! Send in the medic!”

Cheerleader Ruth Rubinowitz said, “Oh this reminds me when I was a wrestling cheerleader in high school; I’m used to cheering at empty arenas. Hey, the boss is giving me an extra dollar an hour to do this gig so I don’t mind. That one programmer with the coke bottle glasses, Dan Schlueter, is kinda cute. Sure he leads the department in introduced software bugs, but he’s due for some bug fixes. C-O-D-E Coooooooode! Yeah!”

Not all the programmers were enthusiastic about the new program. Scott Majewski said, “This is so frigging lame! Look at the cheerleaders. Ruth and Vera both got to be in their late forties.  I’m sorry, baggy sweats just aren’t sexy or motivating. The stands are empty. The hot dogs are staler than the ones at Kwik-n-Easy. The only reason Wallace is doing this is to get on the cover of TechNews. Terry’s a complete egomaniac. Not only that, he’s a bonehead. He wouldn’t know good code if it bit him on the ass. He doesn’t care about good programming practices, he just wants software ready for demos so he looks good to headquarters and to do that, he’s got to push us like sled dogs with gimmicky tricks like this heap of dog dung.”

Database programmer Rick Oswald echoed Majewski’s sentiments. “Screw the trading cards. Pay me what they pay professional athletes and I’ll work my ass off. Hell pay me what they pay minor league athletes and I’ll work my ass off.”

Since the arena was opened one month ago, only two people have showed up to watch the programmers; one was a man who was waiting for a bus and had an hour to kill, the other was a homeless man who wandered in for a hot dog, but soon after eating it, became sick and left.

But Wallace is determined his vision will ultimately succeed. “Oh this will work,” said Wallace confidently. “If the programmers don’t want their jobs to go to India next year, they’ll produce and I’ll be named Executive of the Year by TechNews.” He then laughed maniacally and rubbed his hands together.

Would Ya Just Hit Home Runs Already!

Continuing with our Sports BS…Now that the Super Bowl is over (congrats Giants fans) it’s just a few more weeks until baseball starts spring training. What better time to present an article from our August 16, 2007 issue concerning the national pastime. Over the past several years, the only thing that seems to matter anymore in baseball is if you can hit home runs. Forget strategy like getting on base, stealing second, maybe doing a hit and run. Forget hitting gappers to get maybe a double or triple: fundamental baseball is boring baseball. What matters is hitting a moon shot off the facade in deep center field. That will keep the fan’s attention… for a second or two.

Baseball Changes Rules; Only Home Runs To Count

With Barry Bonds breaking Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s home run record, the popularity of the home run hitting contest in the All-Star Game and the overall emphasis on hitting dingers in today’s games, Major League Baseball has announced that starting next season, a new set of rules will be enforced essentially making the game nothing but a home run contest.

MLB spokesman, Biff Baker, said in a press conference last week, “Basically, we’ve been contemplating this move for the last five or six years. The young players today aren’t interested in getting singles, doubles or triples. And let’s not even mention walks. Boring! No, today’s players want the most money with the minimum effort. Running bases and playing defense is for suckers. The event that seems to get everyone jazzed is the big knock, the dinger, the tater, the big enchilada, the home run. The players like to hit them and the fans like seeing them. So why not cut out all that other crap and make the game a home run hitting contest. We eliminate the pitcher and just place a washed up old hurler out there to throw gopher balls. Then the team that hits the most home runs in 27 at bats wins the game. No running. No diving. No athleticism, period. Of course, this means that players can now play well into old age and we may even get some elite softball players in. This also means that we’ll expand our teams to every major city over 50, 000 people in the nation. Purists are going to be plenty pissed about this move, but Americans must understand: Baseball is no longer a sport; it’s a business. Therefore, we’ve got a bottom line to protect and that bottom line is profit for guys like me.”

Barry Bonds reveled in the new rules. “This is so great. Now I can play until I’m 90. I can make sure no one will ever break my home run record. But just for insurance, I’ll give old Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

However, Hank Aaron announced that he will be coming out of retirement to regain his home run record. “I’ve got news for that pumped up freak Bonds. The Hammer will be coming down on you, big time. I may be 73 years old but I know how to compete with the likes of you. That’s right. I’m giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Light hitting shortstop Danny Rivera, said, “Oh man. I’m screwed. I’ve never hit a major league homer in my life. I’ve made a living on my fielding and my speed. Looks like I’ll be giving Greg Anderson a call for some ‘magic’ cream.”

Old timer, Spanky McDougal, who played left field for the Washington Senators back in the 30s, said, “This is a crying shame. They’re ruining the grand game of baseball. Why back in my day, we smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased women, got a couple of hours of sleep, played a double header, went out on the town and smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased woman…wait a second. What were we talking about?”

Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jim Costello, of Seattle, Washington said, “This is a great move! I love the home run. It’s over in a second, is awe-inspiring and leaves a powerful impact on those who see it…Just like the ol’ Jim meister in the sack. Am I right ladies?”

Curtis Jamieson, of Yuma, Arizona said, “I think it’s great because Yuma will have a major league team now and since I’m one of the leading softball players in town, I’m gonna get a chance to play in the major leagues. So you see, eating donuts and drinking beer is good for you. In your face, health food fanatics.”

Indian transplant Raja Nandakumar, of Charlotte, North Carolina said, “Please. Baseball is so boring. For me the most exciting game in the world is cricket. When Charlotte gets a cricket team, give me a call.”


Imagine No Announcers

More Sports BS… Remember several years ago, when one of the major networks broadcasted a football game without any announcers. What a fantastic idea! Really, is there anything more annoying than these so called ‘experts’ and ‘pundits’ offering their colorful take on every situation during the game? The list of tolerable sports announcers has dwindled so much over the years that we’d rather have no announcers. If only Vin Scully could broadcast every game.

Local Sportscasting Legend Retires; Known For ‘Colorful’ Metaphors

Local Sportscasting legend Jack Brock, a fixture at Cactus Corners television station KQCK the past thirty years, has announced his retirement. Brock has been doing the ten o’clock sports, the Sunday Night Sports show Jock-a-holics and the color commentary for KQCK radio coverage of spring training games for almost thirty years. However, rumor has it that management has pressured Brock to retire due to the declining quality of his remarks especially his metaphors, which often bordered on tasteless.

Station manager Darrin Sprague said, “Jack Brock has served the community well these past thirty years. But his commentary has become, how shall I say, a little too colorful.  We feel this move is best for everybody, especially our legal department.”

KQCK play by play announcer Tony Loman defended Brock. “The man is a legend! He played Major League Baseball for Pete’s sake. So he played five games and struck out all ten times he batted; he still made it to the big show. You got to give him props for that. I think that gives him the right to reel off all those folksy witticisms that seem to annoy everyone else on the planet. He’s like a poor man’s Yogi Berra; a very, very, very poor man’s Yogi Berra.”

“Come on,” said statistician Mark Clark. “The guy’s a fossil! Everybody says ‘Oh, he’s a legend. Everything he says is a pearl.’ The guy’s just a perverted old codger who hates everything and everybody. Why this spring I dug up some fantastic stats on Barry Bonds’ extra base hits while on steroids and handed it to him so he could relay the information to all our loyal fans. How did he thank me? He takes a look at it and calls me gay because I spend all my time looking up stats. Then he tosses it out of the broadcasting booth and into the stands. So what if I’m a single, thirty five year old who still lives with his parents and I dream about earned run average, on base percentage and slugging percentage instead of women; is that so abnormal? Wait… don’t answer that.”

Several fans took time to remember their favorite Brock quotes from over the years. John Flanders said, “My favorite Brockism is the time he was talking about Livan Hernandez, who was a pitcher for the Giants at the time. He said he’s got more pitches than a horny sailor picking up a hooker on shore leave. What a great visual!”

Ken Gray said, “I liked it when he was talking about all the foul tips hit off Mike Piazza’s mask over the years. He said he’s had more balls in his face than Paris Hilton. Pure class all the way!”

Tom Willard said, “I think my favorite Brock moment was back when big ol’ Ted ‘Bull’ Linderman was doing play by play back in the ‘80s. Well, this light hitting shortstop named Tony Ferrara hit a home run over the left field fence and was zipping around the bases full speed. He was back at home plate before you knew it and Jack commented that Ferrara rounded the bases quicker than ol’ Bull does with his wife in the bedroom. Well, all you heard on the radio was lots of cursing, a big crash and plenty of static. Turns out ol’ Bull punched Brock’s lights out, knocked out a press box window, and hung Brock out by his belt loops on a rusty nail outside the press box right over the stands. Brock hung there all night screaming for help until finally a janitor felt sorry for him and got him down the next morning. Man, did he have a wedgie! Ol’ Bull quit after that game and joined the ice capades. And Brock…well he became a broadcasting legend.”

When asked on what he was going to do after retirement, Brock exclaimed, “What am I going to do? Goddammit, that’s a stupid question! I got one word for ya! Hookers! Lots of ‘em! I’m going down to Tijuana and do some color commentary in the ol’ boudoir, if you get my drift. So long suckers!”

Rewind: Top Excuses For 2006 Arizona Cardinals

Back to our Sports BS… and picking on the pre-Ken Whisenhunt Arizona Cardinals. Here’s a BilgeBucket List from our November 13, 2006 issue.

Well it’s November so that means the football Cardinals are battling it out for the cellar of their division. Since the Cardinals moved to the Valley of the Sun in 1988, they’ve had one winning season in 1998 with a record of 9-7. They did win a first round playoff game against the Cowboys that year, but come on; this team bites it! Year in and year out, this teams finds a way to lose! Playing in a brand new stadium, the Cardinals are 1-8 and are the worst team in the NFL. What’s the one constant lo these many years: dweebish owner Bill Bidwell. So we say to Mr. Bidwell, do the football fans of Arizona a favor and just sell this team already! Now that our soapbox moment has passed, we present the top excuses for this year’s Cardinals team.

  • Our new multi-million dollar stadium is nice but we need a newer one if we’re going to have a winning record
  • The opponents make funny faces and we start laughing
  • We can’t seem to play well if people are watching us
  • We are grossly underpaid
  • Matt Leinart is distracted by all the commercial scripts he’s got to memorize
  • We can’t run because our cheerleaders keep giving us boners
  • Coach Green scares us
  • It’s too damn hot here!
  • We keep thinking about those BBQ Ribs at Mr. B’s Bowtie Barbecue
  • We’re still recovering from quarterback Jim Hart’s retirement in the early ‘80s
  • We need a mascot a little more intimidating than an 8 inch, seed eating, red bird; we’re friggin’ football players damn it!
  • We’re blinded by Bill Bidwell’s incandescent charisma


The Wide World of $ports

The biggest sporting event in America occurs this weekend when the New England Patriots meet the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI. What a perfect time to reflect on the BS which is professional sports. We’re presenting archived articles all this week which celebrate the follies of the pro sporting world and the people who cover it. Besides we need a break from all the political BS happening now in Con-a-thon 2012. Does anybody really care about the Republican debates or primaries any more? We support Newt Gingrich’s moon base if we can put all the Republican candidates there forever.

Speaking of the New England Patriots, here’s an article from our February 13, 2005 issue, right after Super Bowl XXXIX. Amazingly, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson are stillshoveling it…broadcasting every Sunday on the NFL on Fox. Thank goodness for the mute button.

Fox Sportscasters Agree: Patriots Are A ‘Dynasty’

Last week, the New England Patriots captured their third Super Bowl in four years by beating the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21 in Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, Florida. Almost 86 million people tuned into watch as the Fox Sportscasting team of James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson discussed the Patriots victory.

Bradshaw declared forcefully, “There is no doubt that the Patriots are a ‘Dynasty’. Look, they’ve won three out of the last four Super Bowls. To me that says ‘Dynasty’ and I’m not talking about the 1980’s T.V. show.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“No question about it,” said Long. “Anytime a team can win back to back Super Bowls, you have to start talking ‘Dynasty’. I mean Jimmy knows all about dynasties because he had the last ‘Dynasty’ back in the ’90s with the Cowboys. You won three out of four Super Bowls from ’92 to ’96. That is a ‘Dynasty’.”

“Yes we did,” said Johnson. “And yes this is a ‘Dynasty’, no doubt about it. The Patriots have won three out of the last four Super Bowls. If there was any doubt before this Super Bowl, there shouldn’t be any now. The Patriots are the new ‘Dynasty’ in the NFL.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“Now don’t forget my ‘Dynasty’ back in the ’70s with the Pittsburgh Steelers,” said Bradshaw. “We won four Super Bowls in six years. We were a ‘Mega-Dynasty’. But I’d definitely have to say the Patriots have a good chance of beating that because they are the new NFL ‘Dynasty’. I mean they’ve won three out of the last four Super Bowls.”

“Absolutely,” said Johnson. “They are a ‘Dynasty’. And they have a chance to be a ‘Mega-Dynasty’. They’re off to a great start with three Super Bowl wins in the last four years.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Brown.

“Yes, they are definitely the first ‘Dynasty’ of the new millennium,” said Long.

“Absolutely!” said Bradshaw. “They are the new millennium’s first NFL ‘Dynasty’.”

“No doubt about it,” said Johnson. “Three Super Bowl victories in four years. They are a ‘Dynasty’.”

By this time most of the 86 million viewers had turned the channel to watch the special Super Bowl Edition of the Antique Road Show.