Akron Instead Of Dallas?

During our 20th anniversary retrospective last year, we reposted a couple of photo-toons from our Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors feature we had from 2003-2009, postulating that we would resurrect the light hearted feature in the future when we needed a palate cleanser from the dirty world of politics. We’ll here’s our latest installment, just in time to take a break from TFG and his corrupt pals in the joke that is the Roberts’ Supreme Court.

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources takes a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

Today’s completely not made-up authentic rumor is that the smash ’80s TV show Dallas was originally named Akron and set in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. The show was to revolve around the exploits of the Ewing family who were a clan of rubber robber barons. Wow! Does that sound exciting or what? If this show would’ve taken off, people would have flocking to Akron during the ’80s instead of Dallas. Oh, what could have been.

Rumor has it that Dallas was originally named Akron when it was first conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around the Ewing family who were rubber robber barons living in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. Fortunately, veteran actor Larry Hagman suggested that the Ewings be a family of oil tycoons who lived on a sprawling ranch in the Texas city of Dallas, which was experiencing massive growth at the time. The result was one of the most popular television series of all time. The third season cliffhanger episode of "Who shot J.R.?" was one of the most watched episodes ever and made Larry Hagman a megastar. We can only imagine at how quickly the show would have been cancelled had it stayed in Akron.
Rumor has it that Dallas was originally named Akron when it was first conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around the Ewing family who were rubber robber barons living in the rubber capital of the world, Akron, Ohio. Fortunately, veteran actor Larry Hagman suggested that the Ewings be a family of oil tycoons who lived on a sprawling ranch in the Texas city of Dallas, which was experiencing massive growth at the time. The result was one of the most popular television series of all time. The third season cliffhanger episode of “Who shot J.R.?” was one of the most watched episodes ever and made Larry Hagman a megastar. We can only imagine at how quickly the show would have been cancelled had it stayed in Akron.

Rewind: The Rockford Flies?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Here’s the second (and final) of our old photo-toon series called Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors. The intro for this schtick was as follows:

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources takes a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

In this photo-toon from our October 28. 2006 issue, we explore the completely not made-up authentic rumor that the original title of The Rockford Files was actually a transposition of the l and i in the word flies resulting in much more intriguing and hilarious The Rockford Flies. Can’t you just see it now? James Garner as a garbage man solving crimes with two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. We believe it would have been just as good as old TV classics like Mr. T and Tina, Joanie Loves Chachi and Manimal. Oh, what could have been!

Rumor has it that this show was named The Rockford Flies when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around an easy going garbage collector on the gritty streets of Los Angeles who solves crimes with the help of two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. Fortunately savvy star James Gardner suggested to simply transpose the l and the i in the title and make Rockford an easy going private investigator living in a Malibu beach trailer and replace the flies with a human dad. The result was an Emmy winning classic television detective show that lasted six seasons and produced one of the best loved theme songs by Mike Post. We can only speculate what may have happened had the executives kept the original title and premise. We predict it would have challenged Mr. T. and Tina, Joanie Love Chachi and Manimal on the top of the scrap heap of awful television shows.
Rumor has it that this show was named The Rockford Flies when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around an easy going garbage collector on the gritty streets of Los Angeles who solves crimes with the help of two super intelligent talking flies named Buzz and Maggie. Fortunately savvy star James Gardner suggested to simply transpose the l and the i in the title and make Rockford an easy going private investigator living in a Malibu beach trailer and replace the flies with a human dad. The result was an Emmy winning classic television detective show that lasted six seasons and produced one of the best loved theme songs by Mike Post. We can only speculate what may have happened had the executives kept the original title and premise. We predict it would have challenged Mr. T. and Tina, Joanie Love Chachi and Manimal on the top of the scrap heap of awful television shows.

Rewind: Crappy Infomercial Secrets

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Infomercials have been the bane of 21st century television. If you can’t get to sleep and turn on any cable channel or antenna TV channel, you know what we’re talking about. Everything from orthotics for your shoes to secret beauty treatments to music hits from yesteryear; Americans have been inundated with entire shows devoted with getting you to buy schtufff – schtufff that you really don’t need and may not even work.

We dug up an old article from our August 16, 2007 edition where some washed-up movie actress is trying to hawk her beauty secrets to the unsuspecting rubes who may be watching her infomercial – all for fun and profit.

Star Reveals Crappy Beauty Secret

Television actress, Victoria Primero, who starred in the popular 1980’s night time soap, Shreveport, has recently completed her infomercial touting her secret to beautiful skin; rubbing manure on her face before she goes to bed every night. This odd beauty secret has won many adherents in the celebrity world, who rave about the results, although many consumers seem weary.

“I know it’s hard for some people to believe,” said a beaming Primero, “But I rub shit on my face every night before I go to bed and my skin has never looked better. At first, the smell kind of got to me, I have to admit. But after you get use to it, it’s no problem at all. It also helps if you’re not in a relationship because usually men run for the exit sign when they see me break out my bucket of pig manure and start slopping it on my face. But when it comes to it, I’d rather have beautiful young looking skin than love.”

Young singing sensation and socialite, Tiffany Brittany, also swears by the treatment. “I’m like so totally blown away by this treatment. Like, who knew that shit could be so good for your skin? Not me, that’s for sure. But like make sure you get it all off your face before you go clubbing. Like one time, I didn’t and I was shitfaced before I even got shitfaced. . . . Oh my God! I just now got that!”

Former child star, Linda Doll, swears by it. “Since my career is pretty much dead, I need to pay my bills and support my drug habit. That’s why I love these new manure products that Victoria is hawking on an easily duped public. Take it from me, Linda Doll; it’s good shit!”

Noted Bulgarian dermatologist and psychic, Lazlo Bresniewski, who introduced the treatment to America, explained how he discovered the revolutionary treatment. “I was on family farm as boy and every day my brother, Boris push me into cow shit pile. He make me stay there for hours. In our teen age years, I never get pimples. Boris became, how you say, ‘pizza face’. I think to myself. ‘I think the shit keep me young.’ I work on my theory and perfected it. I tried smearing shit on young girls faces in my village. I would try pig shit, cow shit, donkey shit . . .Oh sure, I would get my face smacked, but the women, they love me when they no get the crows feet when they hit twenty and believe me, women in my country go down hill when they hit twenty. So the women in my village, they love me. They say tell the world. So I come to America and spread my word. I guess you could say my word is shit. Hey, I’m funny, too. Eat your heart out, Yakov Smirnoff!”

Despite rave reviews from celebrities, many people are reluctant to rub feces on their faces. Karen Haren, of Dallas, Texas, said, “I work at the cosmetics counter at Mallards and honestly I don’t think shit will sell all that well. Maybe Ms. Primero ought to hawk her cosmetic product over at Home Depot’s Garden department.”

Daisy Mae Kinlove, of Burris, Missouri said, “Now whys’d I go buy some expensive crap from some hi-falutin’ star when I gots my own slops right out back. And you don’ts just wears it at night. I smears it all over myself. It shore done drive my Cletus crazy!”

Donna Reece, of Los Angeles, California, said, “I know all my favorite stars swear by this treatment, but I just don’t know about rubbing shit on my face. Oh, what the hell. They’re celebrities! There the smartest people in the world! They know better than I do!”

Rewind: Talk Show Burnout?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Let’s face it, folks – television is not what it used to be. Reality television SUCKS and the daytime talk shows are just a revolving door of SUCKAGE. We can’t watch two seconds of any daytime talk show without flipping the channel for something else . . . anything else . . . even commercials! Back in the early eighties, there were only a couple talk shows like Donahue and Sally Jesse Raphael. Then Oprah conquered the airwaves which brought a massive influx of semi-celebrities trying to duplicate her success. Then hosts like Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones came on the scene and television was officially swirling the drain. We’ve often marveled at the people in the audience, especially Springer gawkers and wondered why the hell they’d want to be in the audience and watch this bilge in person. Surely, they must be paid to sit through these crapfests. Which brings us to our article published on December 22, 2006 where we speculate on the very real phenomenon of professional talk show audience member burnout. Maybe folks at The View will cover this important issue in a future show.

Professional Talk Show Audience Member Burns Out

Marla Donnelly, a professional audience member for talk shows ranging from Maury to Dr. Phil has resigned from her position citing exhaustion. She is the third professional audience member in the last three weeks to quit her position. Larry Dawson quit in early December and Kathy Corcoran quit last week.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” said a sullen Donnelly. “I mean that last Oprah’s Favorite Things giveaway was grueling, but then Ellen had her 12 Days of Giveaways. I mean a person can only get so excited about a cappuccino maker. I don’t even drink coffee so it was really tough screaming like a banshee when I saw it. Then we were asked to have an orgasm over towels from Ye Olde Hardware Shoppe. Towels for Pete’s sake! I just couldn’t be a screaming Mimi anymore. I had to get out of there.”

Dawson agrees with Donnelly. “I had to take time off because I just couldn’t fake enthusiasm when inside I felt like vomiting. I was doing the Maury show last month and I’m telling you, after the tenth failed paternity test, you just stop caring. Come on! The woman’s a slut if she can’t even pick out the father out of ten guys. These women are worse than Paris and Britney combined. And don’t even get me started on Springer. If I never see another love tryst between a redneck, his three hundred pound wife and his transvestite lover, it will be too soon.”

Corcoran said, “What did me in was the Rachael Ray Show. That rotating platform made me nauseous. Plus we had to applaud every time she added a pinch of cayenne pepper or dash of oregano. I’m sorry, oregano just isn’t that exciting. Not only that, Rachael was just too damn perky. No one’s that perky. Not even Katie Couric was that perky. At the end of one of her shows, I was ready to kill and I sing in my church choir.”

“It’s not surprising,” said audience member manager, Fay Goodman. “It’s not easy these days being an audience talk show member. Back in the old days, there was just Donahue. Then Oprah came on, then Springer, then Jenny Jones. Then everybody and their brother were getting talk shows. Remember Tempestt Bledsoe’s show? Or Charles Perez’s show? Thankfully, most of us have forgotten those timewasters. Now there are so many different shows on so many different networks. I know several of these women rush from Emeril to Martha and then over to Montel. It can really be quite grueling.”

Donnelly however didn’t rule out a return in the future. “I know I’m tired of the routine now but you never really get it out of your system. I know that sometime in the future, I’ll be watching Oprah and I’ll instinctively jump off the couch and start screaming like a howler monkey and send my seventeen cats up the draperies. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Rewind: Commercial TV

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The writers are on strike which means some of our favorite comedy shows have shut down production. This stoppage brings up an old article from our June 26, 2007 issue when we pondered a fall TV season where all the shows featured popular characters from commercials, like the cavemen from the Geico commercials (yes, the cavemen actually had a deservedly short-lived TV show on ABC). Look at the progression: sitcoms, game shows, informercials, reality shows, more reality shows, a reality show President. Everything TV in the 21st century sucks! How many Real Housewife shows do we need? Not even one, if you ask us. Let’s face it, folks; the golden years of Hollywood are very far away in the rear view mirror.

Fall TV Season: All Commercials

Recently, ABC announced that is was going to create a sitcom this fall about the cavemen from the popular Geico commercials. It didn’t take long for the other networks to follow along like lemmings and announce that they too will broadcast shows featuring characters from popular television commercials. As a matter of fact, the whole fall schedule is now devoted to shows based on commercial characters.

“This is an amazing development,” said Brantly A. Burke, assistant programming exec for Fox. “Eight years ago, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ushered in the era of prime time game shows. Then Survivor started the reality show trend which spawned dozens of copycat shows. Well, the new wave is here and its TV shows about commercial characters! What better way to produce revenue for the network than a half hour or hour long commercial. This will be revolutionary! We already have infomercials, which are quasi-entertainment. Why not take the next step and create entire sitcoms which are not only crowd pleasing but also sell a product. It’s rampant commercialism on steroids.”

Geico struck it rich by not only getting a sitcom about the cavemen but also a sitcom featuring celebrity spokesmen Verne Troyer, Peter Graves and Little Richard as door-to-door insurance salesmen and another sitcom featuring the Geico Gecko and his adventures in modern day London.

“It’s really not all that surprising,” said the Geico Gecko in his trademark British accent. “People like to be entertained and they find me adorable. Why not have me on more frequently? It’s like if someone offers you free pie and chips. You’re not going to turn down free pie and chips. It’s pie…and chips…for free. Stop me if you’ve heard this before.”

Burke expounded more about the shows. “Now the whole show won’t be one big sales pitch. There will be some semblance of a plot. But there will be subtle product placement and discussion of the product sprinkled liberally throughout the show. For instance, here’s a sample of dialog from the show featuring Little Richard and Peter Graves.”

Graves: Wow! I’m wiped out. I’m too old to be a door-to-door insurance salesman.

Little Richard: Wooooooooo! I sure hope you have Geico Life Insurance in case you drop dead. Woooooooooo!

Graves: You bet I do! And boy is it affordable!

“See,” said Burke. “Very subtle.”

Examples of some new shows this fall include:

  • Those five knuckleheads from the Alltel commercials battling each other every week in Sell Phone
  • Those wise-acre stand-up comedians from the Sierra Mist ads working, living and laughing together in Play Sierra Misty for Me
  • The Burger King buys an RV and travels the backroads of America creeping out people from all walks of life in Burger King of the Road
  • The return of the Taco Bell Chihuahua in Yo Quiero Mindless Entertainment
  • The Mentos kids starring as MacGyver-like adventurists, who get in and out of trouble each week in a different location around the world thanks to their unlimited supply of Mentos in Have Mentos, Will Travel

The American viewing public seemed very receptive to the new wave of programming. Robin Weller of Boston, Massachusetts said, “Wow! This promises to be very entertaining! It should keep my interest for at least thirty seconds. Oh look. A fly. Bzzzzzzzz. What were we talking about?”

Peter Johnson of Lake Pleasant, New York said, “What a perfect marriage of entertainment and commerce. Being a typical American consumer, I look forward to buying any product that is pushed in front of my face and placing myself in even more debilitating debt.”

Barry Bealle of Jackson, Kentucky said with a glazed look in his eye, “Can’t talk. Must find TV.”

Americans Sure Love Train Wrecks

Well folks, Donald Trump had a really bad week. Speaking of train wrecks, we’ve dug up another appropriate rant by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he complains about the abundance of reality TV shows which revel in people’s crashing, burning and wrecking all for our amusement. We think this rant was ahead of its time considering the current disaster that is the Donald Trump campaign.

This is from our April 25, 2005 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmericans Sure Love Train Wrecks

It’s April again in Cactus Corners. The temperature is almost one hundred degrees and it you haven’t got your air conditioner working yet, you’ll probably be sweating your ass off this summer. I’ve been trying to figure out these past few months how so many people got duped into voting for that walking disaster area Dubya and it got me thinking. I’ve observed what’s on television, what’s in the news, and what’s going on in general in this country and I’ve come to one conclusion; Americans love train wrecks.

Now those of you who have read my columns before are probably saying, “You’re just a cranky, old fussbudget. Shut up you old coot!” Well, dag nab it! Just hear me out. Look at the crap that’s on television nowadays. We get our jollies watching people eat maggots, reindeer testicles and slop we wouldn’t feed our sewer systems. We love watching people self destruct and getting voted off an island or kicked out of an apartment or dragged through the muck by an oxen in a wacky race around the globe. What’s next, a reality show where the losers get the chance to catch live ammunition?

And what the hell is it with our obsession with celebrities. Now Oprah and Jerry Springer I can understand. They’ve both got moxie up the ying-yang, I tells ya! But Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton? These people can barely dress themselves. It’s a miracle Osbourne can even sit in a chair. I’m not sure Anna Nicole even has a brain. I’m sure it’s just ganglia. And that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are nothing but stone cold hoochies! They get through life by batting their eyelashes, flashing a little leg and showing their ample, young, cleavage. Wait! What the hell am I complaining about? I like it when they do that!

And what about the big celebrity trials of the last decade; O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Martha Stewart and that freak Michael Jackson. These trials have been three ring media circuses. I mean people were cheering O.J. on while he’s driving down the freeway, running from the police. Jacko admits he likes to sleep with boys and people are rooting him onward. Those ubiquitous entertainment shows were covering Blake like he’s Jesus H. Christ. Hey everybody! Look at the celebrity in trouble! Let’s watch the wreckage!

Speaking of wreckage, I’ve just seen Growing Up Gotti. What the hell is that! Just because she’s a gangster’s daughter who’s richer than the Vatican, we need to watch their everyday life? Now that Victoria Gotti is pretty hot, but those kids of hers need a good spanking! They gave me an Excedrin headache! Maybe I’m just a simple cactus groomer/web satirist, but people who are poor are interesting, too. Why don’t we see reality shows about Fred Markowitz, the plumber; Gladys Rogers, the social worker; Austin Jackson, the sandwich artist? All we get on television these days is stupid reality shows about incredibly rich, stupid people.

Our society seems to worship stupidity nowadays. What’s one of the most popular shows on television? NOVA? American Experience? No! That airhead Jessica Simpson and her mindless reality show. Even on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or Lamo as I like to call him, that Jaywalking segment celebrates mediocrity. The funniest people are the ones who completely screw things up. These human train wrecks don’t know history, science, math, geography or anything else for that matter. Are you paying attention Dubya? But hey, they may be stupid, but they sure are funny! Sure they’re going to crash and burn, but let’s watch and be entertained.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today. I’ve got some cactus to groom on the back forty. Maybe I’ll take a video camera with me and tape myself running into a cactus. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my own reality show. Or better yet, get elected President.

The Powah of TV

We’re sick of current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…

There is enormous power in television and visual media. All it takes is one appearance on tv or visual media, whether it’s a commercial, local news or even Youtube, and a normal everyday human being becomes a star; a person somehow better than everyone else just because he or she appeared in front of a camera at the right time and place. Yes – we humans are a strange bunch aren’t we.

This article is from our March 13, 2005 issue.

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggly brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “Like I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”