It’s been awhile since we’ve posted some of our old satire articles from 2003-2009. So we’re going to start posting them more often, maybe a couple times a week. To start things off, in the wake of the religious fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, here’s one from our Religious BS file dated June 2, 2003.
Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary
Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.
“I was taking a dump,” said Torres. “And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I’m like ‘Look in the bowl’ and she said ‘I don’t want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!’ and I’m like ‘No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary’ and she squints down into the bowl and says ‘Dios Mio! It’s a miracle!'”
Many people are now making pilgrimages to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.
“I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector’s shit,” said Maria Torres. “It’s like she is saying to us, ‘Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.’ We are truly blessed!”
Hector’s brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. “The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can’t sleep at night. We can’t take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging.”
Hector’s other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and daughter, said, “I’m tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don’t get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my… quiet time.” He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, “I may go to Hell, but if Hector don’t flush that thing soon, I’m going to flush it myself!”