Search results for cell phone

Plastic Surgeon Offering Cell Phone Implants

Here’s an article from our January 13, 2007 issue.

World renowned German plastic surgeon, Dr. Hans Gesichtfuk, has announced a radical new kind of plastic surgery where cell phones are implanted into the patient’s skull and wired directly to the brain thus eliminating any cumbersome headgear or wires.

“Ya, dis is a radical new surgery dat vill revolutionize plastic surgery as ve know it,” said Gesichtfuk from his office in Munich. “Before you know it all de über celebrities like Britney Spears, Madonna and Tom Arnold vill have cell phones implanted on the side of deir faces. Dis is just de first step tovard creating de perfect bionic human; a six million dollar man or voman if you vill. Soon ve vill be intergrating iPods, iTunes, and iPhones into human beings. It is truly a golden age for cutting edge plastic surgeons like me. I’m not just going to be rich, I’m going to be über rich.”

Californian Heather Braun of Beverly Hills, California, who was one of the privileged first recipients, raved about the surgery. “This is soooooo fantastic! Now I don’t have to hold a phone in my hand or anything while I’m driving my Hummer. I can just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk talk all day long to all my girlfriends. It’s just like I’m talking to myself, but I’m actually hearing other voices. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse.”

Many Americans can’t wait to have the avant-garde surgery. John Langley III of West Haverbrook, New York said, “I’m a big self improvement buff. I love making myself better. I’m going to be the first in my country club to get this surgery. Then I’m going to get a solid gold penis implant.”

Fred Griffin of Las Vegas, Nevada, said, “My friend Vinny is going to get the surgery, too. Man, we’re going to clean up at the poker tables: Vinny sits at the table and I spy on everybody. If I wear a tin foil hat, people will think I’m a homeless guy just talking to myself. This is a foolproof plan that can’t possibly fail!”

Tiffany George of Scottsdale, Arizona said, “I know I’m only in high school, but I’ve just got to get this surgery. I’ll be like, so popular! Maybe instead of getting his stupid, life saving, heart bypass surgery Daddy can buy me this for my birthday instead.”

We’re Living In 1984

We’re sick of Trump and his horde of gun loving, conservative Republican malcontents, so we’re doing a palette cleanser today and instead focus on how technology has transformed our society and not always for the best.

We’ve commented before about the ubiquity of cell phones and how we’re completely and totally distracted by all things related to technology. We saw the old Apple Macintosh commercial from 1984 not too long ago and the irony leaped out at us. In the commercial, the downtrodden people are slaves to their masters who appear on screens barking instructions on what to do and how to do it. By choosing the Mac, one can break free from the bonds of uniformity and gains independence.

Cut to the 21st century and people everywhere are walking around like automatons taking orders from first, Apple’s guru Steve Jobs, who passed away in 2011, and now Tim Cook. When Apple issues a new iPhone, people drop what they’re doing and wait in line for days for the new gadget. When Jobs spoke, people sat spellbound in the audience just like in the 1984 commercial. Now, Cook does the same. Oh, the Irony!

We’re not saying all tech is bad. The Internet is clearly a wonderful thing. No longer does one have to trek to a library to do research. One can find the weather forecast instantaneously or watch world events happening in real time.  But the fact is that we don’t control technology anymore; technology controls us.  We are truly slaves to technology. And the people who are in control of our society are taking complete advantage.  At any given time, you can be tracked down and located. One disturbing instance in Orwell’s book 1984 was that people couldn’t even enjoy their own privacy. Big Brother was always watching them and knew where they were at all times. Well, Big Brother is watching us now and it’s not just the government. Tech companies like Facebook, Twitter and Google wield enormous power and influence. Our society is permanently distracted by social media and until we learn to control our addiction, our society will continue to suffer. When the measure of a human being is how many friends one has on Facebook or how many followers you have on Twitter then something is seriously wrong. We need to break free from this conformity and regain our independence or else accept that the dystopian future of 1984 has come to pass.

Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell's book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.

Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell’s book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.

America’s Obsession With Rude Assholes

We were rummaging through our archives and came across an article ten years ago written by the Bucket’s resident crusty curmudgeon, Chester Einstein. In it, he laments how America seems to be fancying rude assholes and politeness and manners seem to be a thing of the past. Ten years on, with the rise of the King of Rudeness, Donald Trump, things seems to be getting worse rather than better.

This is from our June 19, 2006 issue.

Chester Einstein’s Words of Wisdom

Chester Einstein - BilgeBucket GazetteAmerica Seems To Be Fancying Rude Assholes These Days

Recently, as I was watching the incredible duel between that Tyler Hick and Nanny McPhee on American Idol, it occurred to me; it seems that people in America seem to be infatuated with rude assholes lately. Not that Tyler or Nanny are assholes. On the contrary; they were delightful breaths of fresh, Mentos flavored air wafting through a flowery meadow. It’s that asshole Simon Cowell that gets my dander boiling! And it seems that every show these days has to have a resident asshole spewing forth offensive expletives and rude commentary. Look at that new cooking show, Hell’s Kitchen. Those people are just trying to cook food for pete’s sake and this chef rips ‘em a new one. Of course, that’s because nothing in America these days is entertaining unless it’s IN YOUR FACE!

Now I know a lot of you are saying, “Well geeeeeeeez Chester! Aren’t you in my face right now?” Well con sarn it, this is different! I’m in your face because I’m old and I’m supposed to be mad at you whippersnappers. I swear if I see one more youngun’ talking on a cell phone while driving… Dag nab it! Now I’m all discombobulated! What was I ranting about?… Oh yeah, America’s fancying of rude assholes. Well folks, this phenomenon goes beyond T.V.; it’s trickling down into every phase of life. I guess you could call it trickle-down insolence.

Look at the music young people are grooving to nowadays; that hippety-hop rappity crap that’s all the rage. Now the beat ain’t all that bad. I have to confess, I’ve tapped a foot or two listening to that Snoopy Dog fella, but the lyrics are down right frightening. Everybody’s capping each other’s asses, slapping their hos and killing cops. Back in my day, we rebelled, but we did it subtly; like taking an extra cookie, or dipping pigtails in ink wells, or giving swirlies to that geeky kid who was always answering teacher’s question. Poor Howie Hughes! I wonder what ever happened to that little nerd. But you don’t see gentle rebellion like that anymore. Now it’s drive-bys, shoot-em-ups and extreme payback. Everybody is all IN YOUR FACE! I’m scared to watch MTV anymore.

Take a look at the political scene. Those right wing radio show hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage have made a name for themselves belittling opposing points of view, spewing forth hateful words and pouring gasoline on the fires of ignorance. Take a look at that Ann Coulter…that is if you can. My God, she’s a walking skeleton! She looks like a meth addict! Has she heard of the concept of food and eating? Anyhoo, she complains that liberals are evil, mean and rooting for the terrorists and then she calls those 9/11 widows harpies and merry widows dancing on their husbands graves! That’s about as rude and assholish as you can get! And then those so called ‘compassionate’ conservatives like David Horowitz enable her by saying stuff like “she’s a national treasure”. Oprah’s a national treasure, you moron! Ann Coulter is just a miserable excuse for a human being! How’s that for IN YOUR FACE, Ms. Coulter? I remember seeing a plaque on the wall in a brothel in Nevada once that stuck with me to this day. It said “Be sure and wear a condom”. Wait… that’s not it… okay… I got it now. It said “Be the change you want to be in the world”. What a beautiful sentiment! Well, I guess the conservatives want the world to be rude, ignorant and full of hate.

Well, I’ve gone beyond my rant limit set by Dr. Mesmer; I’m still recuperating from my latest illness don’t you know. It’s time to calm myself down with an episode of Jerry Springer. Nothing says peace and quiet like squabbling, overweight rednecks who like to make fools of themselves on national television. Jerry, you’re an American treasure, too!

Holiday Conversations At The Mall

iPads, iPhones, Androids and other mobile devices are everywhere and you can really observe this when you go xmas shopping your nearest mall. In the olden days, one might turn to the person shopping next to them or standing in line and start a conversation. Now, everyone is having conversations… on their cell phones. They’re chatting with their best friends about the bargains they’re seeing or they’ve got their heads down gazing at their smart phones checking their all important Facebook status. Happy Holidays folks, but please don’t talk to us…we’re playing Angry Birds.

Everyone is spreading holiday cheer this year at the local shopping mall by constantly checking their mobile devices and having conversations...on their cell phones.



Baby Talk, Baby Talk

Well it’s the holiday season so that means that it’s time to go out and shop for all your loved ones. So what should you get your baby or toddler this year. Skip the toys, dolls and stuffed animals. We think there’s no better gift to give your infant than a cell phone and bluetooth. Mobile devices are ubiquitous these days and you might as well get your little one wired up as soon as possible because there is nothing more important in life than staying connected to the grid.

Wireless companies are targeting an increasingly younger audience these days.

GOP’s Prayer Health Plan

It’s no secret that the Republicans have been against Obamacare since day 1; I mean they shutdown the government because of it. But at the same time, they’ve offered no plans of their own. But on the contrary…we found an article in our August 31, 2006 issue where the Republicans came up with a fantastic plan that had their party all a- titter with excitement.

Republicans Push New Prayer Health Plan

Responding to the fact that almost 46 million Americans are without health insurance, conservative congressional Republicans are pushing for a new faith based health plan administered by churches instead of insurance companies. Proponents estimate that this new prayer health plan could save people millions of dollars.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who is also a doctor, described the new plan. “This affordable plan works in the following way. The participant phones in a prayer to the health insurance prayer network and our authorized prayer speakers, who are much holier than you, say a prayer for your health and well being. All this for only $50 a month for a family of four. Of course, if you want holier people, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to pray for you, you can opt for the $75 a month plan; for a family of four. What a bargain! Then there is the elite plan where President Bush will pray for you for $100 a month. Just think; God’s chosen one praying for you and your family! You’re sure to stay healthy! These plans don’t cover single people over 18, because in the Lord’s eyes, you must be married to a member of the opposite sex, before your life is worth anything. And no atheists, non-Christians, tree-huggers, free-thinkers, anti-War protesters, abortionists, gun control freaks, gays, lesbians, Democraps or other liberal wackos. To be covered you must convert to Christianity and Republicanism. And what’s more, you don’t need to see a doctor since you’re connected straight to the Lord. It looks like I’m out of business, heh-heh!”

Many in the religious community hailed the plan as revolutionary. “This new health care plan is exactly what America needs,” said televangelist Jerry Falwell. “Every thinking man knows that germs, bacteria and viruses are just the creation of the liberal elite and smartsy fartsy scientists. The only way to truly protect you and your family against illness is to pray, pray, pray.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, said “This is truly a great day for God-fearing Americans everywhere. Soon the evil, godless liberals will die off because they can’t participate in this plan and won’t want to convert. Then America will be cleansed and ready for the Rapture, which will be coming any day now, according to my communications with the Almighty.”

The Union for Advancement of Science spokesman Dr. Alfred Maxwell shook his head and said, “This is absolutely unbelievable. What is going on here? Have we taken a step back into the Middle Ages? What’s next? Witch burnings and inquisitions? I…I…I’m utterly speechless. This does it. I can’t stands it no more. I’m moving to Canada. Sure they’re idea of fun is curling, but at least if I get sick up there, it won’t put me and my family into debilitating debt for all eternity.”

Many Americans seemed relieved about the new health plan. Janice Wilcox of Shannon, West Virginia said, “Hallelujah! I never did trust those scientists and doctors. They said my lousy diet and no exercise was causing my obesity and bad health. Well nuts to them. All I need is prayer! I’m going for the President Bush plan. He talks to God, you know.”

Karl Billings of Tarrington, Georgia said, “At last; an end to all that evil scientific research and knowledge gaining. That stem cell research was just a liberal coverup for murdering innocent embryos. Maybe now people will do the Lord’s work and start killing some Muslims!”

Joe Jones of Lake Runamucka, Tennessee said, “Finally! An affordable risk-free health plan that’s sure to work.”