Our Corporate BS retrospective continues…Here’s an article from our January 18, 2004 issue.

New Drugs To Combat Effects From Environmental Pollution

Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies has released of a suite of new drugs for combating the effects of nuclear radiation and environmental pollution. This is in response to the announcement last month by the National Research Council calling for drugs to prevent effects of nuclear radiation for people living near nuclear plants.

“We feel this is a very timely solution for every American,” said Drugzilla spokesperson, Sally Whitman. “With the relaxed environmental regulations passed by the Bush administration, pollution will most likely increase. But Americans need not worry. We have created a whole new set of drugs to fight the symptoms of pollution. For instance, Nukitol, is for people living near nuclear power plants who may be exposed to radiation. Carbomonoxitol offers relief for urban dwellers who breathe in massive amounts of car exhaust fumes or factory exhaust each and every day. Nixochemitol helps people who may drink contaminated water from mining, manufacturing or chemical plants. Plus we have several other drugs available to aid the average citizen in living with the necessary pollution of modern corporate America.”

Doris May Watkins, a housewife from Corpdump, New Jersey, expressed gratitude for the new medication. “We live right next to a chemical plant and we can’t afford to move. But thanks to these wonderful drugs, my raging migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea can be fixed with just one tablet eight times a day at the affordable price of just $10 a tablet. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Beau Garner, from Dungheap, Texas, who lives next to a nuclear power plant, said, “This is great! Now maybe my gums and my stomach will stop bleeding long enough for me to eat. Maybe my hair will stop falling out, too. I mean I’m only twenty-five for Pete’s sake. I’m unemployed and got no health insurance, but it’ll only cost three quarters of my unemployment check to buy the drugs. That leaves a cool fifty bucks to pay my bills and buy me food for the month. Thanks Drugzilla!”

Whitman warned that the drugs do have possible side effects like cramping, headaches, uncontrollable salivation, seizures, hair loss, heart palpitations, spleen rupture, night sweats, blindness, war flashbacks, bloody stool, heebie-jeebies, bladder infection, tremors, hairballs, sterility, memory loss, incessant flatulence, body rashes,  kidney failure, limb paralysis and an inexplicable urge to listen to parody music by Weird Al Yankovic. Fortunately, Drugzilla makes drugs to combat all of these side effects.

President Bush praised the new drugs. “This is a great victory for the American people and the economy. See, I told you so. By allowing more pollution, all my friends and benefactors are making more money and the economy is being stimulated. Trickle down economics does work. God Bless America!”