media – Page 22 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Children Of The Don

The adult children of GOP nominee Donald Trump made headlines this past week by releasing a truly creepy ad aimed at Millennials. Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. looked eerily like some combination of the Children of the Corn, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and the Stepford Wives as they seem to be saying to their peers: Vote for our dad… or we will destroy you! It kind of makes us glad that we’re old coots here at the Bucket, and we’ll be kicking the bucket relatively soon. We’d hate to have to live in a world where these soulless husks of human flesh rule over humanity. At least they’ve got a future in horror movies.

Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump command millennials Children of the Corn style to vote for their dad or face complete destruction. — Donald Trump’s children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr, have released a new ad that commands Millennials to vote for their dad or face the dire consequences.

The Peachy Keen VPs

The Vice Presidential candidates for the Democrats and Republicans couldn’t be more different from their respective running mates. Mike Pence is pretty much a modern day Puritan and the complete opposite of the bombastic and coarse Donald Trump. Tim Kaine is a walking Disney character and his squeaky clean demeanor is in contrast with the popular perceptions of Hilary Clinton as untrustworthy. Amazingly, the same adjectives are being used to describe both candidates: bland, boring, dull and our favorite, milquetoast.

We think the upcoming debate between the two candidates could be one of the biggest snooze-fests ever. Of course, it will probably be one of the most polite political events ever, too. We do have a bit of advice for the Democrats. If the Democrats don’t want another Dukakis-in-a-tank moment, do not use Kaine as an attack dog. Use Biden, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders or Obama to rip Trump a new one. Kaine is a nice guy. Let him be a nice guy. When he tries to be mean…it just looks bad.

GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.words. — GOP Vice President candidate and modern day Puritan, Mike Pence, excoriates Disneyesque Democrat VP candidate, Tim Kaine, for using the g d words.

In This Corner…

Here’s a shocker: Donald Trump said something outrageous! In keeping with his daily blathering of nonsense, the megalomaniac, orange haired rage monster said recently that he’d love to debate, “But I have to see the conditions”. Yeah…right! Given the Donald’s penchant for wrestling in the past, we here at the Bucket have an idea of what kind of debate he wants; a no holds barred wrestling match with Hillary. Just think of the ratings! But be sure to keep an eye on ol’ hound dog Bill and Melania at ringside(wink, wink).

Democrat Hillary Clinton puts Republican Donald Trump in a headlock in the first ever Presidential Debate/Wrestling Match while their respective mates, Bill Clinton and Melania Trump, get to know each other at ringside.

Square Mileage ≠ Population

The election is less than three months away now and according to polls, Clinton has opened up a sizeable lead over Republican nominee, megalomaniac Donald Trump. But Donald Trump has a crafty plan; just claim the election was rigged and get his echo chamber at Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network to relay and repeat the message ad infinitum to the sheeple who watch it and bingo! – any result that doesn’t turn into a Trump victory is invalid.

We saw this coming back during Con-a-thon 2012, when Donald Trump declared the election was rigged and said he would start a revolution. But we never dreamed in a million years he would actually become the 2016 nominee. He and all Republicans will no doubt use the same old inevitable con that conservative Republicans always use; look at the electoral map and say “Wow! Look at all that red! How could the Democrats have won, when the majority of the map is sooooooo red!” They once again take advantage of American’s poor math skills and inability to grasp that square mileage doesn’t equal population.

To truly grasp the electoral map, one needs to go to Nate Silver’s election site fivethirtyeight.com. He has an electoral map that gives the true representation of what’s happening with the electoral vote, which is based on population, and not the square mileage. So yes, for example, Montana has a lot of square mileage(147,164), but there are more people living in the 372.4 square miles of San Diego California (population: ≈ 1.356 million) than in the whole state of Montana (population: ≈ 1.024 million). So these calls by Trump and his fellow con artist Republicans stating that there’s no way he should be losing are absolute bunk according to Nate Silver’s site. Trump is losing and losing badly. If you have any doubts, DO THE MATH!

Donald Trump and his conservative Republicans try to convince their gullible audience that square mileage equals popluation and that the election is rigged if Trump loses. — Conservative Republicans and their cohorts in the corporate media are trying once again to push the old square mileage equals population ploy on its gullible audience.

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

The Art Of The Con 101

We’ve commented ad infinitum about our befuddlement over the fact that megalomaniac Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for president and is somehow ahead in some polls, despite running an absolutely miserable campaign, and presiding over one of the worst Republican conventions in history. It really boggles the mind! Can Americans really be this dense?

It goes back to previous posts(here, here and here) about some lower income Americans seeing themselves as temporarily embarrassed millionaires. They see a rich man like Donald Trump and they buy his con that he’ll make things better and that all that wealth will come flooding in and tricking down(where have we heard that before). There’s a reason why Trump says he loves the poorly educated; they’re pretty easy to con. And you throw in the fact that most Americans are horrendous at math and you’ve got a world class swindle going on right now in the Republican party which could not only affect the United States but the world in a stupendously negative manner.

Take Donald Trump’s claim a few months back that he gave a million dollars to a veterans charity. On the surface that seems pretty generous. But when you consider that his estimated wealth is 4.5 billion dollars, the one million dollar gift is only 0.022 percent (not even 1% folks!) of his wealth. This is like a person with a $1,000 dollars giving 22 cents to the charity; not very impressive in reality. But that’s the beauty of this con and Republicans use it all the time. They claim that these poor billionaires pay millions in taxes every year. To most of the Republican party’s lower income blue collar white workers, this seems like robbery because a million dollars to these people is an absolute fortune. But to billionaires, it’s a drop in the bucket.

For simplicity sake, take a CEO who earns a one billion a year. If the tax rate is 30%, then he should pay $300 million a year in taxes. Most of us would scream bloody murder if we had to forfeit this much money. But this CEO still has $700 million dollars left. He ain’t hurting! He’s still living high off the hog while you’re scraping and scratching just to get by. When he complains and gets his tax rate lowered he’s taking that extra money and selfishly puts it into offshore tax havens or buying up more real estate and mansions. He’s not letting that money trickle down by any means. In fact, he’s leaving us to foot his portion of the tax bill, one that he easily could afford. Money is power and with great power comes great responsibility. The 1% in this country want all the money and power but none of the responsibility. Instead, we, the middle and lower classes, are squeezed and the corporate lackey conservative Republicans the 1% pay off in Congress convince everyone it’s the Liberals or the Democrats fault. The Republicans claim loudly that the rich, like Donald Trump, would never con anyone. Hah! Just look into Trump University and his numerous failed businesses. If you’re supposed to run the government like a business, like many Republicans claim, then Trump is the wrong person to be CEO. The astonishing truth is that if you’re a Trump supporter and you make less than $125k a year, you’re voting against your own interests. In short, DO THE MATH!

Donald Trump claims to give a million dollars to chairty which accounts to a not so generous 0.022 percent of his $4.5 billion dollar wealth. — Thanks to the atrocious and pathetic math skills of Americans, authoritarian. megalomaniac con artist, Donald Trump, is on the verge of becoming President.

The Puritan Party

Well, the RNC has come and gone and it’s been every bit a clusterf*ck as predicted. Some highlights(or lowlights): Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech – Trump’s campaign denied then admitted the fraud; the so called anti-Trump movement never really gets going; Pence bores everyone to sleep; a tepid endorsement from Paul Ryan; and the smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, still licking his wounds from his defeat in the Republican primaries, refuses to endorse Donald Trump. When your top celebrity endorser is Scott Baio from Joanie Loves Chachi, you know it’s bad. To top it off, Trump delivered a lie filled acceptance speech in an effort to make his supporters shit their pants in fear. Wow! What a sucky, sucky, suck ass Party!

But one thing that is incredibly disturbing is the platform adopted by the Republicans. It looks like it was written by extremist, far right wing, evangelical christians. You might as well call the Republican Party the Puritan Party now. Among the more dismaying platform points: appoint anti-choice Supreme Court justices; legalize anti-LGBT discrimination; pass an anti-choice constitutional amendment; end funding for Planned Parenthood; repeal environmental protection laws; ignore climate change; expand fracking and burying nuclear waste; privatize Medicare; cut food stamps; require bible study in public schools and (the worst one in our opinion) make christianity the national religion. Apparently, the Republicans want to go back to the ’50s…the 1650s! The Republican party platform also bears a strong resemblance to our fascist checklist we posted several months ago. If there was any doubt before there is no doubt now; with this party platform the Republican party has gone into hard core fascist mode.

Donald Trump introduces Indiana governor and everyone's Puritan pal, Mike Pence, as his ramrod straight, pole up the ass, Vice President candidate. — Donald Trump introduces Indiana governor and everyone’s Puritan pal, Mike Pence, as his ramrod straight, pole up the ass, Vice President candidate.

The Sun Sets On The British Empire

And we thought things were strange in America…

Great Britain took the unbelievable step and decided to exit the European Union yesterday in a stunning move which sent financial markets plummeting around the world. John Oliver gave a humorous yet poignant explanation of Brexit last week and explained why the United Kingdom should stay in the EU even though it can be incredibly frustrating at times. But the British are apparently afflicted by the same illness that plagues America and an increasing number of countries throughout Europe…radical right wing conservatism. Yes, fearmongering and anti-intellectualism is a mighty powerful combination and insidiously effects some people, especially the elderly and the lesser educated, who according to most polls, supported the Brexit. As a matter of fact, Boris Johnson, the Donald Trump of Britain, has hailed Britain stepping into the abyss as a victory. Even Donald Trump, who is visiting one of his golf courses in Scotland, approves. Most analysts concur that this move toward isolationism could have serious consequences for Britain and the rest of the world.

A common theme from all these right wing radicals in Europe and the United States is that they all want to ‘make their country great again’. And apparently, in the mind set of right wing conservatives, making one’s country great again, means isolating itself from other countries and promoting nationalistic tendencies, denigrating immigrants and obliterating multi-culturalism, a policy which wreaked havoc in the 20th century. Britain used to be the biggest, most powerful empire on the planet, with colonies on every continent. However with the Brexit vote, one thing’s for sure: it seems that the sun has finally set on the British Empire.

P.S. If any Brit sees this photo-toon and is offended by it…bugger off! Quite frankly, we feel that you’ve lost any right to look down your noses at Americans after this blunder. Cheerio!

According to a Pythonesque British pepperpot Brexit spokesperson, Britain doesn't like anyone and is just going to take their quids home, have a banger or two and watch the tele which impresses a visiting Donald Trump so much he asks her to be his campaign manager. — A Pythonesque British pepperpot and Brexit spokesperson thoughtfully summarizes the subject, which thoroughly impresses a visiting Donald Trump.

Rewind: Stay The Course!

From the unfrigginbelievable file…

It was just announced that none other than ol’ Dubya, George W. Bush, has come out of retirement to help GOP Senators who are having trouble with their failing campaigns this fall because of the toxicity of the Republican nominee for President, Donald Trump. Isn’t that like calling in an arsonist to put out a fire? It’s amazing that just ten years ago, most sane Americans were thinking the Republican party couldn’t get much worse than good ol’ Dubya and the Bush administration. For those of you with anemic memories who actually have forgotten how horrible George W. Bush was, here’s a short list and a longer list to remind you that he’s the worst President since Herbert Hoover.

Of course, conservative Republicans being conservative Republicans, can never admit that they’re ever wrong about anything. So rather than change direction, they just plow over the cliff and into the abyss. Good luck with that Dubya thingee, GOP.

Here’s a photo-toon from our December 7, 2005 issue.

President Bush shouts his mantra 'Stay the course!', while joyriding his Republican made vehicle, America, off a cliff with Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld. — President Bush shouts his mantra while joyriding his Republican made vehicle, America, off a cliff with Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld.

Paul Ryan: Man Of Integrity

The so called GOP stalwarts, who have so brazenly yelled what a monster Donald Trump is, are falling one by one to the bullying charms of this authoritarian megalomaniac. Bold men like Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio are now sycophantic bootlickers of the orange haired menace. The latest to cave in meekly to the Donald: Republican Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan.

We’ve never really taken to Mr. Ryan. During Con-a-thon 2012, when he was Spiff Romney’s vice-presidential candidate, we noted the several times he just flat out lied or was a complete hypocrite. (Here, here and here.)

Nothing’s changed really. For months, he claimed he wasn’t interested in taking over Speaker of the House for John Boehner and then suddenly …BOOM… he’s Speaker of the House. So I guess this latest development shouldn’t come as any surprise. Paul Ryan has been boldly stating (or conning) these past several months that he just can’t support Donald Trump. But after a ‘very important’ meeting this past week, Ryan now endorses Trump. What a man of integrity! Why shucky darn…with guys like Trump and Ryan leading the way, changing their points of view every time the wind blows, America’s sure to be great again in no time.

Jug eared Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, shows what a man of integrity he is by supporting someone he can't stand like Donald Trump much to the delight of one of his plutocratic overlords. — Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, shows what a man of integrity he is by supporting someone he can’t stand like Donald Trump much to the delight of one of his plutocratic overlords.