Tag Archive for 2007

Rewind: Diagnosis Mortar?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

We’re still rummaging through our archives and we discovered a fun little photo-toon series that we called Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors. Unfortunately, we only produced a couple pieces but the possibilities for hijinx are endless given that the Internet is the rumor mill on steroids, so we may try resurrecting it in the near future . . . that is if we don’t become a fascist authoritarian nightmare after the 2024 election. The intro for this schtick was as follows:

What’s more fun these days than trivia . . .especially trivia about America’s favorite pastime. No, it’s not baseball trivia. And no it’s not trivia on the sex life of Paris Hilton. It’s the boob tube, the idiot box . . . TV trivia! Yes, and what’s even more peachy keen is this trivia may not even be true; dare we say gossip, because you know, checking sources take a lot of time and we’ve got TV to watch. So we present to you Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors! Yes, we’re talking seconds of entertainment all in one feature.

In this photo-toon from our March 29. 2007 issue, we explore the completely not made-up authentic rumor that the original title of Diagnosis Murder was actually Diagnosis Mortar. Now that would’ve been an exciting TV show, amirite? Dick Van Dyke as a doctor moonlighting as a masonry advisor for Hollywood celebrities? Why, the jokes write themselves!

Rumor has it that this show was named Diagnosis Mortar when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around a respected L.A. doctor, who moonlights as a masonry advisor for celebrities. Fortunately, television legend, Dick Van Dyke, realized the lameness of the premise and suggested that his character, Dr. Sloan, moonlight as a detective solving some of L.A.'s toughest murders. The result was a classic television series that lasted from 1993 to 2001. This despite having Scott Baio on the show for two years. The idea for Diagnosis Mortar was resurrected in 2004 by Fox with star Bob Villa, but was cancelled half way through the show's first commercial break.
Rumor has it that this show was named Diagnosis Mortar when it was originally conceived by Hollywood writers. The show would revolve around a respected L.A. doctor, who moonlights as a masonry advisor for celebrities. Fortunately, television legend, Dick Van Dyke, realized the lameness of the premise and suggested that his character, Dr. Sloan, moonlight as a detective solving some of L.A.’s toughest murders. The result was a classic television series that lasted from 1993 to 2001. This despite having Scott Baio on the show for two years. The idea for Diagnosis Mortar was resurrected in 2004 by Fox with star Bob Villa, but was cancelled half way through the show’s first commercial break.

Rewind: Dubya Caesar

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The Republicans’ embrace of authoritarianism over democracy is no longer in doubt with the recent GOP support of TFG even despite the overwhelming evidence presented in his four indictments, especially the federal case against him for the January 6th insurrection and attempted coup. Trump wants a fascist takeover of this country but so did his Republican predecessor, George W. Bush. Fortunately, for most Americans, the GOP is quite inept at governing so their attempts of hostile takeovers have failed . . . so far. But there were several events during the Bush administration where Dubya pushed to envelope in trying to become Dubya Caesar.

One incident was the firing of U.S, Attorneys in December 2006 which certainly appeared to be politically motivated. However, Bush explained away the dismissals by stating that  “U.S. Attorneys and others serve at the pleasure of the president .” Quite the authoritarian bent, don’t ya think? Bush even protested that Congress wanted to question his lackeys Karl Rove, Harriet Miers and Alberto Gonzales. Apparently, checks and balances aren’t appropriate when Republicans are in power. Hail Dubya Caesar!

Here’s an article about Bush’s defense of his dismissals, selected quote and lil’ Dub Toon from our March 29, 2007 edition.

Bush Defends Secret Testimonies

The recent dismissal of eight U.S. attorneys, apparently approved by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, has shocked many Americans. The Democratic controlled Congress is now asking questions about whether the dismissals were politically motivated given that they were in mid-term and not at the beginning, when most firings occur. In an effort to shed more light on the subject, Congress has asked President Bush’s advisors Karl Rove and Harriet Miers to testify under oath before Congress on the firings. However, Bush has been resistant to any Congressional demands.

President Bush, trying to recapture the glory of the Reagan years, said, “There they go again. The Democrats in Congress are just playing politics again like they’re doing with the war on Iraq, global warming, the gargantuan deficit, the Scooter Libby trial, the Valerie Plame leak, the Abu Ghraib torture scandal, the domestic spying fiasco, the Katrina disaster, the Jack Abramoff scandal, the Tom Delay scandal, the Duke Cunningham scandal, the Enron scandal, the Mark Foley scandal, the Terri Schiavo debacle, the bleak state of health care coverage, and the growing gap between rich and poor. And now they’re gunning for ‘Fredo’ Gonzales, ‘Turd Blossom’ Rove and ‘Dirty Harriet’ Miers. According to my version of the Constitution, Congress is not the boss of me. Therefore, I have executive privileges, as do my faithful bootlicks. Karl Rove, Harriet Miers and others are no under any obligation to testify under oath to anything. Of course, I’m invoking executive privilege. I’ve been privileged my whole life, so why shouldn’t I be privileged when I’m presidenting? Heh-heh.”

President Bush then laid the ground rules for any questioning of his subordinates. “Listen folks. Here are the rules if you’re going to question my people, see. First of all, they don’t have to swear under oath. There will be no Bibles in the room, and no questioners can look them in the eye. They have to be questioned in a secret, undisclosed location, like Uncle Dick’s bunker or our torture chambers in Europe. Any questions must pertain to the following subjects: sports, Texas, or barbeque. They must be able to answer their question while sitting in a recliner, sipping on a nice, refreshing beverage like beer. A big screen TV must be provided in case there is a lull in the questioning. And most importantly, you can’t record their answers. You can’t even remember what they said. As long as these rules are followed, you can ask them anything.”

Harriet Miers said “Oh I may have suggested a few firings here and there. My memory is so hazy these days. All I know is President Bush is the smartest man in this country and I will do whatever he tells me to do. Even go to women’s prison for the rest of my life if it means I protect his privileged white ass.”

Karl Rove said, “Oh my memory is so hazy these days I can’t even remember my raucous dancing from a few nights ago at the White House correspondent’s dinner. But I’m outraged that John Edwards is using his wife’s cancer thing as a ploy to get sympathy at a time when our beloved spin secretary Tony Snow is battling cancer. The nerve of some people!”

Alberto Gonzales said, “My memory is so hazy these days. Actually, my memory is hazy going back to about 2003. I do know I am not responsible for these firings. I don’t know what was going on. I don’t know who authorized it. I don’t even know who works at the Department of Justice. What am I the Attorney General or something? But like I said, I am not responsible.”

Scooter Libby, who was recently convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the leaking of Valerie Plame’s secret identity, said, “Looks like I’ll be getting a new roommate soon. Alberto will make a fine stoolie. Plus, he’ll keep me warm on those cold winter nights.”

“U.S. Attorneys and others serve at the pleasure of the president.”

George W. Bush
03-14-2007

"This attorney's non-Bushiness displeases me. Send him to Guantanamo!"
“This attorney’s non-Bushiness displeases me. Send him to Guantanamo!”

Rewind: Commercial TV

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The writers are on strike which means some of our favorite comedy shows have shut down production. This stoppage brings up an old article from our June 26, 2007 issue when we pondered a fall TV season where all the shows featured popular characters from commercials, like the cavemen from the Geico commercials (yes, the cavemen actually had a deservedly short-lived TV show on ABC). Look at the progression: sitcoms, game shows, informercials, reality shows, more reality shows, a reality show President. Everything TV in the 21st century sucks! How many Real Housewife shows do we need? Not even one, if you ask us. Let’s face it, folks; the golden years of Hollywood are very far away in the rear view mirror.

Fall TV Season: All Commercials

Recently, ABC announced that is was going to create a sitcom this fall about the cavemen from the popular Geico commercials. It didn’t take long for the other networks to follow along like lemmings and announce that they too will broadcast shows featuring characters from popular television commercials. As a matter of fact, the whole fall schedule is now devoted to shows based on commercial characters.

“This is an amazing development,” said Brantly A. Burke, assistant programming exec for Fox. “Eight years ago, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ushered in the era of prime time game shows. Then Survivor started the reality show trend which spawned dozens of copycat shows. Well, the new wave is here and its TV shows about commercial characters! What better way to produce revenue for the network than a half hour or hour long commercial. This will be revolutionary! We already have infomercials, which are quasi-entertainment. Why not take the next step and create entire sitcoms which are not only crowd pleasing but also sell a product. It’s rampant commercialism on steroids.”

Geico struck it rich by not only getting a sitcom about the cavemen but also a sitcom featuring celebrity spokesmen Verne Troyer, Peter Graves and Little Richard as door-to-door insurance salesmen and another sitcom featuring the Geico Gecko and his adventures in modern day London.

“It’s really not all that surprising,” said the Geico Gecko in his trademark British accent. “People like to be entertained and they find me adorable. Why not have me on more frequently? It’s like if someone offers you free pie and chips. You’re not going to turn down free pie and chips. It’s pie…and chips…for free. Stop me if you’ve heard this before.”

Burke expounded more about the shows. “Now the whole show won’t be one big sales pitch. There will be some semblance of a plot. But there will be subtle product placement and discussion of the product sprinkled liberally throughout the show. For instance, here’s a sample of dialog from the show featuring Little Richard and Peter Graves.”

Graves: Wow! I’m wiped out. I’m too old to be a door-to-door insurance salesman.

Little Richard: Wooooooooo! I sure hope you have Geico Life Insurance in case you drop dead. Woooooooooo!

Graves: You bet I do! And boy is it affordable!

“See,” said Burke. “Very subtle.”

Examples of some new shows this fall include:

  • Those five knuckleheads from the Alltel commercials battling each other every week in Sell Phone
  • Those wise-acre stand-up comedians from the Sierra Mist ads working, living and laughing together in Play Sierra Misty for Me
  • The Burger King buys an RV and travels the backroads of America creeping out people from all walks of life in Burger King of the Road
  • The return of the Taco Bell Chihuahua in Yo Quiero Mindless Entertainment
  • The Mentos kids starring as MacGyver-like adventurists, who get in and out of trouble each week in a different location around the world thanks to their unlimited supply of Mentos in Have Mentos, Will Travel

The American viewing public seemed very receptive to the new wave of programming. Robin Weller of Boston, Massachusetts said, “Wow! This promises to be very entertaining! It should keep my interest for at least thirty seconds. Oh look. A fly. Bzzzzzzzz. What were we talking about?”

Peter Johnson of Lake Pleasant, New York said, “What a perfect marriage of entertainment and commerce. Being a typical American consumer, I look forward to buying any product that is pushed in front of my face and placing myself in even more debilitating debt.”

Barry Bealle of Jackson, Kentucky said with a glazed look in his eye, “Can’t talk. Must find TV.”