Corporate States of America – Page 38

Republican Clown Car 2016

Guess what everyone? It’s time for another presidential election. Didn’t we just finish this crap? Well, with a scant 16 months left before the 2016 presidential election, it’s time for CON-A-THON 2016… and we’ve already got 16 Republican presidential candidates. That’s right! 16!!!! You’d think that all this choice would be a good thing. But we’re talking about the modern Republican party. We’re not sure who coined the term, but the most accurate description of this collection of colossal egos has to be the Republican Clown Car (They’re also available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs). Early polls are indicating that Jeb “Don’t Call Me Bush” Bush and perennial blowhard and teabagger favorite Donald Trump, are leading the polls. But if you peruse our archives for Con-a-thon 2012, you’ll see that there was a new flavor-of-the-week back then, too. One week it was Newt Gingrich; the next it was Herman Cain; and the next it was Rick Santorum, who apparently hasn’t learned his lesson that he’s not appealing to a wide swath of Americans. Oh well…this circus and extraordinary waste of money is sure to be amusing for the next 16 months. Really???!!! Another 16 months of this shit???!!!!

The Republican Clown Car for the 2016 Presidential election, also known as Con-a-thon 2016. — Ladies and Gentlemen: Introducing the Republican Clown Car for Con-a-thon 2016.

The Real Boss In America

The Trans-Pacific Partnership is a huge, free trade agreement with the U.S., Canada, Mexico, Japan and eight other Asian-Pacific countries. It’s just about a done deal thanks to the Republican Congress who wants to shove this through as fast as possible and a pliant President Obama, (sometimes known as the Compromiser-in-Chief), who is proving that he is as big a corporatist as Bill Clinton, Reagan and the Bushes. While proponents tout that this pact will lead to economic growth, development and job creation (NAFTA anyone?), opponents are sounding the alarm that the agreements contents are being kept secret because it’s really a gigantic gift to give multinational corporations to do whatever the hell they want including off-shoring more American jobs, exposing the U.S. to unsafe food products and empowering corporations to smash our environmental and health safeguards.

If any American had any doubt that representative democracy is dead in the U.S., take a look at the secrecy involved between the corporate world and congress to get this thing passed on the fast track. There is nothing democratic about the passing of this new deal and it pretty much confirms that America is a corporate oligarchy. Corporate States of America or Holy Corporate Empire; either one sufficiently describes America today. We also think there may be another reason why Obama wants to the same thing as Boehner, Cruz and other CONgressional Republicans, which is illustrated in the following photo-toon.

Obama proclaims he supports the TPP because he's a corporatist, doesn't want to be impeached and he wants to please his corporate masters. — America’s corporate, elite plutocrats applaud the fast tracking of the TPP by their political lackeys to prove to every one on planet Earth who really is the boss in America.

Jeb! No!

Jeb Bush has made it official; he is running for President in 2016. He’s even released his new logo, which not surprisingly doesn’t include his last name. Hmmmm….we wonder why?

Well, we’ve released America’s response to Jeb’s new logo. Just like the war on drugs; just say No! to Jeb!

Hypocritical Oaf

Remember when Hurricane Sandy devastated the East Coast back in 2012, killing 117 people and causing an estimated 65 billion dollars in damage. Millions of people were left in need of federal assistance to recover. But fortunately for conservative Republicans, a brash young tea party hellcat named Ted Cruz voted against a disaster relief bill for victims of the horrendous storm.

Fast forward to this past week and Ted Cruz is demanding President Obama and congress provide disaster relief for the victims of the recent calamitous flooding in Texas which claimed 15 lives. Remember, Ted Cruz is running for president so he has to appear to his fellow Texans like he gives a damn about them. If he keeps this up, he’ll out flip-flop Spiff Romney.

Teabagger patriot, climate change denier, staunch anti-socialist and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, proclaims that despite being against federal assistance for disaster victims, President Obama should send federal aid to Texas flood victims because...you know...Ted Cruz wants to be president.

Rewind: Dubya’s Dubious Legacy

Guess who’s reared his ugly head recently. That’s right: good ol’ Dubya. Since brother Jeb has started to rev up his campaign for Con-a-thon 2016, George W. Bush has stopped painting himself in the bath tub and emerged to help his brother gain the presidency in 2016. Of course, that means spinning the bejeezus out of his disastrous legacy as president. Dubya actually had the nerve to criticize President Obama on his handling of the situation in Iraq. And of course, Dubya has deluded himself into thinking that increasing the numbers of troops in Iraq (the Surge) helped stabilize the region when in fact the surge failed. It’s a sign of things to come in the next year and a half. The Republicans are going to being lying their asses off to try and make the Iraq War, Obama’s war. Make no mistake: the Iraq War was and will always be George W. Bush’s war.

Here’s a photo-toon from our November 29, 2007 issue, when Dubya was already trying to bullshit people on the debacle that was his presidency.

George W. Bush, flanked by his old friends the Deficit and the Iraq Occupation, has recently been trying to spin or bs a positive legacy out of his disastrous tenure as President. — George W. Bush, flanked by his old friends the Deficit and the Iraq Occupation, has recently been trying to spin a positive legacy out of his disastrous tenure as President.

Grand Stupidity

From the Unfreakingbelievable file: it appears a goddamn, greedy mega-developer thinks the timeless grandeur of the Grand Canyon in Arizona is lacking. That’s obviously because there’s no Mega-mall there where you can shop ’til you drop! Yes, this colossal asswipe wants to place a mega-development at the edge of the Grand Canyon. We don’t know where to begin on describing how ludicrously stupid this is. Seriously, if you’re going to the Grand Canyon and you expect to find unlimited shopping opportunities, then you are a special kind of seriously f*cked up! Most people go the Grand Canyon to GET AWAY FROM development and enjoy nature and wildlife at its most basic. If they want cheezy, glitzy shopping opportunities then they go to Las Vegas. Maybe these greedy, capitalist, dickhead developers can make a replica of the Grand Canyon in Las Vegas just like they did with Paris, New York and Egypt. Las Vegas is where this kind of stupidity belongs. When it comes to the Grand Canyon, we have just three words to say to developers: LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!

A noble, American hunter prepares to thin the herd of greedy, rapacious, land developers, who want to develop the Grand Canyon. — A noble, American hunter prepares to thin the herd of greedy, rapacious, land developers.

Capitalism? More Like Cannibalism

It’s obvious that our nation is not a functioning representative democracy anymore. Thanks to the recent Supreme Court Citizens United and McCutcheon vs FEC decisions, we can safely say that the United States of America is a corporate oligarchy, where only the wealthiest corporations have a say in what happens to America. So contrary to what the Republican say, big government isn’t the problem; corporate America controlling the government is the problem. After all, Republicans and Democrats nowadays are just corporate lackeys; doing their corporate overlord’s bidding for campaign contributions. It is truly sad to see that America is as corrupt as a banana republic. The whole idea behind the Republican’s ‘government is the problem’ con is to fool the masses into thinking that relaxing government regulations and oversight on corporations is a great thing for freedom when in fact it is the worst thing that can happen. Let’s be honest and frank here; capitalism breeds greed, avarice and selfishness. These traits are counter to everything a supposedly ‘christian’ nation holds dear. Without regulations, humanity’s greed runs rampant and our economy and society truly becomes a rat race. It’s shocking that just living basically and simply today costs an arm and a leg. People everywhere in the past ten years have gone under. The middle class has all but disappeared. In order to survive, people have to raise rates, fees and prices to exorbitant levels just to break even. Just taking a beloved pet to the vet can bankrupt a person. It’s gotten to a point where you have to wonder whether it’s capitalism anymore or cannibalism. Is this really what we want for our society?

Modern capitalism has taken on a more cannibalistic approach. — Capitalism: devouring the humanity from humans since the Middle Ages.

CEO Dan Price Gets It

It’s only April but we here at the Bucket already have a nominee for Person of the Year. CEO Dan Price of Seattle’s Gravity Payments, a credit card processing company, lowered his pay by a million dollars and raised the pay of his workers so that the minimum wage at his company is $70k a year. Finally, a CEO that gets it! Since the ’80s, when Reaganomics brought upon massive deregulation, CEO salaries have skyrocketed so that now the average difference between CEO and worker salary in America, is around 257:1. For comparison purposes, in other countries, gaps range from between 28 in Poland to 148 in Switzerland (this report also reports the American gap at 354:1). This move by Dan Price is a breath of fresh air. Now if only more CEOs would follow his lead, workers would finally be able to have a living wage. They would have more money to not only afford the basics but also buy other items, which will in turn help boost the economy. Kudos to Dan Price!!! We salute you!!!

Billionaire President and CEO of Juggermart, Lawrence T. Juggers, says Dan Price is wrong and that CEOs need to treat employees like the scum they are. — Billionaire President and CEO of Juggermart, Lawrence T. Juggers, demonstrates why most Americans view today's CEOs as being greedy assholes.

A Douchey Move

We’ve had a changing of the guard here in Arizona during the last election. Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer has handed over the reigns of her wingnut kingdom to former ice cream magnate Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey). Ducey, not to be outdone on the insanity meter by Indiana’s Mike Pence, this past week signed a bill that prohibits women from using the federal health exchange health care program to pay to an abortion. Also they stated erroneously that doctors have the right to tell women that the process is reversible, a claim critics call junk science. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Republicans are making up science to match their narrow ideology. I mean most Republicans believe angels exist, think the Earth is only six thousand years old and Jesus co-existed with the dinosaurs. Coming soon from the Republican Science Labs: the Sun really does revolve around the Earth.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey's health plan for women who want an abortion is a good old fashioned wire hanger. — Arizona Governor Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey) announces his ‘old fashioned’ health plan for women who may want to terminate a pregnancy.

They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Discrimination And Intolerance

The nation’s outrage over Indiana’s recent law guaranteeing ‘religious freedom’ and condoning discrimination and intolerance is growing. Boycotts have been announced. Even corporations have announced that they’ll be changing their business relations with the state; which is very serious because this nation is a corporate oligarchy and business is the golden calf here. So you think with all the economic pressure coming to bear on Indiana, do you think conservative christian stalwart, Governor Mike Pence, is going to relent? Hah! No way! He stands firmly behind his decidedly non-christian behavior. Not only that, other leading candidates for the Republican nomination like Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz have announced support for Pence. Because you see, admitting that you’re wrong on anything is not something that conservative christian Republicans do. But as the christians have always stated throughout history(see Spanish Inquisition, Meso-America conquest, Native American conquest, Pacific Islander conquest, Galileo’s scientific discoveries, etc…), it’s not discrimination or intolerance when we do it; it’s God’s will. It reminds us of that old song we learned in church “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love”, which has been conveniently updated in our photo-toon to reflect the state of modern christianity.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence's new slogan "They'll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance". — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s new slogan “They’ll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance”.