Liberal Media My Ass – Part ∞

We’ve commented numerous times before here about the myth of the liberal media. But there’s nothing like stats and graphs that prove that the news media is actually very conservative. The web site Media Matters does an excellent job of keeping track of the lies and deceptions of the right wing media, especially Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network. We usually don’t post graphics from other sites, but this one speaks volumes. It shows that on September 12, 2016, the major media outlets spent almost 13 total hours covering the non issue of Hillary Clinton’s health and only 51 minutes covering the real scandal of Donald Trump misusing funds in his so called Foundation. And of course, Fox News said nothing of Trump’s malfeasance.  This probably explains why Trump has gained on Hillary despite his vile, ignorant, inane commentary. It’s kind of like on the Simpsons, when smart, responsible Lisa gets bawled out for getting a 98% on a test instead of 100% and stupid, irresponsible Bart gets a trip to Itchy and Scratchy Land for getting a D on his math test. Yeah, we’re using a Simpsons analogy but so what. Donald Trump is the frigging GOP nominee for President! Con-a-thon 2016 cannot end soon enough!

Graph shows major new media outlets MSNBC, CNN and Fox News spent an inordinate amount of time on Hillary Clinton's health and hardly any time on Donald Trump's misuse of funds in the Trump Foundation.

This graph from Media Matters shows conclusively the ‘fair and balanced’ news coverage of the major news networks.

Pence Loves Dick

This past week, GOP VP nominee and everyone’s favorite Puritan, Mike Pence came out of the conservative closet and proudly pronounced to all that Dick Cheney, architect of that clusterf*ck called the Iraq War, is his VP role model. If we had any respect for this man, (we didn’t), it was completely lost with this confession.

As a policy we started last year, whenever Dick Cheney appears in the press spouting his lies or one of his surrogates like Pence pops up praising him, we’d repeat Cheney’s biggest lie on Iraq. This is precisely the same strategy taken by the Bush Administration and the Republican Fear and Noise Machine, a.k.a The Republican Propaganda Network, a.k.a Fox News; to repeat things ad nauseum until the sheeple get it. Every person in America needs to see this video because it proves that at least one very influential person in the Bush Administration knew the Iraq War would be a quagmire and went ahead with it anyway saying instead that we would be greeted as liberators. Bush and Cheney are liars and need to be prosecuted! PLEASE…take time out and view this video!

Here’s another video released by the White House which shows how wrong Dick Cheney has been about everything and that his credibility level is zero. All we have to say about Cheney is WHAT A DICK!!!

Rewind: The Bush Putin Bromance

As we’ve noted before, GOP nominee Donald Trump and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have struck up quite the bromance lately. But it’s not Putin’s first bromance with a Republican President. George W. Bush and Putin developed quite a chummy relationship back during Dubya’s disastrous presidency. Bush even famously said, “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.”  Wow! Get a room will ya.

As a matter of fact, Trump and his VP nominee, Mike Pence, have stated that they think Putin is a stronger leader than Obama. And why wouldn’t Republicans not like the authoritarian dictator (we know he’s technically president, but come on!). Putin strong arms and bullies everyone and stifles dissent, just like Republicans. Gee, no wonder he has a high approval rating. If you disagree, you die. This is what the Republicans have been after since…well…forever; absolute power and dominance over not just this country, but the world.

There’s a reason why some people consider Putin the most dangerous man in the world; we’re talking James Bond kind of villainous. Putin sees a way to make Russia great again. Putin saw a sucker with Bush and he sees another simp in Trump. If he can cleverly get America to bite on several more disastrous quagmires like Iraq and Afghanistan, which would be likely with the hotheaded Trump in charge(we’re thinking Syria, Iran, Iraq again, North Korea, Ukraine and Mexico – basically World War III), America’s wealth would be bled away again and Russia would return to prominence in the world order.  So go ahead Trump supporters; make Russia great again and enjoy all those new wars in which you’ll be fighting. There’s a reason Millennials hate Trump; with him they have no future.

This photo-toon is from our July 19, 2007 issue.

Putin advises George W. Bush that to rid himself of pesky dissenters, just use a pinch of Polonium 210 and a dash of AK-47 and Voila.

While rekindling their romance recently in Maine, President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin discussed possible solutions to some of their more difficult problems, like dealing with people who disagree with them.

Remembering Aleppo Marx

Last week was a bad week for everyone involved with the farce known as Con-a-thon 2016, (especially we the people who have to endure this shit). Hillary Clinton kept getting hit about her emails and then got pneumonia to boot. Donald Trump’s fraud, lies and deceptions kept proliferating. Matt Lauer completely botched the Commander-in-Chief forum. Anyone else?

Yes indeed! Libertarian candidate and former Republican Gary Johnson had the biggest fail of all last Friday. When questioned about the besieged Syrian city of Aleppo, Johnson replied with a perplexed look on his face, “What is Aleppo?”. Not good! Not good at all…especially for someone who would be making vital decisions in this region for years to come. He’s running for President of the United States, not President of the PTA. He did recover somewhat and even took responsibility for the gaffe saying he needed to do better. But the damage was done. We’re guessing that maybe Johnson should’ve laid off the weed before the interview. The disturbing thing is…he still knows more than Donald Trump.

Libertarian presidential candidate, Gary 'Dude' Johnson' explains that Aleppo was the funniest of the Marx Brothers.

Libertarian Presidential candidate, Gary ‘Dude’ Johnson, explains that Aleppo was the funniest of the Marx Brothers.

Media Whore

It sure was a bad week for Matt Lauer; one where he may reconsider his career as a ‘journalist’. He was roundly panned for his moderating skills at the recent Commander-in-Chief forum, where he interviewed both Democrat Hillary Clinton and Republican Donald Trump. He was noted for repeatedly interrupting Hillary Clinton and letting Donald Trump get away with his lies and misconceptions. We half expected him to curl up on the Donald’s lap and ask him the ultimate softball question: Do you wear boxers or briefs? The general consensus was that he should stick to doing fluff interviews with breezy celebrities on his lame-ass morning show.

Crack journalist and media whore Matt Lauer grills GOP nominee mercilessly on the most vital issue of our times: boxers or briefs.

Crack journalist Matt Lauer grills GOP nominee mercilessly on the most vital issue of our times: boxers or briefs.

Children Of The Don

The adult children of GOP nominee Donald Trump made headlines this past week by releasing a truly creepy ad aimed at Millennials. Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. looked eerily like some combination of the Children of the Corn, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and the Stepford Wives as they seem to be saying to their peers: Vote for our dad… or we will destroy you! It kind of makes us glad that we’re old coots here at the Bucket, and we’ll be kicking the bucket relatively soon. We’d hate to have to live in a world where these soulless husks of human flesh rule over humanity. At least they’ve got a future in horror movies.

Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump command millennials Children of the Corn style to vote for their dad or face complete destruction.

Donald Trump’s children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr,  have released a new ad that commands Millennials to vote for their dad or face the dire consequences.

The Tragedy Of Clogged Prayer Lines

Pope Francis made Mother Teresa a saint this past week so now the catholic sheeple have yet another semi-deity to whom they can pray. Yay!

In honor of this nonsense, here’s another golden oldie article from our archives covering the tragedy that occurs when prayer lines get clogged. Oh the horror! The horror!

This is from our April 10, 2005 issue.

Prayer Lines Clogged For Schiavo, Pope

A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.

Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, “Jesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord’s name in vain. Well, I’m sorry J.C! We’ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn’t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.”

President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. “People, we’re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don’t you hate it when you pray for something and don’t get it? It hasn’t happened to me lately, but it’s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can’t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we’re going to have to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don’t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who knows what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!”

Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, “I’ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it’s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We’ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember – we’ve got better connections with the Man Upstairs because we’re holier than you disgusting, degenerate sinners.”

All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, “Well everything has calmed down for now. We were hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously. Yeesh! I ain’t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, that are as old as Methuselah, aren’t going to hold much longer, especially if Bush invades Iran. It’s going to be the apocalypse!” After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, “Are you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.”

Next Stop: The Big Show

We’re pretty sick of current events, especially the election. So, for a little change of pace, here’s another golden oldie article from our archive.

This is from our May 9, 2004 issue.

Little League Coach Eyes Major Leagues

Coach Marv Dvorak said yesterday that he suspects that he may be getting a call soon from a Major League club because of his club’s performance the last two seasons in the Cactus Corners Little League. His team, the Cubs, comprised of 10-12 year olds, has taken first place in their division each of the last two years.

“There’s no question about it,” said Dvorak. “They’re interested. I’m pretty sure I saw some scouts from the D-backs and Padres in the stands. And why not? I’m the best damn coach in the league. I can see it now. There I am standing in the third base coaching box in Bank One Ballpark, waving in Luis Gonzalez with the winning run.” He paused, chewed on his stale stogie for a moment, scratched his groin and continued. “I’m a natural.”

Many of the kid’s parents have mixed feelings about the coach’s methods. “He is a little hard on the boys,” said Blanche Lewis. “I believe kids need to learn sportsmanship at this age, not bloodlust. I mean he wants my little Jerry to spike the other boys when he’s sliding into bases. He tells the pitchers to throw at the batters. And I don’t know where he got the idea that the Majors are interested in him. I mean those men he thought were scouts work over at the DMV. They were just wearing D-backs and Padres hats. But don’t try and tell him that. He’s convinced his next stop is the Major Leagues.”

Jake Paulsen said, “He works the boys way too hard. My Justin is an honor roll student. He doesn’t have time for three-hour workouts, four times a week. He’s eleven years old and he’s burnt out already. And on top of that, because Justin’s such a Poindexter, Dvorak hardly plays him. That really gets my dander up!”

Mike Appleton agreed, “That guy needs to lighten up. When he’s hitting fielding practice, you should see some of the bullets he’s hitting. And if the boys don’t field it cleanly, he hits it harder to them the next time. If my kid wasn’t the starting second baseman, I might say something.”

The players seem to take Dvorak’s coaching in stride. Starting catcher, Tyler Green, said, “Sure he’s tough on us, but it’s tough love. Like last week when he called me a fat-ass tub of goo who couldn’t catch a cold, I knew he meant that in a good way.”

Dvorak dismissed any criticism. “There are some parents who call my coaching style extreme,” said Dvorak. “All I have to say to them is go screw yourselves you panty waists! My teams are winners.” Dvorak then stopped and barked a command out to one of his players who just got beaned in the face by a fastball. “Jackson! Quit loafing around! Stop your bleeding and get up off the ground, you wimp!”

Republicans May Be Right

Republicans have been vocal in recent years about voter ID laws despite the in person voter fraud being virtually non-existent. (Another article here.) Now, voter ID laws, like the one in North Carolina, are being struck down because basically they are an attempt by Republicans at repressing certain people like minorities from having access to the voting booth.

But with the rise of Donald Trump as the GOP nominee for President, maybe we should have voter restrictions…against Republicans. Let’s say if a person voted for Dubya, Ms. Ubetcha, Sarah Palin and is in the process of supporting the megalomaniac, orange haired rage monster then that person clearly lacks the intelligence to astutely choose a candidate who will run this great nation properly. We would suggest that this person stick to the more basic skills in life like drinking beer, watching wrestling on tv and belching on the couch. It would be a win-win for everyone.

Given the choices Republicans have made over the last 20 years, maybe some people shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Given the choices Republicans have made over the last 20 years, maybe some people shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

The Peachy Keen VPs

The Vice Presidential candidates for the Democrats and Republicans couldn’t be more different from their respective running mates. Mike Pence is pretty much a modern day Puritan and the complete opposite of the bombastic and coarse Donald Trump. Tim Kaine is a walking Disney character and his squeaky clean demeanor is in contrast with the popular perceptions of Hilary Clinton as untrustworthy. Amazingly, the same adjectives are being used to describe both candidates: bland, boring, dull and our favorite, milquetoast.

We think the upcoming debate between the two candidates could be one of the biggest snooze-fests ever. Of course, it will probably be one of the most polite political events ever, too. We do have a bit of advice for the Democrats. If the Democrats don’t want another Dukakis-in-a-tank moment, do not use Kaine as an attack dog. Use Biden, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders or Obama to rip Trump a new one. Kaine is a nice guy. Let him be a nice guy. When he tries to be mean…it just looks bad.

GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.words.

GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.