Tag Archive for children

Adventures In Flag Coloring

Most of the news this weekend dealt with the death of one of our senators here in Arizona, John McCain. A casual search on our site will show that we were not fans of his politics at all. But, he does deserve to be remembered for his many years of service to this country and this state. Plus, his farewell letter to the nation is first class. Condolences to the McCain family. Rest in Peace, Senator McCain.

Which brings us to America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, who threw an absolute hissy fit about acknowledging McCain’s passing and even ordered the flags to be flown at full staff on Monday, which was soon after reversed. You know that he is fuming about McCain’s final request that Dubya and Obama give eulogies at his funeral and not the orange haired man child.

Speaking of children…Trump completely botched a photo-op this past weekend when he sat down with children to color the flag and started to color one of the stripes blue. Can you just picture Trumpty Dumpty  sitting in a little chair at a little table, his tongue sticking out of his mouth as he draws, peeking over at the other kids to see how they colored things in. In a rare journalistic coup for the Bucket, we obtained a copy of the flag that little Donald colored all by himself. Makes you proud to be an American, don’t it.

America's CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, recently showed off his artistic skill at a photo-op with children by coloring in the American flag the way he sees it.

America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, recently showed off his artistic skill at a photo-op with children by coloring in the American flag the way he sees it.

Children Of The Don

The adult children of GOP nominee Donald Trump made headlines this past week by releasing a truly creepy ad aimed at Millennials. Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. looked eerily like some combination of the Children of the Corn, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and the Stepford Wives as they seem to be saying to their peers: Vote for our dad… or we will destroy you! It kind of makes us glad that we’re old coots here at the Bucket, and we’ll be kicking the bucket relatively soon. We’d hate to have to live in a world where these soulless husks of human flesh rule over humanity. At least they’ve got a future in horror movies.

Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump command millennials Children of the Corn style to vote for their dad or face complete destruction.

Donald Trump’s children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr,  have released a new ad that commands Millennials to vote for their dad or face the dire consequences.

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Once again we’re sick of current events so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

What happens when parents can’t control their delightful little urchins in a public restaurant and the wee ones run amok? Fun times, that’s what!

This article is from our July 25, 2006 issue.

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Most of the patrons at the Bucky’s Burgers at Cactus Corners’ Blue Cactus Shopping Center were absolutely delighted by the antics of Layla Cooper’s six rowdy and rambunctious children last Monday evening. Cooper and her urchins invaded the fast food chain at around 6:00pm and stayed for a full hour charming the customers.

Cashier Danica Drew said, “When Layla came in with her children, the place just livened up immediately. Those kids were running around the dining room, yelling, pushing and punching each other, pulling each other’s hair. They weren’t shy either. They’d run right up to people and scream at ‘em. It was so fun watching those little scamps. Then once their food was ordered, they had a good old fashioned food fight right there in the dining room. They threw everything; fries, hamburgers, drinks. We’re still trying to get those shake and root beer stains out of the carpet. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do right?”

“I’m telling you,” commented senior citizen Gert Metzger. “Those little whippersnappers were delightful. Take that little brown haired boy with the runny nose. I was eating my burger when he comes up and yells in my ear. My hearing aid started whining and I dropped my burger on the floor. Then the little dickens used my shirt sleeve as his Kleenex and wiped his nose all over it. That ragamuffin sure got me good. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?”

Mechanic Al Stanley said, “Well I was sitting on the toilet, reading the latest issue of Cosmo, when all of a sudden I hear all these footsteps. It sounded like a herd of buffalo. Then one of those delightful little sprites kicked open the door and much to my delight all six kids were standing there watching me take a dump and laughing. Then they left the stall door open and went screaming out of the rest room leaving the rest room door wide open to boot. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?… I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…those goddamned little %$^%&#@*((*&&*!*(**@&$.”

Cooper said that she has tried to discipline her kids, but she claims it doesn’t work. “I’ve tried to make ‘em mind, but they just got minds of their own,” said Cooper as she took a drag off her cigarette. “And each of the kid’s fathers ain’t around anymore. Why my last boyfriend ain’t even seen little Chance. That’s him over there, tipping over the trash can. He’s strong for a two year old ain’t he? My current boyfriend and I are trying to have another kid. He’s got a good job, too. He’s a stock boy over at Juggermart. He’s really good to the kids, too, although I’ve seen him letting A.J. have some of his beer. A.J.’s only nine, you know. Angela! Put mama’s cigarettes down honey pie. You’re not supposed to smoke until high school. Besides, everybody just loves my kids. They’re not bad. They’re just spirited and energetic. Yeah, that’s it; spirited and energetic.” She paused and took the cigarette lighter away from Angela. “Besides, we like it here at Bucky’s. We’ll probably come back here next Monday.”

Cashier Drew, upon hearing of Cooper’s upcoming visit, immediately requested the following Monday off.

Let The Children Suffer

Hold onto your hats everyone. Conservative christian Republicans are upset at President Obama! Shocking right? Unaccompanied immigrant children have been crossing the border in record numbers this year and who’s fault is it according to the right wing christians? Obama’s of course, even though the surge is related to law to curb child trafficking passed in 2008 and signed into law by….George W. Bush. What should we do with all these children? Conservative christians have been screaming loudly about the only obvious solution…send the little varmints back. What a great christian attitude! That’s certainly what Jesus would have done…or at least Capitalist Jesus would have done it. Just let holier than thou Bill O’Reilly explain it to you. The new updated Jesus message on little urchins now reads ‘Let the Children Suffer’.

Capitalist Jesus says that the immigrant children should go back to Mexico or rot.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, updates his message on little urchins to now say 'Let the children suffer'.

Uncle Newtie’s Kinder Care Plan

Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has officially commenced the second destruction of his campaign just as polls showed him rising from the ashes from his first disintegration and leading the other GOP hopefuls in Con-a-thon 2012. He recently was quoted as saying that the current child labor laws are stupid and that he would change them as soon as he could if he were President. Hey, we couldn’t agree more. We should return to those halcyon days of the 19th century when labor laws were lax and children were poor and hungry enough to work for a pittance or if they’re really industrious, a cup of gruel. The earlier a child, a.k.a worker drone, realizes that the only purpose for their existence is spending his or her life as an insignificant cog in the machinery of the Corporate States of America, the better off he or she will be. It’s compassionate conservatism, folks. Just accept it and don’t ask questions.

Since Newtie has entered tin foil hat territory, we’re wondering who will be the next flavor of the month for the Republicans? Will it finally be Spiff Romney?(Not bloody likely!) Or will Ms. Ubetcha announce her candidacy after much reflection and encouragement from her Tea Party Patriots? This is better than a Mexican telenovela. Stay tuned America!

GOP candidate and 19th century aficionado, Newt Gingrich, has made the astute observation that children spend far too much time playing and should instead be preparing themselves for a life of corporate drudgery as a wage slave.