Archive for February 29, 2016

Christie Sucks Up To Trump

Former GOP presidential candidate and Jersey boss, Chris Christie, did an about face this past weekend and endorsed Donald Trump, fueling speculation on why a so called ‘establishment’ candidate would endorse someone who eviscerated him so thoroughly during the debates. Just another wacky turn of events in the masquerade of democracy called Con-a-thon 2016.

Our favorite tidbit from this though is the supposed humiliation Christie received from Trump during a Tennessee rally, when a hot mic caught Donald Trump telling Christie to ‘Go Home‘. It’s mostly taken way out of context, but it’s still funny. But that’s what life will be like in America if Trump is elected President. Unless you give him your undivided, sycophantic support, he will trash you to no end. And then he’ll trash you for giving in to him; a no win situation…kinda like being in the mob.

Jersey boss Chris Christie hints around about a Vice Presidential appointment, while Donald Trump shoos him away from his spotlight.

GOP frontrunner Donald Trump shows his gracious appreciation to Jersey boss, Chris Christie, for his sycophantic endorsement.

The Powah of TV

We’re sick of current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

There is enormous power in television and visual media. All it takes is one appearance on tv or visual media, whether it’s a commercial, local news or even Youtube, and a normal everyday human being becomes a star; a person somehow better than everyone else just because he or she appeared in front of a camera at the right time and place. Yes – we humans are a strange bunch aren’t we.

This article is from our March 13, 2005 issue.

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggly brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “Like I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”

Jeb? No!!!!!!!!

Well the South Carolina primaries were this past weekend and there was another expulsion from the Republican clown car in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2016. Despite getting help from his brother Dubya, George W. Bush, (or maybe because of it), Jeb Bush bowed out of the presidential race. His campaign was hemorrhaging money and he needed a spectacular finish to stay in the race. Unfortunately for Jeb and the Bush clan, he didn’t get it.

Thus, that means that the so called ‘establishment Republicans’ will have to get behind Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016, or Ohio governor, John Kasich, who somehow is still in the race. What’s so funny here is the con that Donald Trump is not an ‘establishment Republican’. He represents everything the Republican stands for: greed, business and industry above all others, authoritarianism, christianity only, white Americans only. He is the epitome of the Holy Corporate Empire or the Corporate States of America that the Republican party would like the United State to become for all eternity. At the beginning of this stupid campaign season, we thought for sure Jeb Bush or another mainstreamer like Scott Walker would prevail and that Donald Trump was nothing more than a red herring; someone so insipid that he made the rest of the candidates look responsible by comparison. Apparently the Teabagger wing has taken over the Republican party totally and completely. The GOP is officially and blatantly bat shit insane.

Jeb Bush bows out of the Republican presidential campaing with help from his brother Dubya.

It appears that Jeb Bush will have time now to help his brother George W. Bush paint pictures in the bathtub.

 

Jiggery Pokery

The big news this past weekend was that Supreme Court justice, Antonin Scalia, died while on vacation in West Texas. We know it’s bad taste to speak ill of the dead, but Scalia was one of the worst justices ever. The Citizens United vs the FEC and the McCutcheon vs the FEC decisions, which pretty much legitimized the United States as a corporate oligarchy, were two of the worst in the past 100 years and it was because of Scalia and his four conservative activist cohorts on the bench. The news of Scalia’s death was barely even announced over the wires and the Republican crybabies were already whining, crying and politicizing the event. Even the clowns at the Republican Con-a-thon 2016 debate made an issue about it Saturday night.

And why were they crying? Because that’s what modern conservative Republicans do? Well…yes… but also because thanks to a little thing called the Constitution, President Obama gets to select the next Supreme Court Justice, who will most likely lean to the left, thus disrupting the conservative’s hold on the Supreme Court ever since good ol’ Dubya appointed Roberts and Alito to the bench during his term as President. This has upset conservative Republicans so much, that some are suggesting foul play in Scalia’s death, even though the cause was listed as a heart attack from natural causes.

The Senate Republicans have all claimed that the next President should appoint the Supreme Court justice, which will politicize the upcoming election, which may work to the conservative Republican’s advantage. They have also vowed to obstruct any selection Obama makes which may work against the Republicans in the election.

There is precedence here. In 1988, which was an election year,  President St. Ronald Reagan appointed Anthony Kennedy to the bench and called for “prompt hearings conducted in the spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship.”

There’s also the U.S. Constitution which states quite clearly in Article 2, Section 2, Clause 2:

He[the President] shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.”

Since Barack Obama’s second term as President doesn’t end until January 20th 2017, that means he’s still President and he “shall appoint Judges of the Supreme Court”. NOW!!!! Even former justice Sandra Day O’Connor has spoken up and said that the Senate needs to put on their big boy pants and do this. It’s interesting that Republicans like Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell, who claim to worship the Constitution, conveniently ignore it when it appears they’ll not get what they want…like the goddamn little crybabies they are.

Whiny, sucky GOP crybabies are throwing a temper tantrum because President Obama wants to do his job and appoint a new Supreme Court justice.

Whiny, sucky GOP crybabies are throwing a temper tantrum because President Obama wants to do his job and appoint a new Supreme Court justice.

The Ice Queen Goeth

The New Hampshire primaries were this past week and Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump were the big winners on the Democratic and Republican sides respectively. Of course, it also meant that the Republican clown car just got roomier in the continuing sham that is Con-a-thon 2016.

Carly ‘Ice Queen’ Fiorina,  New Jersey boss Chris Christie and some guy named Jim Gilmore decided to suspend their presidential campaigns this week. It was expected that Fiorina would go soon since she wasn’t even invited to participate in the last Republican debate. Her numbers have dropped since her support of a fraudulent video against Planned Parenthood last year. Chris Christie didn’t receive an expected bounce from his thrashing of Marco Rubio in last week’s debate, so he went back to Jersey. And as far as Jim Gilmore goes, he never really had a chance. He wasn’t even in our original photo-toon of the the Republican clown car (see above link). He’s continually polled at 0% so he finally smelled the coffee and said goodbye.

Who’ll be the next to go? We think the eternally sleepwalking Ben Carson will be the next outcast from the clown car since he doesn’t even know when to come on stage (Donald Trump didn’t either for that matter). Stay tuned folks! The six remaining Republican clowns are sure to provide more comedy in the coming weeks.

The latest outcasts from the Republican clown car include Ice Queen Carly Fiorina, Jersey boss Chris Christie and some guy named Jim Gilmore.

The latest outcasts from the Republican clown car include Ice Queen Carly Fiorina, Jersey boss Chris Christie and some guy named Jim Gilmore.

Marcobot 2016 Malfunctions

The big buzz this past weekend is the malfunctioning of Marco Rubio, a.k.a Marcobot 2016, during the latest Republican debate in the fiasco which is Con-a-thon 2016. We’ll just give you a link so you can view the carnage for yourself.

Of course the guy who skewered Rubio, Chris Christie, is not without his bouts of repetition as he belittled Rubio as the ‘boy in the bubble’ repeatedly. Stephen Colbert did a nice job pointing this out as well (at @the 4:00 minute mark). Yes folks; Con-a-thon 2016 is comic gold.

Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016 has a terminal malfunction while Jersey boss, Chris Christie, reminds everybody that Rubio is the boy in the bubble.

Both GOP candidates, Marco Rubio, a.k.a. Marcobot 2016, and Jersey boss, Chris Christie, have a fondness for repetition.

Republicans Receive Iowa Participation Trophies; They’re All ‘Winners’

Well, the Iowa Caucus BS is mercifully over and as predicted, the Republican Clown Car has gotten a lot roomier in the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton finished in a virtual tie and nice guy, Martin O’Malley, wisely decided to end his campaign and devote his time to playing more guitar and doing ab crunches. We’re wondering if Sanders’ strong performance might mean that the ‘liberal’ media might actually start covering his campaign.

On the GOP side, the smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, pulled a surprise and upset frontrunner Donald Trump, mostly by huckstering  the evangelical christian vote. The funny thing about the Republican results is that despite not winning, Donald Trump and third place finisher, Marco Rubio, proudly declared that they were winners, too. Of course, all the egotistical Republicans think they’re winners, even Rand Paul, Mike *uckabee, and Rick Santorum, who all suspended their campaigns due to a complete lack of interest from voters. Then there’s Jeb Bush who finished a distant sixth. But then again, Jeb Bush said several weeks ago, they he prefers being in the back of the pack. Yep, there’s nothing like leading from behind. If he’s not careful he’ll be conducting his campaign from his couch.

It’s interesting to note that *uckabee won Iowa in 2008 and Santorum won in 2012 and of course they went on to…lose badly. Hmmm…we’re hoping that this trend continues in 2016 and Cruz plummets before too long.

Despite losing the Iowa Caucuses  GOP candidates, Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee and Jeb Bush all proudly proclaim they're winners.

Despite losing the Iowa Caucuses, GOP candidates and extraordinary con artists, Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee and Jeb Bush all proudly proclaim they’re winners.