religion – Page 9 – BilgeBucket Gazette

Hypocritical Oaf

Remember when Hurricane Sandy devastated the East Coast back in 2012, killing 117 people and causing an estimated 65 billion dollars in damage. Millions of people were left in need of federal assistance to recover. But fortunately for conservative Republicans, a brash young tea party hellcat named Ted Cruz voted against a disaster relief bill for victims of the horrendous storm.

Fast forward to this past week and Ted Cruz is demanding President Obama and congress provide disaster relief for the victims of the recent calamitous flooding in Texas which claimed 15 lives. Remember, Ted Cruz is running for president so he has to appear to his fellow Texans like he gives a damn about them. If he keeps this up, he’ll out flip-flop Spiff Romney.

Teabagger patriot, climate change denier, staunch anti-socialist and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, proclaims that despite being against federal assistance for disaster victims, President Obama should send federal aid to Texas flood victims because...you know...Ted Cruz wants to be president.

Rewind: Falwell’s Date For Eternity

With the recent fallout of the Religious Freedom Bill in Indiana and the launching of Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign from Liberty University, which was founded by evangelical preacher Jerry Falwell, we decided to dig out one of our old photo-toons on Mr. Falwell right after his death in May of 2007. If you remember, Mr. Falwell didn’t particularly like the Teletubbies, especially Tinky Winky. Well, Mr. Falwell finally discovers his eternal reward isn’t quite what he thought it would be.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell gets to spend eternity with his old pal from the teletubbies, Tinky Winky. — The Reverend Jerry Falwell has just found out the afterlife isn't what he thought it was going to be.

Falwell was well known for his controversial, hateful statements over the years. Here’s a short compendium of his most offensive quotes. Yeah, we don’t miss him either.

Jerry Falwell’s Greatest Hates

On Sept. 11: “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.'”
On AIDS: “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.”
On feminists: “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals. … These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they’re mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men; that’s their problem.”
On global warming: “I can tell you, our grandchildren will laugh at those who predicted global warming. We’ll be in global cooling by then, if the Lord hasn’t returned. I don’t believe a moment of it. The whole thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability.”
On Martin Luther King Jr.: “I must personally say that I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left-wing associations.”
On Islam: “I think Mohammed was a terrorist. I read enough of the history of his life, written by both Muslims and non-Muslims, that he was a violent man, a man of war.”
On Jews: “In my opinion, the Antichrist will be a counterfeit of the true Christ, which means that he will be male and Jewish, since Jesus was male and Jewish.”
On public education: “I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again, and Christians will be running them.”
On the separation of church and state: “There is no separation of church and state.”

A Douchey Move

We’ve had a changing of the guard here in Arizona during the last election. Jan ‘Skeletor’ Brewer has handed over the reigns of her wingnut kingdom to former ice cream magnate Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey). Ducey, not to be outdone on the insanity meter by Indiana’s Mike Pence, this past week signed a bill that prohibits women from using the federal health exchange health care program to pay to an abortion. Also they stated erroneously that doctors have the right to tell women that the process is reversible, a claim critics call junk science. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Republicans are making up science to match their narrow ideology. I mean most Republicans believe angels exist, think the Earth is only six thousand years old and Jesus co-existed with the dinosaurs. Coming soon from the Republican Science Labs: the Sun really does revolve around the Earth.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey's health plan for women who want an abortion is a good old fashioned wire hanger. — Arizona Governor Doug Ducey (pronounced douchey) announces his ‘old fashioned’ health plan for women who may want to terminate a pregnancy.

They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Discrimination And Intolerance

The nation’s outrage over Indiana’s recent law guaranteeing ‘religious freedom’ and condoning discrimination and intolerance is growing. Boycotts have been announced. Even corporations have announced that they’ll be changing their business relations with the state; which is very serious because this nation is a corporate oligarchy and business is the golden calf here. So you think with all the economic pressure coming to bear on Indiana, do you think conservative christian stalwart, Governor Mike Pence, is going to relent? Hah! No way! He stands firmly behind his decidedly non-christian behavior. Not only that, other leading candidates for the Republican nomination like Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz have announced support for Pence. Because you see, admitting that you’re wrong on anything is not something that conservative christian Republicans do. But as the christians have always stated throughout history(see Spanish Inquisition, Meso-America conquest, Native American conquest, Pacific Islander conquest, Galileo’s scientific discoveries, etc…), it’s not discrimination or intolerance when we do it; it’s God’s will. It reminds us of that old song we learned in church “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love”, which has been conveniently updated in our photo-toon to reflect the state of modern christianity.

Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence's new slogan "They'll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance". — Capitalist Jesus, who is also very Republican, approves of Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s new slogan “They’ll know we are Christians by our discrimination and intolerance”.

NASA On Cruz Control

From the ‘You’ve got to be kidding me’ file…anti-science enthusiast and the smuggest human alive, Ted Cruz, has been named chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. Gee, what better person to put in charge of Science than a religious, nut case, teabagger who is ‘skeptical of the scientific theory’ of global warming, this despite a consensus of 97% of climate scientists that climate change is happening. With a man like Cruz, who barely believes in gravity, you can kiss NASA goodbye, even though he claims he’ll increase funding for NASA. Maybe he’ll put creationist, Ken Ham, in charge of NASA. The hijinx would really start then! We think, NASA should invite Senator Cruz on board a test flight and ‘accidentally’ shoot him into space. That would be a win for Planet Earth.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz calls himself Mr. Science and names Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham, as head of NASA. — Teabagger darling and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, promises he'll remake NASA and science to his and his religious supporters' liking.

Holy Shit!

It’s been awhile since we’ve posted some of our old satire articles from 2003-2009. So we’re going to start posting them more often, maybe a couple times a week. To start things off, in the wake of the religious fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, here’s one from our Religious BS file dated June 2, 2003.

Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary

Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.

“I was taking a dump,” said Torres. “And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I’m like ‘Look in the bowl’ and she said ‘I don’t want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!’ and I’m like ‘No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary’ and she squints down into the bowl and says ‘Dios Mio! It’s a miracle!'”

Many people are now making pilgrimages to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.

“I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector’s shit,” said Maria Torres. “It’s like she is saying to us, ‘Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.’ We are truly blessed!”

Hector’s brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. “The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can’t sleep at night. We can’t take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging.”

Hector’s other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and daughter, said, “I’m tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don’t get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my… quiet time.” He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, “I may go to Hell, but if Hector don’t flush that thing soon, I’m going to flush it myself!”

We Are Charlie

What a way to start out the new year. The recent shootings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris has struck a raw nerve with us here at the Bucket. We’re all atheists here. We tend to agree with Bill Maher’s statement on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that ‘“there are no great religions, they’re all stupid and dangerous,” Some people just do not seem to possess a sense of humor, especially religious fundamentalists. And isn’t it funny that religious fundamentalists seem to be…drum roll please…extreme conservatives. Go figure. One of the most important lessons in life we have learned is the ability to laugh at one’s self. Obviously, religious fundamentalists in all major organized religions seemed to have missed that lesson. Once again, fundamentalists in Islam have gotten upset over cartoons. CARTOONS!!!! We’d just like to say to all fundamentalists in every major religion on this planet… LIGHTEN UP!!!! LEARN HOW TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!!! GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!

Ahhh! We’re just messing with you. We can’t tell you ‘holy guys’ what to do. Go ahead and keep killing all the people who don’t believe what you believe. That’s worked so well for the past couple thousand years. There’s nothing like the status quo.

Jewish, Islamic, and Christian fundamentalists seem to get all pissy when someone points out the outdated silliness of their doctrines. — Fundamentalists from the major religions on Planet Earth agree on one thing: their senses of humor suck.

Treat ‘Em Like Polly

As usual, the Republican Fear and Noise Machine is in overdrive since Obama has boldly come out fighting after the election. Obama has pushed for keeping net neutrality, voting against the Keystone pipeline (it didn’t pass the Senate this past week), and the big news in the past week, an executive order for comprehensive immigration reform. The GOP is fit to be tied. Of course it doesn’t matter that a GOP investigative committee found no wrongdoing by the Obama administration in Benghazi. Speaker of the House, John Boehner (pronounced boner), had announced that they’ll pursue another investigation with a committee that he will select. How is a sane person to deal with these Republican shenanigans? We think the pet care world has an appropriate answer for dealing with the fearmongering, conservative Republican in your life. Just use the following tactic at Thanksgiving dinner if your Republican gets going on a rant.

If the fearmongering conservative Republican in your life keeps acting up, just throw a sheet over him, like you do Polly. — The pet care world provides an answer for dealing with the fearmongering, conservative Republican in your life.

The Holy Corporate Empire

Here’s a good article about how America has become a corporate theocracy. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. Its been happening gradually over the last 60 years; kind of like turning up the heat gradually on a pan of boiling water so the frogs inside the pot don’t even realize they’re getting boiled. Sinclair Lewis famously said something similar to the statement, “When fascism comes to America, it will wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Religions, especially christianity, are authoritarian by nature; the sheep follow the shepherd and do was he says; which is dangerous when the shepherd is a corporatist wolf, only interested in making profits off his duped sheep. Make no mistake; this holy corporatist state is the new fascism and the people implementing it are extremely authoritarian and will not tolerate any dissent.

Before World War II, you could tell a fascist because they usually wore a military uniform, service cap or helmet and jackboots. However, today’s fascist, thanks to wily marketing and propaganda tactics, is much more palatable to the average citizen. Today’s fascist wears a spiffy business suit with a flag lapel pin on one side and a cross on the other. And they’ve always got a sparkling, toothy smile(see Mitt Romney). If today’s holy corporate fascists have their way, if a business or corporation doesn’t like who you are or what you believe in, they will be able to deny you basic health services, employment or just plain service. That’s hokum, you say. But look at the decisions handed down by the religious, conservative activist dominated Supreme Court in the past 5 years. Corporations are ‘people’ who can give as much money as possible to political lackeys who will do their bidding and these corporations can impose their will on you in the name of religious freedom. Fascism has arrived in America in a nice, friendly, tidy combination of business, economics and religion that hates science, logic and reason. Goodbye United States of America; Hello The Holy Corporate Empire!

Fascism has a new uniform; Resistance is futile — Goodbye United States of America; Hello Holy Corporate Empire!

Rewind: 3:16 To Tehran

This is our final post in our brief Coming Soon To A Theater Near You retrospective…

Here’s a theater poster from our October 28, 2007 edition highlighting the Neocon Production 3:16 to Tehran starring George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Mo. Yep, the conservative christian Republicans, led by John McCain are still banging the drums for war against Iran and the rest of the Islamic world. If only those Muslims would convert to christianity…

George W. Bush is on a mission from God to spread christian love to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Iran in missile form. — 3:16 to Tehran: Super christian George W. Bush is on a mission from God as he and fellow neocon Dick Cheney try to convert Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Iran to christianity. Will his message of love from the book of John work in missile form? All aboard for the 3:16 to Tehran! Rated R for Rapturous.