Tag Archive for 2006

More Aught 6 Headlines

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Continuing with our headlines retrospective, here’s even more knee-slapping headlines from 2006.

Local Kid Performs Trick While Mom Isn’t Looking: Repetition Looming
Couric Named CBS News Anchor: Promises Perkier News By 2007
No Stiff Penalties For Limbaugh On Viagra Possession
Doctors Discover Living Leads To Death
WMD Update: North Korea, Iran Looking To Obtain Taco Bell Burrito Supreme
Kissinger On Iraq: “It’s Not Vietnammy Enough Yet”
Physics News: Cats Crazy About String Theory
Socialite Buys $1000 Designer Shoes: Maintains Illusion Of Superiority

Aught 6 Headlines

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Continuing with our headlines retrospective, we’ve switched to our most prolific year, 2006. Therefore, lucky for you, we’ve increased our number of entries, some which are actually funny . . . really . . . no fooling!

Tom Jones Knighted With Queen’s Underpants
Scientists Reveal Urkel Annoyance Factor Increases Exponentially With Time
Strange ‘Watery’ Substance Falls From Sky In Phoenix Area
Apathetic Teen Wins Cell Phone: Gets 1000 ‘Whatever’ Minutes
Mike Wallace Retires: Plans In-Depth Investigation Of Strip Clubs
Bush Vexed By Iraq, Middle East, Ball Of String
Limbaugh Sez Michael J. Fox Faking Parkinsons: Fox Sez Limbaugh Faking Cognizance
Guy Wearing Stethoscope Around Neck Must Be Doctor

Rewind: Talk Show Burnout?

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Let’s face it, folks – television is not what it used to be. Reality television SUCKS and the daytime talk shows are just a revolving door of SUCKAGE. We can’t watch two seconds of any daytime talk show without flipping the channel for something else . . . anything else . . . even commercials! Back in the early eighties, there were only a couple talk shows like Donahue and Sally Jesse Raphael. Then Oprah conquered the airwaves which brought a massive influx of semi-celebrities trying to duplicate her success. Then hosts like Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones came on the scene and television was officially swirling the drain. We’ve often marveled at the people in the audience, especially Springer gawkers and wondered why the hell they’d want to be in the audience and watch this bilge in person. Surely, they must be paid to sit through these crapfests. Which brings us to our article published on December 22, 2006 where we speculate on the very real phenomenon of professional talk show audience member burnout. Maybe folks at The View will cover this important issue in a future show.

Professional Talk Show Audience Member Burns Out

Marla Donnelly, a professional audience member for talk shows ranging from Maury to Dr. Phil has resigned from her position citing exhaustion. She is the third professional audience member in the last three weeks to quit her position. Larry Dawson quit in early December and Kathy Corcoran quit last week.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” said a sullen Donnelly. “I mean that last Oprah’s Favorite Things giveaway was grueling, but then Ellen had her 12 Days of Giveaways. I mean a person can only get so excited about a cappuccino maker. I don’t even drink coffee so it was really tough screaming like a banshee when I saw it. Then we were asked to have an orgasm over towels from Ye Olde Hardware Shoppe. Towels for Pete’s sake! I just couldn’t be a screaming Mimi anymore. I had to get out of there.”

Dawson agrees with Donnelly. “I had to take time off because I just couldn’t fake enthusiasm when inside I felt like vomiting. I was doing the Maury show last month and I’m telling you, after the tenth failed paternity test, you just stop caring. Come on! The woman’s a slut if she can’t even pick out the father out of ten guys. These women are worse than Paris and Britney combined. And don’t even get me started on Springer. If I never see another love tryst between a redneck, his three hundred pound wife and his transvestite lover, it will be too soon.”

Corcoran said, “What did me in was the Rachael Ray Show. That rotating platform made me nauseous. Plus we had to applaud every time she added a pinch of cayenne pepper or dash of oregano. I’m sorry, oregano just isn’t that exciting. Not only that, Rachael was just too damn perky. No one’s that perky. Not even Katie Couric was that perky. At the end of one of her shows, I was ready to kill and I sing in my church choir.”

“It’s not surprising,” said audience member manager, Fay Goodman. “It’s not easy these days being an audience talk show member. Back in the old days, there was just Donahue. Then Oprah came on, then Springer, then Jenny Jones. Then everybody and their brother were getting talk shows. Remember Tempestt Bledsoe’s show? Or Charles Perez’s show? Thankfully, most of us have forgotten those timewasters. Now there are so many different shows on so many different networks. I know several of these women rush from Emeril to Martha and then over to Montel. It can really be quite grueling.”

Donnelly however didn’t rule out a return in the future. “I know I’m tired of the routine now but you never really get it out of your system. I know that sometime in the future, I’ll be watching Oprah and I’ll instinctively jump off the couch and start screaming like a howler monkey and send my seventeen cats up the draperies. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Rewind: Fashion Shrubberies

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

One of the strange constants in this modern world is the wackiness of the fashion industry. Each year, fashion houses pump out the latest in haute couture with models prowling the catwalks wearing trendy costumes that no normal woman or man would wear even for Halloween. And yet, celebrities flock to these extravaganzas and schmooze with other wealthy elites just to be seen in what many view as an orgy of status attainment and snobbery.

We’ve had some fun with the fashion world before at the Bucket (here and here) and we uncovered another photo-toon from our October 6, 2006 issue illustrating the wackiness of these avant garde trendsetters. Are you ready for some fashion shrubberies? We’re sure they’ll be available soon at your nearest Kohls or Home Depot.

Fashion shrubberies, like this one by Elmer Goochie Nurseries presented last week at London Fashion Week, are making a huge comeback this spring.
Fashion shrubberies, like this one by Elmer Goochie Nurseries presented last week at London Fashion Week, are making a huge comeback this spring.

Rewind: Dubya’s Cowboy Diplomacy

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

We again revisit 2006 when Dubya was making excuse after excuse for the Iraq War’s less than stellar results. The Bush administration was trying to pivot away from its ‘cowboy diplomacy’ and looking for another dodge to avoid culpability for an ill-advised war while at the same time trying to con the public that America was turning the corner – or in other words, going around in circles and we should stay the course wasting trillions of dollars and killing thousands of people in the process. But in true Dubya fashion he staggered and tripped all over his tongue resulting in yet another embarrassing word salad.

Here’s our DubToon from our August 11, 2006 issue featuring big buckaroo Dubya lamenting giving up on his prized cowboy diplomacy.

“I think—tide turning—see, as I remember—I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of—it’s easy to see a tide turn—did I say those words?”

George W. Bush
06-14-2006

Big Buckaroo George W. Bush laments the ending of his cowboy diplomacy in Iraq.
“End of cowboy diplomacy? But I like being a cowboy.”

Rewind: Top Revelations In The DaVinci Code

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Since the evangelical christians and conspiracy minded QAnon wingnuts have taken over the GOP we’ve decided to repost a BilgeBucket List from our May 31, 2006 edition when we reported on the top revelations of the movie The DaVinci Code. This film threw a lot of christan groups and conspiracy buffs into royal hissy fits. The blockbuster by Ron Howard, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, opened to huge box office numbers. Its opening week raked in $224 million worldwide. The controversial book elicited complaints from the Catholic Church and other christian organizations because it speculates that Jesus actually married Mary Magdalene and has descendants walking among us today. But there were other juicy tidbits as well. So, here are those shocking and totally not made up revelations in no particular order.

  • Jesus and Mary Magdalene had two children named Wally and ‘The Beav’
  • Peter always walked around au natural at meetings which annoyed all the other apostles except James . . . Hmmmmm
  • The beverage served at the Last Supper: Zima
  • Emperor Constantine legalized Christianity at the Council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. and also penned the classic Disco hit “Get Down Tonight”
  • Zeus is the one true God
  • Jesus liked to wear his hair in braids, adorn himself with bling and rap with his homies when he wasn’t performing miracles
  • JFK was killed by space aliens
  • Judas annoyingly ended everybody’s sentences by saying “That’s what she said!”
  • The Mona Lisa was smiling because DaVinci’s fly was open while he was painting her
  • The world was created by leprechauns
  • Opus Dei members get a special member discount at Walmart
  • Elvis is alive and well and managing a Burger King in Tuscaloosa
  • The original message scribbled under the Mona Lisa: “So Dark The Wrath of Khan”
  • The Holy Grail is actually a big ass beer stein located in Munich’s Hofbrau House
  • Black helicopters are really more of a midnight blue
  • The current Grand Master of The Priory of Sion: Pauly Shore

Rewind: Master Dubya

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

The Iraq War was a complete clusterf*ck and the Bush Administration was responsible for everything that went wrong with that ill-advised war. One of the more unsettling events that occurred during the early days of occupation was that American soldiers tortured Iraqis at the infamous Abu-Ghraib facilities and then Bush Admin officials denied that they did. (Hmmm. Republicans f*cking up, gaslighting and avoiding consequences. Some things never change, eh.)

Here’s our DubToon from our September 17, 2006 issue featuring Master Dubya convincingly denying the use of torture.

“We do not condone torture. I have never ordered torture. I will never order torture. The values of this country are such that torture is not a part of our soul and our being.”
George W. Bush
06-22-2004
Master George W. Bush convincingly denies that America uses torture on Iraqi citizens.
“America does not torture…except for waterboarding, attack dogs, electrodes to genitals…”

Rewind: Rejected Super Bowl XL Halftime Shows

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

BilgeBucket Lists were a staple for our site between 2005 and 2009. They’re basically our version of Top Ten Lists which were made popular by David Letterman on his Late Show. We’ve already reposted many lists in our category BilgeBucket Lists. Since Super Bowl LVII is coming up this week right here in Arizona, we’ve decided to do our part in building excitement and repost a list from out January 11, 2006 issue which delved into the top rejected halftime shows for Super Bowl XL which took place in Detroit, Michigan between Pittsburgh and Seattle. The halftime show of that Super Bowl featured the Rolling Stones. Just two years prior, the infamous wardrobe malfunction took place. By perusing our list below, just think of the glorious entertainment we might have had.

  • Kevin Federline performs the soon to be smash hits from his upcoming CD while reclining in his La-Z-Boy
  • The Performance Art Group The Masturbators
  • Clem Haywood and his Farting Pigs
  • Howler monkeys reenact the entire first half of gridiron action
  • Kalamazoo resident Fanny Jean Jones crochets a stylish poncho…LIVE!…ONSTAGE!
  • Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay and Dennis Hastert do a snappy song and dance routine to Jailhouse Rock
  • Tom Cruise jumps up and down on a couch while demonstrating his many cocky poses
  • Laura Bush performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
  • Hillary Clinton performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
  • William Huong and Celine Dion sing a medley of Clay Aiken hits
  • Poetry Slam featuring Donald Rumsfeld reciting the poems of 50 Cent
  • Janet Jackson exposes Justin Timberlake’s breasts

Rewind: Lil’ DubToons

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Starting in December 2005, we reformatted our look and feel trying to make our webzine look more like a newspaper. So we introduced a three column layout under our banner with headlines, photo-toon links and other material in the left column, articles in the main center column and external links, ads and little cartoons highlighting the hypocrisy of the Bush Administration and Republicans in the right column. We called these tiny photo-toons Lil’ DubToons and we enjoyed the hell out of ’em. We’ll be reposting several of them in celebration of our 20th anniversary.

Here’s a pic of our April 10, 2006 issue featuring our changed format and the corresponding DubToon displayed in the upper right hand corner right below a corresponding quote relating the Republican hypocrisy of the week. At that time, it was reported that disgraced aide Scooter Libby said Bush and Dick Cheney were responsible for disclosing classified intelligence information as part of a counterattack against critics of the Bush Administration’s disastrous Iraq War policy. Of course, ol’ Dubya channels Alfred E. Neuman attitude in response knowing that in 2003 he was acting all tough on finding out and punishing the leakers. Well, Bush said he’d take of the leakers and he’s taking really good care of himself ever since.

A screenshot of the April 10, 2006 featuring a new format and the awesome Lil' DubToon in the upper right hand corner.
A screenshot of the April 10, 2006 featuring a new format and the awesome Lil’ DubToon in the upper right hand corner.
“And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.”
George W. Bush
9-30-2003
Dubya does his best Alfred E. Neuman impersonation deflecting criticism about leaks in his administration.
“What? Me Worry?”

Rewind: The 2006 Blue Wave

Results are still trickling in from the 2018 midterms and the blue wave is a lot bigger than the corporate main stream media proclaimed it to be. Why is it that corporate news outlets, especially conservative ones like Fox News, a.k.a. the Republican Propaganda Network, can never admit that the Republican candidates lost and their world view is not popular with average Americans? CNN, MSNBC and other corporate media outlets all declared early on that the blue wave was more of a blue trickle. They did this during the last big ‘blue wave’ election in 2006 as well.

We dug up from our archives, an old article from that “thumpin'” in 2006 that pretty much describes the same toxic climate we have for this year’s midterm elections. We guess it’s like that old corporate media saying, “if it’s broken, don’t fix it…as long as we’re making money”.

This article is from our November 13, 2006 issue.

Holy Cow! Dems Win! Republicans Trampled, Crushed, Whupped, Clobbered, Drubbed, Thumped…They Got Beat BIG TIME!

In a thunderous rejection of President Bush’s foreign policy in Iraq and the scandal ridden Republican controlled Congress, the American public voted Democrats into power across the board in elections held last Tuesday, November 7th. Not only did the Democrats take control of the House and the Senate for the first time since 1994, they also seized control of many state legislatures and have an edge in governorships as well. The Democratic victory has also prompted many resignations and dismissals, like Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlmann. Among the many high profile Republicans defeated were: Senator Rick Santorum, Senator George Allen, Katherine Harris, Representative Richard Pombo and Representative J.D. Hayworth..

The new Speaker of the House, California representative Nancy Pelosi, said, “This is a stinging rebuke for the misguided policies of the Bush Administration. The American people have spoken and they are angry. President Bush has to work with us now and in particular me. They say ‘paybacks a bitch’. Well that bitch’s name is Nancy Pelosi.”

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry said, “Well a few weeks ago I said we were like the Chicago Cubs; always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Boy I thought I blew the election with my botched joke about being dumb and getting stuck in Iraq. But even though the media beat it into the ground and flogged me with it on a daily basis, the American people decided they were fed up with Republican shenanigans and not my loquacious, meandering, sleep inducing manner of speaking. What I’m trying to say is: Cubs win! Cubs win!”

Even though President Bush acknowledged that is was ‘a thumping’, many Republicans and neocon pundits were in denial about the loss. Arizona Representative J.D. Hayworth, who was beaten by Democrat Harry Mitchell, still hasn’t conceded even though major wire services have called the race for Mitchell and there is a four percentage point difference in the vote count. “Nuh-uh!” whined Hayworth in typical Hayworth fashion. “There is no way I lost to Mitchell. That is just pure fantasy. I’m J.D. Hayworth. I wrote a book about immigration reform. People like me. I’m J.D. Hayworth. We’re just going to count and recount those votes until I’m victorious. So there! I’m J.D. Hayworth and I approve this tantrum.”

Host of Fox News Hannity & Colmes, Sean Hannity, said, “Please! I would hardly call this a ‘Blue Wave’ like everybody in the liberal media is calling it. Sure some Democrats won some races and they took back the House and Senate, barely. It’s nothing like the glorious revolution of 1994 when the Republicans swept into power ushering in a glorious age of ass-clenched conservativism. Those days are gone my friends. The next thing you know, Osama will be invited to address Congress by that terrorist loving Nancy Pelosi. She’s probably having a sex party in her office right now with her unholy sex slaves from San Francisco. God I hate her!”

Chris Matthews, host of Hardball, said, “You know who I’m going to miss? All those guys like Tom Delay, Bob Ney and Randall Cunningham. Sure they were corrupt, but they made it exciting didn’t they? Now we’ve got Hillary and Nancy nagging at us all like mother hens. Things will probably get done now. We won’t have any fun. God I hate them!”

Many Americans felt good about the election results. Karyn Green of Teller, Virginia said, “For the first time in six years I have a feeling of hope. Maybe now Congress will check Bush and his agenda which has gotten us into nothing but hot water.”

Natalie Harrison of Chesterville, Wisconsin said, “I don’t expect miracles from this new Congress, but maybe someone can come up with a plan for exiting Iraq. The current administration certainly doesn’t have a clue.”

However, Bush supporter Derrick Armstrong of Hubley, Colorado said, “Great! Now that Pelosi woman is going make me speak Spanish, hug a tree, get an abortion, do drugs and have sex with a guy. Thank goodness, my old pastor, Ted Haggard, showed me how to do the last two.”

Living skeleton Ann Coulter proclaims the 2006 blue wave to be nothing more than a blue trickle.

Neo-conservative pundits, like living skeleton Ann Coulter, were downplaying the November 7th election results saying “Only for half-brights with absolutely no concept of yesterday is this a ‘tsunami’ — as MSNBC calls it — rather than the death throes of a dying party.”