Tag Archive for Giuliani

Trumpland Motto: Truth Isn’t Truth

Things are getting mighty strange and confusing in the enormous conservative Republican bubble called Trumpland, a.k.a. the Republican party, these days. Paul Manafort has been found guilty on eight counts of financial crimes. Trump’s old lawyer, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to campaign finance violations . And Trump’s current lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, keeps making a colossal ass out of himself. The most recent time occurred this past weekend when Giuliani told Meet the Press host, Chuck Prod…er…we mean Todd, that “Truth isn’t Truth”. We answer that statement in the voice of Dana Carvey’s the Church Lady, “Well, well, well. Isn’t that Orwellian!”

So what exactly is the truth to Giuliani or any cowardly, feckless Republican these days. Since the GOP has gone into full fascist mode, we’re guessing that the truth is anything America’s CEO/Dictator Donald Trump, a.k.a. Dear Leader, says it is.

America's CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani states boldly and clearly that the truth isn't the truth or that the truth is what Donald Trump says it is.

To cowardly, feckless Republicans, the truth is what America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump, a.k.a. Dear Leader, says it is.

Giuliani: The Melting Man

Former mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani has returned to the spotlight recently and just as quickly may be returning to oblivion. Giuliani was hired to be on America’s CEO/Dictator, Donald Trump’s legal team after Ty Cobb resigned. Giuliani immediately stuck his foot in his big mouth by making the rounds in the media and stating that Trump did pay back the hush money to Michael Cohen that he doled out to porn actress Stormy Daniels, which promptly proves that Trump lied about not knowing anything about hush money payments. In each of Giuliani’s television appearances, he appeared completely out of sorts, yelling at times and appearing completely bamboozled and lost. We think the term ‘meltdown’ is very appropriate. He reminded us of the famous face melting scene of Major Arnold Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Of course, we’ve never really understood why Giuliani was so popular. True, he was mayor of New York during 9/11 and he displayed a calmness through the resulting tumult that was reassuring. But beyond that…zilch. He always seemed like a bit of a mobster and he’s certainly acting like it now. At least he fits in with the Trump administration, which has been one embarrassing event after another since January 16, 2017. Mr. Giuliani’s media tour has been a complete fiasco. He has proven he is incompetent enough to be associated with Donald Trump. Way to go, Rudy!

Hot from his recent media meltdowns, Trump lawyer Rudy Guliani bears a striking resemblance to the melty face Major Arnold Toht from the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Hot from his recent media meltdowns, Trump lawyer Rudy Guliani bears a striking resemblance to the melty face Major Arnold Toht from the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Boss Limhogg Barks Orders To GOP Lackeys

Here’s some political BS from our March 7, 2009 issue.

Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh took a bold step last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington D.C. and proclaimed himself head of the Republican party. Limbaugh, sporting a black cowboy hat and southern style suit, announced that he would know like to be known as Boss Limhogg to which the crowd of sycophantic Republicans howled with an approving “gkew-gkew-gkew”.

“My fellow conservatives,” croaked Limhogg. “Remember back during the Iraq War when I said that we should never criticize the President and how un-American that would be. Well, screw that! We are the last bastions of true patriotic Americans and it is our duty to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama, the magic Negro, fails at everything he does as President. He doesn’t truly represent Americans; he wasn’t even born in this country. His socialist agenda would be catastrophic for our poor bankers and Wall Street CEOs who are fighting valiantly to preserve the plutocracy that we’ve worked so hard to establish. He even wants to help those homeowners who were stupid enough to take those risky loans instead of the money lenders who bravely offered them. Why it’s the second coming of Stalin I tells ya!”

New RNC Chairman Michael ‘Roscoe’ Steele was the first to acknowledge Limbaugh’s unquestioned superiority. “I apologize for ever saying Mr. Limhogg was ugly or even worse, an entertainer. He’s the finest American I know and I am proud to be his right hand flunkey. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Georgia GOP Representative, Phil Gingrey, who openly criticized the radio personality in January, offered nothing but flattery. “I’m so sorry about ever saying anything negative about Boss. You’re the smartest person ever and I’ll always ask your advice on every issue from now on. I love you Rush, I truly do! Oh please forgive me Rush! Please oh please oh please! Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Many big names in the Republican Party raved about the new Boss. Former disgraced Republican Congressman Tom Delay praised Limhogg loudly and strongly. “Boss Limhogg is a great role model and I know all about role models since I am one. Every American should want to be like Rush: overweight, obnoxious, crass, rude, hypocritical, egotistical, and drug addicted. Why the world be a lot better place if we were. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Evangelist Pat Robertson said, “Why if Jesus Christ was right here in front of me, which he hopefully will be very soon, he’d be saying that Rush is what Christianity is all about. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani gushed, “I love Rush’s makeover. He looks like Boss Hogg and Johnny Cash all in one. I can see why he gets all the babes. Why if I were dressed up like a woman right now, I’d be all over that stylish tub of goo. Gkew-gkew-gkew!”

Dittoheads also expressed their support for Boss Limhogg. Cletus Dillman of Scarlet Thorax, Texas said, “I can’t stand the idea of being socialist. Everyone being equal and sharing things? As a Christian, I find that idea very offensive.”

Farley Kerwood of Beetle Meadows, Georgia said, “Ugggh. Rush good. Obama bad. Me hungry. Me want beer.”

Darryl Hull of Rebel Falls, Mississippi said, “I listen to Boss Limhogg everyday and I think he is such a regular guy. I would love to get together with El Rushbo and have a beer with him. That is if he ever steps foot outside his Palm Beach mansion or gets off the golf course at his country club. But I’m sure he’d acknowledge my presence.”

Boss Limhogg then dismissed his fawning minions. “In closing, we’ve got to get those Obama boys and keep our moonshine…er…money safe for all of Hazzard Coun…er…I mean the United States of America. Now everyone form a line so that you may come up here and kiss my ass” to which the audience gave a resounding “gkew, gkew gkew”.

New self-appointed Republican head honcho Boss Limhogg, dressed stylishly in his Boss Hogg/Johnny Cash ensemble, keeps his lackey, new RNC Chairman Michael "Roscoe" Steele in line.

Election BS

Here’s some more BS, this time of the political variety.  We’ve refrained so far from commenting on the upcoming 2012 Presidential election because it’s still 2011. Remember back in the ’60s and ’70s, candidates usually didn’t start having debates until at least the summer before the election. Now we’re having them a year and two months before the election. And political pundits are declaring that it’s too late for Sarah Palin to run. We’ve got 14 months left. Everyone knows Ms. Ubetcha’s going to end up running. Yes, the 2012 election is gearing up to be one big joke. With that in mind, here’s an article from our May 12, 2007 issue.

Americans Ponder 2008 Presidential Candidates

The 2008 Presidential Election is heating up as the American electorate must choose their next President with a scant 18 months left until the general election. Both Democratic and Republican candidates have fielded questions about the issues in the hopes of setting them apart from each other. Most Americans unbelievably still haven’t made up their minds yet but many offered up their impressions of the candidates so far.

Democrat Ken Brewster of Maltby, Delaware, said “I’m a big fan of cookies so I like Dennis Kucinich. He looks just like a Keebler elf. Hopefully, he’s got some of that elfin magic.”

Texstar Oil Co. CEO Charles F. Townsend IV said, “For my money, I like George W. Bush. He’s done everything we’ve paid him to do. We’ve posted record profits since he’s been in office and he’s turned back just about every environmental regulation that hinders us from cashing in big time. What? He can’t run again because this is his second term. Well, we’ll just see about that. Kendra! Bring me my checkbook! I’ve got a Constitution to mold to my liking.”

Alan Jackson of Cedar Falls, Virginia said, “I’m an African American so it’s pretty obvious who I’m voting for…Mitt Romney. Who else speaks more for the poor, oppressed, disenfranchised black people of America than a squeaky clean, rich, white Mormon?”

Lisa O’Bannon of Walnut Creek, Indiana said, “I’m voting for Sanjaya. He’s sooooooooooo cute!”

David Wichita of Topeka, Kansas said, “I’m voting for Sam Brownback. He doesn’t believe in evolution. He knows that the only way to change your lot in life is by the power of prayer. Well that and sending at least one hundred dollars a month to the good Reverend Bilkwell’s ministries and their prayer specialists. Their prayers count extra don’t you know.”

Noel Chambers of Delshire, New Hampshire, said “I’m voting for that electrifying Democratic candidate from 2004. He was absolutely unforgettable. Oh, what was his name? I can see him so clearly in my mind’s eye right now. He was really wooden, had great hair and had a monotone speaking voice. Gore!…no wait that was 2000. Dukakis!…no that was in ’88. Mondale…no that was in 1984. Kerry, that’s it. Wow! I just had a revelation. I know why the Democrats have lost so many Presidential elections since 1980.”

Janice Meese of Conrad, Oklahoma said, “Most people think that as a woman, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton. But I believe a woman just shouldn’t be President. According to the Bible, the woman’s place is in the home, raising the kids, and cooking the meals. Why if I don’t have dinner on the table at 5:00pm when Jim gets home from work, there is hell to pay, believe you me. And I never question anything Jim says. He’s the man of the house and is therefore always right. Besides, a woman just won’t be able to protect us from those fanatical Muslims. Can you believe how badly they treat their women?”

Drag queen, Nina Broadway of San Francisco, California said, “Giuliani speaks to me for some reason. He’s the only candidate in either party who’s dressed like a woman… oops…that is besides Hillary. But then again, Rudy looks better in a dress than she does.”

“I like that Mike Gravel guy,” said Nick Yankowski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “He’s kind of cross between Fozzie Bear and Admiral Stockdale. Remember him. He was Perot’s running mate in ’92. Remember when he asked during the debates, ‘Why am I here?’ Hah! Hah! We need those kind of madcap antics in this election to keep our minds off what a mess this country is in.”

Staunch Republican Joe ‘Digger’ Belsky of Laughton, Illinois said, “I know who I’m not going to vote for and that’s Bill Richardson. That guy advocates diplomacy, fiscal responsibility and energy independence. Then he says the first thing he’s going to do is withdraw from Iraq and then he’s going to establish a sound, environmentally friendly energy policy. I mean, what kind of moonbeam, wacko, nut job is he?”