Tag Archive for celebrity

Rewind: Crappy Infomercial Secrets

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Infomercials have been the bane of 21st century television. If you can’t get to sleep and turn on any cable channel or antenna TV channel, you know what we’re talking about. Everything from orthotics for your shoes to secret beauty treatments to music hits from yesteryear; Americans have been inundated with entire shows devoted with getting you to buy schtufff – schtufff that you really don’t need and may not even work.

We dug up an old article from our August 16, 2007 edition where some washed-up movie actress is trying to hawk her beauty secrets to the unsuspecting rubes who may be watching her infomercial – all for fun and profit.

Star Reveals Crappy Beauty Secret

Television actress, Victoria Primero, who starred in the popular 1980’s night time soap, Shreveport, has recently completed her infomercial touting her secret to beautiful skin; rubbing manure on her face before she goes to bed every night. This odd beauty secret has won many adherents in the celebrity world, who rave about the results, although many consumers seem weary.

“I know it’s hard for some people to believe,” said a beaming Primero, “But I rub shit on my face every night before I go to bed and my skin has never looked better. At first, the smell kind of got to me, I have to admit. But after you get use to it, it’s no problem at all. It also helps if you’re not in a relationship because usually men run for the exit sign when they see me break out my bucket of pig manure and start slopping it on my face. But when it comes to it, I’d rather have beautiful young looking skin than love.”

Young singing sensation and socialite, Tiffany Brittany, also swears by the treatment. “I’m like so totally blown away by this treatment. Like, who knew that shit could be so good for your skin? Not me, that’s for sure. But like make sure you get it all off your face before you go clubbing. Like one time, I didn’t and I was shitfaced before I even got shitfaced. . . . Oh my God! I just now got that!”

Former child star, Linda Doll, swears by it. “Since my career is pretty much dead, I need to pay my bills and support my drug habit. That’s why I love these new manure products that Victoria is hawking on an easily duped public. Take it from me, Linda Doll; it’s good shit!”

Noted Bulgarian dermatologist and psychic, Lazlo Bresniewski, who introduced the treatment to America, explained how he discovered the revolutionary treatment. “I was on family farm as boy and every day my brother, Boris push me into cow shit pile. He make me stay there for hours. In our teen age years, I never get pimples. Boris became, how you say, ‘pizza face’. I think to myself. ‘I think the shit keep me young.’ I work on my theory and perfected it. I tried smearing shit on young girls faces in my village. I would try pig shit, cow shit, donkey shit . . .Oh sure, I would get my face smacked, but the women, they love me when they no get the crows feet when they hit twenty and believe me, women in my country go down hill when they hit twenty. So the women in my village, they love me. They say tell the world. So I come to America and spread my word. I guess you could say my word is shit. Hey, I’m funny, too. Eat your heart out, Yakov Smirnoff!”

Despite rave reviews from celebrities, many people are reluctant to rub feces on their faces. Karen Haren, of Dallas, Texas, said, “I work at the cosmetics counter at Mallards and honestly I don’t think shit will sell all that well. Maybe Ms. Primero ought to hawk her cosmetic product over at Home Depot’s Garden department.”

Daisy Mae Kinlove, of Burris, Missouri said, “Now whys’d I go buy some expensive crap from some hi-falutin’ star when I gots my own slops right out back. And you don’ts just wears it at night. I smears it all over myself. It shore done drive my Cletus crazy!”

Donna Reece, of Los Angeles, California, said, “I know all my favorite stars swear by this treatment, but I just don’t know about rubbing shit on my face. Oh, what the hell. They’re celebrities! There the smartest people in the world! They know better than I do!”

Rewind: Bush’s Pinocchio AG

The Trump impeachment inquiry grinds onward but last week, the 2nd worst president of our lifetime, George W. Bush, a.k.a. Dubya, reappeared in the national arena when a football broadcast showed talk show host Ellen DeGeneres palling around with ol’ Dub Dub, who supported at one time a constitutional amendment against same-sex marriage, at a Dallas Cowboy’s game in luxury seats. This has sparked much controversy, some celebrities being supportive of Ellen’s new buddy and others, like Mark Ruffalo, not so supportive. Given how much we’ve griped about Dubya since 2003, we tend to agree with Ruffalo’s statements. In fact. we say Bravo!

We’ve noted before about the recent normalization of Dubya’s clusterf*cked administration now that Trump is in office. Make no mistake, Bush was awful! His administration tried to undermine rule the law just like Trump is doing now because. . . you know . . . that’s what Republicans do. Dubya lied repeatedly to the public and his Attorney General Alberto Gonzales did for Bush what Bill Barr is doing for the orange haired, megalomaniac man child in the White House. Remember, Gonzales tried to fire federal prosecutors back in 2007 for political purposes. He also had a litany of other controversies, which eventually led to his resignation. That’s just part of the Republican’s eternal blue print to destroy government regulations (or laws!) and privatize everything for the good of the plutocrats of corporate America.

We recommend that everybody review the history of these conservative Republican con artists from the Bush era. They should be held accountable but instead people choose to forget. We like Ellen. But it’s too bad that she is so willing to look past Dubya’s war crimes, because he should be held accountable for them. But, in true conservative fashion, Bush has not apologized and will never apologize for his transgressions, because in his mind, conservatives never make mistakes and to admit a wrongdoing is a sign of weakness. Sound like anybody currently occupying the White House?

Well, in America, we guess when you’re a rich celebrity, money trumps everything else. Who cares if you tortured people and started a war on false pretenses that screwed up the entire Middle East. Let’s enjoy a football game together in luxury seats because we’re famous and wealthy. What Ellen should have done was to offer up her seat to one of the many veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan who lost limbs or who are suffering from PTSD. Better yet, why don’t Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice and all those other millionaires and plutocrats who profited from those wars pay all the medical costs for those veterans who are now suffering. Nope; like everything else, we the people end up paying for everything while the wealthy skate away with their money without a care in the world and without accountability.

Here’s photo-toon featuring Dubya and Fredo ‘Pinocchio’ Gonzales from our June 26, 2007 issue.

President Bush continues to support his embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, despite calls for his resignation from both Democrats and Republicans, following his dubious testimony during the Senate's investigation into the possible politically motivated dismissals of eight federal prosecutors last year.
President Bush continues to support his embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, despite calls for his resignation from both Democrats and Republicans, following his dubious testimony during the Senate’s investigation into the possible politically motivated dismissals of eight federal prosecutors last year.

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.


And now for something completely different…

Remember when there was a dearth of celebrity worship shows? Neither do we. Here’s an article from our January 4, 2004 issue.

American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven’t been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin’ with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!”

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, “I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don’t have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don’t know what she’s doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end.”

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, “I’m all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I’d probably kill myself.”

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, “Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they’re the most intelligent people on the planet. They’re so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that’s all I need to know.”

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. “This is sooooooo fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! OMG! Marilu Henner is cutting her toenails!”

Celebrity Look-a-likes for July 2012

A favorite feature nowadays in many papers across the country is one presenting local citizens who claim that they look like well known celebrities. Well we here at the Bucket know a lame-ass idea when we see it. We’ve asked residents of Cactus Corners, Arizona which celebrity they resemble. The results will astound you!

WARNING – You’re not seeing double folks!

Ruth Thomas: My girlfriends and co-workers at Juggermart say I look like Paris Hilton, especially when I pout and wear my jewel encrusted tiara.
Emil Martin: The kids at school don’t know what they’re talking about. My mommy says I look just like Justin Bieber.
Arthur Dinsdale III: People on the street are constantly stopping me and saying I’m the doppelganger of the 8th President of the United States, Martin Van Buren. CONSTANTLY, I tells ya!!
Stan, Men’s Department mannequin at Stack’s Fourth Avenue: The other mannequins in the store say I’m a dead ringer for Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Quite frankly, I think I’ve got more personality.

Shows Tonight On The Celebrity Dancing Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Celebrity Dancing Channel. Watch these shows because if there’s one thing Americans can’t get enough of, it’s celebrities dancing.

Shows Tonight on The Celebrity Dancing Channel

7:00pm Classic Television Show Dances: Adam West and the Batusi
7:30pm Snoop Dogg, The Minuet and You
8:00pm Kirstie Alley Dances Swan Lake
8:30pm Breakdancing with Tony Bennett
9:00pm Great Mating Dances: The Pee Wee Herman ‘Tequila’ Strut
9:30pm Rosie O’Donnell’s Bellydancing Extravaganza

More Celebrity Look-a-likes

More celebrity look-a-likes, this is from our January 31, 2007 issue.

A favorite feature nowadays in many papers across the country is one presenting local citizens who claim that they look like well known celebrities. Well we here at the Bucket know a lame-ass idea when we see it. We’ve asked residents of Cactus Corners, Arizona which celebrity they resemble. The results will astound you!

WARNING – You’re not seeing double folks!

Richard Munch: People are always telling me that from a distance, oh let’s say about a mile away, I look just like George Clooney.
Britney Spears: I love to visit Cactus Corners and when I do, people are constantly coming up to me and saying that I look exactly like Britney Spears.Wait a second…I am Britney Spears! Like, Duhhhhh!
Craig Lowenstein: The girls I hit on at the dance clubs say I look like some guy named Quasimodo. From the way they run away from me screaming, I’m guessing that’s a bad thing.
Koji Nakayama: I live in an all-white subdivision and all my neighbors keep calling me Kim Jong Il because they think I look like him; you know, I’m Asian and I wear glasses. I’m not even Korean, I’m Japanese, you friggin’ morons!!

Celebrity Look-a-likes

This was one of our favorite features back in the day. This is from our October 6, 2006 issue.

A favorite feature nowadays in many papers across the country is one presenting local citizens who claim that they look like well known celebrities. Well we here at the Bucket know a lame-ass idea when we see it. We’ve asked residents of Cactus Corners, Arizona which celebrity they resemble. The results will astound you!

WARNING – You’re not seeing double folks!

Phyllis Forman:The gals in my canasta club think I’m a dead ringer for Madonna; especially when I’m wearing my black leather equestrian gear.
Boyd Schnee:I think they’re just messing with me but the guys down at the gym say I look exactly like Michael Jordan.
Zippy:I don’t care what the other dogs in the Kennel Club say; Rin Tin Tin and I could be twins!
Nimrod the Clown:I’m always stopped by people on the street who mistake me for President Bush.