Peace
Ben Carson: Truth Doctor
As predicted, the joke that is Con-a-thon 2016 is living up to expectations. The Donald no longer is the front runner and there is a new flavor of the month in the lead. That distinction now belongs to famed evangelical neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Unbelievably, this man has risen to the top of the GOP heap and in some polls(we suspect extremely errant polls) he’s even ahead of Hilary Clinton. Of course, all this despite Dr. Carson uttering the most non-sensical crap ever to spew forth from a presidential candidate’s mouth. But then you can never be too crazy with this year’s candidates in the Republican clown car. Seriously folks, the things that Carson has said are just mind-blowingly inane.
It appears that Dr. Carson is a pathological fabricator. He claims that he was excessively violent as an ‘impoverished’ child but no one who knew him back then can corroborate his story. He also falsely claimed to have applied for and been accepted to West Point. And this so called man of science doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks the Big Bang is a fairy tale.
In addition, it has recently been documented how that his house is basically a temple to himself. This follows along with the prosperity gospel being taught by many of today’s evangelical preachers, which is why the christian Tea Baggers are nuts for him…you know…because he believes in Jeebus. This despite his actions and viewpoints being mostly against anything Jesus ever said or did. But christians are authoritarians and when someone in authority, like Dr. Carson, says something, the good little sheep believe and obey. And of course, the authoritarian dictating his doctrines, like Dr. Carson, believes the truth is whatever he says it is.
Do Americans really want this chronic fibber as their leader? Well Dubya was president for eight years, so maybe they miss all the lies and deceptions. America is pretty dysfunctional in that respect. We’ve got another year to go in this travesty of democracy so we guess anything can happen. Maybe Jim Gilmore will come out of nowhere and be the next Republican flavor of the month.
A Little Too Retro
We’re still fed up with current affairs so here’s another golden oldie article for the weekend…
Nostalgia never goes out of style. People become middle aged and fondly remember their younger years when things weren’t so complex. People now are nostalgic about the 90s, if you can believe that; that golden era when Bill Clinton fooled around with anything in a skirt, the Macarena was actually a thing and watching Frasier on TV was still enjoyable. But sometimes people take going retro a little too far.
This article is from our August 15, 2004 issue.
Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro
Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the ’70s: the 1870s that is.
Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed mustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.
“What’s with that dude?” asked Candy Bergman. “He shows up to all our parties dressed like he’s Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like ‘Good evening, my lady!’ I don’t what he’s thinking but that gentleman crap doesn’t work with the women of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either ‘ho’ or bitch. That works for me anyway.”
Resident Mike Fernald said, “That guy’s got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it’s 110 degrees outside and he’s wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro’s cool if you’re, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man.”
Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. “That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody’s wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can’t dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you.” Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.
Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. “I must say that I’m truly vexed by their attitude. I’m only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan’t lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I’m late for my evening constitutional.”
Parental Delusions
We haven’t posted an old article lately so here goes…
Aren’t new parents annoying? Every parent thinks their baby’s the next Einstein, JFK or Lindsay Lohan. They brag about everything they do, even their doodies. Whenever we see new parents we run like hell. As if you couldn’t tell already, we’re strong advocates of birth control.
Here’s an article from our May 31, 2006 issue.
Local Couple Has Best Baby Ever
Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.
“There is no question about it,” said Austin smugly. “Our baby is superior in every way. He’s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he’s only six months old. He’s performing at a nine month old level. I’m telling you he’s a genius.”
Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. “Oh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He’ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be…dare I say…an American Idol.”
Austin’s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise’s baby or that ‘Brangelina’ baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.”
However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner’s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, “Oh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He’s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I’d say he’s going to do 5 to 10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He’s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there’s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That’s why I’m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she’s the best baby in the world.”
Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters’ claim. “There is no way Rhonda’s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I’m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we’ll all see who’s the most perfect baby in the whole world!”
Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, “Okay! You think your baby is better than mine, we’ll see about that. I’m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!”
When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.
Jeb’s Fatal Delusion
From all accounts, Jeb Bush’s ship appears to be sinking in the farce that is Con-a-thon 2016. Not only have his performances been lackluster in the ridiculous GOP debates, but he seems to be completely delusional about his brother, George W. Bush’s tenure as President. Lead GOP clown, Donald Trump actually did something the spineless Democrats never could do; call Dubya out for his failure at preventing 9/11. As one could predict, Jeb defended his brother like he’s done this whole election season, saying his brother’s response to 9/11 was ‘awe-inspiring’. Really???!!!! Yes, seeing Dubya sitting there reading ‘My Pet Goat’ to grade schoolers sure inspired us. And then that whole invading Iraq on faulty intelligence of WMDs that resulted in a quagmire with thousands of American deaths and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi deaths, not to mention the rise of Al-Qaeda and now the rise of ISIS to fill the power vacuum left by Saddam Hussein and costing the US over a trillion dollars. And how about how Dubya politicized 9/11 during the 2004 election, literally scaring the sheeple into voting for him. And don’t get us started about his economic policies that just about bankrupted America. WOW! That was awesome! We think that maybe Jeb should join Dubya painting people in the bathtub.
Salk, Hero; Shkreli, Zero
How about that Martin Shkreli, huh? What a piece of work he is. In case, you don’t know, Martin Shkreli is the wunderkind CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals who recently made every sane person’s list of most hated man in the world recently by raising the price of a life saving drug Daraprim from $13.50 to $750 per pill. Yes, you read that right… $750 per pill.
And now poor little rich man is mad at Bernie Sanders because Mr. Shkreli wanted to donate to Sanders campaign and Sanders wisely rejected the donation. According to Shkreli, he is so mad at Sanders that he could punch a wall. Ahhhhh! Poor wittle baby!!! Well, I think it’s safe to say that there are many Americans who would like to punch Mr. Shkreli’s greedy, smug little face into oblivion.
Shkreli could learn a lot about ethics from Dr. Jonas Salk. Salk discovered the vaccine for polio and instead of filing a patent, which could have made him a gazillionaire, famously said “There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?”. He had no desire to profit personally but instead wanted the vaccine distributed as widely as possible in order to cure as many people as possible of this dreaded disease. Of course, in this age of greed and profits at any and all costs, Dr. Salk’s actions are scoffed at by most modern day doctors and scientists, who seem to support the idea of putting profits before people. This way of thinking seems counter not only to the Hippocratic Oath (“I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.“) but also to basic christianity, which this nation supposedly has claimed itself to be.
Health care for humans and even our pets has become ridiculously expensive. What’s needed is regulation for the pharmaceutical and medical industry so prices remain affordable to every American, not just the rich. But people keep electing people to Congress who are against any kind of regulation (a.k.a Republicans). One thing is for certain; health care for profit is a bad idea and one that needs changing. Either that, or say hello to more assholes like Mr. Shkreli with their $750 pills.
Rewind: Bush’s Lap Dog
Let’s return to those thrilling days of yesteryear, right before the Iraq War…
Well, it turns out that examining Hillary Clinton’s emails is revealing a treasure trove of information. Thanks to a memo dated March 28, 2002, then Secretary of State Colin Powell assured Bush that former British Prime Minister and Bush lapdog, Tony ‘Poopsie’ Blair, would be on board for a war against Iraq. This is almost a year before the invasion and proves that Bush and Blair plotted behind closed doors to manipulate public opinion in America and Britain to push for that clusterf*ck known as the Iraq War. At that time though, Blair told his fellow Brits that they were seeking diplomatic solutions. Golly Gee, you mean Bush and Blair both lied! Imagine that! We encourage everyone to click on the link and read the article.
Of course, we always knew that Blair was just Bush’s lapdog. Here’s a photo-toon from our March 14, 2004 edition.
The Benghazi Witch Hunt
In the aftermath of the first Democratic debates, more Republican stupidity…
California GOP congressman Kevin McCarthy made headlines recently in a couple ways. First, he was next in line to replace John Boehner (pronounced bo-ner) as Speaker of the House. But upon seeing that he would somehow have to spend every waking moment trying to wrangle the Tea Party wingnuts, he decided to remove his name from consideration, thus throwing the House of Representatives into even more chaos.
The second way, which was the cause of the aforementioned event, was that McCarthy showed his incompetence by opening admitting that the Benghazi hearings were nothing more than a political witch hunt on Hillary Clinton at the expense of the taxpayers money. So, seeing that he pretty much blew the Republican’s cover, he bowed out.
A Benghazi whistleblower came forward last week pretty much saying the same thing as McCarthy, which brought forth the lead investigator of the Benghazi witch hunt, South Carolina GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy from his underground lair to denounce the whistleblower and McCarthy. Which in turn brought a surprise response from CNN denouncing Gowdy.
What this all means is what most sane Americans have suspected all along. The Benghazi investigation is nothing but a political character assassination campaign by the GOP against Hillary Clinton in order to prevent her from being elected President. Now the teabagger Republicans in the House are going to start another witch hunt at the taxpayers expense investigating Hillary’s private e-mail server she kept as Secretary of State. If they want true justice, then they should also investigate former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who also relied on personal e-mails. While they’re at it, investigate all those e-mails that got erased from Dubya’s White House account back in 2007. Oh that’s right! We keep forgetting. It’s okay when Republicans do it.
The Republicans’ Toxic Masculinity Problem
The Republicans’ stupid has been coming fast and furious lately…it’s been hard for us to keep up. But we’ve got to comment on Jeb Bush’s statements following the school shootings in Oregon last week. In an interview following the tragedy, ‘compassionate conservative’ Jeb stated that you know ‘Stuff happens’. Can’t you just feel the sympathy oozing from his pores? Just the latest in our corporate lackey politicians licking the gun barrels of the NRA, the weapons industry and the military industrial complex. Because you know you can’t possibly be a man unless you have a gun and of course, as in all things manly, you’ve got to have either a big gun or a lot of them.
There’s a new buzzword that’s been making the rounds lately called ‘toxic masculinity’ and this catch phrase fits today’s gun culture perfectly. Since December 2012, we’ve had 990 mass shootings. When you care more about a gun than living beings, that’s a sign of a sick society. Our spineless politicians should stand up to the gun lobbyists and say enough is enough. It’s incredible that Republicans are so myopic that they’re still focusing on the 4 lives lost at Benghazi and not the 1249 people lost to gun violence in the past three years. It’s time for Americans to vote these incompetents out of office. If our elected officials won’t take the necessary steps to make this country safer, then maybe it’s time for new elected officials.
Not So Golden Graham
We’ve commented before about the hypocrisy of right wing congressmen and senators, especially when it comes to federal aid for victims of natural disasters, so it should come as no surprise that South Carolina senator and GOP presidential hopeful, Lindsey Graham, has pleaded for federal aid for his home state after torrential rain and horrific flooding, despite voting against aid for residents of New Jersey after Hurricane Sandy in 2013. Graham’s response: “I’m all for helping the people in New Jersey. I don’t really remember me voting that way. Anyway, I don’t really recall that, but I’d be glad to look and tell you why I did vote no, if I did.” Typical compassionate conservative Republican: deny, deny deny. The beat goes on.
