Rewind: Crappy Infomercial Secrets

2023 marks the 20th anniversary of the BilgeBucket Gazette. Our first issue was on May 19, 2003 and we’ve been shoveling it to the public, just like the corporate media, ever since. We changed our format to a WordPress blog in 2011 so all of our earlier material was archived. We’ve been reposting many of those archived articles, headlines, photo-toons, BilgeBucket Lists and other content over the past twelve years. In honor of our 20th, and because we’re sick of the current state of affairs in the world, we’ll be reposting more items from 2003 through 2009 throughout this year.

Infomercials have been the bane of 21st century television. If you can’t get to sleep and turn on any cable channel or antenna TV channel, you know what we’re talking about. Everything from orthotics for your shoes to secret beauty treatments to music hits from yesteryear; Americans have been inundated with entire shows devoted with getting you to buy schtufff – schtufff that you really don’t need and may not even work.

We dug up an old article from our August 16, 2007 edition where some washed-up movie actress is trying to hawk her beauty secrets to the unsuspecting rubes who may be watching her infomercial – all for fun and profit.

Star Reveals Crappy Beauty Secret

Television actress, Victoria Primero, who starred in the popular 1980’s night time soap, Shreveport, has recently completed her infomercial touting her secret to beautiful skin; rubbing manure on her face before she goes to bed every night. This odd beauty secret has won many adherents in the celebrity world, who rave about the results, although many consumers seem weary.

“I know it’s hard for some people to believe,” said a beaming Primero, “But I rub shit on my face every night before I go to bed and my skin has never looked better. At first, the smell kind of got to me, I have to admit. But after you get use to it, it’s no problem at all. It also helps if you’re not in a relationship because usually men run for the exit sign when they see me break out my bucket of pig manure and start slopping it on my face. But when it comes to it, I’d rather have beautiful young looking skin than love.”

Young singing sensation and socialite, Tiffany Brittany, also swears by the treatment. “I’m like so totally blown away by this treatment. Like, who knew that shit could be so good for your skin? Not me, that’s for sure. But like make sure you get it all off your face before you go clubbing. Like one time, I didn’t and I was shitfaced before I even got shitfaced. . . . Oh my God! I just now got that!”

Former child star, Linda Doll, swears by it. “Since my career is pretty much dead, I need to pay my bills and support my drug habit. That’s why I love these new manure products that Victoria is hawking on an easily duped public. Take it from me, Linda Doll; it’s good shit!”

Noted Bulgarian dermatologist and psychic, Lazlo Bresniewski, who introduced the treatment to America, explained how he discovered the revolutionary treatment. “I was on family farm as boy and every day my brother, Boris push me into cow shit pile. He make me stay there for hours. In our teen age years, I never get pimples. Boris became, how you say, ‘pizza face’. I think to myself. ‘I think the shit keep me young.’ I work on my theory and perfected it. I tried smearing shit on young girls faces in my village. I would try pig shit, cow shit, donkey shit . . .Oh sure, I would get my face smacked, but the women, they love me when they no get the crows feet when they hit twenty and believe me, women in my country go down hill when they hit twenty. So the women in my village, they love me. They say tell the world. So I come to America and spread my word. I guess you could say my word is shit. Hey, I’m funny, too. Eat your heart out, Yakov Smirnoff!”

Despite rave reviews from celebrities, many people are reluctant to rub feces on their faces. Karen Haren, of Dallas, Texas, said, “I work at the cosmetics counter at Mallards and honestly I don’t think shit will sell all that well. Maybe Ms. Primero ought to hawk her cosmetic product over at Home Depot’s Garden department.”

Daisy Mae Kinlove, of Burris, Missouri said, “Now whys’d I go buy some expensive crap from some hi-falutin’ star when I gots my own slops right out back. And you don’ts just wears it at night. I smears it all over myself. It shore done drive my Cletus crazy!”

Donna Reece, of Los Angeles, California, said, “I know all my favorite stars swear by this treatment, but I just don’t know about rubbing shit on my face. Oh, what the hell. They’re celebrities! There the smartest people in the world! They know better than I do!”

Got The Blahs? Read A Book!

In case you haven’t noticed, we haven’t published many posts in 2021. Joe Biden is doing a great job so far, but our motivation levels here at the Bucket are anemic. Maybe we’re still fatigued from four years of non-stop insanity from Trump and the Republicans. Or maybe we’re dismayed with all the continued mass shootings, the ongoing pandemic, the Chauvin trial, anti-maskers and continued Republican chicanery. We weren’t sure why we’ve been so demotivated lately but we found an article about having the blahs that suggested a cause and possible solution. Just like a lot of Americans, we seem to be languishing – a feeling of joylessness and aimlessness.

One of the solutions for languishing is focusing on a small goal and give yourself uninterrupted time to accomplish said goal. We’ll refer to a post from a year ago when America had just started quarantining from the pandemic. We recommended everyone read a book. Guess what? We still highly recommend it. Take a look at the reading list we provided, chock full of informative, entertaining books pertaining to science, nature, politics and history.

We also recommend books over at Copper Cactus E-books, which contains science fiction stories by budding Arizonan sci-fi writer S. Zarkon. His primary series, Tales of Zarkon, which are inspired by The Twilight ZoneStrange Tales and The Outer Limits, are science fiction/suspense stories exploring the quirky, dark and bizarre aspects of humanity and reality. Strange twists and odd turns will lead the reader down shadowy paths where anything can happen and nothing is as it seems. And many of Zarkon’s tales are set in Arizona, too. Hopefully, we’ll all get through our languishing period and some normalcy will return to our lives soon.

Got the blahs? Read a science fiction story like one of S. Zarkon’s Tales of Zarkon at szarkon.com.
Got the blahs? Read a science fiction story like one of S. Zarkon’s Tales of Zarkon at szarkon.com.

Beware The Lincoln Project

There has been a lot of buzz this election season, or as we call it around here, Con-a-thon 2020, because of the caustic, acerbic ads produced on a daily basis by a group called the Lincoln Project. This organization is led by a several so-called Never-Trumpers who oppose America’s Impeached CEO/Dictator Donald Trump that include George Conway, Rick Wilson and Steve Schmidt. All these people are Republicans who supposedly are fed up with the current state of the GOP and have decided to make devastating videos that attack the President. These videos have had a disastrous effect on Trump’s poll numbers and could lead to the Republican’s not only losing the White House but also the Senate. Even we’ve posted links to a few ads.

So, what’s bad about that? Getting rid of this slimeball President and his asskissing Republicans is a good thing, right? Keep in mind that all three of the above people in charge of the Lincoln Project are POLITICAL STRATEGISTS. Also keep in mind that they all VOTED FOR TRUMP, which they don’t really mention a whole lot. It was pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain that Donald Trump was ill-equipped to be President in 2016. We even joked about it back in 2012 after Mitt Romney lost the election, when Trump bloviated forth and proclaimed he’d start a revolution. Well, apparently Mr. Conway, Mr. Wilson and Mr. Schmidt have less than half a brain.

Consider this about each one, too, and you’ll realize the whole Lincoln Project just doesn’t pass the smell test. Conway is married to Kellyanne Conway, the President’s Prevaricating Puppet who tries lamely to spin every stupid thing Trump says into a fountain of wisdom. How can this man remain married to this woman? What’s more, As staff curmudgeon Chester Einstein put it, “How can I trust someone who’s married to this little lying con artist?” The whole operation is a kabuki theater of bullshit but yet Americans seem to be fascinated and repulsed at the same time.

Steve Schmidt was famously John McCain’s campaign manager and actually thought it was a good idea to have Sarah ‘Ms. U-betcha’ Palin on the ticket. Should anyone trust what this man says ever? Yet, he’s making the rounds on all the talk shows as the face of the Never-Trumpers and the liberals are treating him like royalty because he dares to stand up to the President. He’s definitely saying the right things challenging Trumpty Dumpty. But it took him until 2018 to speak up. Could it be that Schmidt’s the chosen one in this grand ol’ political theater orchestrated by the GOP who’s playing the ‘reasonable guy’? Sorry, folks; we just don’t trust the guy.

Rick Wilson is the one who tried to tie then Democratic Senator Max Cleland, who was a disabled veteran and silver star recipient, to Osama Bin-Laden and Saddam Hussein all in an effort to help Saxby Chambliss win the Senator seat. The mudslinging worked and Chambliss won. He also tweeted in 2012 a picture of a cooler that proudly proclaimed ‘the South shall rise again’. The Tampa native’s slimy fingerprints are all over many of the Lincoln Projects ads.

The people who run the Lincoln Project are doing nothing more than setting things up for the Republican Party, post-Trump. They are laying the groundwork for politics where devastating hate ads, which may or may not be true, will hold sway over vulnerable people who don’t have the capacity for critical thought or investigating stories on their own. Unfortunately, the negative smear campaigns have worked like a charm in the 21st century. In election after election, Republicans bombard the airwaves with them (i.e. Swiftboating against John Kerry) as Democrats try to take the high road which, unfortunately, has rarely worked. We are actually old enough to remember when elections weren’t all attack ads. Now, with the Lincoln Project, dirty politics will become the norm and a whole new generation of ratf*cking Republicans will slither forward and take over spreading hateful misinformation to every gullible Gus and Gerty around.

In summary: if these ‘noble’ Americans of the Lincoln Project were so concerned about Trump, why didn’t they release the ads in 2016. Trump hasn’t changed. He was just as obnoxious back then. Sane, intelligent citizens should relish that these vile rats are attacking the other vile GOP rats but DO NOT be conned into thinking they’re on your side or you’ll be sorry.

Heads up, Democrats: The effective, acerbic, caustic ads against Donald Trump by the Lincoln Project, headed by George Conway, Rick Wilson and Steve Schmidt, will be used against Democrats for the remainder of the 21st century.
Heads up, Democrats: The effective, acerbic, caustic ads against Donald Trump by the Lincoln Project, headed by George Conway, Rick Wilson and Steve Schmidt, will be used against Democrats for the remainder of the 21st century.

Quarantine Blues? Read A Book!

The coronavirus has temporarily changed the way of life in America. Most states have issued stay at home orders and only essential businesses remain open. Americans are practicing social distancing and many people are reportedly getting the quarantine blues. What’s the solution?

Here’s a novel idea… read a book! Yes, that old tried and true way of obtaining information and entertaining oneself is still a wonderful way to pass the time. We’ve compiled a list of some of our staff’s favorite books in science, nature, politics and history.

Or if you’re in the mood for lighter fare, check out the e-books available at Copper Cactus E-books, which includes the Tales of Zarkon science fiction series by Arizonan S. Zarkon. As staff member Lamebeard the Pirate sez, “Arrrghhh! They’re ripping good yarns!” They’re affordably priced, too.

Got the coronavirus quarantine blues? Read a book like one of S. Zarkon's Tales of Zarkon at szarkon.com.
Got the coronavirus quarantine blues? Read a book like one of S. Zarkon’s Tales of Zarkon at szarkon.com.

Get Your Irish On!

St. Patricks day is fast approaching. If you need Irish gear, we recommend going to the Cyphernaut store and peruse their selections. They have an Irish harp design and a shamrock design that you can place on t-shirts, mugs, stickers, etc. Pretty cool stuff! Erin go bragh!

St. Patrick's Day is approaching. Get your Irish on with Ireland (Eire) gear from the Cyphernaut store. Erin go bragh!
St. Patrick’s Day is approaching. Get your Irish on with Ireland (Eire) gear from the Cyphernaut store. Erin go bragh!

Soulless Capitalism

Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg recently came under fire for stating that he won’t fact check political ads in the upcoming 2020 election thus clearing the way for possibly more election interference from foreign agents. The Mueller report clearly stated that dubious foreign entities played a part in the 2016 election by disseminating false information on social media sites and even hacking into some election systems in Florida. To her credit, Elizabeth Warren challenged Zuckerberg by purposely running a fake news ad on Facebook to draw attention to what a serious problem this is for democracy.

We shouldn’t be surprised though. We’ve commented before about how unregulated capitalism (a.k.a. no laws to check corporations or corporate power) breeds colossal amounts of greed, avarice, selfishness and corruption. We’ve become a SEGUMUCA nation. More people than ever are trying to get rich quick using whatever possible method, even if it’s illegal. Just watch some episodes of American Greed. It’s enough to make you sick. Capitalism is nothing more than indirect cannibalism.

So Mark Zuckerberg is no different than Donald Trump or any greedy capitalist serving in his administration(Wilbur Ross, Steve Mnuchin, etc…) or unethical Republican in the House or Senate who looks the other way while Trump commits crime after crime. They worship the almighty buck and will support all others with the same money-grubbing, materialistic mindset. These callous automatons are only interested in our data so they can make more money off of us schmucks in the middle class who do all the work. And right now, these greedy, soulless capitalists are in complete control of this nation.

Truth and justice don't matter to today's capitalists like Mark Zuckerberg; they're only interested in your data and your money.
Truth and justice don’t matter to today’s capitalists like Mark Zuckerberg; they’re only interested in your data and your money.

McSally: Another Trump Lackey

Since phony, feckless, Jeff Flake has opted out of politics for the time being, Democrats have an excellent chance to pick up a Senate seat here in usually red Arizona in the 2018 midterms. Democrat Kyrsten Sinema, who has served the 9th Congressional district since 2014, is running for Senator against Republican Martha McSally, who has served the 2nd Congressional district. So at least Arizona will have it’s first female Senator.

But as you’d expect from the modern day GOP, they are slinging mud like it’s a monster truck show. McSally has been relentless in her character assassination attack ads on local tv here, spewing forth volumes of lies and misleading claims on Sinema, forcing the Democratic candidate to play defense. Unfortunately, the ads seem to be working as Sinema’s lead since earlier this year, which was substantial, has slipped in the polls. Sinema has voted many times with Republicans over the past four years because she has to walk a political tightrope since many in her district are Republicans. But like her ads state, Sinema is truly an Independent like the majority of Arizonans are and will represent the state as it is now becoming; a purple state.

But McSally is hardly a ramrod straight as she claims to be and she seems to be adopting a Trumpian manner in attacking Sinema and the Democrats. Sure, she impressively served as a pilot in the military (we truly applaud her record of service). But she had the nerve to attack Sinema for protesting the clusterf*ck that was the Iraq War and the quagmire that still is the Afghanistan war. And she’s claiming Sinema is protecting molesters and rapists, and would leave the border unprotected, which is downright lying and dirty politics, something Republicans claim to abhor. The only thing Sinema disagrees with McSally on border security is the necessity of a wall: McSally wants Trump’s stupid wall and Sinema wisely sees that its a waste of taxpayers money that won’t solve the problem (drones, tunnels, etc…).  McSally also distanced herself from Trump after his election, but is now embracing the orange haired megalomaniac with open arms like other former moderate Trump-haters like Lindsey Graham and Susan Collins in the GOP. There is no doubt that McSally will be a rubber stamp for a man who is proudly ignorant and grossly dishonest as evidence by his recent 60 Minutes interview. If there’s anything we don’t need more of in this country, it’s Trump lackeys.

It should be very interesting here in Arizona on election day. This state may not become blue, but it could become very purple November 6th which is more indicative of what this state is: Independent.

America's CEO/Dictator Donald Trump expresses gratitude that Martha McSally will be a good little lackey for whatever disastrous policy he wants like wars with Iran, China, Mexico and California and the complete demolishing of Social Security.
Arizona Republican candidate for Senator, Martha McSally, clarifies that she’ll be nothing more than a rubber stamp for any stupid, disastrous policy that springs forth from America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump’s addled brain.

We’re Living In 1984

We’re sick of Trump and his horde of gun loving, conservative Republican malcontents, so we’re doing a palette cleanser today and instead focus on how technology has transformed our society and not always for the best.

We’ve commented before about the ubiquity of cell phones and how we’re completely and totally distracted by all things related to technology. We saw the old Apple Macintosh commercial from 1984 not too long ago and the irony leaped out at us. In the commercial, the downtrodden people are slaves to their masters who appear on screens barking instructions on what to do and how to do it. By choosing the Mac, one can break free from the bonds of uniformity and gains independence.

Cut to the 21st century and people everywhere are walking around like automatons taking orders from first, Apple’s guru Steve Jobs, who passed away in 2011, and now Tim Cook. When Apple issues a new iPhone, people drop what they’re doing and wait in line for days for the new gadget. When Jobs spoke, people sat spellbound in the audience just like in the 1984 commercial. Now, Cook does the same. Oh, the Irony!

We’re not saying all tech is bad. The Internet is clearly a wonderful thing. No longer does one have to trek to a library to do research. One can find the weather forecast instantaneously or watch world events happening in real time.  But the fact is that we don’t control technology anymore; technology controls us.  We are truly slaves to technology. And the people who are in control of our society are taking complete advantage.  At any given time, you can be tracked down and located. One disturbing instance in Orwell’s book 1984 was that people couldn’t even enjoy their own privacy. Big Brother was always watching them and knew where they were at all times. Well, Big Brother is watching us now and it’s not just the government. Tech companies like Facebook, Twitter and Google wield enormous power and influence. Our society is permanently distracted by social media and until we learn to control our addiction, our society will continue to suffer. When the measure of a human being is how many friends one has on Facebook or how many followers you have on Twitter then something is seriously wrong. We need to break free from this conformity and regain our independence or else accept that the dystopian future of 1984 has come to pass.

Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell's book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.
Humanity has managed to make the dystopian future depicted in George Orwell’s book 1984 a reality in the technology addicted 21st century.