Tag Archive for health

GOP’s Compassionate Christian Healthcare Plan

The Republicans have released their healthcare plan that will replace the Affordable Healthcare Act (Obamacare) and surprise, surprise, it sucks. There’s plenty to hate about this plan called the American Health Care Act(AHCA or Trumpcare); so much so that the American Medical Association, American Hospital Association, American Nurses Association and AARP (among numerous others) have all come out against it. John Oliver did a brilliant and humorous analysis on the plan Sunday night.

So where millions obtained affordable healthcare under Obamacare, it is estimated by the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) that 24 million will lose access under Trumpcare and would have devastating consequences for the old and poor. Not only that, the wealthiest Americans would get enormous tax benefits from the plan. We’re wondering what Jesus would say about the Republican’s compassionate christian effort to deny basic healthcare services to the poor, sick and elderly.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, applauds the new Republican healthcare plan, which will compassionately make getting basic medical services more difficult for the poor and elderly while giving enormous tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, applauds the new Republican healthcare plan, which will compassionately make getting basic medical services more difficult for the poor and elderly while giving enormous tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans.

A Douchey Move

We’ve had a changing of the guard here in Arizona during the last election. Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer has handed over the reigns of her wingnut kingdom to former ice cream magnate Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey). Ducey, not to be outdone on the insanity meter by Indiana’s Mike Pence, this past week signed a bill that prohibits women from using the federal health exchange health care program to pay to an abortion. Also they stated erroneously that doctors have the right to tell women that the process is reversible, a claim critics call junk science. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Republicans are making up science to match their narrow ideology. I mean most Republicans believe angels exist, think the Earth is only six thousand years old and Jesus co-existed with the dinosaurs. Coming soon from the Republican Science Labs: the Sun really does revolve around the Earth.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey's health plan for women who want an abortion is a good old fashioned wire hanger.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey) announces his ‘old fashioned’ health plan for women who may want to terminate a pregnancy.

GOP’s Prayer Health Plan

It’s no secret that the Republicans have been against Obamacare since day 1; I mean they shutdown the government because of it. But at the same time, they’ve offered no plans of their own. But on the contrary…we found an article in our August 31, 2006 issue where the Republicans came up with a fantastic plan that had their party all a- titter with excitement.

Republicans Push New Prayer Health Plan

Responding to the fact that almost 46 million Americans are without health insurance, conservative congressional Republicans are pushing for a new faith based health plan administered by churches instead of insurance companies. Proponents estimate that this new prayer health plan could save people millions of dollars.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who is also a doctor, described the new plan. “This affordable plan works in the following way. The participant phones in a prayer to the health insurance prayer network and our authorized prayer speakers, who are much holier than you, say a prayer for your health and well being. All this for only $50 a month for a family of four. Of course, if you want holier people, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to pray for you, you can opt for the $75 a month plan; for a family of four. What a bargain! Then there is the elite plan where President Bush will pray for you for $100 a month. Just think; God’s chosen one praying for you and your family! You’re sure to stay healthy! These plans don’t cover single people over 18, because in the Lord’s eyes, you must be married to a member of the opposite sex, before your life is worth anything. And no atheists, non-Christians, tree-huggers, free-thinkers, anti-War protesters, abortionists, gun control freaks, gays, lesbians, Democraps or other liberal wackos. To be covered you must convert to Christianity and Republicanism. And what’s more, you don’t need to see a doctor since you’re connected straight to the Lord. It looks like I’m out of business, heh-heh!”

Many in the religious community hailed the plan as revolutionary. “This new health care plan is exactly what America needs,” said televangelist Jerry Falwell. “Every thinking man knows that germs, bacteria and viruses are just the creation of the liberal elite and smartsy fartsy scientists. The only way to truly protect you and your family against illness is to pray, pray, pray.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, said “This is truly a great day for God-fearing Americans everywhere. Soon the evil, godless liberals will die off because they can’t participate in this plan and won’t want to convert. Then America will be cleansed and ready for the Rapture, which will be coming any day now, according to my communications with the Almighty.”

The Union for Advancement of Science spokesman Dr. Alfred Maxwell shook his head and said, “This is absolutely unbelievable. What is going on here? Have we taken a step back into the Middle Ages? What’s next? Witch burnings and inquisitions? I…I…I’m utterly speechless. This does it. I can’t stands it no more. I’m moving to Canada. Sure they’re idea of fun is curling, but at least if I get sick up there, it won’t put me and my family into debilitating debt for all eternity.”

Many Americans seemed relieved about the new health plan. Janice Wilcox of Shannon, West Virginia said, “Hallelujah! I never did trust those scientists and doctors. They said my lousy diet and no exercise was causing my obesity and bad health. Well nuts to them. All I need is prayer! I’m going for the President Bush plan. He talks to God, you know.”

Karl Billings of Tarrington, Georgia said, “At last; an end to all that evil scientific research and knowledge gaining. That stem cell research was just a liberal coverup for murdering innocent embryos. Maybe now people will do the Lord’s work and start killing some Muslims!”

Joe Jones of Lake Runamucka, Tennessee said, “Finally! An affordable risk-free health plan that’s sure to work.”

Gypstone’s Deluxe Mobile Head Massager

Here’s the next trend setting SKYMart product that will surely be a crowd pleaser.

What’s more fun than perusing those in-flight shopping magazines and seeing fun products that everyone needs like ping pong ball cannons, solar powered face fans for your dog, and your very own life-size bronze sculpture of Simon Cowell…all on sale at exorbitant prices? Not much if you ask us. That’s why we’re teaming with SKYMart, America’s favorite in-flight crap merchantshopping mart, to bring you the best in people pleasing products. So break out your credit cards and prepare yourself for debilitating debt!

Have you ever been sitting in the airport and wanted your head massaged? You just can’t ask a stranger to rub his fingers over your noggin: just think of the germs, GROSS! Well, now you can get that much needed relief with the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from the leader in trendy, superfluous health products, Gypstone. Just place the chic looking, form fitting helmet on your head, tighten the lug nuts for a snug fit and relax. Feel the soothing, gyrating, molded plastic buffers rasp over your scalp, as Gypstone’s patented computerized, Massago-motors gently rattle your skull into incoherence. And the best thing is that it’s mobile. You can wear it anywhere: at the store, at the movies, at the bullfights, at the sumo-wrestling matches, driving the car, flying a plane, commanding a submarine or even making out. And since it’s so great looking, members of the opposite sex will find you completely irresistible. It even comes in two colors: Navy Blue and Flamingo Pink. So get ahead of the Joneses and purchase the Deluxe Mobile Head Massager from Gypstone. Sale Price: $25,000. This product may result in dizziness, nausea, and general befuddlement.