Archive for June 30, 2012

It’s Time for Headlines

Here are even more thought provoking headlines from 2004.

Rumsfeld Reveals His Idol Is Cody Banks
Method Man Method Acts
Porn Industry Could Be Screwed
Local Tinker Gives A Damn
Shocking News: Baghdad Tourism Lagging

SCOTUS Interruptus

The Supreme Court decided by a 5-3 decision Monday to disallow the majority of Arizona’s unenforceable SB1070 anti-immigration law, written by former Arizona state senator, Russell “I’m not a Nazi” Pearce, and signed into law by Governor Jan “Skeletor” Brewer back into 2010. But what we found disturbing was that the heart of the law, the stopping of ‘suspected’ illegal immigrants, was upheld. This was the most controversial part of the law because it doesn’t define what an illegal immigrant looks like. This doesn’t matter to the proponents of this law because in their mind an illegal immigrant is Hispanic. The enforcement of this law will open up the state to lawsuit after lawsuit with justifiable complaints of racial profiling. We can only guess as to what kind of suggestions the fertile mind of ‘patriot’ Russell Pearce will come up with for further enforcement of this law.

Former Arizona state senator Russell "I'm not a Nazi" Pearce suggests to Arizona Governor Jan "Skeletor" Brewer a possible way to enforce anti-immigration law SB1070, which he authored.

Shows Tonight On The Celebrity Dancing Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Celebrity Dancing Channel. Watch these shows because if there’s one thing Americans can’t get enough of, it’s celebrities dancing.

Shows Tonight on The Celebrity Dancing Channel

7:00pm Classic Television Show Dances: Adam West and the Batusi
7:30pm Snoop Dogg, The Minuet and You
8:00pm Kirstie Alley Dances Swan Lake
8:30pm Breakdancing with Tony Bennett
9:00pm Great Mating Dances: The Pee Wee Herman ‘Tequila’ Strut
9:30pm Rosie O’Donnell’s Bellydancing Extravaganza

Cactus Corners Forecast – June 23, 2012

It’s officially summer here in Cactus Corners, so that means only three more months of 100+ temperatures. Yay!  Here’s the surprising forecast for this weekend.


Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Author John Steinbeck famously observed that “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” We think this insightful comment best explains why anybody in the United States would vote for putting Republicans back in charge of the country after eight disastrous years of Bushonomics (tax cuts for the rich, spend the country into bankruptcy and the middle class foots the bill). Oh, that’s right. Spiff Romney is rich and he’ll make us all rich, too. Ah, the trickle down myth lives on!

A couple of temporarily embarrassed millionaires contemplate their march to grandeur under a Spiff Romney presidency.

Headlines Again

Here are some more hilarious, funny, mildly smile-inducing headlines from 2004.

Bush Outsources Presidency To India
Local Man Puts Off Procrastinating Until Tomorrow
Shocking News: Oprah On Cover Of O Magazine!!!
Poll Shows Americans Hate Polls
Local Man Hangs Out At Nudist Beach

Ugh. You Choice? Here Choice!

Back in 2006, South Dakota, passed an abortion law that banned abortions even in case of rape and incest. Fortunately, the law was repealed by a voter referendum in November 2006. Did that deter those South Dakota Republicans who feel it it is their responsibility to police women’s uteruses? Not on your life. They passed a tough law last year that lengthens the waiting period for an abortion to three days and to receive counseling (from a religious center of course).

Here’s a photo-toon from our March 17, 2006 issue showing the new state quarter which depicts the only choice possible for a South Dakota woman who may want to terminate her pregnancy.

The U.S. Mint reissued a newly designed South Dakota state quarter to reflect South Dakota's recent ban of abortion even in the case of rape or incest.


Headlines Circa 2004

Here are some headlines from 2004…

Tony Robbins Infomercial Motivates Man To Change Channels
Pyromaniac Starts Dating Old Flame
Congress Passes Resolution That God Bless America Only
Shelter Opens For Battered Fish
Pete Rose Bets That Baseball Reinstates Him

Balancing On The Illegal Immigration Fence

Here’s an article from June 2, 2007 issue which discusses the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 which died in the Senate and was never voted on. It was basically a compromise bill so obviously Republicans hated it, but Democrats also were not fond of it. The article also features that flip-flopper extraordinaire, Spiff Romney. Is Romney for or against illegal immigration reform? Who knows…

Illegal Immigration Bill Explained

Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.

Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.

Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”

President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”

One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”

On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”

Illegal immigrant, Sven Jurgensen, said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”

Even More Headlines

Even more amusing headlines from 2003…

Local Locksmith Concocts Lame-Ass ‘Locktoberfest’ Promotion
Fun Size Candy Bar Not All That Fun
Local Visigoth Sacks Groceries
Tennis Star Indicted For Racketeering
Kalamazoo Man Doesn’t Love Raymond