christians – Page 12 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Ben Carson: Truth Doctor

As predicted, the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 is living up to expectations. The Donald no longer is the front runner and there is a new flavor of the month in the lead. That distinction now belongs to famed evangelical neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Unbelievably, this man has risen to the top of the GOP heap and in some polls(we suspect extremely errant polls) he’s even ahead of Hilary Clinton. Of course, all this despite Dr. Carson uttering the most non-sensical crap ever to spew forth from a presidential candidate’s mouth. But then you can never be too crazy with this year’s candidates in the Republican clown car. Seriously folks, the things that Carson has said are just mind-blowingly inane.

It appears that Dr. Carson is a pathological fabricator. He claims that he was excessively violent as an ‘impoverished’ child but no one who knew him back then can corroborate his story. He also falsely claimed to have applied for and been accepted to West Point. And this so called man of science doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks the Big Bang is a fairy tale.

In addition, it has recently been documented how that his house is basically a temple to himself. This follows along with the prosperity gospel being taught by many of today’s evangelical preachers, which is why the christian Tea Baggers are nuts for him…you know…because he believes in Jeebus. This despite his actions and viewpoints being mostly against anything Jesus ever said or did. But christians are authoritarians and when someone in authority, like Dr. Carson, says something, the good little sheep believe and obey. And of course, the authoritarian dictating his doctrines, like Dr. Carson, believes the truth is whatever he says it is.

Do Americans really want this chronic fibber as their leader? Well Dubya was president for eight years, so maybe they miss all the lies and deceptions. America is pretty dysfunctional in that respect. We’ve got another year to go in this travesty of democracy so we guess anything can happen. Maybe Jim Gilmore will come out of nowhere and be the next Republican flavor of the month.

Dr. Ben Carson explains that the Pyramids were for storing grain and the Great Wall of China was a big roller coaster much to the delight of his evangelical Teabagger followers. — New GOP frontrunner, Dr. Ben Carson, proclaims to all his evangelical Teabagger sheeple that the truth is pretty much what he says it is.

Boehner’s Holy Revelation

There was some huge news this past week and we here at the Bucket are suffering from a massive case of Schadenfreude. Speaker of the House and Chief Oompa Loompa, John Boehner (pronounced bo-ner), has announced that he is resigning effective the end of the month. Of course, Boehner milked the moment for every thing it was worth in true christian martyr fashion, proclaiming by stepping down he is saving congress. However, we believe that Papa Francisco’s visit had a lot to do with the Orange Man’s departure. Boehner, a life long Catholic, was very moved by the pope’s visit. We think that while listening to his speech and looking out at the ‘christian’ Republicans sitting in the Senate and House, Boehner had a gobsmack revelation when he realized what astounding, hypocritical assholes he and his colleagues were in comparison with the pope.

Boehner provided a lot of laughs for us here at the Bucket over the years but we’re sure that his nut job replacement as Speaker will soon be providing comedic gold for satirists everywhere. We say good riddance to the Chief Oompa Loompa with one more photo-toon for the road.

Pope Francis' visit to Congress opened Chief Oompa Loompa, John Boehner's eyes and helped him realize what a colossal asshole he has been. — Republican Speaker of the House and Chief Oompa Loompa John Boehner, bids farewell to Congress after realizing what a colossal asshole he has been.

The Ice Queen Fibbeth

Carly Fiorina has ‘surged’ into second place in the sham that is Con-a-thon 2016. But she has caught a lot of flak recently and deservedly so for out and out lying about Planned Parenthood. This failed CEO and stone cold Ice Queen cooked up a video to support her lies. (Imagine that: a Republican making shit up!) But that’s par for the course for today’s compassionate, ‘pro-life’, conservative Republican. Tea Party Republicans in Congress right now are trying to defund Planned Parenthood stating that it would save taxpayers money on providing abortion services even though according to facts (something Republicans hate and ignore), only 3% of the money afforded to Planned Parenthood goes to abortion services. Here’s another article that points out the Republicans incoherence. Most of Planned Parenthood services go to STD prevention, cancer screening and providing contraception consultation. Make no mistake, the right wing, evangelical christians will do anything including the distinctly unchristian lying, cheating and deceiving to make sure a woman has no choice but to have her baby even if it might possibly mean the woman’s life ends. ‘Pro-life’ indeed!

In Carly Fiorina's mind, Planned Parenthood armies will force abortions on pregnant women and sell the body parts for drugs and liquor. — GOP Presidential candidate and stone cold Ice Queen, Carly Fiorina, creates a new fib of gigantic proportions in hopes of eliminating Planned Parenthood and winning the votes of the right wing wackos in charge of the Republican party.

Republicans On Iran: War Is Good Business

In mid-July, the United States and five other world powers, Great Britain, France, Germany, Russia and China, reached a historic agreement with Iran which will significantly stifle Iran’s ability to make a nuclear device while easing sanctions, which were destroying Iran’s economy. Most people hailed this as an historic accord. Scientists recently proclaimed their support for the deal as well as retired generals and admirals. And yet, the agreement is in danger of not passing the Senate. Hmmm…..given the history of the Republicans dealing with the Obama administration, we wonder who could possibly object to this ground breaking piece of diplomacy? Hmmm…who could it be?

That’s right folks. The whiny, sucky, crybabies known as the Republican party and a few war mongering Democrats like Chuck Schumer, plan to vote against it. You see it’s pretty simple. Obama supports it, so the GOP is against it. It’s been that way since 2009. Plus, most of the Republicans are on the payroll of the military industrial complex defense companies so naturally they follow the slogan that ‘Diplomacy is for wimps. War is just good business’. And senile Senator from Arizona John McCain, just wants to ‘bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran’. The Republican’s objection to the Iran deal is proof that they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the White House or to handle foreign relations. Not unless we want more backbreaking, money sucking quagmires like Afghanistan or Iraq. Yep, the same people who brought you the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq want to bring you a glorious new quagmire in Iran.

The new Iran nuclear agreement, which is supported by US, UK, France, Germany, Russia, China, scientists and generals, is greeted by chants of 'bomb Iran' by war mongering Senators like John McCain and military industrialist plutocrats who say that war is just good business. — Much to the dismay of President Obama, military industrialist plutocrats and conservative Republicans prefer war to diplomacy when it comes to Iran, because, you know, war is good business.

Please Texas…Secede!

The Texas school board recently stated that Texas students will begin using new textbooks which teach that slavery was just a side issue to the civil war and never mention Jim Crow laws or the Ku Klux Klan. So basically it whitewashes racism and the whole Civil War. Then there’s that whole Jade Helm 15 crap. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Texas is a red state filled with conservative christians, who also believe that the earth is less than 10,000 years old and that man co-existed with the dinosaurs. This is pretty dangerous stuff folks. Texas is purposely teaching their children false dogmas and history that just isn’t true. We think that Texas should make good on its repeated threats during Obama’s presidency and just secede from the United States. Actually we beg of you Texas; please take the Bushes, Rick Perry and Ted Cruz and form your own country! You’ll be happier without us and we’ll definitely be happier without you and your Texas size egos!

A Texas school teacher proudly teaches his class that slavery was fun and Negroes enjoyed the hell out of it and a conservative christian reminds the kids that the earth is only 6000 years old. — Texas now teaches its children that the whole slavery thing was just one big festival and Jesus probably rode a brontosaurus.

Republican Clown Car 2016

Guess what everyone? It’s time for another presidential election. Didn’t we just finish this crap? Well, with a scant 16 months left before the 2016 presidential election, it’s time for CON-A-THON 2016… and we’ve already got 16 Republican presidential candidates. That’s right! 16!!!! You’d think that all this choice would be a good thing. But we’re talking about the modern Republican party. We’re not sure who coined the term, but the most accurate description of this collection of colossal egos has to be the Republican Clown Car (They’re also available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs). Early polls are indicating that Jeb “Don’t Call Me Bush” Bush and perennial blowhard and teabagger favorite Donald Trump, are leading the polls. But if you peruse our archives for Con-a-thon 2012, you’ll see that there was a new flavor-of-the-week back then, too. One week it was Newt Gingrich; the next it was Herman Cain; and the next it was Rick Santorum, who apparently hasn’t learned his lesson that he’s not appealing to a wide swath of Americans. Oh well…this circus and extraordinary waste of money is sure to be amusing for the next 16 months. Really???!!! Another 16 months of this shit???!!!!

The Republican Clown Car for the 2016 Presidential election, also known as Con-a-thon 2016. — Ladies and Gentlemen: Introducing the Republican Clown Car for Con-a-thon 2016.

The Fox News Blinders

The big news this past week has been the shootings in Charleston, South Carolina. The killer, Dylann Roof’s racist manifesto has disturbed the nation and has brought many issues to the forefront. One is the removal of the confederate flag from the South Carolina state capital building in Charleston and the removal of any confederate flag items from store stocks. This isn’t sitting too well with some southerners. But then again, those confederate flag lovers been sore for the past 150 years.

More importantly, many dialogues have started about the prevalence of racism in America. But you won’t hear any such discussion from that bastion of conservatism, Fox News, a.k.a. The Republican Propaganda Network. Nope, the ‘journalists’ at Fox are way too busy spinning the Charleston shootings as an attack on christianity. They know their audience all too well; old, scared, white, racist christians. Of course, in order to keep their audience happy they have to pander to them and enable them, denying any inconvenient fact like the killer saying he was racist and he was killing the people because of the color of their skin.

Fox News' Steve Doocy spins the racist desires of a white supremacist into a war against white christians. — Fox ‘journalist’ Steve Doocy (pronounced douchey), who is a graduate of the Bozo Clown College, demonstrates his impressive journalism skills for his pliant audience of old, scared, racist, white christians.

Capitalism? More Like Cannibalism

It’s obvious that our nation is not a functioning representative democracy anymore. Thanks to the recent Supreme Court Citizens United and McCutcheon vs FEC decisions, we can safely say that the United States of America is a corporate oligarchy, where only the wealthiest corporations have a say in what happens to America. So contrary to what the Republican say, big government isn’t the problem; corporate America controlling the government is the problem. After all, Republicans and Democrats nowadays are just corporate lackeys; doing their corporate overlord’s bidding for campaign contributions. It is truly sad to see that America is as corrupt as a banana republic. The whole idea behind the Republican’s ‘government is the problem’ con is to fool the masses into thinking that relaxing government regulations and oversight on corporations is a great thing for freedom when in fact it is the worst thing that can happen. Let’s be honest and frank here; capitalism breeds greed, avarice and selfishness. These traits are counter to everything a supposedly ‘christian’ nation holds dear. Without regulations, humanity’s greed runs rampant and our economy and society truly becomes a rat race. It’s shocking that just living basically and simply today costs an arm and a leg. People everywhere in the past ten years have gone under. The middle class has all but disappeared. In order to survive, people have to raise rates, fees and prices to exorbitant levels just to break even. Just taking a beloved pet to the vet can bankrupt a person. It’s gotten to a point where you have to wonder whether it’s capitalism anymore or cannibalism. Is this really what we want for our society?

Modern capitalism has taken on a more cannibalistic approach. — Capitalism: devouring the humanity from humans since the Middle Ages.

Rewind: Falwell’s Date For Eternity

With the recent fallout of the Religious Freedom Bill in Indiana and the launching of Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign from Liberty University, which was founded by evangelical preacher Jerry Falwell, we decided to dig out one of our old photo-toons on Mr. Falwell right after his death in May of 2007. If you remember, Mr. Falwell didn’t particularly like the Teletubbies, especially Tinky Winky. Well, Mr. Falwell finally discovers his eternal reward isn’t quite what he thought it would be.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell gets to spend eternity with his old pal from the teletubbies, Tinky Winky. — The Reverend Jerry Falwell has just found out the afterlife isn't what he thought it was going to be.

Falwell was well known for his controversial, hateful statements over the years. Here’s a short compendium of his most offensive quotes. Yeah, we don’t miss him either.

Jerry Falwell’s Greatest Hates

On Sept. 11: “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.'”
On AIDS: “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.”
On feminists: “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals. … These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they’re mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men; that’s their problem.”
On global warming: “I can tell you, our grandchildren will laugh at those who predicted global warming. We’ll be in global cooling by then, if the Lord hasn’t returned. I don’t believe a moment of it. The whole thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability.”
On Martin Luther King Jr.: “I must personally say that I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left-wing associations.”
On Islam: “I think Mohammed was a terrorist. I read enough of the history of his life, written by both Muslims and non-Muslims, that he was a violent man, a man of war.”
On Jews: “In my opinion, the Antichrist will be a counterfeit of the true Christ, which means that he will be male and Jewish, since Jesus was male and Jewish.”
On public education: “I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again, and Christians will be running them.”
On the separation of church and state: “There is no separation of church and state.”

A Douchey Move

We’ve had a changing of the guard here in Arizona during the last election. Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer has handed over the reigns of her wingnut kingdom to former ice cream magnate Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey). Ducey, not to be outdone on the insanity meter by Indiana’s Mike Pence, this past week signed a bill that prohibits women from using the federal health exchange health care program to pay to an abortion. Also they stated erroneously that doctors have the right to tell women that the process is reversible, a claim critics call junk science. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Republicans are making up science to match their narrow ideology. I mean most Republicans believe angels exist, think the Earth is only six thousand years old and Jesus co-existed with the dinosaurs. Coming soon from the Republican Science Labs: the Sun really does revolve around the Earth.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey's health plan for women who want an abortion is a good old fashioned wire hanger. — Arizona Governor Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey) announces his ‘old fashioned’ health plan for women who may want to terminate a pregnancy.