Tag Archive for tv

New Republican Health Plan: Just Die Already!

As expected, one of the first actions of the new Trump administration and the GOP controlled Congress is to repeal the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare. This despite the fact that the ACA has helped millions to afford healthcare and repealing it would eliminate insurance coverage for an estimated 32 million people. Everyone agrees the ACA is not perfect, but it is a great first step to something better, the ideal being a single payer health care system and eliminating the health insurance companies completely.  In short, the ACA is working. Not only that, the Republicans have NOTHING to replace it.

But that won’t stop the Republicans from trying to repeal it…because…you know…Obama likes it.  It’s amazing, but there are some people who want to get rid of Obamacare and keep the ACA, not realizing that they are the same thing. Jimmy Kimmel proved this recently on a segment on his show. What does this show? It shows that the Republican Propaganda Machine, a.k.a. Fox News and the right wing media like Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh et al, have been enormously effective at disseminating false news and deceiving the American public. That and a lot of Americans are lacking in the ability to think critically. Want proof? Look who’s President now!

American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his GOP lackeys, Lyin' Ted Cruz, Mitch 'Turtle Boy' McConnell and Paul 'Jug Ears' Ryan have come up with a new health plan for all the sickos out there.

American CEO/Dictator Donald Trump and his GOP lackeys, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, Mitch ‘Turtle Boy’ McConnell and Paul ‘Jug Ears’ Ryan have come up with ‘the best’ new health plan for all the sickos out there.

Liberal Media My Ass – Part ∞

We’ve commented numerous times before here about the myth of the liberal media. But there’s nothing like stats and graphs that prove that the news media is actually very conservative. The web site Media Matters does an excellent job of keeping track of the lies and deceptions of the right wing media, especially Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network. We usually don’t post graphics from other sites, but this one speaks volumes. It shows that on September 12, 2016, the major media outlets spent almost 13 total hours covering the non issue of Hillary Clinton’s health and only 51 minutes covering the real scandal of Donald Trump misusing funds in his so called Foundation. And of course, Fox News said nothing of Trump’s malfeasance.  This probably explains why Trump has gained on Hillary despite his vile, ignorant, inane commentary. It’s kind of like on the Simpsons, when smart, responsible Lisa gets bawled out for getting a 98% on a test instead of 100% and stupid, irresponsible Bart gets a trip to Itchy and Scratchy Land for getting a D on his math test. Yeah, we’re using a Simpsons analogy but so what. Donald Trump is the frigging GOP nominee for President! Con-a-thon 2016 cannot end soon enough!

Graph shows major new media outlets MSNBC, CNN and Fox News spent an inordinate amount of time on Hillary Clinton's health and hardly any time on Donald Trump's misuse of funds in the Trump Foundation.

This graph from Media Matters shows conclusively the ‘fair and balanced’ news coverage of the major news networks.

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

America’s Obsession With Rude Assholes

We were rummaging through our archives and came across an article ten years ago written by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he laments how America seems to be fancying rude assholes and politeness and manners seem to be a thing of the past. Ten years on, with the rise of the King of Rudeness, Donald Trump, things seems to be getting worse rather than better.

This is from our June 19, 2006 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmerica Seems To Be Fancying Rude Assholes These Days

Recently, as I was watching the incredible duel between that Tyler Hick and Nanny McPhee on American Idol, it occurred to me; it seems that people in America seem to be infatuated with rude assholes lately. Not that Tyler or Nanny are assholes. On the contrary; they were delightful breaths of fresh, Mentos flavored air wafting through a flowery meadow. It’s that asshole Simon Cowell that gets my dander boiling! And it seems that every show these days has to have a resident asshole spewing forth offensive expletives and rude commentary. Look at that new cooking show, Hell’s Kitchen. Those people are just trying to cook food for pete’s sake and this chef rips ‘em a new one. Of course, that’s because nothing in America these days is entertaining unless it’s IN YOUR FACE!

Now I know a lot of you are saying, “Well geeeeeeeez Chester! Aren’t you in my face right now?” Well con sarn it, this is different! I’m in your face because I’m old and I’m supposed to be mad at you whippersnappers. I swear if I see one more youngun’ talking on a cell phone while driving… Dag nab it! Now I’m all discombobulated! What was I ranting about?… Oh yeah, America’s fancying of rude assholes. Well folks, this phenomenon goes beyond T.V.; it’s trickling down into every phase of life. I guess you could call it trickle-down insolence.

Look at the music young people are grooving to nowadays; that hippety-hop rappity crap that’s all the rage. Now the beat ain’t all that bad. I have to confess, I’ve tapped a foot or two listening to that Snoopy Dog fella, but the lyrics are down right frightening. Everybody’s capping each other’s asses, slapping their hos and killing cops. Back in my day, we rebelled, but we did it subtly; like taking an extra cookie, or dipping pigtails in ink wells, or giving swirlies to that geeky kid who was always answering teacher’s question. Poor Howie Hughes! I wonder what ever happened to that little nerd. But you don’t see gentle rebellion like that anymore. Now it’s drive-bys, shoot-em-ups and extreme payback. Everybody is all IN YOUR FACE! I’m scared to watch MTV anymore.

Take a look at the political scene. Those right wing radio show hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage have made a name for themselves belittling opposing points of view, spewing forth hateful words and pouring gasoline on the fires of ignorance. Take a look at that Ann Coulter…that is if you can. My God, she’s a walking skeleton! She looks like a meth addict! Has she heard of the concept of food and eating? Anyhoo, she complains that liberals are evil, mean and rooting for the terrorists and then she calls those 9/11 widows harpies and merry widows dancing on their husbands graves! That’s about as rude and assholish as you can get! And then those so called ‘compassionate’ conservatives like David Horowitz enable her by saying stuff like “she’s a national treasure”. Oprah’s a national treasure, you moron! Ann Coulter is just a miserable excuse for a human being! How’s that for IN YOUR FACE, Ms. Coulter? I remember seeing a plaque on the wall in a brothel in Nevada once that stuck with me to this day. It said “Be sure and wear a condom”. Wait… that’s not it… okay… I got it now. It said “Be the change you want to be in the world”. What a beautiful sentiment! Well, I guess the conservatives want the world to be rude, ignorant and full of hate.

Well, I’ve gone beyond my rant limit set by Dr. Mesmer; I’m still recuperating from my latest illness don’t you know. It’s time to calm myself down with an episode of Jerry Springer. Nothing says peace and quiet like squabbling, overweight rednecks who like to make fools of themselves on national television. Jerry, you’re an American treasure, too!

The Powah of TV

We’re sick of current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

There is enormous power in television and visual media. All it takes is one appearance on tv or visual media, whether it’s a commercial, local news or even Youtube, and a normal everyday human being becomes a star; a person somehow better than everyone else just because he or she appeared in front of a camera at the right time and place. Yes – we humans are a strange bunch aren’t we.

This article is from our March 13, 2005 issue.

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggly brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “Like I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”

Rewind: Extreme Trump Makeovers

In honor of ‘the Donald’ leading the other Republican clowns in the early months of Con-a-thon 2016 and Dubya writing a fundraising letter for his brother Jeb, we’d thought we would rewind back to a photo-toon we did in our April 25, 2004 issue; back when Trump was king of reality television with his new hit ‘The Apprentice’ and Dubya was using scare tactics on the American sheeple so he could have four more years of ‘presidentin’. Ahhhh! Fun times!

George W. Bush, 'Dubya', uses scare tactics on the American public on the first episode of the of the new reality show, 'Extreme Trump Makeovers'.

Members of the Bush Administration are the first contestants of the new reality show, 'Extreme Trump Makeovers'. From left:Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld.

 

Must…Worship….Celebrities!

And now for something completely different…

Remember when there was a dearth of celebrity worship shows? Neither do we. Here’s an article from our January 4, 2004 issue.

American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven’t been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin’ with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!”

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, “I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don’t have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don’t know what she’s doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end.”

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, “I’m all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I’d probably kill myself.”

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, “Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they’re the most intelligent people on the planet. They’re so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that’s all I need to know.”

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. “This is sooooooo fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! OMG! Marilu Henner is cutting her toenails!”

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Hey, how ’bout those elections, huh? Kind of makes you want to move to Canada. Hell, this whole month has been nothing but a stunning display of…how shall we say…stupidity. Former healthcare guru, Jonathon Gruber is being lambasted for his comments on the ACA a.k.a. Obamacare in saying that it passed because of ‘the stupidity of the American voter’. Well, everybody’s mad at him for saying that but the election results back him up on this statement. Congress has an 11 percent approval rating and yet the electorate decided to put 96 percent of these clowns back in office. And only 36 percent of registered voters decided to cast their ballots, the lowest voter turnout since WWII. And furthermore, Democrats, instead of touting the success of Obamacare and the many things he’s accomplished in office, act like they don’t know him. Unfriggingbelievable stupidity all the way around!!! They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess Americans are both stupid and insane…what a winning combination! Of course, that does explain why we won’t do anything about gun violence, but we have a conniption fit when an illegal immigrant child toddles across our border.

Despite 11 percent approval ratings, 96 percent of Congress was retained.

2014 election highlights: A majority of the American electorate decided to let a minority of pinheads put 96 pecent of the dumbass corporate lackeys back in office so that they can keep on screwing America. YAY!!!

Shows Tonight On The Poker Network

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Poker Network. Ante up and lose your pants in the privacy of your own home.

Shows Tonight on The Poker Network

7:00pm Kalamazoo Hold-em: The Forgotten Poker
7:30pm Children’s Ten and Under Poker Championships
8:00pm Fitness Training for Poker Players: Killer Wrist Workouts
8:30pm The World’s Funniest Poker Faces with Lady Gaga
9:00pm Paris Hilton’s Stud Poker
9:30pm Poker Under the Sheets

Shows Tonight On The Celebrity Dancing Channel

There are tons of obscure television channels available on cable and satellite dishes. Well, here’s a listing for The Celebrity Dancing Channel. Watch these shows because if there’s one thing Americans can’t get enough of, it’s celebrities dancing.

Shows Tonight on The Celebrity Dancing Channel

7:00pm Classic Television Show Dances: Adam West and the Batusi
7:30pm Snoop Dogg, The Minuet and You
8:00pm Kirstie Alley Dances Swan Lake
8:30pm Breakdancing with Tony Bennett
9:00pm Great Mating Dances: The Pee Wee Herman ‘Tequila’ Strut
9:30pm Rosie O’Donnell’s Bellydancing Extravaganza