NASA On Cruz Control

From the ‘You’ve got to be kidding me’ file…anti-science enthusiast and the smuggest human alive, Ted Cruz, has been named chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. Gee, what better person to put in charge of Science than a religious, nut case, teabagger who is ‘skeptical of the scientific theory’ of global warming, this despite a consensus of 97% of climate scientists that climate change is happening. With a man like Cruz, who barely believes in gravity, you can kiss NASA goodbye, even though he claims he’ll increase funding for NASA. Maybe he’ll put creationist, Ken Ham, in charge of NASA. The hijinx would really start then! We think, NASA should invite Senator Cruz on board a test flight and ‘accidentally’ shoot him into space. That would be a win for Planet Earth.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz calls himself Mr. Science and names Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham, as head of NASA.
Teabagger darling and smuggest Senator alive, Ted Cruz, promises he'll remake NASA and science to his and his religious supporters' liking.

 

Holy Shit!

It’s been awhile since we’ve posted some of our old satire articles from 2003-2009. So we’re going to start posting them more often, maybe a couple times a week. To start things off, in the wake of the religious fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, here’s one from our Religious BS file dated June 2, 2003.

Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary

Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.

“I was taking a dump,” said Torres. “And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I’m like ‘Look in the bowl’ and she said ‘I don’t want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!’ and I’m like ‘No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary’ and she squints down into the bowl and says ‘Dios Mio! It’s a miracle!'”

Many people are now making pilgrimages to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.

“I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector’s shit,” said Maria Torres. “It’s like she is saying to us, ‘Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.’ We are truly blessed!”

Hector’s brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. “The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can’t sleep at night. We can’t take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging.”

Hector’s other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and daughter, said, “I’m tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don’t get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my… quiet time.” He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, “I may go to Hell, but if Hector don’t flush that thing soon, I’m going to flush it myself!”

We Are Charlie

What a way to start out the new year. The recent shootings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris has struck a raw nerve with us here at the Bucket. We’re all atheists here. We tend to agree with Bill Maher’s statement on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that ‘“there are no great religions, they’re all stupid and dangerous,” Some people just do not seem to possess a sense of humor, especially religious fundamentalists. And isn’t it funny that religious fundamentalists seem to be…drum roll please…extreme conservatives. Go figure.  One of the most important lessons in life we have learned is the ability to laugh at one’s self. Obviously, religious fundamentalists in all major organized religions seemed to have missed that lesson. Once again, fundamentalists in Islam have gotten upset over cartoons. CARTOONS!!!! We’d just like to say to all fundamentalists in every major religion on this planet… LIGHTEN UP!!!! LEARN HOW TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!!! GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!

Ahhh! We’re just messing with you. We can’t tell you ‘holy guys’ what to do. Go ahead and keep killing all the people who don’t believe what you believe. That’s worked so well for the past couple thousand years. There’s nothing like the status quo.

Jewish, Islamic, and Christian fundamentalists seem to get all pissy when someone points out the outdated silliness of their doctrines.
Fundamentalists from the major religions on Planet Earth agree on one thing: their senses of humor suck.

Imperial President? We think NOT!

We mentioned a few posts back that the Republicans have been whining that President Obama is acting like he’s a king or an imperial dictator. As usual, the GOP’s bluster is at odds with the facts. President Obama has had the lowest number of executive orders to date of any two term president in the last one hundred years. Here’s a handy dandy chart detailing the numbers and showing that Obama definitely is NOT an imperial president. He needs 97 just to catch ol’ Dubya and he needs 187 to catch St. Ronald Reagan, the patron saint of conservative Republicans everywhere. So the next time you hear a Republican whining about Obama being a king, just waive these numbers in their smug, little faces.

President Obama has had the lowest number of executive orders to date of any two term president in the last one hundred years.
'Imperial President' Barack Obama needs just 97 more executive orders to catch the 'bestest president ever' George W. Bush.

 

Cheney’s No Brainer

Just in time for the holidays…Torture!  Yes nothing exemplifies holiday spirit like torture(you have to admit, forced family fun is a kind of torture.) The Senate Intelligence Committee(what an oxymoron!) recently released a 528 page summary(the original is 6000 pages) that explains in detail that the CIA used various forms on detainees from 2001 to 2006 and kept it hidden from government officials and the American people. Dick Cheney, who in 2006 called torture a no brainer,  has even been making the rounds again claiming he’d do it all over again. Yes, America has proudly placed itself in the pantheon of torturing nations like Russia, North Korea, Iran and Syria. What great company we’re keeping, eh? We dug up a photo-toon from our November 13, 2006 issue where America’s most notorious war criminal defended waterboarding to a pliant, sycophantic media. All we have to say about Mr. Cheney and his asinine commentary is  “WHAT A DICK!“

Dick Cheney says waterboarding is a 'no brainer'.
Vice President Dick Cheney recently commented that using waterboarding techniques on detainees is a 'no-brainer'.

 

A Fine Red Whine With Your Immigration Reform

President Obama sure got the crybaby Republicans in a hissy fit with his executive order on immigration reform before the Thanksgiving holidays. You’d think he declared himself King of the World, but that’s exactly how many Republicans saw his action. They’ve been crying like the little crybabies they are ever since. Of course, they’ve been doing that ever since Obama became President. It’s really quite baffling considering that all Presidents going back to Eisenhower, have issued executive orders on immigration. Yes, even St. Ronald Reagan gave an executive order on immigration. But today’s GOP members conveniently forget those facts. They’d rather build their case that Obama’s a tyrant and needs to be impeached, despite Obama having the fewest number of executive orders of any two term President in the last one hundred years. It’s funny how one minute, Republicans say that Obama’s a pussy and needs to take off his mommy pants when dealing with Syria, Iran or Russia and then the next minute he’s a blood thirsty monarch forcing his will on the American people or  just giving away the country to any foreign nation. Yes, the Republican Fear and Noise Machine, powered by Fox News, is working just fine; spreading fear and misinformation to all Americans…a fine, red whine just in time for the holidays!

GOP crybaby Senators and Congressman call Obama an Emperor and threaten impeachment because he's doing his job.while Republicans sit around and say no.
GOP congressman are crying and whining over President Obama’s recent executive order on immigration, which was necessary because Republican led House completely failed to their job and pass legislation on an immigration reform this year.

Treat ‘Em Like Polly

As usual, the Republican Fear and Noise Machine is in overdrive since Obama has boldly come out fighting after the election. Obama has pushed for keeping net neutrality, voting against the Keystone pipeline (it didn’t pass the Senate this past week), and the big news in the past week, an executive order for comprehensive immigration reform. The GOP is fit to be tied. Of course it doesn’t matter that a GOP investigative committee found no wrongdoing by the Obama administration in Benghazi. Speaker of the House, John Boehner (pronounced boner), had announced that they’ll pursue another investigation with a committee that he will select. How is a sane person to deal with these Republican shenanigans? We think the pet care world has an appropriate answer for dealing with the fearmongering, conservative Republican in your life. Just use the following tactic at Thanksgiving dinner if your Republican gets going on a rant.

If the fearmongering conservative Republican in your life keeps acting up, just throw a sheet over him, like you do Polly.
The pet care world provides an answer for dealing with the fearmongering, conservative Republican in your life.

 

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Hey, how ’bout those elections, huh? Kind of makes you want to move to Canada. Hell, this whole month has been nothing but a stunning display of…how shall we say…stupidity. Former healthcare guru, Jonathon Gruber is being lambasted for his comments on the ACA a.k.a. Obamacare in saying that it passed because of ‘the stupidity of the American voter’. Well, everybody’s mad at him for saying that but the election results back him up on this statement. Congress has an 11 percent approval rating and yet the electorate decided to put 96 percent of these clowns back in office. And only 36 percent of registered voters decided to cast their ballots, the lowest voter turnout since WWII. And furthermore, Democrats, instead of touting the success of Obamacare and the many things he’s accomplished in office, act like they don’t know him. Unfriggingbelievable stupidity all the way around!!! They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess Americans are both stupid and insane…what a winning combination! Of course, that does explain why we won’t do anything about gun violence, but we have a conniption fit when an illegal immigrant child toddles across our border.

Despite 11 percent approval ratings, 96 percent of Congress was retained.
2014 election highlights: A majority of the American electorate decided to let a minority of pinheads put 96 pecent of the dumbass corporate lackeys back in office so that they can keep on screwing America. YAY!!!

Glenn Beck’s No Brainer Diagnosis

We’re still processing the stupidity of last week’s election results, (more on that in future posts). So we’ll go with an easy one today. Apparently, America’s super über patriot, Glenn Beck, is battling some rare neurological disorder, but doctors haven’t been able to diagnose what’s wrong with him. This one writes itself folks.

 

A doctor finally diagnoses Glenn Beck as being bat shit insane.
A friendly doctor finally diagnoses what's wrong with America's super über Patriot, Glenn Beck.