Tag Archive for reality show

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

Rewind: Extreme Trump Makeovers

In honor of ‘the Donald’ leading the other Republican clowns in the early months of Con-a-thon 2016 and Dubya writing a fundraising letter for his brother Jeb, we’d thought we would rewind back to a photo-toon we did in our April 25, 2004 issue; back when Trump was king of reality television with his new hit ‘The Apprentice’ and Dubya was using scare tactics on the American sheeple so he could have four more years of ‘presidentin’. Ahhhh! Fun times!

George W. Bush, 'Dubya', uses scare tactics on the American public on the first episode of the of the new reality show, 'Extreme Trump Makeovers'.

Members of the Bush Administration are the first contestants of the new reality show, 'Extreme Trump Makeovers'. From left:Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld.

 

The Junior Corporate Lackey

Wow! Is Arizona lucky or what? We don’t just have one senator who filibustered the recent constitutional amendment to overturn Citizens United, but two! Arizona’s junior corporate lackey, Jeff Flake, joined with the ‘maverick’ corporate lackey, John McCain, to let corporations give as much money as they want to candidates who support their special agenda. Mr. Flake comes from a wealthy and influential Mormon family in Arizona’s sparsely populated White Mountains and despite being a supposed champion against ‘corporate earmarks’, he has continually supported and voted for corporate interests since his days as a congressman. So it shouldn’t be any surprise that he would vote to protect corporate interests because to Mr. Flake, people and corporations mean the same thing. And because Mr. Flake is a political opportunist much like his fellow Mormon Mitt Romney, he’s decided to show the world how ‘bipartisan’ he is by appearing on a reality show for TLC with a Democratic Senator to prove that people in congress can work together. In reality, Mr. Flake is one of those true conservative Republicans who continually votes along party lines against anything the Democrats and President Obama want. So this ‘reality’ show is anything but; it’s pure political theater and grandstanding. We’re Arizonans here at the Bucket and as such we feel we have a right to say this to Senator Flake on his obviously transparent actions…and smile.

Senator Flake Sir, YOU SUCK!!!!

Arizona senator Jeff Flake is a man of the people, if by people you mean corporations and he will also pretend to be bipartisan on his new reality show when in reality he's extremely partisan.

Arizona junior Senator Jeff Flake is not only a man of the people(corporations), he will also pretend to be 'bipartisan' on his 'reality' show, even if in 'reality' he's extremely partisan. Yeah, he knows. He sucks.