Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

Must…Worship….Celebrities!

And now for something completely different…

Remember when there was a dearth of celebrity worship shows? Neither do we. Here’s an article from our January 4, 2004 issue.

American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven’t been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin’ with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!”

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, “I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don’t have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don’t know what she’s doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end.”

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, “I’m all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I’d probably kill myself.”

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, “Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they’re the most intelligent people on the planet. They’re so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that’s all I need to know.”

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. “This is sooooooo fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! OMG! Marilu Henner is cutting her toenails!”

The End Of The World As We Know It

An earth shaking event occurred this past week that affected everyone all over the world and very well could signal the apocalypse. Every news outlet covered it as one of it’s top stories and people and pundits alike are debating the significance and consequences of it. Did another nuclear reactor start leaking radiation? Was there another oil or chemical spill? Did North Korea launch a nuclear missile? Did war break out in the Middle East? No folks, I’m afraid it’s much worse than that.

Which celebrity do we worship now that Justin Bieber has been arrested. Is it the end of the world.
The arrest of teen pop artist, Justin Bieber, on suspicion of a DUI just may bring on the apocalypse.