Tag Archive for Jesus

GOP: Screw Unto Others

Well, the Republicans finally got a ‘victory’, if any sane person can call it that. Of course, it’s at the expense of 24 million Americans and possibly more, especially seniors and people with pre-existing conditions. American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and all the other GOP ghouls in the House were absolutely giddy about their ‘victory’ Thursday as they barely passed their vicious new healthcare through the house 217-213.

By most accounts, this bill is just awful. Millions could lose coverage because of deep cuts in Medicaid and because the bill unfairly penalizes people over 50 by charging them almost 5 times more for coverage than regular people. States could seek waivers to deny certain benefits to people including people with pre-existing conditions. It also gives massive tax cuts to the wealthy to the tune of billions of dollars. The AARP trashed it as well as a coalition of hospitals, nurses and health care providers. So in summary: the poor and the old get screwed, while the rich get richer. And if you have a pre-existing condition, then die already.

If this doesn’t prove that Republicans are sadistic sociopaths who put party over the good of the country and put profits of their wealthy corporate benefactors like big pharma and the insurance industry (these industries have given over $204 million to Republicans since 2010), over people, then nothing else will. Jesus said “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.” Well then, Republicans just took Jesus’ healthcare away. According to the GOP the golden rule now reads: SCREW UNTO OTHERS! Can you live with that christians? If so, then maybe you’re a GOD DAMN HYPOCRITE!

Jesus said 'Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me. Well Republicans just screwed Jesus out of healthcare.

Republicans, like American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and jug eared corporate lackey Paul Ryan, giddily celebrate screwing 24 million people out of healthcare like the good christians they are, thus rewriting the golden rule to read: screw unto others.

The Perfidious Plot of Puritan Pence

Vice President and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, recently grabbed headlines away from Donald Trump, which isn’t easy to do nowadays. First, Pence cast the deciding vote on a bill which paves the way for defunding Planned Parenthood. Donald Trump just signed it into law. Pence is a full fledged evangelical zealot, whose religious intentions seem to be taking America back to the seventeenth century. This bill is an affront to women everywhere, but that doesn’t seem to matter to conservative christian males, who still base their views of women on the antiquated views postulated in the bible. The picture of the people (all white males) who decided women’s healthcare, which has become viral, shows that these troglodytes view women as mere possessions, who should only do household chores, have babies and shut up.

The second incident has to do with an interview Pence did back in the 2002 where he stated that he would never have dinner alone with a woman who wasn’t his wife. While many in the corporate news media defended Pence, claiming how gallant and gentlemanly this is, we here at the Bucket tend to think otherwise. We haven’t come to our atheism and our aversion to evangelical christians without experience. This is blatantly about Pence not wanting to tempt himself, which the article linked to above, addresses. There are many christians who are so sexually repressed that they can’t even say the words vagina or penis without turning twenty shades of crimson and dying of embarrassment. In their minds, sex or anything having to do with sex should not be discussed and any kind of modern thinking on contraception and birth control is wrong.

What makes Pence so dangerous is that compared to Trump, he seems reasonable. He’s becoming normalized by the media and he’s anything but normal. He is a right wing, radical, christian zealot. If he has his way, women’s rights, will be turned back a generation…or more.  We wouldn’t be surprised if Puritan Pence resurrects public shaming of women who have had an abortion or may even want an abortion; akin to making Puritan women wear a scarlet letter on their frocks. Behind that genteel smile, is a perfidious plot to take away women’s rights and return them to the kitchen, barefoot, pregnant and silent.

Vice President and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, who is boldly trying to return America to the 17th century, courageously turns down a dinner invitation from a foul temptress who has a scarlet letter A on her chest indicating that she had or was thinking about having an abortion.

Vice President and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, who is boldly trying to return America to the 17th century, courageously turns down a dinner invitation from a foul temptress who may or may not have had an abortion.

 

Trump: Modern Day Golden Calf

It’s April Fools Day, so what better way to celebrate it then by poking fun at the biggest fool in America and all the fools who support and enable him.

The more the Trump administration falters, the more his enablers come to the forefront and not only lie their asses to the public, but also to themselves. We’ve mentioned again and again in our posts, it’s absolutely astounding that anybody bought Trump’s shit during the campaign season, but here it is April 2017 and he’s president of the most powerful country on Earth. This isn’t an elaborate April Fools Day prank; this is, extremely unfortunately,…REALITY.

But the biggest joke is on the christians who voted for this selfish, greedy, egotistical, materialistic bigoted megalomaniac, who isn’t like Jesus at all. As a matter of fact, he’s the polar opposite. How can christians justify and enable this man, who claims to be for the common person, but yet pursues policies which will leave them impoverished, sick and broken while making his rich, plutocrat brethren even richer? Like we said a couple posts ago, if you make under 100k a year and you vote Republican, you are voting against your own self interests and you are a sucker and a fool. Or to put it in biblical terms, you are worshiping a modern day golden calf and that calf’s name is Donald Trump.

Donald Trump - Modern Day Golden Calf

The biblical story of the golden calf has resurrected itself in the form of American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump.

 

The Confederate Attorney General

There are many horrible picks in American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump’s cabinet, or as we’re calling it here, his Board of Directors. One of the most controversial is Alabama Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (Yeeeesh! Even his name screams the old Confederacy). There has been much said about Sessions history of racist commentary, especially when he was AG of Alabama. We’re atheists here at the Bucket and we’re also very concerned about his statements concerning secular humanists and his desire to make America into a christian theocracy, thus rejecting separation of church and state.

What was notable about the debate concerning his confirmation was that Elizabeth Warren was silenced by the Republicans stating that she was impugning the character of a fellow Senator, conveniently overlooking the fact that they impugned the character of President Obama, who used to be a Senator, for 8 frigging years. All she was trying to do was read Coretta Scott King’s letter opposing Session’s confirmation as a federal district court judge in Alabama in 1986. Fortunately, fellow Democrats, all men, read Coretta Scott King’s letter in entirety the next day….right before the Senate confirmed this bible thumping, racist, bigoted Confederate throw-back as America’s top lawyer.

Confederate Attorney General and good ol' boy, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, assures all the poor, frightened, straight, white, christian males that the good ol' days of the Confederacy will return much to the delight of a Ku Klux Klansman.

Confederate Attorney General and good ol’ boy, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, assures all the poor, frightened, straight, white, christian males that the good ol’ days of the Confederacy are a coming back real soon, much to the delight of a white-sheeted onlooker.

Thou Shalt Grabbeth Her By The Pussy

The fallout from Pussygate continues for GOP nominee Donald Trump. More women have come forward with allegations of improper sexual advances. The orange haired rage monster’s polls continue to drop and he’s in full blamestorming mode, pointing fingers at everyone but himself. But the one thing that continues to astonish most people is that evangelical christians, who blather on and on and on about morality and family values, continue to support this obvious horndog. Maybe we’re missing something…Oh yeah! We completely forgot about Jesus’ little known Sermon at the Strip Club, where he told his fellow apostles “Thou shalt moveth on the bitch, and grabbeth her by the pussy.”

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, defends GOP candidate Donald Trump by reciting his little known Sermon at the Strip Club where "Thou shalt moveth on the bitch and grabbeth her pussy."

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, defends GOP candidate Donald Trump by reciting his little known Sermon at the Strip Club.

 

The Tragedy Of Clogged Prayer Lines

Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay!

In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror!

This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.

Prayer Lines Clogged For Schiavo, Pope

A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.

Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, “Jesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord’s name in vain. Well, I’m sorry J.C! We’ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn’t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.”

President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. “People, we’re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don’t you hate it when you pray for something and don’t get it? It hasn’t happened to me lately, but it’s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can’t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we’re going to have to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don’t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who knows what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!”

Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, “I’ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it’s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We’ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember – we’ve got better connections with the Man Upstairs because we’re holier than you disgusting, degenerate sinners.”

All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, “Well everything has calmed down for now. We were hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously. Yeesh! I ain’t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, that are as old as Methuselah, aren’t going to hold much longer, especially if Bush invades Iran. It’s going to be the apocalypse!” After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, “Are you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.”

The Peachy Keen VPs

The Vice Presidential candidates for the Democrats and Republicans couldn’t be more different from their respective running mates. Mike Pence is pretty much a modern day Puritan and the complete opposite of the bombastic and coarse Donald Trump. Tim Kaine is a walking Disney character and his squeaky clean demeanor is in contrast with the popular perceptions of Hilary Clinton as untrustworthy. Amazingly, the same adjectives are being used to describe both candidates: bland, boring, dull and our favorite, milquetoast.

We think the upcoming debate between the two candidates could be one of the biggest snooze-fests ever. Of course, it will probably be one of the most polite political events ever, too. We do have a bit of advice for the Democrats. If the Democrats don’t want another Dukakis-in-a-tank moment, do not use Kaine as an attack dog. Use Biden, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders or Obama to rip Trump a new one. Kaine is a nice guy. Let him be a nice guy. When he tries to be mean…it just looks bad.

GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.words.

GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.

Trump: Jesus’ Twin?

One of the more perplexing things about the rise of Donald Trump is the support he’s getting from the evangelical christians. We thought for sure they would support supposed ‘savior’ Ted Cruz, but they have overwhelmingly come out in support of someone who is thrice married; a hedonist, morally bankrupt and has at best a sketchy knowledge of the bible. We’re atheists here at the Bucket and we probably know more about the bible than Trump. Samantha Bee recently gave a hilarious analysis of the religious right evangelical’s seemingly hypocritical viewpoint. It’s definitely a lip diddler for us, folks. But then again, we can’t figure out how the hell Donald Trump is the GOP nominee for president.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, admires his ideological twin, Donald Trump, for his greedy, egomaniacal, petty, self-aggrandizing, misogynistic, bombastic, materialistic, deceitful, callous, bigoted, and oppresive nature.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, is stoked that his ideological twin, Donald Trump, looks to be the GOP nominee for president.

Do Unto Your Brother; But Only If He’s Christian

The big news lately in the wake of the Paris terrorists’ attack last week is what to do with the Syrian refugees. Many Americans are against letting them into the country at all, while others are demanding stricter standards for allowing them into the country. While we think sending troops to Syria is a knee jerk reaction, we  think stricter vetting of the refugees isn’t such a bad idea. We should use the same solid background checks that we use for any American who wants to purchase a gun. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? (Side note:Ms. Ubetcha, Sarah Palin, recently piped up and said Jesus would have loved guns.)

We also find it a bit odd that the most christian of the christians of the Republican candidates are saying that only christian refugees should be allowed into the country. Hmmmm…what would Capitalist Jesus have to say about that?

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, confesses his love for guns and suggests to use them on Syrian refugees because Christians rule.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, confesses his love for guns and suggests a use for them to his gun loving Christian followers.

 

Ben Carson: Truth Doctor

As predicted, the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 is living up to expectations. The Donald no longer is the front runner and there is a new flavor of the month in the lead. That distinction now belongs to famed evangelical neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Unbelievably, this man has risen to the top of the GOP heap and in some polls(we suspect extremely errant polls) he’s even ahead of Hilary Clinton. Of course, all this despite Dr. Carson uttering the most non-sensical crap ever to spew forth from a presidential candidate’s mouth. But then you can never be too crazy with this year’s candidates in the Republican clown car. Seriously folks, the things that Carson has said are just mind-blowingly inane.

It appears that Dr. Carson is a pathological fabricator. He claims that he was excessively violent as an ‘impoverished’ child but no one who knew him back then can corroborate his story. He also falsely claimed to have applied for and been accepted to West Point. And this so called man of science doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks the Big Bang is a fairy tale.

In addition, it has recently been documented how that his house is basically a temple to himself. This follows along with the prosperity gospel being taught by many of today’s evangelical preachers, which is why the christian Tea Baggers are nuts for him…you know…because he believes in Jeebus. This despite his actions and viewpoints being mostly against anything Jesus ever said or did. But christians are authoritarians and when someone in authority, like Dr. Carson, says something, the good little sheep believe and obey. And of course, the authoritarian dictating his doctrines, like Dr. Carson, believes the truth is whatever he says it is.

Do Americans really want this chronic fibber as their leader? Well Dubya was president for eight years, so maybe they miss all the lies and deceptions. America is pretty dysfunctional in that respect. We’ve got another year to go in this travesty of democracy so we guess anything can happen. Maybe Jim Gilmore will come out of nowhere and be the next Republican flavor of the month.

Dr. Ben Carson explains that the Pyramids were for storing grain and the Great Wall of China was a big roller coaster much to the delight of his evangelical Teabagger followers.

New GOP frontrunner, Dr. Ben Carson, proclaims to all his evangelical Teabagger sheeple that the truth is pretty much what he says it is.